How to Turn Your Faux-Art Basel into Faux-Coachella

A few months ago we came up with a plan regarding the various ways one could pretend they were at Art Basel. The time has come to play a similar game of fake-it-until-you-take-a-nap, only this installment involves none other than Coachella.

Or Faux-chella, if you’re into dad-jokes.

1) The good news is, the two are actually quite similar, which means less work on your end because you’ve done this before. For example, you’ve hopefully kept the previously-suggested kiddie pool and accompanying sand made of kitty litter. The only difference between Miami and Indio, however, is that one is surrounded by water and the other is a desert, so you may want to supply a tumbleweed just in case.

2) At Pretend Art Basel (henceforth known as PAB) I suggested you always have a drink in hand. Same at Faux-chelz. It does not have to be alcoholic, but since we’re trying to create a festival environment, you’ll want to invest in a canteen or a Nalgene: anything, really, that you can drink out of during those awkward moments when you don’t know the words to the song that everyone else is singing along to.

3) Dress the same as you would at PAB. It’s probably also a good idea to declare how glad you are that you packed a light sweater for cool nights. The only additions are floral head thingz and prints that the e-retailers are now referring to as “global.”

4) “Take any and every opportunity to stop at various walls or structures or ferns,” I wrote of PAB, “and loudly note the juxtaposition of light versus dark, or how it’s clearly a social commentary on our sexual nature as human beings.” You’ll want to do this at Faux-chella as well, because many of the concert goers are on mind-altering substances and actually say shit like this.

5) Where the real difference between Basel and Coachella comes into play (other than the fact that one may or may not sound like a pizza topping pronounced with a Downton Abby accent) is the LINEUP, which is all anyone has been talking about since the LINEUP has been announced.

Feel free to announce your own lineup. I’m personally really excited to see the 1 Train, the Subway Drummer Guy, the Subway Mariachi Band, the Subway Crooners, anything in the subway really. I’m also looking forward to Creepy Avenue-B Flasher and The Lonely Office.

However. We’re a band of band-lovers, you and I. So if you want to make an actual playlist of actual Coachella artists that you can actually hear without sitting on the shoulders of a sweaty man (though you can do that too! why not!) may I suggest…

…And now most importantly, you tell me what I should be listening to.

(Do not say Outkast.)

— Amelia Diamond

  • Lidia

    As a new New Yorker hailing from Los Angeles, I have never been to Coachella. Not that I didn’t want to, the opportunity just never presented itself. I will go to Governors Ball. Would you say same rules apply?

    • Amelia Diamond

      Basically, but when faking Gov Ball you should be sure to add a lot more mud.

  • “easy yoke” by favela

    and anything drake OVO XO

  • Sarah

    This is so great. I’m doing a little faux-chella this weekend.

  • Basically if you’re not listening to BANKS you’re doing it all wrong/haven’t lived. She’s the bomb.