How Do You Take Your Makeup Off?
03.31.15
pier-angeli-by-james-dean-636x424

If aliens came down to earth (it would probably have to stop snowing first) I’m sure they’d have a variety of questions about humans that ranged from the existential to the scientific to that which we ask ourselves every day:

What is the point of human existence?

What is the point of pants?

How can humans be so genetically similar, yet fundamentally so different?

What’s the obsession with fantasy sports brackets?

But without a doubt, there is one specific question that would boggle the aliens’ exposed brains so greatly it would cause them to give up and go home. No intelligence exists in this entire solar system that can answer life’s greatest paradox:

Why is it impossible for makeup to stay put on human faces prior to dates, interviews, pictures or any other situation where a little cat eye/bronzer/red lip would be nice, while being equally-if-not-more impossible to REMOVE once the time comes to take it off?

I have tried wipes. It takes 3 to get a truly clean slate, which includes eye stuff.

I have tried baby oil. It will take your mascara off but also blind you momentarily (though not painfully) if you wear contacts.

I’ve tried stuff that blinds you momentarily and painfully too, but it doesn’t work on lipstick.

I’ve tried coconut oil, cold cream, regular face wash and generic makeup remover — but none have felt definite. None have felt like the answer.

Which is where you come in: how do you guys take off your makeup? What do you use, what’s the procedure, and do you believe the grandmas who’ve cautioned against scrubbing around your eyes because that’s how wrinkles begin?

Asking for a friend, and one spaceship full of aliens.

Pier Angeli shot by James Dean

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