February Horoscope
Your February Horoscope Is Here and It Knows Why January Kinda Sucked

Gather ‘round starchildren, lend me your ears! Yes! I insist that you take off that beanie that has been disguising your greaseball roots for the last month, or at least roll it up above your ears in the style of Daniel Day Lewis, Man Repeller’s own Haley Nahman, and unfurled condoms perched atop bananas in middle school auditoriums across this country! It is the beginning of another astrological cycle, and we must take this opportunity to align our internal weather with the cosmos.

Now, if you’re all like: Okay Sar, the world is in peril and I don’t want to read about Mercury’s transit into Pisces (which will happen on the 3rd btw). I just need some escapism. I just need you to describe the astrological situation this month in inappropriately vague metaphors. I would set off a colored smoke bomb and paint you the following picture:

Imagine an afterhours tango club. It is intimate with a small dance floor, hardwood, parquet. The lighting is soft, rosy, uncontrived. It is probably Buenos Aires and it is 2 a.m. The air is steamy with the breath of the dancers, someone is smoking a clove cigarette nearby. The floor is packed with couples lost in their own world, draped across one another, gliding and strutting, dancing the tango as if their lives depended on the messages their bodies communicated in every step…

Get it? The dance floor is the cosmos! The planets are tangoing! The vibe is lush and highly emotive and undeniably sexy! That’s what February is going to be like!

Now, I’m sure many of you can just quit reading now, as everything you need to know is contained within that image. But! If your appetite is whetted for more scenic astrological fodder, read on for more specific and less vague metaphor-based guidance on how to best join the astrological tango that February has in store for us all.


Aquarius

Pop quiz: People born under which zodiac sign are most likely to be benevolent ether-based alien lifeforms masquerading as humans? Answer: You already know it’s all you Aquarius babies out there. Sorry to blow your cover yall, but it is Aquarius season. Happy birthday!!! Don’t you agree that it is time the world understood what kind of highly evolved weirdo blessings your energy brings to the earth? Aquarius is the sign of the avant-garde, the high tech, and the philanthropic concern for humankind, but sometimes yall can come off a little cold to us simple carbon-based life forms.

In January, you were working on opening up a little more and with Mercury slipping into emotional Pisces on February 3rd, the stars are urging you to continue this emotional dilation (that’s right kids, dilation isn’t just for cervixes anymore!). But speaking of cervixes and their related territories, Venus steps into the light of fiery Aries on the 7th. This is the time to take a chosen guest to the boudoir, or to invest in some bath bombs and an excellent waterproof vibrator/ nether-region toy of your choice.

Now, on the 16th we have another Mercury retrograde, which honestly might be a little annoying. This will most likely impact the career centers of your chart and cause a kind of weird stagnation. So set double alarms on our phone to wake you up on time, make sure you confirm any restaurant or hotel reservations you make, and try not to over exert yourself. The good news is on the 18th we cruise into Pisces season and you should feel a major boost in your creative brain-juices. I’m talking like a convenience store slurpee machine, perpetual motion juice churning going on in that noggin of yours. Make sure to jot down your thoughts and maybe start keeping a dream journal. Sound good? That’s all for now, I will miss you, come back soon.

Pisces

Hello there you sensitive and generous fishspirit! According to the stars, you’ve been going through a period of introspection, especially in your romantic life. I hope that you have been working hard to listen to your intuition and be decisive about who and what you need in your life. If not, don’t worry! The universe has plotted further trying emotional tribulations for you to overcome heroically this month! Mercury enters your sign on the third, amplifying your characteristic difficulty making tough decisions, especially when it comes to your love life. The advice here is not to just jump to conclusions or make snap decisions. You are going to pass this astrological test with flying colors if you slow down and let the information flow in its own time.Think of yourself as a lovable hamster (like a teddy bear hamster! They are the sweetest and puffiest of their kind and if you haven’t seen one let me just tell you that um, “my friend” first encountered a teddy bear hamster in a pet store when she was a teenager high af on some dank edibles and maybe “my friend” might have stolen the hamster because it was so loveable. Like just picked it up and put it in her jacket. She is sorry, but also, she stands by the impulse.) Okay so you are this beautiful perfect rodent, and the water bottle in your cage is filled with intuition juice, and you are thirsty and want it all right now, but you just have to suckle little drops one at a time and trust that your thirst will be quenched. That is what February will be like w/r/t figuring out the best course of romantic action.

