How Badly Do You Have to Pee, and is It Worth Getting Up?

I think diapers ruined us. They made us lazy from a very young age — the youngest age, actually, considering that the moment we make our flying exit from the womb our butts are wrapped in cloth.

Babies and toddlers don’t realize how good they have it, because they can pee anywhere, anytime, without interrupting their various activities. And babies are busy, man. The one-year-olds have all of these blocks to stab into other blocks and two-year-olds have a lot of places to be. They don’t have time to look for a Starbucks after dramatically downing two gigantic bottles of water and a coconut juice, or to wait in line at a bar for the restroom, never mind the fact that they shouldn’t be in a bar in the first place because they’re way too young to “drink” drink.

But enough about babies. We’re here to talk about you and the fact that you definitely have to pee, don’t you? It’s late on a Monday morning and unless you’re severely dehydrated from the night before, you’ve probably downed two iced coffees plus a Gatorade by now and you are starting to feel it in your loins.

need to pee

You’re an adult. You KNOW what this sensation means. But because you were spoiled from the moment of birth you don’t want to get up to pee. It’s exactly like R. Kelly sang: “My mind is telling me no, but my body, my body is telling me yes.”

So you’re going to sit there. Aren’t you? You’re going to sit there and squirm and do weird things like prop your heel up under your crotch or bounce around or cross your legs and finish reading this and then check your email and then your phone and then some other website until finally you are about to pee in your actual, adult, real life, non-diapered pants and so you make a full dash for the bathroom like a rhino with a new name is chasing you.

Aren’t you?

Aren’t you?

You totally are.

Should I make this worse?

I could type alllllllll day long because I went pee before I started writing this. Think about waterfalls. And oceans. And lakes. And water slides.

And Mount Rushmore. (Which is more about the name than the body of water.)

Psszzzzzzzzzzzztshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht. <– That’s the sound of a faucet.





Ok fine. I’ll let you go. I have a busy day of block-stabbing ahead.

But we all know you’re not going to go go, are you? Weirdo. Whoever pees their pants first wins!

Images shot by Sebastian Mader, via Interview Magazine

  • hahahahahahahaha. It was like you were reading my mind.


  • Leslie Hitchcock

    This is me, every single day. Holding my pee for NO GOOD REASON.

  • Stephanie

    I was actually about to make a run for the bathroom when I saw this post pop into my feed and I HAD to read it while I bounced around in my seat. What a mind reader. 😉

  • I like to start my work day with a cuppa tea or two. Then I drink tons of water on top of that. Sooo…basically I make very frequent trips to the bathroom, I consider it exercise. :] // ☼

  • Zoe

    Literally the everyday struggle. I have no shame–maybe it’s just time we all accept adult diapers.

    The What’s In Between

  • This is a debate I go through often in the middle of the night 🙂 haha!

  • andrieya

    i’m pregnant right now and trying to drink so much water which makes it SO much worse. i am a holder through and through, but boy is that hard when you have a little love goblin pressing on your bladder! my co-worker and i yell “DIAPERS!” and run out of the office whenever we have to go…that’s the moment when it’s become an emergency and you can hold no longer.

  • Leslie

    Can we talk about when you’re PREGNANT and have to pee every 5 minutes, including at night, and sometimes you can’t bear to get up for the third time in a single night, so you just lay awake and hold it? It’s meta-laziness when you get to that point. (And by “you” I mean ME.)

    • charles owens

      you then learn patience and potty control.

  • Tanja

    Ha ha – so true

  • R Kelly. wow. dying.

  • Guilty as charged! Going to the bathroom is just too interruptive – perhaps diapers should become a fashion statement? Like the tennis shoe trend – fashionable and functional? Win win in my book!

  • Dominique
  • Katie

    To add another dimension to the conversation: the “investment pee”

    • Amelia Diamond

      what’s that!?!

    • san


  • Marta Pozzan

    Haaaaa HILARIOUS good thing it’s Saturday morning as I’m reading it xx

  • Stef

    It’s bad to hold your pee!

    • Actually, its not. As soon as your brain gets the message that you could let out a little dribble if you gave it the chance the best thing to do is just sit on it for a while to train your brain that you can in fact hold on, and in turn strengthen your ability to not wet your pants at the first sign of an impending urination. Holding it too long? Yes. That is bad for you. That will give you all kinds of infections. But we’re talking hours and on the verge of bladder explosion. So unless you’re batshit crazy and dont know when to take a massively obvious hint (in the form of abdominal pain and an inability to walk) then you’re fine to just hold it a little longer 🙂

  • Kristen

    Like watching a movie or a marathon of Breaking Bad and you reaaalllyyyy have to pee but also reeallly don’t want to make a concerted effort to move. I hate that

  • Lou Sv

    I always had this every night at the wee hour of the morning that is. Ruined my sleep,and now im thinking of buying those adult diapers.

    • Macey

      Do it!! 🙂 My gf and I wear them in bed. Its our naughty little secret. ;)Theres a stigma around them but I truly recommend you go buy a pack and try sleeping in them:). Theyre soft and fluffy and feel amazingly comfy under warm covers.

      Its also kinda fun when you wake up in cozy blankets cuddling with your babe, and you REALLY have to pee. Youre about to get up as a naughty grin spreads over your face and you remember you have a diaper on.

      Tl;dr Adventurous girlfriend and I wear diapers at night and pee in bed; and it feels amazing! #No shame!!

  • Fashion40ish

    I have a bladder the size of a walnut hence I pee like a puppy. :0) Helen

  • I wait until I finish the sentence. No, the point. no, the paragraph. No, the – get up and pee, stupid.

  • Anthi

    So true!! But you really shoud mention that small little detail which makes us wanna disapear from planet earth! You are in the office, you rush to the bathroom, pull down your pants you and you start feeling relieved when you sense that small “river” taking the wrong direction towards your cute pants which finally get wet and you never want to get out!!! I suggest hair dryer in office bathrooms!!

  • san

    Amazing mind reader you are

  • Popcorn

    I drink 10 gatorades each morning go to the gym go to school than work and you gat used to it