All The Important Stuff that Happened While You Were on a Beach


Do you hear that noise? It’s Monday and there is a 98% chance that it is coming for you. I hear the other 2 percentage points are in an offshore bank account near Geneva, but that is neither here nor there. What is here is your pre-lunch break chatter, broken down formulaically into seven bullet points that you can memorize to make you sound smarter or weirder than any other hungry soul hovering over the free sandwich table.

1. President Obama has been impeached by a huge pineapple thus threatening the safety of the White House and humanity at large. [Fresh Direct]

2. Whitney Houston has incidentally risen from the dead and as a direct result is begging the question: who is Somebody and will you just dance, dammit? [RCA Records]

3. Amelia has officially metamorphosed from baby carrot to a human lobster, seafood notwithstanding. Past incidents including a pair of orange shorts decorated by nautical knots and an increasing proclivity toward men in mirrored lenses, residing on the island (?) of Nantucket have alluded toward the transformation, which now has the writer up in claws, frustrated at her keyboard and lack of fingers.  [Instagram]

4. We may not know exactly what The Royal “They” say about big feet, but on the topic of big toes, the largest one of its kind, located in the United States is now being used as a sock model in Western New York, allegedly raking in an astounding $24,000 per photo. [Knitting Help]

5. Jason Derulo is actually a mermaid. [Wiggle Wit It]

6. Studies show that picking your nose is actually fantastic for your health so long as you don’t treat your olfactory caverns like the California gold rush. Meanwhile, the same studies also proved that shoving boogers back into your nose is not only counter-productive, it’s dangerous. [Kleenex]

7. Evidence above suggests that Leandra now thinks she is a reporter at The Onion, in addition to being the official carrier of Derulo now that he is, in fact, half fish. Seeing as I know her personally (so personally, we live in the same body),  may I just say: don’t quit your day job, as I would like to keep mine. [Click Hole]