Your May Horoscope Is Here and It’s Going to Help Your Cabin Fever

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Hello and welcome to another month!! I know it has been another month because the moon has waxed and waned and my cell phone and laptop tell me so but honestly what even is time anymore!! I have to say, writing horoscopes right now feels like a combination of doing standup and a TED talk while an oncoming stampede of thestrals (those horse monsters that are invisible unless you’ve seen death in Harry Potter) comes charging at us and I’m just like, wait wait what’s your rising sign!!? Was the thestral reference too dark? I don’t know! I haven’t spoken to a human being in real life in uncountable days! What do people talk about these days?!

I don’t know how to interact with people in normal, non-macabre Harry Potter-based ways anymore because I am one of the incredibly fortunate people who is able to still self-isolate, and it just feels incredibly gross to talk about this moment as if we’re all experiencing it in the same way. And, look, I know you don’t come to the horoscopes to contemplate your station in a broken system, but I want to take this opportunity to say that if astrology has a job right now, that job is to be both a mirror that encourages us to reflect on how we are attending to our emotional and spiritual needs, and a window, which allows us to look out at the world beyond us and cultivate a more generous worldview. And, if you are looking through that window right now and wondering how you can help, here is a great list of orgs to donate to, plus other, non-financial ways to lend a hand.

This month’s horoscopes will focus on two celestial events that manifest this mirror/window function. The full moon in Scorpio on the 7th will amplify all signs’ emotional aspects and encourage us to look inward, at our relationships to resources, to our domestic lives, and to ourselves. Meanwhile, the Sun in Taurus encourages us all to tune into our commitments and stubbornly stand for what we believe is important, all while taking care of ourselves tenaciously.


Taurus

Omgosh birthday bull!! Yayy!!! If you are a regular consumer of these dispatches from the celestial realm, then you know that I am not generally one to pick favorites. But! Today, Taurus, you are the anointed one!! Imagine a 100-gun salute in your honor, but instead of guns it’s kazoos sustaining one long, strange, celebratory note. Because that’s what I would get you for your birthday if kazoos weren’t possible disease vectors just shooting spit particles out into the air like tiny gross invisible missiles. Anyway! Come full moon in Scorpio on the 7th, you’re in for some catharsis, although it might not be an easy row to hoe at first. Scorpio is a sign full of secrets, and the full moon is all about the completion of cycles. This means that it’s likely that some buried info could come to light, and most likely in the more intimate realms of your life.

Have no fear, you perfect, sun-washed creature that miraculously exists in a universe full of primarily darkmatter.not only should you take heart in the fact that you exist when it is so statistically improbable that anything at all should exist, but also in the fact that this month is chock-full of opportunities to cut dead weight and make space for new things, such at Venus’ retrograde on the 13th! This celestial event will have you taking the long view of relationships. What patterns can you notice that span from 2012 to now? Take stock of who and what brings you that comfy cozy sweet feeling of when you’re falling in love and you have finally decided that the person you’re doin it with might be, like, your actual partner and you get a drawer at their house. That is the vibe we’re looking for. Amp that up and minimize relationships where you don’t feel soothed.

Gemini

Hello there, you human hummingbird—welcome to Taurus season! With the sun in Taurus, you are called to consider whether or not you’re getting as much as you’re giving. Being friends with a Gemini is like the friendship equivalent of someone at a rave doing a sick light-up glove performance in front of your massively dilated pupils. It’s awesome. It’s so friggin awesome in the moment that you’re like, Whoa, I really am gonna be okay. And then you weep from the beauty. That is how good Geminis are at being friends! This month the stars insist that you ask yourself: Are you being that good of a friend to yourself right now? My mother always told me, Honey, don’t wait on someone else to change your life, you’ve gotta be your own light-up-finger-glove show. And I’m telling you the same thing. You better hop-to, because Venus retrogrades on the 13th, and if you’re not taking a good, long look at the ways you may have over-extended yourself for others (and under-extended yourself for yourself), old patterns in your love and friend life could really get out of hand.

The biggest celestial theme this month is taking stock of patterns, integration, and learning. The full moon in Scorpio on the 7th welcomes you into May sort of like a swift slap on the ass—but in the cute fun way. Like a tap—a tap between friends! Like you just scored a goal on a hypothetical sports team. Only instead of setting up a little good-natured eroticism between athletes, this full moon will ask you to reflect on which crutches in your life you’re strong enough now to shed. I, for example, have been eating a cubic ton of ice cream nightly for second dinner. Which is morally fine in my estimation, but also according to many internet sources, probably not the best idea, long term. So find your version of eating the weight of a human baby in ice cream every night, and see what it feels like to scale back. By the time your solar return comes around on the 20th, you will be ready to celebrate in a more moderate, balanced state.