Okay, now watch out around the 16th! We got a Mercury retrograde going on right around then, and for you, this could mean a romantic partner from the past or a friend you have cut ties with might resurface. From a celestial standpoint, it would probably be a good idea to steer clear of this visitation, or at least cool your jets until Mercury goes direct in March. I’m proud of you. Good day.

Aries

Oh Aries, what a month you’ve had. The stars suggest that you spent the latter half of January negotiating the difficulty between having patience for the people you have intimate partnerships with and your notoriously fiery and passionate nature that can put people off at times. But when Mercury enters Pisces on the 3rd, you will have the counterbalancing support of Pisces tender, slow energy to soften the impact of your intense communication style. This could be an opportune time to try to circle back to a difficult conversation you had in January with a renewed softness. When Venus slides into your sign on the 7th, you will have a window to synthesize all the emotional growth you’ve been doing into a weekend of indulgent sensual pleasure.

Mars is going to enter Capricorn on the same day Mercury goes retrograde. This is a very contradictory celestial stew. You’ve got the go-go-go energy of Mars in the all-business sign of Capricorn AT THE SAME TIME that we have the communication planet spinning backwards and gumming up the system. So it is likely that you will have the intense urge to make progress in your professional life while simultaneously missing the train and accidentally sending your boss a series of photos of arctic foxes insisting that she play “Hot or Not” with you which is offensive because they are obviously all “hot” and to call a wee arctic fox a “not” is so offensive that if I were your boss I might consider it a fireable offence! So, my advice here is just to double check all recipients of all your electronic communications, give yourself extra time for your commute, and stop defaming such perfect, big-eared fox angels!

Taurus

Taurus, you irresistible starbull, in January your milkshake was attracting many suitors to your proverbial yard. And yet, the crowd gathered beneath your window, brandishing straws, could not stir your passions. The stars spent all last month insisting that you take a closer look at your relationships and use your highly developed talents for discernment. For many Tauri, this discernment led to emotional distance in your relationships and a healthy serving of solitude. This is ultimately a good thing, for your career, for your inner life, for your proverbial milkshake and proverbial yard (both your milkshake and your yard here being a broad metaphor that I invite you to plug your own resonant meaning into). In February, you got a whole other thing going on emotionally, socially, and professionally. When Mercury, the planet that rules communication, moves into Pisces on the 3rd, your ability to speak clearly and creatively about what you want will bloom like a gorgeous peony, gracefully unfurling itself. Pisces is all about sensitive, emotional, and intuitive communication, hence the image of the unfurling peony, which I will forever assert is the most sensitive, emotional, and intuitive flower (I say this as if this is a hot take but really no one has ever tried to fight me on it, so in fact it might actually be the opposite of a hot take). This is a good time to return to some relationships that you have been away from for a while and reassess whether your needs can be met.

There is so much more, my friend! We have a full moon in Leo on the 9th. Full moons are the celestial time of manifestations, and with your innately decisive energy and the fire sign influence of Leo, this is a time where you may see the returns on all the self-investment you’ve been doing. When the new moon in Pisces on the 23rd comes around, it will be time for you to go back into your cozy reading nook, shut the windows, and tune into your intuition to start laying out your big spring plans. I am so excited for you! And your milkshake.

