Astrology can’t predict our futures: If it could, surely there would have been some warning written into the movement of the stars, letting us know how much could change from one month to the next. When you come to commune with me here on planet Man Repeller, I don’t think of us as being in the future-prediction business. I believe, in fact, that we are in the business of creation. Astrology functions as a kind of reflecting pool. When we peer into this reflecting pool together, we give ourselves a space to play, to tell each other generative stories about who we are and who we want to become. Every time we read a horoscope and say “Oh yeah, that’s spot on–classic me!” or “Ugh that is so not me,” we are triangulating what we believe about ourselves. That kind of self-knowledge is incredibly valuable at such an unstable time.
I offer this month’s, and every month’s, horoscopes to you as a tool I hope can be useful and delightful. Imagine that I am holding out a small wooden whistle that I carved, just for you, in my outstretched paws. I say: Please accept this humble gift from the bottom of my wee heart. I can’t offer you the answers to the questions we all want answered right now. I don’t know the way forward, and honestly, neither does Pluto.
Without further ado, my fellow mammals striving to find meaning and maybe even brief glimmers of joy in the anthropocene, let us get weird.
Happy birthday season, you perfect fire ram!
I know, I know—it’s a hard time to have a birthday. For many signs, just the thought of mustering an elaborately themed virtual birthday party would be exhausting. But I believe that you, Aries, can pull it off. You and your fellow rams have an unparalleled energetic disposition. It may seem frivolous to apply that energy to something like a whimsical fete, but hear me out: The full moon in Libra on the 7th urges all of us to think about our relationships, and for you, this means turning to your IRL social network as a source of levity and light during the dark days. As the moon wanes and you continue to apply your energy to keeping your personal connections fresh and uplifting, you may feel a newfound sense of confidence and security, surrounded (even virtually) by the people you care about and who care about you. When the new moon in Taurus arrives on the 22nd, take a big deep breath and allow yourself a period of reflection. Take stock of how this month has been lived in your body, and then lay that body down in a warm bath. I’ll be here when you get out <3
Taurus, you celestially cherished, spiritually fortified, sexy-never-left lookin ass bovine, I want to start off by directing your attention to one of my fave qualities about you.
Y’all are notorious for being what some people might call set in your ways, but other people might just say you know what you like. I am among the second set of people, who believe that you just know what tf you like. Secondly, I would like to direct your attention to the full moon in Libra on the 7th. Full moons signal the completion or fulfilment of a cycle, and this full moon in Libra is all about letting go of some stale habits in your relationships. This period of economic anxiety and social distance and just general large-scale grief has transformed the way that we express and receive love; it has challenged our boundaries and our communication styles. Take some time around the full moon to consider which parts of your communication style have maybe been on autopilot for a while. Try and make yourself aware of the aspects of your life that you can let go of before entering into this next phase.
On the 19th, it’s Taurus time, baby! By the time the new moon arrives in your sign on the 22nd, you will have entered a fresh period of self-knowledge and refined intimacy. Under the cover of the new moon, indulge in some highly personal pleasure adventures. Think of something that gives you pleasure and think about how you might stretch out that pleasure, or amplify it. For example, let’s say you’re really leaning into your 10 p.m. comfort waffles, which you normally eat with some Log Cabin syrup and some Earth Balance. Think about how much more decadent you could be, Taurus! Waffles are an amazing base food. There is a world full of waffle innovations— Monte Cristo waffle sandwiches, cinnamon roll waffles, chicken and waffles nachos!!! In fact, this horoscope is now primarily waffle erotica, but you get what I’m saying, right? Taurus, please stay knowing exactly what you like. Also, harness the lunar energy this month to let go of whatever doesn’t serve you, so that you can make room for bigger and better things (like waffles).
Oh, Gemini, what a challenging time to be the astrological equivalent of a fireworks show.
Without credit, against the onslaught of constant internet shade, Geminis have been out here, keeping parties interesting, keeping their followers thirsty, and generally being fascinating as heck. First of all, I want to thank you for joining me here in the horoscopes, as I assume that many of you are making yourselves busy with a variety of virtual linkups. My favorite Gemini recently invited me to a Zoom dance party, but it was 9 p.m., and I was already deep in my nightly ritual of eating a pound of noodles and waiting for the darkness of sleep to take me.
Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the astrological communicator—and during this challenging time, it’s especially important for the world’s Geminati to continue to fill up their spiritual gas tanks and find ways to grace us with their sparkle, even at a distance. This will never be more evident in April than on the 7th. With a full moon in Libra, we’re all going to turn our attention to the relationships in our lives. Your strength for communicating and building connection can sometimes result in carrying more than your share of effort, in terms of relationship maintenance. Are there any relationships in your life where you feel that you’re doing the heavy lifting? As generously as possible, consider asking for more support. If there’s someone in your life who is on some bullshit, consider this horoscope your permission to gracefully, compassionately choose to get some space from that person. The new moon in Taurus on the 22nd marks an opportunity for a new beginning. The earthy energy of Taurus will encourage you to ask yourself questions that you may have been moving too fast to consider back in the before-times. Why do you want what you want? What makes all of the effort worth it? The support you receive from your loved ones–along with the space you’ve made around the full moon–will set you up to receive the answers to those questions with fortitude.
Cancers know how to nest.
If, a few months ago, you had given a Cancer an enchanted bottle full of wish-granting genies or witches or whatever, the Cancers may have actually wished for the opportunity to spend an indeterminate amount of time holed up in their own damn house. Unfortunately, if you’ve ever watched a movie, then you know that that is the trouble with magical creatures who offer you stuff–it really all comes down to context! Although many Cancers are inclined toward staying at home, social isolation is not the same as taking a cozy self-care staycation, in spite of what many of the life-optimizing seize-the-moment-type articles circulating right now would have you believe. This can lead to domestic strife and tension, which cuts to the Cancerian quick because of how much y’all love a peaceful home. The full moon in Libra on the 7th will draw your attention toward the balance, or imbalance, in your life, especially in terms of your relationships. Libra’s intellectual, airy influence can offer you a productive counterpoint to the deeply feeling water in your chart. See if you can lay out some practical, pragmatic ways that you can ask for support in your relationships. Try and take the risk of putting yourself out there, or asking for something that you are afraid you won’t receive. Then feel your heart grow two sizes when your family and friends rise to the occasion.
The new moon in Taurus on the 22nd is a chance for a new beginning, specifically in the world of sensuality and embodied experience. This presents an excellent opportunity to take up a new self-care practice that you’ve been curious about but haven’t tried for whatever reason. Maybe it seemed frivolous or embarrassing, but whatever–it’s apocalyptic as heck out there now, so why not try to learn hula from YouTube tutorials? No one is watching! No one cares! Let those two phrases be your mantra as you plumb the depths of buried impulses and find something silly and sweet that feels good in your body. Every time you hear a negative thought or self-judgement, just repeat after me: No one is watching! Nobody is okay right now! No one cares if I look like one of those inflatable noodle guys in front of car dealerships when I dance!
Take these and call me in the morning, Cancer.
A little known fact about Leos is that they come out of the womb with jazz hands.
Instead of crying, they hit one Mariah-Carey-style-Champagne-glass-shattering vocal run before asking someone to wipe them down. It’s true. I don’t make the rules. If you have a problem with it, ask science. Leos are born to be adored, and it’s generally not without cause, because generally y’all are incredibly charismatic. But if a tree falls in the forest with no one around to hear it, does it make a sound? Or in your case: Take our Leo, fantastically dressed, learning the ukulele, alone in their apartment. If there’s no one around to applaud their pared-down rendition of “Skinny Love”, does anything even matter anymore!?
The answer is yes, Leo. The full moon on the 7th signals the end of a cycle, and with that moon filling out in Libra—a sign that’s all about harmony and relationships—you already know we’re going to be doing some work on how we relate to other people. This brings me to the point, Leo. The social distance and isolation that most of us are experiencing has thrown a lot of people into a crisis of identity, a crisis of affirmation. When we’re cut off from the normal sources of external validation, we must get more intimate with ourselves. Can I get an amen? (I heard you.) This means that you need to channel Libra’s harmonious relationship energy as you examine how you may have been giving away your power to define and affirm yourself.
