Kill, Fuck, or Marry?

We don’t take the game of Kill, Fuck, Marry lightly. In fact, we don’t really consider it a game at all in our office so you can imagine how intense things have gotten in the past. (I, for one, am not exactly admitting to murder but I will say that Amelia Diamond may or may not be my real name.)

That said, let’s “play”: Who will it be? Hagrid, Squidward, or Patti Stanger?


Some things to note in case you’re having a tough time with this one (personally I have a major soft-spot for all three and as I can’t go to jail again I have to be really sure about my decision):

-Hagrid’s last name is actually Hagrid, his first is Rubeus. If you marry him and so-choose to accept his surname as yours, that’s awesome because now you’re Hagrid too!

-Meanwhile, Squidward’s last name is Tentacles. (We just report the facts, guys.) That is an arguably less desirable last name and an even worse hyphen. If you’re inclined to keep your own and you like the clarinet, this may be your match.

-Patti is an alpha-female so if you are too, a lifelong marriage may be like two bulls in a tango factory. But man oh man does she have some shiny hair. Think of the gene pool, and your hypothetical spawn with those lustrous locks.

We’ll let you come to your own conclusions regarding sex life and whatnot.

You know where the comment section is—let the games begin.

  • Molly

    K – Squidward
    F – Patti
    M – Hagrid

  • Leandra Medine

    I’d marry Squidward (he seems like he’d make a terrific father), blow Patti’s brains out (hey, you asked) and fuck Hagrid silly! WHAT A HUNK!

    • zoe_whip

      I agree — Kill Patti (no brainer there). Marry Squidward (phew – then you wouldn’t have to fuck him). Fuck Hagrid — what a ride that’d be!

    • I’d kill Patti, too. She’s helping NO ONE.

  • Cory Andrews

    Kill Patti, because of course. Fuck Hagrid because he’d probably make some pretty funny noises. And marry Squidward because we’re both pessimists with big noses.

  • Amber Kaz


  • Ashley H.

    Marry – Hagrid, I mean…come on…the location of his hut!
    Kill – Patti? She looks annoying as fuck.
    Fuck – Squidward. He seems too busy hating the world to do anything else, so it’s an easy out.

  • Vanessa Mambu

    M: Hagrid
    F: Squidward
    and only as I have no idea who the hell she is (is it an American thing? please correct me if wrong but we don’t have her in the UK)
    K: Patti Stanger

  • Gracie

    K : Patti
    F: Squidward
    M: Hagrid ..:)

  • Damn it, now I’m pondering how freaky Squidward would be in bed, and whether or not Hagrid is the ultimate bear.

    • Hudson Berry

      Oh god, Hagrid is the ultimate bear.

  • Hudson Berry

    Marry Hagrid because he’s sweet and has friends like Hermione. F*ck Patty because she’s the only logically f*ckable creature here. Kill Squiddy because squids are faster than a greased squirrel and dangerous as the devil (thanks Nat Geo).

  • Chloe

    KFM is one of my all time favorite games. I secretly love Hagrid a lot so I’d probs marry him, kill Squidward, and f Patti. Don’t judge!

  • EmotionalMenace

    Marry Hagrid, duh. And though I’d rather fuck Patti than Squidward, I’d also MUCH rather kill her than Squidward. So I’d fuck Squidward– it’s only once, and hey, those tentacles probably have some decent uses…

  • mariah serrano

    so easy, marry hagrid, live on hogwarts grounds, bone squidward, andddddd kill the matchmaker, guess there will be a lot of lonely rich dudes in the future, sorry!

  • sex with squidward would likely be flat, definitely marry him!

  • Susana

    Marry Hagrid, because he’s the nicest person(?) ever, and I guess I’d endure fucking Squidward for the simple pleasure of killing the shit out of Patty Stranger afterwards.

  • mary

    Yes, I’d be fucking sqidward, killing patti whoever she is, and marrying that big sweet hagrid who’d take care of me for the rest of his life. In that order too. Though fucking mr. testacles sounds challenging.

  • Bob

    You had me at Squidward Tenticles.