Gemini

Gemini, we are so lucky that most of you have chosen to use your powers for good. If we had a world full of charming, logical, and magnetic Geminis running around the world seeking world domination— you can bet your bottom dollar the world would be dominated. When Mercury moves into Pisces on the 3rd, you get the chance to balance these qualities with the influence of the slow, dreamy Piscean energy. When the love planet, Venus, moves into Aries on the 7th, the romantic arena of your chart gets all hot and bothered. So if you are looking to lock it down with a fellow human out there in the third dimension, this is the time to make moves. If you are on the single side of things, the side where the idea of doing human sexual touching with someone sounds kind of like a hassle, this energy can be channelled into creatively making yourself feel good. Like, what about a velvet-lined sleeping bag? Is that a thing? If it is a thing, think about how good that would feel! Or, the perennial favorite, solo butt stuff! You know why you should take my advice Gemini? Because I’m a serious astrological journalist/oracle as evidenced by the fact that I could have spelled “perennial” as “perineal” and made a sick pun, but I didn’t. Because I am a professional.

Speaking of professionals, on February 16th, Mars power-stomps into Capricorn, making for a period where you are supposed to get focused on your career and really get moving on the path toward your big dream. Okay, but there is a big ol’ stinking caveat: Mercury retrograde hits on the same day. And because Mercury is your ruling planet, all the ickies of this retrograde are likely to impact you more than most. You super duper have to eliminate distractions right now and devote your energy to your priorities. Wow, what a journey! I can’t wait to hear how it goes.

Cancer

Hi Cancer!!!! Wowwww January was quite a doozy for many of us, but yall really were called to do some difficult cutting of emotional ties. As a water sign ruled by the moon, you, my dude, are deep in the watery terrain of emotions and if you had to leave some people behind coming into the new year, I really feel for you. But in February, it is time to start planting the seeds for the self that you want to grow into this year. Early this month, Mercury, the planet that rules communication, moved into Pisces, the fishking of psychic powers. This is a very auspicious alignment for you as you start planting those aforementioned self-growth seeds. You know what that means! Time to get out the ol’ vision board and start visioning.

Next, Cancer, we need to talk about your communication style. Of course each of you have your own individual methods for talking to other humans, but as an astrological group, Cancer can struggle to be straightforward about their vast emotional experience. We can do more! We can love ourselves enough to trust that our truth will not be rejected by those that we love! We can believe that if our truth is too much for someone, then we will hold our own weight and be enough for ourselves! YES CANCER, THIS IS WHAT WE ARE CLAIMING IN 2020. Oops sorry, I was using my outside voice, I get really hype about emotional bravery. Luckily, Venus the planet of love and beauty enters the firey and highly individualistic Aries on the 7th. This means that you will have the cosmic encouragement to speak bravely and openly about your feelings this month, while maintaining tact and intimacy. Just a final heads up: Mercury retrograde starts on the 16th, so if your early forays into honest communication get a little muddled, hang in there, cowboy. It will pay off in the long run.

Leo

Wow wow wow you must be frigging tuckered out from all that battling-your-inner-demons that you’ve spent the first month of the new year doing. Before we move on, let’s take a moment to congratulate you on taking steps toward getting free from the bondage of beliefs that no longer serve you and all the gunk that dims your beautiful little lion heart. In fact, do me a favor, put your paw on your screen and receive this virtual high five from me. Okay, now, moving on. The most important thing for you to focus on this month is keeping yourself nourished and happy while you continue on your journey of self-improvement…because things are about to get a little high energy. Venus moves into Aries on the 7th, which means that your already firey energy will be amplified, specifically in the realm of sex and intimacy. If you aren’t constantly checking in with yourself and making sure you have your self-soothing practices in place, there is a pretty good chance that February will turn into a weird melee/ orgy where you end up not leaving the house for a month and living off peanuts and gatorade because you’re so busy getting your freaky stuff on with a cohort of fellow fire signs.