This will most likely be a bumpy journey of discovery, you Calabrian chilli pepper of a human being! Happily, the full moon in Taurus arrives on the 22nd, and God bless it. We will all be grateful for Taurean preference for slow, steady, pleasure-based activities. If the full moon asked you to move past aspects of your relationship with yourself that no longer served you, then the new moon in Taurus on the 22nd will ask you to implement and anoint your new relationship with yourself. Yes, Leo–of course I’m talking about sex stuff. So many of us are afraid to become deeply intimate with ourselves. Many of us are afraid that whatever is down there in the murk of our heart is bad or shameful or wrong. Don’t be afraid of seeing yourself, Leo, because I promise that whatever you discover down there is worthy of your love and attention. Scout’s honor.
Hey there Virgirino, how are you doing these days?
What are you eating? Intuitively I feel like Virgos are devoted to overnight oats. They are the perfect Virgo food: cost effective, time efficient, delicious, and how satisfying is it to look at perfectly lined-up jars of overnight oat varieties? Come to think of it, overnight oats are actually a perfect metaphor for one of Virgo’s big-time strengths: prudence. That’s right! Prudence is not just a name for Victorian ghosts and hot witches on the Sabrina reboot, folks! At your fullest Virgoan potential, you achieve your goals by visualizing the future you want for yourself–and then by making careful choices everyday toward that future.
Virgos delight in control, order, and making sure everything goes according to plan. We need these qualities right now. Even if you don’t feel like you’re embodying your highest Virgo lifestate, you can have a stabilizing influence on the people in your life. Feeling out of control is challenging for everyone, and it can bring out sides of people that would normally stay tucked away. That’s why the full moon in Libra on April 7th will illuminate the many irksome ways that love and friendship do not always conform to our expectations. Take this as an opportunity to practice acceptance, because denial and repression do not yield sustainable futures–only a clear-eyed, hands-in-the-dirt understanding of reality can bring about a future built on solid ground. Acknowledge your chaotic side and acknowledge it in others, while also asking yourself what kind of structure would make you feel more comfortable. So many of us are aching for regularity, for something to depend on, and maybe this looks like scheduling a recurring check-in with a loved one instead of random one-offs. Maybe this looks like having virtual coffee every morning with your mom or your best friend. By the time the new moon in Taurus arrives on the 22nd, you’ll have more space for the inevitable chaos of the world, balanced by the comfort of stability and routine in your relationships. You deserve to have needs, Virgo, and you deserve to have those needs met.
Libra, you astral aesthete, how have you been spending your indoor days?
I am betting that there have been some days when you might have felt moved to try and perfect a gazpacho recipe and rearrange the living room. Perhaps there have also been days spent primarily in the fetal position, letting your eyes glaze over while Bob’s Burgers plays on an endless loop. Lucky for you, one of the most important strengths attributed to Librans is your ability to see what needs to be changed in order to bring a situation back into balance. We’re living through a time when many of us are swinging wildly from one extreme to another. It’s like we’ve hit a patch of black ice on the highway, and many of us are overcorrecting and swerving into a tailspin. We must resist the totally understandable urge to overcorrect–and instead we must do whatever it is that dads and tow-truck guys have told me to do in that scenario that I can’t recall but hey! I’m not perfect and I’m not driving anywhere these days anyway! Take that, black ice! Anyway!
On the 7th, we get a full moon in your sign. This is a moment when your Libran powers for discernment, balance, and beauty will be amplified and best put to use in your relationships and the domestic sphere. You have the opportunity to reflect on areas of excess in your life and consider how elements of your relationships or your home life might be adjusted to support equilibrium. This is especially important because the new moon in Taurus on the 22nd will likely encourage you to indulge— a proposition to which any Libra is immediately like bitch, say less. But! Armed with your full-moon energy from the beginning of the month, you will have the discernment and grace to indulge wisely, rather than maxing out your credit card on luxury candles and sumptuous house slippers. A lack of moderation often comes from a deep-seated belief in scarcity–like, if I don’t eat the entire tub of ice cream I’ll be a sucker because I’ll never get to have ice cream ever again after tonight. Libra, ice cream isn’t going anywhere. There is more abundance in our lives than any of us manage to comprehend, trust.
