Today, Instagram announced that even though it has been deactivating “fake and spammy accounts” for several months, it plans to definitively delete these Insta-bots in the upcoming days. As such, users are being warned of potential plummets in their following counts. Seeing as the currency of our generation has indubitably become the follower, we can already envisage the mayhem in response to the crash:
One young woman, on a corner of the earth not far from Los Angeles, with a hat perched carefully atop only the left side of her head, who is prone to capturing bounties of beautifully arranged jacarandas and full cups of coffee filtered in Brannan, will watch as her photo of a croissant elegantly positioned above a group of white coffee table books revealing titles in black block letters such as “The Life of Dior” and “Chanel: A Love Story” inexplicably induces a massive decrease in her following count. She will have missed the notification. Panic will set in. Her public worth is being questioned. Her personal stalk is down 15%. She might even actually drink the glass of white wine, reflecting a garden full of greenery, that she shot hours earlier.
Neighboring photo filterers will catch wind of her loss and begin pulling their followers from the app to place under their mattresses. “Better safe where I can see them,” one cat owner might suggest.
Vine video stars who have risen to fame by way of Instagram may attempt to employ technology that will transfer their followings from the Stalk Market to rest in more secure funds within elsewhere apps.
Of course, though, no one will be as affected by the decline as the original gangster Ponzi schemers: those who endeavored to cheat the system by purchasing followers — instead of allowing them to grow organically — out of their cousins’ basement garages in Pelham Bay Park. When their at-once impressive 50ks depreciate to astonishing single digit numbers, we will know that even within the realm of exuberant possibility, there are no short cuts. That’s just life.
Now, we’re not pointing fingers in the direction of judgement or blame, but if you happen to have an Instagram account that you set up in, say, Switzerland (for the sake of posting travel photos and selfies deemed otherwise too self-important for your regular account, of course!), we suggest you ensure that the Insta-alias cannot be traced back to you.
Though if it could, it’s worth asking: would you be concerned about your following? Or are you a pious soul who is glad that finally, the truth about your friend’s suspicious followers-to-likes ratios make sense?
In plain English: you freaking out, Wolf of Instagram, or you good?