If You Were a Cocktail, Which Would You Be?

When I think autumn, I see hills of multi-colored leaves I want to — but won’t — cannonball through. Winter in Manhattan brings to mind the image of cigarette butts in snow and snot dripping from my nose tendrils. Spring sallies in with a fresh breeze and the subsequent festival of sneeze.

But these approximations pale greatly in comparison to summer’s, where the palate is colored with soft pastels and ruined by stubborn sweat marks and the incessant ingestion of [insert buzz summer food here] infused tequila, most preferably served on a swanky rooftop in that Triangle Below Canal.

In honor of the fast approaching weekend (who are we kidding, it is HERE, baby!), here is a summer guide to drinking watermelon narcotics on a flimsy budget. And because Yeezy-forbid Watermelon be drank without mention of Beyoncé, here, too, is the ultimate summer guide to drinking watermelon narcotics on a flimsy budget while — and here’s the kick — channeling your favorite pop culture VIP (vociferously indignant platypus).

1. Sex with An Alligator: James Franco

Although James Franco would probably prefer to have sex with himself, I can picture him doing something as outlandish as taking a walk down Everglade lane for the sake of social commentary and a really reactive Instagram post. With ingredients like coconut rum, melon liquor and Jagermeister, the possibilities seem all (and I mean all) but endless.



2. Pink (high-wasted) Bikini: Taylor Swift 

Nothing says “I’m feeling 22” like a pink high-waist bikini and an aptly named cocktail. Absolutely nothing says I have zero tolerance for heartbreak like raspberry lemonade and amaretto liqueur.



3. Rum Punch: Alec Baldwin

It wouldn’t be a weekday without a Buzzfeed quiz e-mail chain, it wouldn’t be Page Six without an Alec Baldwin tirade and it wouldn’t be Rum without the punch. There’d probably be no punch if you stopped at just one rum.



4. Mint Julep Iced Tea: Matthew McConaughey

[To be read in the voice of Mr. McConaughey circa How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days or Wolf of Wall Street, you choose] Taaake a tumblrrr and pour some bourbon insiiide, thas’ it, just like that, yeaaaawh. A sprinkle uh’ sugar’ll do ya fine, add a few sprigs of that fresh mint right there and you got yourself one helluvah drank young lady. Alright alright alright….




5. Your Best Friend’s Frapp: Jennifer Lawrence 

Because iced coffee always tastes better with Baileys Irish Cream and because said best friend and Jennifer Lawrence have become one in the same.



6.  The Frozen White Chocolate: Suri Cruise

We’ve just been informed that Suri Cruise is below the legal drinking age. There she is, fleeing the scene of the would-be crime…



7. The Manhattan: Hugh Jackman 

The drink of choice for Frank Sinatra whose song of choice was New York, whose rendition we’d like to see performed by Hugh Jackman, who’s really one badass wolverine and tap dancer and what’s more Manhattan than that, really?



8. Painkiller No. 3: Kris Jenner

I say self-explanatory, what say you?



9. The Salty Bird: Benedict Cumberbatch 

Campari, rum, lime, simple syrup and pinch of salt comprise this little wizard, which I suspect just sneaks up on you in a totally un-creepy way, just like the devilish grin on that very handsome fella’s face, which simultaneously throws me back to my cabbage patch youth and makes me want to be a better woman.




10. Kapula Sunrise: Mindy Kaling 

Sparkling wine combined with every fruit juice under the summer sun makes for this fruity cocktail which may as well be a mocktail. It’s delicious and self depreciating in that way Mindy Kaling’s jokes always are so, in the wise words of Rihanna, pour it up pour it up.



11. Patron on Ice Chased by Watahmelon: Kanye West 

Because we get your minimalist style Kanye, even if Florence doesn’t.



12. Sangria Flora: Gwenyth Paltrow

Because nothing says conscious uncoupling like knocking back biodynamic wine and peach.



13. Watermelon Margarita: Beyoncé 

Because Margaritas will always be relevant and Beyoncé managed to turn even the succulent and recently seedless fruit into an assload of memes.



And now for the ultimate question: if you were a cocktail, which would you be?

— Esther Levy

Visit Esther’s blog, The Philosophy of Windex here and follow her ass on Instagram here.