There’s a Retiree in My Shopping Cart

Last night, while poking around Need Supply, it dawned on me that I’d assumed the confident, shuffling gait of a grandmother who loves herself. While I mean this metaphorically, I should also disclose that I’m currently suffering another stress-induced disc flare-up, so it’s not purely figurative. The realization hit when I put a third pair of loose-fitting cotton pants in my cart: I think I want to dress like I’m retired. Happily retired, maybe several years into it, like I’m up for a card game at any time. Like the only thing on my calendar for the next week is my granddaughter’s soccer game and all I intend to bring are brownies and gumption.

All I want to wear are big, high-waisted pants like these, which I already own in mustard and have had trouble removing from my body. Bonus points if the pants have a paper-bag-style waist like these. Or actually these, because they are giant and denim and would make me feel 65+. I’ll also take roomy-but-structured capris like these or these because how cool will they look with boots and socks and coats in the winter?

Pants are for breathing, is my motto.

I’d also like a peach polo like this one for days I want to wear red lipstick but don’t want to be too obvious about it. Or maybe I’d rather it button all the way down like this one so I can trick people into thinking I’m in a minimalist bowling league. Underneath I need this peach brief and bra so I can feel safe and soft at all times. Peach peach more peach.

I’m definitely going to need this blue roll-collar dress in case one of my several granddaughters graduates from something at some point. Or maybe this super stiff black skirt that would look like a granny-chic sculpture when I paired it with this cloud. Or another polo. And this cool white blazer because I’m a freaking lady and I’ve needed a blazer forever.

Also my feet are tired! Can you blame me? I sit literally all day. Why am I so sorely lacking in shoes that resemble slippers like these (only $62!!!) or these? Or, actually, these red ones that will make me feel like Dorothy, which I just decided is my retiree pseudonym. Dorothy would so wear these orange babies to a Sunday matinee, don’t you think? Or maybe these hamster heels if it was a Friday and me and Dorothy were feeling fluffy.

Sensible or bust, is our motto.

Collages by Ana Tellez.


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