Well Blend Me Up and Sip Me Slowly! It’s Smoothie Time.

The only thing that gets me out of bed and hauls my ass to the gym most mornings is the promise of one very special blueberry protein buzz smoothie. Its hue is of the slightly muted indigo variety, made even more spectacular by its lack of food coloring and/or artificial flavoring. It tastes like sunshine and ice-cream, promises the dizzying effects of brain freeze, and strikes the perfect balance between tangy and sweet as facilitated by the combination of blueberries and almond milk. If you need further evidence of its super powers, the inclusion of the buzzword “protein” is something I think my primary care physician would feel good about.

Smoothies are magic mainly because they prove that if you blend together a few of this good earth’s heavenly ingredients, the results will be delicious. They are also a superfood-laden self-expression of individuality and preference, as broadcasted by many a “build your own” juice bar. If you can dream it, you can achieve it.

Are you feeling like a lean mean fighting machine? Toss some greens! Is your monthly houseguest fueling your need for chocolate? We hear cacao powder is best paired with banana. Do Mondays make you berry, berry sad? Blast yo ass with some strawberries and chia seeds. If Juice Press’s Cactus Cooler has taught us anything, it’s that you can throw pretty much anything in a blender. Yes, freaks, even humans!

The proliferation of the smoothie bar and the many #acaibowl concoctions that populate my Instagram feed has inspired me to create my own. I have yet to bring this recipe to fruition, but if I were to build the perfect man  smoothie than this is certainly what he it would consist of:

(Guys, feel free to provide proper measurements as my kitchen sensibilities seem to be stuck in the realm of 3rd grade algebra, or something.)

50% chocolate almond butter [for texture]

15% peanut butter caption crunch flavored cereal milk [for nostalgia]

10% vanilla whey protein powder [for Albert at Soho Strength Lab]

10% banana [for taste]

10% crushed Butterfinger [for YOLO’s sake]

2% cacao nibs [for cleaning out my pantry’s sake]

2% kale  [for my primary care physician]

1% LOVE [for my mother]

I’d drink this smoothie religiously. Heck, I’d even embark on a liquid diet if this promised to be my daily staple. But first, I need somebody to buy me a Vitamix. Those things run $$$teep. Bueller? And second, tell me: if you were your perfect smoothie, what would you be?

  • Tonia Rose

    Sounds delicious! I have yet to try a vegetable smoothies and normally stick to classic berry mixtures. Smoothies are definitely one of my favorite drinks- perfect for breakfast or as a healthy snack 🙂 <3


    • Esther Levy

      I throw in a shard of kale for good measure, but other than that I tend to stick to berries as well:)

    • Erika

      Spinach is pretty good as a starter. Between the blueberries, banana and almond milk, you can’t even taste it AND you’ve got a serving in!

  • Tonia Rose

    *vegetable smoothie

  • Amelia Diamond

    Peanut butter banana anything all day long

  • Smoothies are indeed magical. I think I might even be a little bit obsessed. Apple, strawberry, coconut, almond milk & a mint leaf is my favourite one at the moment.


  • Ana González

    You need lots of coconut in your smoothie.


  • Kale, vanilla almond milk, berries, bananas, chia seeds. It never fails me….always so yummy.

  • Charlotte Fassler

    Esther you made me addicted to that Juice gen smoothie….

    • Esther Levy

      seeing you sip it all day ‘errday makes me so happy but mostly jealous

  • probs this.

  • Mariah

    Basically my life. I can get free bananas in my college cafeteria and they are my base for all things smoothie. If you freeze the fruit, it makes the smoothie thick and cold. Perfect morning pick-me-up 🙂

    Theatricality by Mariah

  • rdizzle

    How about 99% chocolate milkshake and 1% kale, for your primary care physician?

    I would be ok with that.

    • Esther Levy

      you know WHAT’S UP

  • Alexandra Puffer

    Okay and now I need to go buy a magic bullet. LOVE SMOOTHIES.

    Warm regards,

  • lving a good smoothie



  • ee_by_cc

    When I was a member of Equinox down in Tribeca, their smoothie bar had this Green Tea matcha smoothie. So. Obsessed. It was refreshing and not overly sweet.


  • Ooh I always stick to banana, strawberries, and oj base. + Flaxseed for whatever healthy stuff it does…

  • I’ve never thought to try and trick myself out of bed and to the gym with a smoothie. This is genius.

  • Andres Poiche
  • Tunie

    I am a smoothie expert, living on the bounty of my vitamix every morning for the last 5 years. Over time I’ve grown to prefer simpler and simpler blends – I can really enjoy the flavors best that way. And it’s easier to digest.

    An easy green smoothie is pineapple kale. Half a head of kale (about 6 leaves) and half a pineapple. Put the pineapple cubes in first, whir briefly, then add roughly chopped kale and blend till creamy. VERY good.

    My current favorite is tropical bananas (called apple bananas) and good ole strawberry, with filtered water to blend. Or the same bananas and frozen black cherries. Always blend with pure, plain water. A Vitamix is the best money you will ever spend. Used ones from ebay or craigslist or new at Costco are much cheaper options. Enjoy!

    • Tunie

      Must be
      RIPE pineapple, fyi. Leave it on the counter until it grows sweet and fragrant. Try to buy one that already has some gold on it, otherwise it’ll be too acidic to have much flavor.

  • katrina

    I like smoothies.


  • liz.c

    my new obsession of lychee:
    lychee, rasberries, coconut, chia seeds, kale, coconut water (maybe some figs if you’re feeling fancy)

  • ToOldToSmoothie

    My perfect smoothie would be.
    50% Black Amex Card (for texture)
    25% cash money
    25% Diamond Jewlery
    mix it up and serve chilled

  • Lena Sgambati

    The perfect smoothie would be – A totally fat free, tiramisu flavoured smoothie ! To mix it you’d need just 100% delusion.