Kill, Fuck, Marry: Fashion Edition

Over the course of our lives we will make decisions that — whether we know it in the moment or not — will affect our futures. Sometimes our choices will be made in a fleeting instant: a thoughtless “no,” a careless “sure,” while others will be decided after a period of mulling, agonizing and consulting.

This is one of those moments. You can take your time or answer with snap judgement, but whatever you answer will affect your future.

Let’s stretch first to loosen you up. Sit up straight and roll your shoulders back. Drop your head left, now bring it up and drop right. Did your neck crack? Good. Now press your arms forward, squish your knuckles until each one makes a popping sound, roll your sleeves up and let’s dig in:

Given the choice among the above handbag by The Row, a pair of high waisted denim Acne jeans, and a pair black Alaïa booties, which would you kill, fuck, and marry?

Some of you already know your answers. But for those of you who like to weigh the pros and cons of your potentially definitely life-altering decisions, I’ve made some notes.

The Row Handbag

It’s chic as shit. Marrying said purse would mean feeling like a lady 24/7. Killing it would mean living with the fact that you murdered an innocent. Having sex with it would mean you may need a therapist. I once saw a TLC show about a guy who had sex with cars, so.

Acne Jeans

Here’s the thing about these jeans — they aren’t just a pair of denim pants, they’re essentially the perfect pair of denim pants, and like it or not you’re always going to need pants so I’d suggest not killing them for this reason alone. If you do choose to fornicate, then should you also happen to procreate, at least you know your children will have good jeans.

Alaïa Booties

When the third grade bully taunted you with, “If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?,” if he had been talking about Alaïa instead of a doll you’d probably be like, “Fine, I will.” Consider, then, that killing the shoes would be a crime against fashion if not all of humanity. The whole sex thing is still weird (see: TLC special) but I guess that’s our fault for asking you to decide.

Deep breath. You can do this. Now go leave your fate in the comment section.

-Amelia Diamond

  • Kill the jeans because there’s no way I could pull them off, Fuck the shoes because me being able to walk in them is pretty much NOT gonna happen but fun to try on walk a few feet and sit down. Marry the bag, well because I can wear that with anything, and my size isn’t an issue with handbags.

  • The only way I could kill any of these things would be to go at the jeans with some scissors… simply to turn them into cut-offs. The shoes are definitely asking for fornication, ergo I would be taking the bag home to meet the parents.

  • Lola

    Marry the bag. Where do I find it, btw?

  • grammarpolice

    affect* our future!

  • ashleymaciejewski

    Marry “The Row.” As in the whole thing. Always and forever.

  • Tamara

    Kill the jeans (not a fan of the urkel look). F* the shoes. All. Night. Long. Marry the bag. It’s a keeper.

  • Alyssa

    I was going through fashion blogs to get some ideas as I am hoping to open an online boutique. Love your blog!
    Check out my tiny spot I have open now:)

  • Brie

    kill: the jeans. fuck: the handbag. marry: the shoes.

  • Rebeka Osborne

    Murder the jeans (TMR has shown us we don’t need pants!), fuck the shoes because they’re sexual like that, and marry the pretty bag that probably goes with everything!

  • Madiha Zahra

    Kill the shoes because they will go out of style, fuck the jeans because they are beautiful and worth every glorifying second, and marry the bag because it’s timeless.

  • withluckblog

    marry the jeans because that’s just my thing. Kill the shoes because they’d probably hurt my feet anyway. Have my way with that bag, because… well, who wouldn’t?

  • edaniels

    marry those jeans for life and keep them locked to my body.
    fuck those sexy shoes
    kill the bag, there are better ones around. no one will miss it

  • Clarisa

    I cracked up with the “at least you know your children will have good jeans” part.

  • Megan Lane

    Fuck dem sexy shoes. Marry the dependable jeans (I’m sure a therapist would have fun with that statement). Kill the bag cause…what about I stage the death but continue to hang out with it under the radar?

  • @IAmCharlieCass

    Kill the jeans bc they’re boring and I’d need to pair them with something awesome just to make them great but they’re not great on their own so kill that badboy. Fuck the super sexy shoes! And marry the bag bc it’s not just sexy, it’s also sophisticated and has that special something!

  • Jas

    well CLEARLY boots-F, jeans-K, bag-M

  • Marry those jeans!

  • Aundee

    Since I can only afford one fabulous item at a time I would marry all three that way they can shine bright one at a time until there able to live beautifully together in my wardrobe.

  • mcsherwood

    Fuck and then marry the shoes. They are perfect, no need for the other two at all.

  • Moira

    Kill the jeans, we all have ones we love now, right? Fuck those shoes because they are SO sexy, and marry that bag. It will never go out of style.

  • Gintė

    fuck the shoes, kill the handbag and marry the jeans! woop woop