What’s the Secret to Sporting Bare Legs In Frigid Temperatures?

Of the many Great Fashion Mysteries that have been proposed time and time again, one of the most commonly asked is this: how do style monikers manage to wear seasonably inappropriate clothes each winter — bare legs amidst a snowstorm, sleeveless arms during an icy monsoon — and not turn blue from hypothermia or at the very least avoid looking like a small, shivering dog?

Let it be known that I can only tell you such information due to the government shutdown because no one is monitoring my computer. This shit is classified information, and it’s dangerous. We’re talking Breaking Bad/Glee cross pollination dangerous. (Kindly note that once Government & Co is back in action this Cogitation will destruct and whatever device you read this one will most likely explode.) Here we go:

The secret is lava.

As in — the floor is LAVA and you need to jump from couch to dinner table and if your toe touches ground it turns black and disintegrates. Or, you know, the liquid hot magma that explodes from volcanoes and is responsible for preserving an entire ancient city in one menopausal-rivaling hot flash.

About fifteen years ago, a very fashionable world traveler was helicoptering over the Bay of Naples when Mount Vesuvius erupted. And I don’t know if you’ve ever seen The Exorcist or a baby rejecting his lunch of split pea soup, but when Mount Vesuvius detonates that lava goes eight billion feet in the air faster than an ice pop at a playground. The helicopter above should have been destroyed but something on board saved them all:

A Dolce & Gabbana cape. Swear.

The incident was instantly concealed and contained to a section of government known as Sector 125 TYZVBG where they began immediate research on said Dolce cape. It turns out that something in the magnificently crafted fabric rendered the item of clothing impervious to lava. The cape — said to be large enough that it could cover an entire small family, cloaked all passengers within the aircraft and, in short, saved their lives.

Scientists worked for years unlocking the molecular compounds that allowed lava and Dolce to exist side by side, and while they are still unable to decipher exactly how it works, they were able to create a sort of balm out of the two elements that turned lava and couture into an invisible wax. A faint smell of barbecue is said to emanate but otherwise the substance is completely undetectable on the skin and what’s more: it creates a type of heat insulation that makes your body feel permanently at room temperature despite below-freezing conditions.

And that, my friends, is how we’re able to wear a shearling coat plus gladiator knee highs in the winter sans pants, tights or death.

K gotta go I’m afraid my computer’s about to implode!

(Don’t believe me? What’s your theory? Let it rip in the comments below because I know you’re scientistic too and WE HAVE TO KNOW.)

  • Well researched/credibly executed, Agent Diamond. Possible brand name for the stuff: Hot LaVanity. Think job change.

  • jenni_vee

    those little mini self-heating packs in their pockets/bras?

  • Laura G

    The trick is to go as long as possible without giving into the usual cold weather accoutrements. Instead of grabbing your pea coat the minute it hits 50 degrees, go without it. You’ll be ok. The longer you take to slip into heavy coats, sweaters, and tights, the more comfortable you will be wearing less in cold weather.

  • Amatoria Clothing

    You’re silly.
    I need me some lava. I think it’s 68 degrees in my office right now, and I am 10 minutes away from hypothermia. HELP!

    • Cass

      Mine too! I typing in a scarf and a beanie right now, as well a 2 layers of shirts and denim. 🙁

  • ahahah i love your theory! you’re the best! i’m coming from a small town under the Vesuvio you’ve talked about and i’m sending you a very big smiling kiss



  • This. This. this, all day and every day:


    • Linda Fessler

      Hahaha love it.

  • ladeedah

    You have to be Russian. Russians are cold inside so it’s not big deal.

  • deanna

    I’m pretty sure people are just freezing in the name of vanity, and/or that they only spend a moment or two outside. And/or that everyone secretly changes out of their mukluks just before they come around the corner where the photographers are. One of those three options for sure. Or all of them in combination.

  • Anna

    Love the second paragraph, Agent Diamond. I laughed out loud! Well done 🙂

  • Katya

    The subject of the photograph is russian, and russians are immune to feeling cold. Thus, the secret to sporting bare legs in frigid temperatures is to be russian.

  • Raquel

    If this is true, WTF, OMG, etc. and most importantly, where can i get it?

  • disqus_vYlAbm5QoU

    you have to be single (or married) and not have had any real sex for a while, at least month and a halve, like be so horny you don’t need tights.

  • Alfonso Veliz

    baby oil?

  • Rachel

    You’re retarded. Thanks for wasting my time.

    • Leandra Medine


  • Nica

    tiny (contradictio in terminis) thongs made out of thermal fabric ?

    Note to self ; find the nearest Damart shop.


  • Hanneke

    And I actually thought you had the answer haha, silly me.
    check my style on http://www.hannekeverstegen.com

    • marisa

      I was hoping for an answer too! Same with the article you had on wearing your coat on your shoulders without it falling off! Please provide real tips! 🙂

      • Amelia Diamond

        haha well i think the honest answer is A) serious dedication to your outfit despite weather conditions B) having a higher tolerance for the cold C) not having to walk very far — a lot of the time we’re jumping out of cars, running into a show, and then running back into a cab and D) i think someone mentioned it up above but you really can keep warmer than normal by sticking those little heat pads to yourself that people use when camping or skiing. They are little miracles sold at every drug store cash register come fall.

        • Magda McCann

          It also helps to keep your core warm-keep your heart and other vital organs comfy cozy and they will send warmer blood to all your exposed extremities. With that in mind: E) Wear lots of layers on top. F) Wear a nice pair of socks (like smart wool) that keep your feet warm/cool depending on your body’s need.
          It can also help to spend a year in Boston or some other frigidly cold winter place and then move south again. I did this and had no problem sans tights the Philadelphia winter after an New England winter.

      • Amelia Diamond

        as for aliens holding up jackets on shoulders that was completely serious.

  • Michaela

    Fantastic read, truly brightened my working day! What I want to know is are you Man Repeller’s or Myth Busters? Perhaps you can be both?!

  • Daria Sukovatitsyn

    You just fucking do it and always wear fur

  • natasha of melbourne

    The red and purple spots are not a good look
    Some ozzie chicks try the bare legs in winter
    For all their bravery the hypothermia colors don’t look nice