In My Cart: The Makings of a Mermaid for a Last Summer Hurrah

Not sure who went around and started the rumor that mermaids only dress like Disney’s Ariel and wear seashells over their boobs and have long green scaly tails — and I mean, for sure, some of them do — but what about the mermaids who bust out their city legs a bit more often? The mermaids who feel at home in a pair of pantaloons with random ruffles on the hems. IDK how they actually wear them, but I know they own them.

Ditto the pink lizard slides; mermaids love those guys. Who knows how they jam their fins into said shoes or why but I will tell you this: when it’s mid-August and you’re semi-sick of shopping (mostly because you’re kinda over buying beach clothes but live under the water yet you’re definitely not over summer), what you need are a pair of cool mules to make your denim cutoffs feel new again.

Please don’t ask me how mermaids put on denim cutoffs. Like the shoe and pant thing, I find it physically confusing. But mermaids are kind of magic, right?

What about the mermaids who opt in to cover their chest in the name of a velvet tiered tank topFree the nipple’s well and good but show me a nip that doesn’t like feeling expensive — and rolling around in velvet will do that to you.

Can I get a what-what for all of the mermaids in metallic swimsuits? Like, can I be you?

Man do I long to be the kind of mermaid who wears burnt orange silk slip dresses that swim around the body and earrings so big they act as flippers. The kind of mermaid who places shades on her face even though mermaids don’t have that sensitivity to light thing.

The sad thing is that the key to my mer-person success essentially lies in the fate of this cart. Do I click buy and kiss my apartment goodbye, or…do I pick one thing and throw the rest to the birds?

Seagulls will eat anything. A mermaid told me that.

Collages by Emily Zirimis and Lily Ross.


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