For more weird movie reviews, check out Amelia’s review of Paper Towns starring Cara Delevingne.
Now, you can pretend that your cinematic taste is so elevated you never deigned to watch the movie, or if you did watch, it was because someone forced you, and thought it “sucked.” But I call bullshit on you and humanity; this movie could make a tuna melt cry — it is that good. The first time I watched it, my mom had to drive me to the hospital because I started choking from crying so hard.
But here’s the thing. It’s also super fucking weird. Here are 10 reasons why.
1) Noah is more or less a psychopath. He threatens to kill himself if Allie doesn’t agree to a date.
2) Then he claims he relaxes by lying down in the middle of the street. Oh cool same.
3) He takes Allie to a haunted house to have sex for the first time.
4) And then he takes her to a lake filled with SWANS. Why does no one understand that a lake full of swans is absolutely disgusting? Just imagine that instead of swans, it was a lake full of pigeons. Not so picturesque now, is it?
5) Allie also had a lot of issues prior to her late-age-dementia, such as Clinical Lycanthropy: “a rare psychiatric syndrome that involves a delusion that the affected person can transform into, has transformed into, or is a non-human animal.”
Allie: Say I’m a bird.
Noah: No. Won’t do it.
Allie: Say I’m a bird
Noah: Stop it. Stop it now.
Allie: SAY IT! <– She also was dealing with poor anger management. However, Clinical Lycanthropy disorder explains why she was not freaked out during their little trip to swan lake.
6) Also, her dad is the Monopoly guy before he went gray.
7) E from Entourage has a girlfriend before Ryan Gosling does. In what world? Did E direct this movie or something?
8) The stupid newsboy caps. I think the cast of Disney’s 1992 hit Newsies can tell you that no one’s gotten a hand job in a newsboy cap since EVER.
Ed. note from Leandra: I am not cheating on my husband.
10) Finally, when that woman Martha Washington or whatever comes over to Noah’s with a basket of muffins for a morning booty call, Allie invites her in. (Allie’s also passive aggressive: if my ex-boyfriend-who-I-was-panic-sleeping-with’s current hook up came over avec muffins I’d be like, look Martha Washington, this is awkward, but you have to leave.) That’s not the weird part.
The weird part is that Martha Washington doesn’t reemerge until sunset, which means she was in there for a full work-day, which sounds like a threesome to me BUT I’ve watched enough cult-related documentaries to know that they were definitely brainwashing her. Why do you think we never hear from her again?
Now who wants to come over tonight and watch the movie?