Welcome Back to Reality, Fuckers!

“Sometimes I look up and it’s 3 a.m. and I’m watching a video of a giraffe eating a steak…and I wonder, ‘How did I get here?’” These are the words of 15-year-old Owen Lanahan from a New York Times article on the “new teenage trend” called “Vamping.”

#Vamping (typically paired with a hashtag, just like everything else these days) is a term these crazy kids have come up with to promote the fact that they are — please make sure you’re sitting down; what I’m about to say is shocking — STAYING UP LATE TO DO SHIT.

“She’ll go to bed and I’ll check on her an hour later and she’ll have her phone,” said one aghast mother. The Times is both concerned and fascinated with this phenomenon. I think it’s important to note that “phenomenon” is their word, not mine, however, because #vamping — again, staying up late to do unproductive shit — has been around longer than frogs. Raise your hand if you haven’t found yourself googling carnivorous giraffes at 4 AM. Now look around the classroom; all your hands are flat on the desk, aren’t they?

Though the article’s focus is on these teens’ inability to unplug (Snapchatting until 3 AM is apparently more disruptive and stressful than sneaking in a few extra chapters of Harry Potter per the days of my wild youth), what should have been celebrated is their exceptional reality-escaping abilities. They are learning, from a young age, how to best combat their Sunday Scaries — something I don’t think we were adequately prepared for back in my day.

By staying up all night to send selfies and flirt awkwardly with emojis, these kids are becoming severely sleep deprived, yes. But they are living by the motto that if you don’t go to sleep, tomorrow never really comes, which means MONDAY MORNING (aka, reality post-vacation) could be rendered completely obsolete for them in the future.

It’s actually sort of genius. They are like rock stars, but with cell phones. Scientists, but with braces.

Of course I worry for the youth. I worry that they will have to combat dark circles much earlier and will become a stunted generation height-wise due to extremely young coffee habits. But they will be fine — they will adapt. They are on their way to beginning the first human-marsupial community and will soon flourish in a reality-free life, whereas the rest of us who merely snuck book chapters-by-flashlight in our teens will be eternally rocking back and forth on our butt bones come the end of every vacation.

And so I ask: vamping, ramping, weirdo rubber stamping: HOW DO YOU AVOID REALITY? Because it’s halfway into Monday and I’m still crouched under my desk in fear.

— Amelia Diamond

To address similar and trending peculiarities, let’s talk about The Ghost Goodbye  — and about how hard it is to be lazy.


  • Jenna Calderone

    Can you please share more details about human marsupials?

    • Amelia Diamond

      Glad you asked, Jenna Calderone! Marsupials are often nocturnal. Please don’t fact check the word often. Vamping teens will eventually turn half human, half marsupial due to their erratic sleep patterns and proclivity towards carrying their friends in the pockets (aka, iPhones). I believe they will look something like this:

      • Charlotte Fassler


      • Charlotte Fassler

        what did you google to find this?

        • Amelia Diamond

          “human marsupial” – the internet was like, “ask and ye shall receive.”

          • Jenna Calderone

            god bless u, Amelia Diamond

      • Ana González

        I can´t believe this! Amelia you made my week!!


  • ee_by_cc

    Yeah, so I was just telling my husband the other day that when I was little I used to stay up late to READ BOOKS. I’d put a towel in front of the crack of the door so my parents couldn’t see my light and bust me for being up past bed time. I guess if the term had existed back them, I’d be #dorkvamping?


  • Stephanie

    By reading the comments of Man Repeller posts! Of course! p.s. (imagine the most crochety old lady voice now) kids these days! They really do stay up doing nothing. At least when I was a kid we were watching terrible late-night TV. Anyone remember Blind Date? One of the best dating shows EVER!

  • I use to do this crazy thing, although I’m not sure today’s youth still partakes in this activity. Its called #studying. Till 4 AM almost every-single-night. Ahhh, to be young again.

    • Amelia Diamond

      I’m not sure I know what that is

  • Samantha

    I didn’t think smiling was possible on such a dreadful Monday – but reading this article proved otherwise. Thanks so much Amelia!



    • Amelia Diamond

      You are so welcome Samantha!

  • I started to draw faces on my grapes today that I brought as a snack. It was fun for a second.

  • Fucker is such a good word. It’s probably my favorite construction of fuck. I love when people say it. Oh, and I avoid reality by thinking about things like how I enjoy the word fucker. THANKS FOR THE FUNNY ARTICLE, FUCKER!

  • GapToothedGirl

    And this is not a joke?!?? If it’s true please let me sleep for the rest of the week!!!
    XOX, Gap.

  • Kristen

    This is definitely me. My parents turn wifi off every night and sometimes I sneak downstairs like the stealth ninja I am to turn the wifi back on and proceed to watch old episodes of Ugly Betty or Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee until the wee hours of the morning in bed and it’s GREAT


  • i stay up reading blogs and binge watching Orange is the New black. It’s perfect! Screw under-eye circles.

  • Louise Palazzo

    I remember being caught reading a book under the covers using a barbie sofa with a battery powered sidelamp attached to it to light my word-obsessed way. #90svamping

    • Amelia Diamond

      get that hashtag going!

    • sarah

      OMG i used my battery powered barbie flashlight to sneak read in bed

  • gina

    the opening statement had me laughing out loud!! http://www.thewanderlusthasgotme.blogspot.co.uk

  • john
  • this heavenly place they call Man Repeller is where I escape reality. This, and late night show interviews + tech reviews on youtube.

  • Cristina Feather

    You are good, Amelia! You are so good! (at writing, I mean :)) )

    • Amelia Diamond

      <3 !!!

  • *blush* … I SLEEP. As much as possible.

    I know, I know … all those clocks just ticking away while I do it …

  • lea

    So that’s what I have been doing for the entire school year called! Vamping!

  • Kandeel

    Been #vamping since #summer2k12 . Like today I decided it was necessary that I slept at 6:00AM and wake up at 3:00PM. But if i really am engrossed in a book the electronics just disappear!