Cancer

Hello there, you perfect, completely whole and brilliantly made star child! Welcome to Taurus season! The Sun in Taurus this month is all about filling up your own chalice, so that you have abundant internal resources. Use this time wisely by tuning in to the things that make your body feel good. I suggest sensual self massage and setting reminders on your phone throughout the day to scream creative profanities into a couch cushion.

Also, I think that if Cancers were a candy bar, they would be a Snickers bar that someone put in the freezer. Like, a hard shell of chocolate that is delicious in and of itself, but the star of the show is that rich, nourishing, nougaty inside. And sure, you may be all, like, Sarah, that metaphor could have worked with any number of chocolate-coated candy bars. Which is a fair point. But I am really angling for a Snickers sponsorship, so bear with me. This rich internal world you’ve cultivated will be of real benefit come the full moon in Scorpio on the 7th. This celestial event will have everybody getting real emotionally contemplative—which, lucky for you, is familiar territory, since you’re generally such an internally oriented candy bar. I mean, human.

Respond to the influence of this full moon by listening to those nagging intuitions that won’t leave you alone. That idea for a short story about the internal life of the toaster oven you feel might be secretly a super judgemental personality and burns your toast out of malice? Write it! The weird recurring dreams in which you are both a baby and a Tudor prince? Start a dream journal and/or call a therapist! Actually, in general, call a therapist. That is just always good advice.

Leo

What’s good, mon coeur? No, seriously, I need someone to tell me what’s good because I just listened to way too many news podcasts, and I could really use some lists of things that are good so hmu in the comments if you have a cute cat or baby or, like, you made a great pasta. I’ll take anything.

Here’s my list of things that are good rn: your fortune! Also air conditioning, popsicles, songbirds, and tiny versions of things that are still functional. Back to you! The sun in Taurus lights up the sector of your chart that rules your fortune. This is an encouraging energy that will push you to align your choices with your innermost dreams and goals.

You also have a full moon in Scorpio coming your way on the 7th. This will be an emotional peak this month, and around this time, you may feel that weird pressure in the back of your eyes like you’re going to start crying at any moment. My professional advice is to go ahead and get those tears pumping at full capacity. If I were you, I would watch a playlist on YouTube of unlikely animal best friends, like a goat and a duckling or a li’l teacup pig and a cockatiel. If that didn’t work, I would pull out the big guns and listen to “A Seat at the Table” by Solange while I looked at pictures of myself as a child. What I’m saying is that you have a lot of options.

When the new moon in Gemini comes to town on the 22nd, you will be revived by the chatty, flirty Gemini energy. This is perfect timing, as you’ll be freshly cleansed from your period of ugly-cries and maybe an ego-death. All signs point to you finishing out the month like a newborn lamb with a tiny (but functional) bell around your li’l lamb neck, ready to be adored as you lightly bound across the pastures of your social life.

Virgo

Hey there, Virgirino, fancy seeing you here—and by “seeing you” I mean visualizing a crowd of many-gendered maidens with label-makers sharing pointers on how to effectively label the jars of preserved tomatoes and jams and things to prepare for the new world order. I’m not saying that all Virgos are preppers (#notallvirgos). I’m just saying that many of you Virgos would likely be very good at doomsday prepping, if you and your Virgo-kin were so inclined. Also, if you get rid of the hyphen the word “Virgokin” sounds like the name of a German electric car company, doesn’t it!? Oh man, Virgo, we have fun. Speaking of fun, Tarus season is here, and she brings you good tidings. The Taurus sun shines in the sector of your chart that rules learning. Think of all the things out there that would be so fun to learn! Some possible topics that might appeal to the Virgos out there: tying knots, non-alphabetic languages, French sauce techniques, and candlemaking.

When the new moon arrives in Gemini on the 22nd, you will enter a new cycle in your vocation and in your public persona. Again, I’m not saying that all Virgos are or should be doomsday preppers, but I am saying that if you learned how to tie some good knots and make some bomb candles, there might be a thirsty market for that kind of content and the new moon would be a great time to launch your new career as a tastemaker in that cultural enclave. Think about it. Let me know.