Precious Scorpling, what have you been dreaming about?
Seriously, I want to know. Hit me with dream descriptions in the comments. I want to make a compendium of things that happen in Scorpios’ dreams because I have always imagined that it’s like a club scene from Queen of the Damned, and I just have a bit more time on my hands these days to dig in and do some research. Now, I am not only interested in your dreams, so as to dispel or confirm my stereotype that all Scorpios have freaky-sexy subconsious lives. I also bring up your dreams to draw your attention to one of the strengths associated with your sign. Scorpio is known for emotional depth and bravery, two necessary traits when we try to interact with the shadowy parts of ourselves, which are expressed in dreams, sex, and intuitive practice. With the full moon on the 7th in Libra, a sign that is all about relationships, you will have the opportunity to lean into the deep well of your emotional intelligence and ask yourself if you are holding onto grudges that stand in the way of intimacy. Like, the world is in chaos and tragedy is everywhere–do you really need to continue cold-shouldering that person who you actually really like but felt slighted by a few months ago and haven’t hit up since? Now is the time to dig deep and bravely examine that running list of People I No Longer Fuck With, which I imagine Scorpios recite like Arya Stark did her kill list. (Wow I just Googled it and, as a matter of fact, Arya Stark is a Scorpio. Congratulations.) When the new moon arrives in Taurus on the 22nd, maybe you’ll have rekindled the platonic or erotic flame with a previously counted-out person. If so, take Taurus’s sensual lead and have a candlelit, socially distanced dinner to celebrate the reunion. If you ever feel misunderstood, Scorp, just know that your depth and passion are necessary, beautiful aspects of who you are, and your complexity doesn’t make you any less deserving of generosity, patience, and love.
Seeing a Sagittarius out of sorts breaks my heart.
It’s like if that Nickelodeon show where people got slimed was back on the air–only instead of celebrities and eager youths, it was, like, plump and unsuspecting housecats getting slimed, they would have no idea why they were suddenly gooey and no coping strategies! You see, Sags are the camp counselors of the zodiac, but even Sags are getting slimed by the weight of the world right now–especially if they are cooped up indoors and unable to go adventuring. This can be especially hard if the people in your life have come to rely on your indomitable optimism and your proclivity for starting impromptu wrestling matches. Think of a social distance wrestling match: It would be like watching a mime show with way more Spandex and glitter, which, honestly, is the feedback I have been giving mimes for years–like, c’mon mimes!! But now is not the time to demand more of mime aesthetics, nor is it the time to demand super-high energy positivity from yourself, no matter what other people want from you. When the full moon in Libra arrives on the 7th and your attention turns toward the relationships in your life, it might be time to lean away from your posi-leader of the pack vibes and lean into your signature Sagittarian independence. Think about who you need to be for yourself right now, and keep that in the foreground. Having a full moon social media break could do wonders for you. Take that self-focused energy and spend this month tuning into what you need throughout the waning cycle of the moon. If you guard your energy in this way, the new moon in Taurus on the 22nd will be a powerful boost to your confidence and sense of self. Beneath your surface, Sag, you are a deep well of warm, generous care. No matter how dark or heavy your heart might feel right now, know that your true identity, your true home, is that warm generous love, which is always just a deep breath away.
When I think of Capricorns, I think of Michelle Obama.
I also think of Michelle Obama when I am doing push-ups, and when I am considering my ideal romantic partners. (I’m not saying Barack hasn’t done right by you, Michelle, I’m just saying that if you’re ever looking for something on the side, I’m right here.) Now, Michelle Obama’s excellent biceps are the embodiment of Capricorn’s signature persistence and notorious discipline. During times such as these, when so many of the avenues for demonstrating your ambition and your dogged persistence are thrown out of whack, all my Caps out there might be feeling pent-up and frustrated. On the 7th, the full moon in Libra, the sign of relationships, offers an opportunity to channel some of that energy in ways that might have been neglected in the before-times. This is the perfect moment to reflect on the ways that your achievement-focused mindset has impacted your ability to show up for loved ones, or to take solace and comfort from those closest to you. Here’s the catch: You are not allowed to be hard on yourself about it. Right now, you are only allowed to take stock of the past in order to learn about what you need right now and in the future. The Libran energy of the moon encourages you to resituate relationships as an area in your life where you can derive satisfaction, affirmation, and meaning. If you’re feeling the itch to strive for greatness right now, strive for being a great friend, a great partner, a great parent. Take the new moon in Taurus on the 22nd as an invitation to run a bath, put your feet up, and celebrate the love you’re cultivating in your life because you are fundamentally, inherently worthy and loveable, and none of the outside world’s accolades or lack thereof will ever alter that truth.
