Why Your Room is Messy: a Theory
Where The F Do You Put Your Not-Quite-Dirty Clothes? Man Repeller-01

It seems like simple math, doesn’t it? When you’re finished with a piece of clothing, you put it away and move on with your life. This way, your bedroom is always tidy. This way, clothes never pile up until they resemble a cotton monster more ominous than the sum of their parts. Bite-sized exertions of effort equal a lifetime of payoff, plus a superiority complex. Maybe you’ll even start drinking green juice.

I’m here to declare these unrealistic bedroom standards. It is my personal belief that the order of our rooms is not solely at the behest of our own self-discipline. Because such a way of thinking implicates the togetherness of our shit and ignores the true culprit: PURGATORY CLOTHES.

purgatory clothes
[pur-guh-tohr-ee klohz]

1. Garments that are not dirty enough to go in the hamper, but are not clean enough to go back in the closet or dresser.

2. Garments that you are open to wearing again should the need arise, but you also wouldn’t mind throwing in with your next load of laundry should that be happening soon.

Welcome to my room, feel free to step around a mountain of my purgatory clothes.

Purgatory clothing storage can take many forms, one of the most popular being The Chair. The Chair is a piece of furniture which you bought with the intention of perching upon it daintily, perhaps while lacing up your shoes in the morning. However, the last time you actually sat in The Chair you were young, naive and exhausted from move-in day. So lost is the true purpose of The Chair, you hardly even remember what it looks like.

Maybe one day you moved The Chair out of your bedroom, unfairly vilifying it as a mess enabler — when really the issue was the lack of modern solutions for purgatory clothes — and now, in its place, is The Top of Your Dresser, The Frame of Your Bed, The Floor or any number of surfaces in your bedroom that, frankly, you haven’t seen in years.

It’s time we brought this issue out of the dark and into the light. If you suffer from this plight, it’s not your fault. Unburden yourself in the comments about where your purgatory clothes colonize. And if you don’t, find it in your heart to outline, in great detail, who you are, your wicked ways and why you’ve been keeping this a secret for so long. These are desperate times. WE NEED YOUR HELP.

Photo by Print Collector via Getty Images; collage by Maria Jia Ling Pitt.

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