This general rule that I am offering you—focus on soothing that fire in your belly—will apply throughout all the different astrological influences going on this month. Mars is going to enter workhorse Capricorn on the 16th, at the same time that Mercury goes retrograde. This means that you are going to be all jacked up on the fighter energy of Mars as you walk into that mind-numbing Wednesday logistics meeting, which will not end well if you are letting that energy run wild right as Mercury retrograde makes communication go all weird and icky. Take a deep breath and ride out this wave of intensity without making too many sudden moves. It is a good time to take up some strenuous and distracting activity like training for a marathon or cleaning out all the weird hoarder drawers in your house. You got this lionheart.

Virgo

Well friend, I’ll be straight with you, this month is not going to be all floaty and chill. Like, if there was a spectrum of astrological alignments where on one end is like, a bathtub of caramel and every secret crush you’ve ever had is about to send you an email confessing their long held reciprocal secret crush to like, your own pet cockatiel turns out to be a reincarnated war criminal and has been plotting your demise since day one, February will be, like, somewhere in the middle. What I mean is that, when the lover planet Venus enters fiery Aries, you can expect some confrontations with intimate partners in big or small ways. Let me give you a totally common example that does not apply to me at all. You might experience conflict in the form of a small blow-up over whether or not one should refrigerate eggs. It could also be a more challenging confrontation about things more serious and less egg-based. Hang tough, buddy, because the stars are in constant motion and this too shall pass.

Then, when Mercury goes retrograde on the 16th, you are likely to see more sticky situations from the past come up and demand your attention. You don’t need to shrink or puff up, you just need to stand your ground, hear what the other person has to say, and respond in kind. Fortunately, when the sun moves into Pisces at the end of the month, you should feel some weight start to lift. This will give you more space to start plotting your next moves. You’re going to do great, Virgo, I can feel it in my very bones.

Libra

January was a tough one for Libras. You were called by the cosmos to make some big moves toward your dreams, and that kind of forward motion is known to leave social chaos in its wake. Stepping into February might feel like waking up the day after hosting a wild party to an empty house and more dishes in the sink than you even remember owning and apparently you said something so scandalous at the party that 30 percent of the guests have cancelled you and even your cat won’t look you in the eyes. Fortunately, if you refer back to my very useful tango dance floor analogy, you’ll see that February is bringing a whole other vibe.

If January asked you to make sacrifices and pursue your ideal self with intensity and ferocity, February asks you to slow down and pamper yourself in the most sensual ways you can think of. When Venus (your ruling planet) moves into Aries on the 7th, you might find yourself ready to take an assertive lead when it comes to your sensual pleasures. Lean into this. Take all that fire that you have been feeling since January, let Aries amplify it, and then proceed calmly into the hedonistic delights of your choice. Oh and Libra, darling, that is not all! The full moon in Leo on the 9th will urge you to break out into the world and celebrate. So, basically I am suggesting a self-care bender. You will appreciate all this pampering when Mars enters work-horse Capricorn on the same day that Mercury goes retrograde. This means that the second half of the month could be very challenging in your career and social life (again, ugh, sorry). So make sure you spend the first part of the month getting your foot massage and eye-gaze on.

Scorpio

Hey Scorpling, I truly have missed you specifically and terribly. See, the stars have led many scorplings to make major changes in their closest relationships and energetically shift their attention toward their wider community relationships. Obviously this means that I, your personal astrologer and closest confidant, have not seen you in what feels like a frigging epoch—AN EPOCH. No matter, we’re back now and I have so much important star junk to tell you. Here is your star junk: Early February’s big event is the transit of communication planet Mercury into tender Pisces. This will likely be at odds with your characteristically intense communication style. Take this opportunity to practice having a lighter touch with yourself and others. To put it frankly, Scorpios are known to take themselves a tad seriously…which is the most annoying thing you can possibly say to someone who takes themselves too seriously. But! I am saying this for your own good and because the little spirits that inhabit celestial bodies (that is how astrology works btw) told me to tell you to practice thinking of your own intense emotional inner world as really not a huge deal. If this sounds harsh, please forgive me. I just want to offer you the gift of realizing that this is all probably a simulation and your feelings are glitching lines of code and you get to stop suffering whenever you want. Yay!

