Have you ever heard of The Douche Bag Jar? I wish it was our idea but the New Girl season 3 premiere, which aired on Tuesday night, reminded us once and for all that even though we may be wizards when it comes to sounding like complete assholes, the ubiquitous jar that holsters our shame is far from our own brain child. Case in point:
It works like this: you say something douchey. (Example: “I have so many gift cards to use up.”) Your comment is judged. You are therefore obligated to place a dollar into a clear jar (sometimes, the monetary amount is increased depending on grade of pretentiousness; see: “I can’t do Saturday shows. I’m going horseback riding.”) until you just can’t take it. You will watch said dollars fly out of your pocket and into the jar until finally, broke and frustrated, you’ve completely rid the word “kale” from your lexicon.
In the wake of fashion month in particular, keeping a douche bag jar seems like a fool-proof way to track your verbal obscenities and what’s more, it’s universally appealing. After all, you don’t have to be a White Girl with Problems to be a douche bag. It is also a good time to keep tabs on the ridiculous things the people around you are saying. Please enjoy the following from the bank we’ve comprised of affected inflections.
One such arbiter of fashion on leaving class early to attend the Marc Jacobs show: “I argued this should be an excused absence. After all, I was an art major.”
Another on her Oscar de la Renta floral print winter coat, worn in 80 degree weather: “It’s too hot for this but I’m going to wear it anyway because it’s amazing and I committed to the outfit. Also I’m going to wear this again next season because that would be cool right? Because it’s last season?”
One more on committing to Spring trends: “If I don’t get a billion pairs of board shorts for Spring I’m going to off myself. Ok, at least two… I don’t want to be board shorts girl, but I’m so into them.”
And from me: “I’m not saying ‘having a moment’ anymore.”
Sorry for that sentence.
But the Douche Bag Jar lives on and well after the confines of Fashion Week and may sometimes involve Beyonce. Proof of concept? This summer-friendly inquiry: “Do you still want to go to the Beyonce concert? I need to know so that I know when to buy my ticket for Nantucket.”
Other times, it will be embroiled in gastronomic chatter, see: “I don’t like Chobani greek yogurt as much as I do Fage greek yogurt.”
Often, too, Douche Bag Jar fodder will unfold as the answer to a compliment:
“Thanks, they’re vintage.”
“Thanks, they’re Stella.”
“Thanks, they’re actually F21! Can you believe it?”
And, of course, on the topic of shopping, and especially in a fashion office, you may also hear: “I kind of want a hat but I don’t think I really need one.”
Which reminds me…what do you think of this topper by Maison Michel? Just kidding. I would like, rather kill myself than wear such a…basic black hat.
Okay then, Douche Bag Jar: $1., Leandra: In deficit.