Aquarius, you tender-hearted alien, how have you been holding up?
Have you been finding ways to occupy your busy mind? Hopefully you have been occupying yourself with things that bring Aquarians joy–like arranging Hubble satellite images into a calming slideshow (theme: the smallness of our planet’s strife on the galactic scale). One of Aquarius’ greatest strengths is the humanitarian impulse, and right now, many of you may feel utterly bereft about the state of the world. That is, of course, an entirely reasonable feeling, but it is not necessarily a livable place for the duration of this crisis. The full moon in Libra on the 7th encourages you to scale down your concern for the whole world and focus on the people closest to you, where you can have the most impact. One of your strengths is your independence, but right now we need each other more than ever–and there are surely people on your contacts list who sincerely want to hear about the latest developments in whatever esoteric field ranks as your current obsession. You will be glad that you pulled your attention away from lofty and abstract places (read: your favorite places) when the new moon in Taurus arrives on the 22nd and insists on a new beginning w/r/t your self care. Aquarians can be so wrapped up in their inner world that they would easily win the “most likely to forget they have a body” award on a zodiac yearbook’s superlatives page. If you spend this month connecting with other humans, even virtually, you will likely be more grounded and more inclined to apply your curiosity to self care. What would feel so, so deliciously good to you right now? That is the question the new moon will ask of you. The answer might be caramel sauce, or some risque sex stuff that you want to try by yourself or with a human that shares your home. Whatever it is, luxuriate in it, because you are a really good person and you deserve it.
Welcome to Aries season, Pisces, you interdimensional transcorporeal son-of-a-gun!
How many times have you been told to meditate in the last two weeks? If you’re anything like my friends, family, or the random neighborhood man I lectured at a safe distance while he was watering his plants, then you’ve been hearing it a lot. As a yoga teacher and translator of celestial goings-on, I am compelled to tell people to meditate like an evangelical Christian or a brand-new vegan is compelled to share their own personal salvations. That said, I think there are times in our lives when the advice to be still and meditate can feel like someone saying “You know, if you stopped worrying so much you’d be a lot happier.” Which is, like, good advice, I guess? But also annoying and unhelpful.
What I’m saying is that your Piscean strengths are emotional and spiritual, but sometimes even the Professor Trelawneys of the world (is that a Harry Potter deep cut or common pop culture reference these days? I don’t know, I don’t care, what is time, etc.) might find it difficult to cut through the world’s noise and locate some inner silence. Lucky for you, the full moon in Libra on the 7th will illuminate your sensitive heart and encourage you to connect with yourself through connecting with others. Yes, I am talking about virtual eye-gazing sessions. I haven’t tried it myself, and the way it’s playing out in my head is a little creepy, but I think you might be into it. If you have another human in your home, you can do it IRL. If eye gazing isn’t your jam, then maybe just sitting in silent meditation with one of your mystic friends (I’m sure you have a homie charging up her crystals as I type) On the 22nd, when the new moon in Taurus casts the world into a darkness that signals new beginnings and new opportunities, nurture the budding intimacy with yourself by trying your hand at creating something. Even if you’ve been in a slump, just take out the colored pencils and start scribbling. Draw the outfit that you’ll wear the next time events are a thing. Color an entire page black and feel like a statement-making goth Rothko (omg, Gothko!!! That’s my new artist moniker no stealsies!). Whatever you are moved to do or make this month, Pisces, trust that your inner world is valuable and worthy of expression. You are not too much, you are not excessive, your inspiration transcends you, and all you have to do is let it move through you.
Illustration by Olivia Healy.