Libra

Hello Libra, it is I, your fellow Libra, writing this dispatch to you in the fetal position while wearing the same WFH shirtdress I have been wearing for days. And, when I say “shirt dress” I want you to know that I am using the term “dress” very loosely. In fact, tunic might be more appropriate. Fine, what I’m saying is that I am not wearing pants and I am sad. How about you? The stars say that many of us Libras are in the same, stained, pantsless boat right now.

No, it’s not just the global pandemic, PMS, and weeks of eating boxed macaroni and cheese for dinner that’s getting us down, it is also the Taurus sun illuminating the sector of our chart that deals with transformation. Perhaps you are a highly evolved sunofagun that takes transformation on the chin and asks for more. Or perhaps you respond to the transformation urge by acting like a sleepy toddler that knows they need to take a nap but will fight with their life to continue having a tantrum and stave off the inevitable oblivion of sleep. Honestly toddlers resisting nap time is the energy that our elected officials need to have in their advocacy for our basic human rights and universal access to affordable healthcare. But I digress.

This transformation will hit us Libras in the deep, challenging parts of our hearts. We’re talking love, shared resources, and grief. Luckily, Taurus is an earth sign and the prince of grounding energy and nourishing. This will give us a stable foundation upon which to hurl our weeping bodies. Sorry baby, transformation comes for all of us and this is our time. The good news is, on the other side of Taurus season lies the self we are becoming, and that bitch looks great. The Sun in Gemini on the 22nd will find Future Us glowing and attracting all kinds of new opportunities. So buckle down and meet me in June, you got this.

Scorpio

O, my long lost Scorpling, how I have missed you. I have a growing stack of odes written in praise of your dark and sexy depths and if I wasn’t busy delivering astrological guidance I would spend this whole horoscope comparing the first blooms of Spring to the terrifying set of “lateral eyes” that Scorpions apparently have along their bodies ( some species even have photosensitive “eyes” on their scary little tails) and O! how I love each one! But, there is pressing astrology business to attend to and I am, as you know, a professional.

The big theme of Taurus season for you is relationships, specifically the way you are communicating with your special so-and-sos. Scorpios are known to have a bit of a suspicious streak, or a tendency to spin a narrative wherein their worst fears are true. This energy might be amplified this month so be sure to make a special effort to extend grace to your partners and ask the questions that you are afraid to hear the answers to.
When the new moon in Gemini comes to town on the 22nd, you will be moved toward a light and easy version of yourself. This is good news for those who are languishing on the infamous Scorpio shitlist. If you have it in your heart to bury a hatchet or two, this is the time to do it. I promise you will feel lighter and more ready to embrace all the good things coming your way.

Sagittarius

Sag, don’t you hate it when snacks are labeled “guilt-free” like, as if guilt is some hidden evil ingredient in all yummy things that you can expunge by way of air-frying or stevia? As if indulgence necessitated guilt! You know who is totally anti-guilt when it comes to indulgence? Taurus. That’s right baby you know what time it is! Taurus season, known around town as full fat ice cream season, is in full swing and this cosmic energy asks you to take some time to find out what truly makes you feel cared for and nourished. I am not saying that we should all grant ourselves carte blanche to engage in a wild tailspin of hedonistic delights, although I am also not not saying that. But consider what activities or objects make your body feel really good in a sustainable way. The full moon in Scorpio on the 7th encourages you to do the kind of soul-searching that will help you figure out what this looks like for you right now.

On May 20th Gemini season sweeps into the room and brings with it a flirtatious je ne sais quoi that will make your relationships sparkle. Like, the new moon in Gemini on the 22nd is the new moon equivalent of an excellent body glitter, dusting everything with a previously unrealized lustre. So spend the full moon going deep to find out what gives you joy and trust that by the end of the month you will feel renewed and ready to get your flirt on.

Capricorn

Taurus season has you vibrating at a whole new frequency, my friend. Like, have you burned toast recently and swore that you could see a portrait of Leslie Knope smiling defiantly up at you from the charred surface of your bread? Have you been having vivid dreams that compel you to jump out of the bed in the morning and begin sketching vistas and still lifes? Have you been making your bed in an extra skillful manner? Your creative mind is working on overdrive this month as the sun in Taurus illuminates the sector of your chart that rules fun and creativity.

Now, if you haven’t been feeling a harmonic resonance with the divine source that animates us all, that is totally understandable. When our minds are taxed by stress, we tend to lose the bandwidth required to be inspired. Spend this month using your infamous Capricorn-style focus and problem solving to take stock of the things that drain your energy and see what you can do about insulating yourself from these forces. If you spend Taurus season clearing out all the unnecessary stuff in your emotional and professional life, the new moon in Gemini on the 22nd will be especially rewarding. This will be the optimal time to make fresh choices and launch creative projects that have been percolating in all that proverbial space you made. What a perfect set up! Yay for stars! Yay for growth! Yay for ruthlessly blocking the numbers of people you actually never want to hear from again!

