How Many Ways Can You Articulate the Act of Sex without Mentioning Sex?

You know the drill, right? In order to talk coition without actually talking coition, we typically must first achieve the perfect pitch. So, for the sake of getting into character — and for that sake only — figure you’re a 40-year-old dad for a moment (important technical note: this scenario is divorced from the sex game).

You’ve just retired because in your early thirties, you sold the slightly sour, wholly awesome red tomato recipe to a little company called Heinz which is why now you spend a lot of your day wearing mandals and slacks. When your daughter gets home from school with her friends, you are typically on the front lawn gardening because, you never know, maybe there might be an untapped tomato waiting for growth.

“Hey girls, how you doin’?,” you might ask them as they walk by. Your daughter’s friends giggle and she rolls her eyes. The song-in-voice of your pitch is similar to the way Joey Tribbiani used to wonder about the state of various females’ being during the course of the sitcom hit, Friends. But that’s where this imagining ends. All we take with us is the song-in-voice which, I’m not sure why, maintains the spectacular ability to make everything sound dirty.

“I’d like to butter your bagel,” for example, seems like a very different experience when said a la retired dad/Mr. Tribbiani versus when said as, you know, a bagel man. So here’s where we start playing the game. I’ll go first. Utilizing your pitch, imagine the most mundane or stereotypical activities.

Something like…

Hey baby, I’m gonna —

Pin the tail on your donkey

Shape up your amoeba

Order your coffee — hot and with a little bit of milk

Or conversely, when asking your friend if she’s recently participated in sexual activity you might want to try the following:

So, did you hit the sack, boots on?

Cork that wine?

Ride his pony?

Knit that sweater?

Let him open that umbrella?

Put his shrimp on YOUR bar-be?

And so forth, and so forth.

Now, in the interest of free indirect discourse, I don’t want to, for lack of a more apropos phrase, blow your load, so please, expound with me on the manifold ways to articulate the act of fornication (or post-marital intercourse, whatever, though I do believe there are more crickets and cobwebs involved in the latter iteration — not speaking from experience or anything) without actually calling it SEX.

Fine: I’ll share one more.

Hey baby, can I, uh, try on your sunglasses?

Image via Tatler

  • Amelia Diamond

    Toot my horn

  • Amelia Diamond

    Pick that nose girl

  • Charlotte Fassler

    Do the hokey pokey

  • Hayley Bloomingdale

    All you need is the Eggplant Emoji

    • Jo


  • Guest

    To pass the time on road trips my friends and I used to play a similar game in which you look at a highway sign and use the same “Joey Tribbiani pitch” to see how overtly sexual you can make it sound. I.e. “I’ll Topanga your Canyon.” Real mature, I know.

  • do the animal with 8 legs

  • Sarah Harlow

    hot dog your roll (pretty obvious less implied?) but it’s actually a bessie smith song from the 1940’s

  • CDJ

    pop your bubble wrap.

  • CDJ

    stuff your turkey. happy thanksgiving.

  • My favorite came from Conan O’Brien trying to think of names for sexual positions….

    “Taking Grandma to Applebee’s”

  • If we are talking Emoji’s… My friend sent me the “OK” hand sign with the pointing hand sign.

  • Shade of Red

    The sunglasses is the first, never heard that one.

  • Hudson Berry

    My code word for sex is scrump, but my friend threw me off the other day when she suggested that as part of his birthday present, she would allow her boyfriend to “beat the kitty up”. Do what you want with that information.

  • Shannon

    Watch the intro to Masters of Sex on Showtime for nonverbal sexual innuendos.

  • Aurora Munyan

    I love going the long way round, “In the classic words of Shakespeare’s Iago, ‘making the beast with two backs.'”

  • JO

    Did you chimi his changa?

  • Kanye’s latest video + MR’s latest Instagram = “I’m gonna Kim your Ye”

  • Winky dinky. Because every text conversation I have with my friends about boys ALWAYS involves a winky face.

  • Dee

    Do the bone dance
    Make the two headed beast
    “I’m going to slip the file into the folder”
    “I’m going off to hide the sausage”
    “I’m going off to practice making babies”

  • Saakshi Kaushik

    My girlfriends and I’s code word for sex is iPod. I don’t know why… sorry.

    • Amelia Diamond

      As in, did you two have iPod last night? Or did you do the iPod? Was shuffle on? How do you use it in a sentence?

      • Saakshi Kaushik

        It’s perfect! Or, the less articulate sentence: I iPoded last night. Shuffle was on, so was Repeat. We chose the Hip Hop Genre – MC Hammer ‘Can’t Touch This’ even gave that ‘hard to get’ vibe, which worked a charm. Apart from sounding like an overly enthusiastic lover of the iPod, you’d never know.

  • Leandra Medine

    Guys, I just tried “bang your kok” and it didn’t work the same way at all. Chinese cities are hard.

    • Maybe the Thai city works better than the Chinese alternatives, actually.
      “bang your kok” makes more sense than, say, “hong your kong” or “Bei your Jing” or “Lin ur Xia,” which all effectively make no sense at all.

      What’d we say for a European city? “Cope’n w/ your Hagen?”

  • Sabrina Haskinson

    Clean your plate…. wash those windows…. Give you a present….. Tie my bow…

  • Queen V

    You wanna spork? Lol!!