All this is very important as Venus moves into firechild Aries on the 7th. This will likely aggravate your passions, stir up your soup, heat up the old internal kettle. The stars in your chart will basically be like a crowd of popular teenagers chanting, Fight! Fight! Fight! You have to calm your inner crowd of teenagers, because not only will they want to start a fight, they will also be horny as all get out. Now, if the choice is between fisticuffs and doin it, I am always in favor of doin it, as are the small stargods. But, I advise caution about making any hot-headed decisions w/r/t feuds or sex stuff because we have a Mercury retrograde kicking up at the same time as Mars enters Capricorn. This means that it will be in your best interest to turn your energy toward quiet, diligent work and away from the battleground. It was so nice spending this time with you my dude, I can’t wait until our next rendezvous.

Sagittarius

Hey Sag!! Do you ever eat popcorn even though you are an adult and it is not made for our adult intestinal tracts, and then you get some sharp popcorn piece in your back molar and there is no tool in modern dentistry that can get this popcorn out of its hiding place? This is pretty much the astrological situation that you find yourself in this month Sag, only instead of popcorn, it is nagging thought loops about things that you should or shouldn’t have done in 2019. And instead of your mouth, it’s your noggin. And instead of useless dental implements that fail at loosing the dross trapped between your tooth stones, it’s all the mindfulness techniques YouTube has to offer. That’s the sitch for many of you and both the stars and I personally empathize. Luckily for you, Mars moves into Capricorn on the 16th, the same day that Mercury goes retrograde. This alignment will be challenging for many signs, but I think that it could actually be like a metaphorical golden toothpick for you!

Mercury often causes past relationships to resurface and this influence can be meddlesome. But you can meet this head on by putting your foot down and committing to either returning to the person you’re anxiety-looping about and setting things straight, or by committing to let that shit go. By the 23rd you’ll have the energy of a new moon in Pisces, which is the perfect time to make a fresh start. Hop to it, buckaroo!

Capricorn

Hey!! What a month you’ve had! The beginning of the year is a hard time in general for many of us. The hangover of the holidays, the build-up of fresh starts, and the difficulty of living in the space between those two poles.That’s just the way it is for almost every human creature and if anyone has a super fun alternate experience this time of year, kindly form a brunch group and keep it to yourselves. Cap, you already know where I’m going with this—astrologically speaking, you may have won the January blues-a-thon. It was a really strenuous time in your interpersonal relationships. Many of you felt like you were just consistently stepping in it.

Luckily, the pressurized communication you’ve been experiencing lately is likely to lighten up! Mercury, the planet ruling communication, moves into flowy and chill Pisces. This is basically the astrological equivalent of the first hints of spring. How should you capitalize on this, you ask? My big tip is this: Spend the first half of the month going to battle with your cynicism. You know that person you are holding a signature Capricorn grudge against? Let it go. Do cute things like re-pot your plants, or have an actual picnic. I am always telling you guys to have picnics, are any of you actually having picnics? Have I been wasting my virtual breath? Anyway. You are going to need this softness come February 16th when Mars moves into your sign and totally frigging ignites your characteristically focused and maybe a little hot-headed nature. You need to direct all your passion and verve toward something more productive than arson or mayhem. This burst of energy coincides with Mercury going retrograde, which suggests that if you do burn down a building, your perfect alibi will most likely unravel. The new moon in Pisces on the 23rd will encourage you to lean into the more gentle side of your psyche and start planning your next moves from a more intuitive place, rather than from the admirably deep well of potential wrath and notorious ambition. I am proud of you and I think those jeans look great, don’t give it another thought!

Illustration by Olivia Healy.

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