If You Had a Band, What Would It Be Called?

I used to date someone who kept a running list of potential band names. I’d get random, cryptic texts that would say things like, “Larry David & Goliath,” or “Hipster Beerd.”

Me: What?

Him: Hipster Beerd. Like hipster beer / hipster beard. For a band name.

Me: …

But sometimes his names were really on point. I had to make the above ones up to avoid any lawsuits because I’m telling you, if you heard some of his ideas you’d be super mad you didn’t have a band and think of these names first.

I tried to come up with them too. I never told him I did this because I felt like it was his thing, but I always thought that it might be fun to one day have a screamo band and if it ever came to fruition I’d need a name.

Some of my favorites were:

The Golden Girls

The Mighty Ducks

The Wonder Years

The Zach Morris Five

So you can see that my creativity extended no further than a few very dated pop culture references…or that I basically was just going to straight up steal the names of TV and movie titles, but luckily for me and my lawyer, my screamo band never formed.

This may be due in part to the fact that — as (good) Charlotte (haha) pointed out — if a band’s name sucks, the band is doomed. Leandra, for example, has a one-man-band named Elbow’s Misery (…) where she “sings” about the noble quest for proper grammar. BuzzFeed once compiled a listicle of awful almost-names which you can read here but not until we’re done! Stay focused! Because the next thing I’m about to say is…

If you had a band, what would it be called? Pigeon’s Hole? Black Cattath? One Flew Over the ChooChoo’s Breast? Pretend the comments section is a backpack and you are equipped with a whiteout pen: go crazy and write all over it!

Image of the Rolling Stones shot by Michael Cooper

  • Josh


  • E

    Alien Kids. I spoke to a girl before MGMT concert and she said her favorite song was “Alien Kids” . She mixed up the name of their biggest hit “Kids” with a new song of theirs called “Alien Days” . She was pretty drunk

    • Charlotte Fassler

      I used to have a band called the Aliens. We were big.

  • Mush

    The Mush Maker… I know.

  • Danielle Jana

    Space Kitty, Electric Boots, The Neutrons, Dinobass, Daze of our Lives,

  • Danielle Jana

    Lumpy Space Princess

    • Cole Ruth

      Funny how you can put the word “space” with a ton of words and it makes them all sound like band names, sneakers, warriors, doughnuts, donkeys, you name it. Actually, electric kinda does the same thing.

  • Jackie @ Kleiden drew

    Off the top of me head: Scented Pantiliners, Lady in Phone Booth, Mojo Potatoes.


  • Trina Edwards

    Thrift Store Unicorn, Primeval Soup, Make Toys Mobile…I’ve got a million of ’em.

  • Ana

    Gin & the Tonics

  • stephanie

    spicy seeds

  • Charlotte Fassler

    If you can’t think of a band name check out what wifi networks are in your vicinity. Currently I am near Hasidic Party, Jake the Dog, Yellow Maple (is this a play on Blue Ivy???), and Frank 151 which in my humble opinion would all be GREAT bands.

    • Anya

      haha so true, right now I am near Little Deer, The Boys, Big Demon & Tootboot…..all viable options.

  • Julie A. Sergel

    GoldieLocks. The Smartie Pants. Canterkerous Two. Feline Divine.

  • Caroline D. Gomez Lassalle

    1. Cherry Poppers- for a punk girl band
    2. Marilyn’s White Dress
    3. Wintours Bob
    4. Judith and the Butlers (admittedly this was a name by a guy I dated).

  • Filipa

    On The Rocks, No Ice

  • Brie

    I had a band in junior high call Pink Mustard. None of us played instruments. We just sat around and talked about what our stage outfits would look like. And I have always thought the Hep Burns would be cute for a girl band. Ode to Kate and Audrey.

    • Nicola

      There was an English band around for a few months in the late 90’s called Hepburn for the same reason.

  • Charlotte Fassler

    The Mary Kate & Ashleys

    • Elliot


  • Brie

    if i had a metal band it would be called We Rape yo Babies. that’s terrible but it sounds so metal when you metal-yell it and head bang. also, Period Punch.

    • Kate Barnett

      i read this as “we wrap your babies” and then screamed it in my head and was like ‘wow, she’s totally right.’

  • Tobi


    (those are also 2 wifi names I found following Charlotte’s tip 🙂

  • Sanni

    This is not a band but my boyfriends friends ice hockey team is The Mighty Dicks 😀 haheha

  • gillian

    vaseline lips

  • Mara Zampariolo

    Almost Buddhist. Or Scarcofagus.

  • Leandra Medine


  • Leandra Medine

    Oooooh! Or: Chapped Knees

    • Amatoria Clothing

      The Chunky Monkeys

  • kate

    Sick, in bed

  • Michelle Bottomley

    Female Trouble

  • Leandra and the Repellers

  • Barbara Wright

    Mangy Dogma

  • Sarah

    Sputnik and the Orbiters

  • Sarah

    Sputnik and the Orbiters, Oi 55, Glorious Aporia

  • Amelia Diamond

    you win the band name game!

  • Rosie

    Hmmm, I do think if I had a band it would be “Eye of the Porpoise” or maybe “Salt and Peppa” Oooh or, “Peppermint Toes”

  • Rosie

    Peppermint toast, Cats of Plaid, Zebra itch (I know, I know)

  • The wifi network in my vicinity right now is under the name of “pink fluffy unicorns”
    But if I had a band name, it would be The Write Sisters (play on Wright Brothers) and we’d be an all-girl band with bomb ass lyrics, hence the “write” part.

  • reluctant plumber


  • Steven Spangler

    Spent the Rent (actual local band in Boston back in early 80’s…fun bar drinking band.

  • Steven Spangler

    Also like Spit the Bit…Cerulean Blue…Here’s the Beef…