Are You Sick of Your Lame Friend Who Isn’t on Instagram?

The argument against Instagram, Snapchat and the like is repeated so often that if I were a member of the Baha Men and we were still a notable band, I’d recommend we change the word “dogs” to “parrots” in our most popular song, thus passive-aggressively hinting — via catchy jingle! — that certain people need to stop reiterating what has already been said: “it takes away from the present moment.”

Instagram, Snapchat and co. are not life-Grinches. They are not Robin Hoods. No one is stealing hours from your life; no one is robbing you of your childhood. You know what does take away from the moment, however?

When you spend five minutes trying to tag your stupid friend and then realize that he or she does not have Facebook/Instagram/Twitter/Vine. That robs me of me-time. That steals hours from my soul.

But it is fruitless — not to mention mind-numbing — to complain without a plan of action. Merely texting he or she who refuse to partake in your digital space of choice will do nothing; at this point it’s like, do they even have a phone? Before you resign your friend to a tree house life of communicating with paper cups, however, try sending them our handy, dandy Social Media Request form.

It’s causal, it’s persuasive, and most importantly, it’s fast. All you have to do is copy and paste the below into a text or email:

Dear [Your Friend’s Name Here],

It has recently come to my attention that you do not have [insert social media platform here]. That really sucks!

Here are some reasons why:

1) Without you, there is one less person to [choose one or all] like my picture/Tweet/comment/open my double chin Snapchat. This hurts my self esteem.

2 – Facebook/Instagram/Vine) If we’re in a group picture together and your tag is missing, people will think you’ve since died.

2 – Twitter) If I’m mentioning all of my best friends in a Tweet, people will think we’re in a fight. Or that you died.

3) You are un-stalkable. This is no longer a good thing in the world of job interviews and dating. A clean slate is a clean slate. A blank one is sketchy.

Maybe you don’t have [insert social media platform here] because you don’t have a fun username. That’s ok! Plenty of people these days follow the tried-and-true routine of First Name-Last Name-Underscore-Birth Year. If you need something jazzier, try this:

1) Take the name of the street you grew up on.

2) If it was a number, use the name of your town instead.

3) Now, take the name of your first pet.

4) Combine, and voila. So what if that’s also your hypothetical stripper name? It’s catchy!

It is possible, of course, that you simply don’t have [insert social media platform here] because you don’t know how to download it. That’s okay. No judgement zone. If so, sign up for [choose one or all below]:

Facebook here!
Twitter here!
Vine here!
Snapchat here!
Instagram here!

Can’t wait to see you on the other side of the glass screen, buddy.


[Your name here]


And if you’re wondering why all those links took you to Man Repeller stories? Um… Internet glitch! Bye!

(But you do know we have Snapchat, right? Follow us: man_repeller <– use the ‘score.)

Original image via Mashable.

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