Aquarius

Aquarius you wonderful water-carrying, ever-generous, benevolent alien wearing a human suit, I am here to say, Good job buddy. Do you feel the sensation of someone approvingly patting you on the back? Nope, that’s not a ghost! It’s me! Which, to be fair, you can not be one hundred percent sure that I am not a ghost, haunting a laptop somewhere and just tapping out messages from the stars to goad you onward toward your destiny, but hey! That’s just the uncertainty of the digital age, amiright?

So speaking of consciousnesses occupying your home, the sun in Taurus is illuminating the sector of your chart that rules home and family, making this an excellent time to lean into the terrestrial comforts the world has to offer us. Many of us are separated from our families right now and longing to be closer to them. Many of us are spending more time with our families than ever and struggling to cope with the sudden overexposure. Take this Taurus energy as an invitation to step back and consider how you might make your home feel more comforting and how to make your relationships with your family more harmonious, no matter whether you’re sharing one bathroom and haven’t beaten everyone else to the hot water in days, or if you would trade a week of hot showers for a hug from your Aunt who always smells like peanut brittle.

The new moon in Gemini will arrive just in time on the 22nd to mark the beginning of a new golden era of creativity for you. This doesn’t just mean painting watercolor portraits of your cat in a variety of snazzy outfits and tropical locales. It could also mean getting creative about the way you connect with others. It could mean holding hands like two lil cupped paws rather than laced fingers style, or it could mean a little roleplay in the sext thread. Whatever it is, give yourself permission to dive down that rabbit hole for a while and take stock of how vast your creative potential is.

Pisces

Oh Pisces, you dreamy gift from another realm, what a month you have ahead of you. The sun in Taurus is supercharging the sector of your chart that deals with all things communication. This is a season where you will feel compelled to express yourself and reconnect with people on the more peripheral reaches of your social circle. The full moon in Scorpio on the 7th is another striking presence in the forecast for your month. Scorpio is the sign of secrets and transformation and the full moon is always an emotional time that signals the completion of a given cycle or era. Trust your Piscean intuition and let it guide you toward the area of your life most in need of some closure.

Many Pisces have an aversion to conflict, which is totally understandable as they are notoriously empathetic. A Pisces is the sign most likely to come to a confrontation, well prepared by their therapist and best friends, with a written out opening salvo full of I statements, and also to start crying within the time it takes to utter the first sentence. This isn’t a weakness, the compassion you bring, even to the relationships that you have conflict in, has the capacity to heal and traverse the walls people put up to protect themselves. The new moon in Gemini on the 22nd will help clear the air and you will start to see the payoff of the difficult transformational work you’ve been doing all month. In the meantime, take really extra good care of yourself and try and notice when your intuition is speaking to you, or when your inner critic is shouting into your temporal lobe and generally just being a dick. Give the intuition a cookie, give your inner critic a one-way ticket to shut up town.

Aries

Greetings you grab-life-by-the-horns, never take no for an answer, front of the pack phenomenon! Taurus season will present you with exciting opportunities for growth, if you’re willing to shake up the status quo in your life and inquire more deeply into your motivations. Case and point: the full moon in transformational, mysterious Scorpio on the 7th. Full moons are always energetically oriented towards a fulfillment of a cycle and to emotional release. A full moon in the highly emotional sign of Scorpio, will amplify this equation. Aries tend to run hot. Anyone who knows anything knows that crossing an Aries is the quickest and most efficient way to ruin your life. That said, there are likely a few people on your shit list that you miss, even though you’ve been telling everybody that they’re dead to you.

The stars suggest that this is the perfect time to release some anger and or bury some hatchets. Train your sights on a relationship in which a secret has festered, maybe there is something you haven’t told them, maybe they spilled the beans about a secret you trusted them with.

This generous act will prime your spiritual pumps (which organ would be your spiritual pump if there was a spiritual pump organ? I think that that’s probably what the appendix is actually for ) for the new moon in Gemini on the 22nd. Gemini energy is light, fun, and craves connection. So hurry up and get your forgiveness and mercy renovation on because you’re gonna need that software updated, 2.0 refurbished spiritual infrastructure to embrace all the new love coming into your life.

Illustration by Olivia Healy.

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