I shop online sales like you shopped the cereal aisle when you were ten: with a running start, I lean on my cart and fly, one palm gripping the handle bar and the other outstretched as though I’m an American Idol pop star slapping fans some skin. I move fast without consideration for practicality (in terms of price or what I actually need, let alone what I’d actually wear). It’s like free-associating at the therapist’s office or wearing a mask during karaoke. In these add-to-cart sprees, I’m happy and untethered to the rules previously administered to me, by me.
If I had to put it into a sound: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Here’s what’s in there currently:
+ A pair of gray calf socks with sequin flowers appliquéd (to jazz up the less-insulated shoes I want to wear).
+ A striped top — I know you and I both have a million of those! — but this one has ruffles on the sleeve.
+ Very, very sexy leopard kitten pumps by Francesco Russo (walkable hubba hubba).
+ By the same designer: your classic black ankle boot with a twist: a low leopard heel.
+ This amazing tartan apron dress with polkadot wings/sleeves (you just have to see to understand/believe).
+ The most glamorous pair of Anna-Karin Karlsson sunglasses, also leopard because I love a theme.
+ Snakeskin-embossed boots by No21 to be my neutral alternate on days I don’t want black.
+ This Isa Arfen striped off-the-shoulder top, which is excellent for anyone who is not sick of the OTS trend but wants something new.
+ A Shrimps leopard faux-fur coat to keep warm and within the aforementioned (and accidental) theme.
+ A HAY peacock feather pen because it is $10 and amazing!!!
+ This Ainea embroidered satin-and-faux fur coat, because I don’t have anything like it.
+ A navy-and-black double-breasted jacket, which is expensive but I swear I’d overwear it (and get its money’s worth).
+ My dream Altuzarra sweater.
+ A suede Jacquemus skirt with the hem half lopped-off on purpose to confuse my relatives.
+ Pink glitter rainboots….???…I don’t know. I hate the rain. Might as well have glitter shoes to wear on my commute.
+ Pale pink leather gloves with pompoms to feel extravagant.
+ This Dolce & Gabbana skirt because it’s houndstooth and I’m teething.
+ And finally, a zebra-printed Kenzo skirt, which isn’t leopard (but man is it wild!)
Despite the discounts, I can’t buy all of this. Mom’s going to make me put back the sugary cereal and anything with artificial flavoring. Looking at what’s inside my cart, it’s pretty clear that I’ve conjured up someone’s Wacky Aunt Cathy in here. She’d let me keep the Reese’s Puffs, for sure. Mostly because they pair well with leopard.
Collages by Emily Zirimis.