The Stalk Market is About to Plummet

Today, Instagram announced that even though it has been deactivating “fake and spammy accounts” for several months, it plans to definitively delete these Insta-bots in the upcoming days. As such, users are being warned of potential plummets in their following counts. Seeing as the currency of our generation has indubitably become the follower, we can already envisage the mayhem in response to the crash:

One young woman, on a corner of the earth not far from Los Angeles, with a hat perched carefully atop only the left side of her head, who is prone to capturing bounties of beautifully arranged jacarandas and full cups of coffee filtered in Brannan, will watch as her photo of a croissant elegantly positioned above a group of white coffee table books revealing titles in black block letters such as “The Life of Dior” and “Chanel: A Love Story” inexplicably induces a massive decrease in her following count. She will have missed the notification. Panic will set in. Her public worth is being questioned. Her personal stalk is down 15%. She might even actually drink the glass of white wine, reflecting a garden full of greenery, that she shot hours earlier.

Neighboring photo filterers will catch wind of her loss and begin pulling their followers from the app to place under their mattresses. “Better safe where I can see them,” one cat owner might suggest.

Vine video stars who have risen to fame by way of Instagram may attempt to employ technology that will transfer their followings from the Stalk Market to rest in more secure funds within elsewhere apps.

Of course, though, no one will be as affected by the decline as the original gangster Ponzi schemers: those who endeavored to cheat the system by purchasing followers — instead of allowing them to grow organically — out of their cousins’ basement garages in Pelham Bay Park. When their at-once impressive 50ks depreciate to astonishing single digit numbers, we will know that even within the realm of exuberant possibility, there are no short cuts. That’s just life.

Now, we’re not pointing fingers in the direction of judgement or blame, but if you happen to have an Instagram account that you set up in, say, Switzerland (for the sake of posting travel photos and selfies deemed otherwise too self-important for your regular account, of course!), we suggest you ensure that the Insta-alias cannot be traced back to you.

Though if it could, it’s worth asking: would you be concerned about your following? Or are you a pious soul who is glad that finally, the truth about your friend’s suspicious followers-to-likes ratios make sense?

In plain English: you freaking out, Wolf of Instagram, or you good?

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  • Casey Mclerran

    A nicely written piece about current internet events. Witty and fun.

  • I saw this today. I’m good. Never bought any followers. So, do yo thang Instagram. Ha !

  • Melissa Araujo

    Great topic, I am good, I have a small following on insta and like it to grow organically based on what I put out not by buying a fake celebrity status. No point you just lying to yourself.


    • Nat Preston

      Yeah, I don’t get why you would do that. Everytime I get a spam follower I block them instantly anyway. I want followers with the same interests that I can follow back and enjoy.

  • Can’t wait to see the drops in some people’s numbers! This should be interesting.

  • Merillionaire

    Stalk market…too good. Bravo.

  • Greer

    I think it’s a great idea

  • I feel like this could have been an amazing storyline for the canceled tv show “Selfie”

  • I also read that they’re stamping popular ‘grammers as “verified” too, like Twitter. Yay. Another way to make me feel inadequate in the world of social media!

    I kid. Honestly, I’ve learned that I’ll just post whatever the hell I want regardless of how many people follow me. The numbers will go down, but at least now my original followers bought some stock early and still receive quality 😉

  • Tornn

    Love this and your humorous way of putting it, so true. So glad it is happening and it can be quite obvious when someone has brought followers as their engagement is low. I think it is better to have less followers but genuine ones who engage with your posts. Especially when the brought a ton of followers. Will be interesting to watch.

  • Thanks heaven I saw this post or I would have freaked out! Is not that I care about having ghosts accounts following/unfollowing/following me again so I notice them and maybe perhaps I follow them back? I actually dislike that sort of behavior so I also have to thank Instagram’s bosses for taking this measure. Thanks for the heads up MR!!

  • Fun fact, yesterday when I received the notification from Instagram I immediately thought about MR (stalker?) and came to the conclusion that you’re gonna be just fine. Its those croissant buying (but not eating) Peony-picture taking bloggers who I suspect will notice a plummet in their followers. And I’m cool with that 🙂

  • I’m happy to say that I only lost two followers, and now I’m at 1020. I’d like to think that I produce pretty good content in my spare time, so I’m proud of that number. I always blocked the spam accounts when they followed me for this exact reason – I wanted a real figure to represent my followers

  • this is excellent hahaha!

  • Henry Duane Gaskins

    I was just thinking… well… #guitar4putin

  • fashionenvious

    ahahahah I laughed so hard, you guys are amazing

  • Grace

    Please tell me that by “a corner of the earth not far from Los Angeles” you mean Utah bloggers…

  • I feel like buying followers is like cheating!!


  • What I found with my numbers is: a few days before the cleanse, my follower number had increased but no one new had followed me (I had been keeping an eye on the number to reach a goal, I don’t usually notice it a great deal otherwise). Once the ‘cleanse’ happened, my numbers just went back to the number of people actually following me, as it was before. There were no actual physical accounts, at least in my case. Something weird had just happened to Insta’s follower counts and I assume they decided to clean out the system of both physical spam accounts and whatever strange thing happened and caused the numbers to rise for no reason.

  • I have a tiny fashion instagram (320 followers) and I lost 10. I’m confused as to how this happens as I never do “follow for follow” or that kind of stuff (and I didn’t buy those 10 followers haha). All in all I will be happy to see less spam and fake accounts on instagram! Nobody likes a fake follower and all that follow/unfollow/follow/unfollow/follow type behavior makes my brain itch.

  • pamb

    My fave part? Where the blogger contemplates eating/drinking what she has photographed! I’m sure it’s more true than we know… but not at MR, of course!

  • Wolf of Instagram!! Love this piece!