A little while ago, I learned — or rather convinced myself — that if I wasn’t fed every two hours my blood pressure would plummet, giving way to faintness and the spins. I’d envision myself waiting and subsequently fainting on the Duane Reade check-out line. The paramedics would find me with a Kind Bar and carton of Tropicana still clutched in the palm of my blanched hand.
These fears were born out of a doctor’s diagnosis and exacerbated by the hypochondriac within me. I have since been known to carry around an almond snack pack or two, and almost always have a carton of kale chips/almonds/almond butter cookies/raw cookie dough bites/and or emergency revival sugar sticks by my desk.
Am I being dramatic?
The problem with snacking is that it’s so hard to stop. One tablespoon of almond butter soon turns to four and before you know it you’re double fisting Justin’s Nut Butter like a Squirrel during harvesting season. I envy snackers who can exercise a bit of self and portion control, but don’t care for those who adhere to the three-meal-a-day plan, snacking hardly ever if at all. To them I say: what is life if not a box of daily, 4PM chocolates?
The spectrum of snackers is wide and varied, including but not limited to:
1. The Whole Foods Bandit
When hunger strikes, you head not to the corner bodega, but to the nearest Whole Foods. Why settle for a $4 protein bar when you can taste the world’s cuisine FOR FREE at one of the store’s many sampler booths. Craving salty and sweet? A mini tempeh slider finished off with a spoonful of vegan chocolate mousse. Bon appetite. Appetit?
2. The Snack Attacker
You take your snacks like you take your cocktails: inventive, in small doses, and every half hour. You also don’t pigeonhole yourself, time-wise, allowing your taste buds to know ecstasy whenever, wherever.
3. The Tapas Queen
The ultimate snacker. In fact, rarely do you sit down to enjoy an ordinary meal. You’re the friend who suggests we “order a bunch of small plates for the table” and “share everything.” Your palate is greedy. That’s okay.
4. The Copy-Cat Snacker
You’re observant; you notice all of your friends’ weird-ass habits and sometimes adopt them as your own. You also can’t stop once you see your friend pop, and heaven-forbid your co-worker starts eating chocolate coated apricots, because she makes them look so damn good and now your stomach is suddenly rumbling for a snack you technically hate.
5. The Recess Free-Loader
Your mom never packed you snacks as a youngster. Instead, you relied on classmate Edith to half her Fruit By the Foot with you. You’d clamor around during recess, looking to score until your pre-school teacher agreed to give you just one more graham cracker. Not much has changed only you can afford to buy your own Dunkaroos now. But can you find them?
6. The Faux Splurger
You credit your taut abs to your three-meal-a-day regimen, consisting, at least once a day, of Chobani and honey. I’d bet you frequently mention the French ancestry in your genetic makeup but I don’t know you so that’s just a guess.
7. The Mindful Snacker
Everything else in your life is perfectly proportionate and compartmentalized and your eating habits are no exception. You snack only twice, either between meals or after an intense workout. You’re not one for overindulgence and that makes me sleepy. Now, reach for that carrot and hummus dip and tell me (BECAUSE I’M DYING TO KNOW), where on the spectrum do you fall?
Come over, I have cookies.
— Esther Levy
Photos by Krista Anna Lewis