Horoscopes Here! Get Your Horoscopes Here!

I still can’t read the word Uranus without laughing. That said, after my November rant on horoscopes turned into one of acceptance and then, addiction, I can no longer ignore Susan Miller and her fresh slew of astrologically-influenced life predictions. In fact, one of my favorite new past times is reading her long-form crystal balls and condensing them into little chucks of nonsensical but perhaps prophetic wisdom for my friends who don’t follow The Suz. Since it’s December and you’re my friends, let’s get started.

We can begin with Taurus first since that’s what I am. Miller says that “a happy beam from Uranus” (which she also notes is the “planet of surprise”!) means us bulls or whatever a Taurus is will have good luck with money this month. She wrote that “most Taurus can always find ways to stash a little money away each month,” to which I say “HAHAH!” This bull can not.

For the lucky AriesSuzy is really excited about your mooooons. One of your moons means it’s a good time to travel and another (or maybe it’s the same one but who can keep count) means you’ll shine academically/in the work place. Big fat Uranus shows up again, sending beams to your moon(s)(?) and making everything go unexpectedly well for you.

Gemini, you can say Gemin-hi to your love life. From December 3 – 10 it will be all sparkly and whatnot thanks to Mars. It will also add an element of surprise to your social life, so that sounds fun!

Hey Cancers, sweet aerial crab 0-the-stars. Susan wants you to focus on your health this month and get your fitness done early before January’s resolutions. “30 minutes will do” she says, in reference to your workout plan. That seems manageable enough and I just might join you after eating my weight in pie these past few days. Shall we start a walking club?

Leoyou’re a party animal early on in this month. Your house of romance and fun is all lit up, you have a ton of events to look forward to. And somehow, despite all of this cab-taking you’re clearly going to be doing, it looks like you’ll be able to get caught up financially. La-dee-da! From December 21 – January 31, however, it is not a time to buy yourself a diamond ring.

I hope you like friendship, Virgo, because it sounds like you’re going to have a ton of guests and hand holding and singing around the old campfire. Also, “the full moon of December 17 in Gemini (25 degrees) will likely be a big moment for your career.” You heard it from The Wise Suz first, I just spread the word.

Pack your bags, ya Libra! This month is all about travel for you. Apparently, however, your ruling planet Venus has decided to take a nap, so it may seem like things are a bit stuck. That’s sort of rude of Venus but since you’re encouraged to travel, I say go somewhere you can get a tan — or at least a large piña colada — while you’re waiting for ol’ lazy bones to wake up.

Scorpios should “put a gold star on December 12, one of your very finest days of the month, when Jupiter (luck, profits, happiness) and Saturn (long-term agreements, stability) combine forces at a “trine” aspect, one of supreme harmony.” Well if that doesn’t sound angelic then I don’t know what does.

To the future Woody Allens out there — Capricorn gets a moon that will appear in your “subconscious sector.” This means that you should envision your life as a movie, with everything you want to happen, and since your brain apparently can’t discern between real life and dreams you’ll push yourself closer to getting what you want.

It’s the age of…AquariusAround December 17 you’re going to have an “enchanting, romantic moment” (ooo!) and you’ll have an open road to pursue all your life goals and dreams and cupcakes and rainbows. The end of the month is not, however, a time for plastic surgery.

Piscesyour house of friendship is brightening so I wonder if you should hang out with a Virgo and then you can invite all of your new buddies to the big party that our furry-maned Leos are apparently hosting. On December 12th you’ll get a whole bunch of gold stars or something like that. Make sure you share!

Last but not least, since it is your month, after all, Sagittarius, you are getting one of the best moons of the year! Lucky. Susan writes that “each year at birthday time, you get a big cosmic gift, a new moon in your sign, and you can use it to grasp a dream close to your heart that is of your choosing. This only happens once a year, so think about this!”  Um, it is Cyber Monday after all so to me, this means…go shopping.

To sum this all up, it looks like we’re all doing fairly well financially, we’ll attend some fancy fetes and it was stressed that none of us should do anything drastic regarding our looks. (Raise your hand if you’re like, YOLO, Suz, I’m chopping this shit off regardless.)

“There is no predestination in astrology,” Susan wrote in my sign’s copy. “You must take action to show the universe your intent.” 


Read your full horoscopes here and tell us in the comments what this month looks like for you.

Image via British Vogue, shot by Tim Gutt

  • Swanky Suri

    I’m a sagitarius. So my horoscope tells me to find a whore-esque birthday dress. And act like a bitch. Awkward, this isn’t anything new….. hahahhaha 😉

  • Quinn Halman

    Ok I’m an aries and my horoscope is good, ok, great. You know what’s not great? How I can’t wear jewelry with the aries, I guess, symbol on it. Why you may ask? BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE FEMALE ANATOMY!!! All I see is the cervix leading to the fallopian tubes! AAANNNDD the star constellation is so boring! Pisces, honestly, share some of your stars.
    Nonetheless I think the way people find out horoscopes is pretty cool. It may have been the insane amount of “That’s So Raven” I watched as a kid, but I totally believe in all this stuff.

    • Amelia Diamond

      I say embrace the fallopian tubes BUT IF YOU CAN’T, what about this Charlotte Olympia clutch http://bit.ly/1fZYF6f or shoes? http://bit.ly/1chCqFf (she made them for all the signs and I’m a little bit ahbsessed)

      • Quinn Halman

        Man oh man, I can see why you’re ahbsessed! But damn it, Amelia, I already got my Hannukah present… I wouldn’t be opposed if you felt you just HAD to get me the shoes (I wear a 39 but I can squeeze if necessary). I guess I’ll just embrace the fallops for now.

        • genevieve

          At least you don’t have the cancer symbol! Everyone thinks its for the number 69, so I’d look like a pervert if I had on jewelry or whatever!

          • Amelia Diamond

            embrace the perv!

  • Maral Halliyeva

    Your writing always cheers me up : )

  • CDJ

    OK, I am also a Taurus (sistahz!) and while very briefly skimming my full horoscope for the month, I found many points to ring true to my current situation! I am trying to refinance my school loans and ask my bo$$ about health insurance!! CRAY! ANDDD not to be too graphic but I was considering getting a mole (beauty mark or angel kiss) removed, but HELL NO am I doing that if Venus is in retrograde until the end of Jan!! Shoot, I’m going to have to read the entire thing before I make any more moves this month.

  • Caitlin Bright

    Amelia, I too am newly obsessed with horoscopes. Thanks for this. I love your writing!

  • epaladeau

    This is creepy. Im a cancer and I just joined equinox yesterday……

    • Same. Aries who just booked a trip to Honduras AND got a promotion at work today. Suze slash Amelia are maaagical

  • Hey, Fellow Taurus! Are you a May or an April girl? And haha LOL at the $$$ prediction. That must mean I’m babysitting, like, one more time than usual this month.

    • Amelia Diamond

      May babies!

  • Emily Lund

    I am definitely a Libra, and I am definitely traveling this month. fitting 🙂

  • Im a Libra 🙂 and I am travelling already so yay for me!

  • Pahtrisha

    A Gemini, I have to say that my horoscope is always the same, month after month and always true. 😉