Do You Have a “Resting Bitch Face”?
05.07.14
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“Bitchy Resting Face” has been around forever. (Mona Lisa’s probably like, Hi, no shit, I invented it.) But when a recent crop of “X Ways to Tell” took over my Facebook newsfeed, I got really annoyed. Not because the concept actually dates back to the Italian Renaissance as opposed to an Urban Dictionary entry, or because of the use of the word “bitch.”

It’s because these women who claim they have it seem to feel helpless. Like they don’t know how not to have Bitchy Resting Face.

If this were a TED talk, here’s where I’d tell you that I once battled BRF. I too have left the party for a bathroom break only to have some guy ask my friends why I wasn’t raging with a day-glo smile. Once I was even asked if I was, “the angry friend,” to which I answered, “I am now.”

But there’s a cure to the bullshit.

As is the case with typical BRF, the afflicted typically are not annoyed or angry. They’re just bored.

Boredom is the root from which a flatlined face grows.

Think about this. No one has ever told you that you look “a little pissed” in that photo where you’re wearing a Hawaiian shirt while plummeting down a commercialized abyss at Disney’s Splash Mountain.

Traumatized, perhaps. Bitchy? No.

And I’d also bet that no one’s ever come up to you while the song “Juicy” was playing to make sure you’re “feeling okay,” nor have they bothered you during a really fantastic nap to ask if you hate them. Imagine for a moment, however, that you’re standing in an elevator and trying to avoid awkward eye contact. What does your face look like?

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Exactly.

So you see, my friends, to remedy Bitchy Resting Face is to be eternally on roller coasters.

Literal ones, with extra drops.

And, of course, to do things you like, like listen to music or practice your dance moves. If you’re at a bar and bored as hell, takeover the juke box and start a game of limbo. I’ve been known to shove ice down my pants because it’s A) refreshing and B) impossible to remain stoic mid-frost bite.

If all else fails you can always try this:

-Raise both hands like you’re about to give someone a team-building-exercise-high-five.

-Turn palms inward, and bring hands slowly toward your face

-Pivot fingers downward until they reach the corner of your mouth

-Insert the ring, middle, and index fingers of both hands into mouth, keeping the left digits on the left side, right digits on the right

-Pull

-Voila! Now you’re no longer the angry friend, you’re the weird one. But man do you have a nice sparkly grill.

Ok. Your turn. Do you have “bitchy resting face”? And if so, HOW DO YOU COMBAT IT? Or do you not combat it? Personally, I like to look a little pissed off now and again. Sometimes I get a free ice cream because of it. And sometimes, I feel like the Mona Lisa.

— Amelia Diamond