…Okay, now raise your hand if you’re tired and feel a kind of Anthropocene dread and existential trembling under the weight of possibility that stretches out before you! Oh, look at that, both my hands are raised! How about yours?
Look friends, I am not a therapist. I am but a humble peddler of metaphor-based astrological wares. So I am not clinically licensed to tell you to start journaling for your mental health. I can, however, soak up vibes from the Aquarian energy circulating and see that the extremist, always-on-the-vanguard thing that Aquarian energy is so good at bringing out in all of us can also bring out a frenetic sorrow that must be met with kindness and coping strategies. Therefore, the theme of this month is shoot for the stars, but also just be a regular-degular dude and try to drink enough water. I’ve missed you all, let’s get started.
Oh hello birthday angel! Welcome to your season! *cue confetti cannon* Are you celebrating by splurging on the newest Fenty and booking a spontaneous trip to the Maldives? Probably not, you hardworking and disciplined sea goat! You have been keeping your figurative nose to the figurative grindstone, and that energy doesn’t look to be tapering off. Luckily, the stars are aligning to help you shift out of your go-go-go routine and into a place where you can kick back and count your blessings. The full moon and lunar eclipse on the 10th will urge you to make resolutions about your love life. Is it time to delete the dating apps? Is it time to download a suite of them? I don’t know! But I do know that it can be very all-consuming when we’re in the throes of love and desire. Take care of yourself by balancing your intense romantic feelings with healthy doses of platonic bonding.
Many Caps out there lean toward shyness, and when you’re in a romantic relatsh you tend to put your friendships on ice. This month’s theme is all about balancing the big dramatic moves with the small, sweet, overnight-oats kind of game-changers. So use the cutting-edge energy of the new moon in Aquarius on the 24th to take stock of how well you’ve been balancing your energy and re-adjust if needed. Now, get out there and spend your month of solar return embracing your wild ambition and blazing heart, while also making time for some good ol’ fashioned friend dates.
Oh hi you strange and perfect bird! I hope you are preparing for your birthday month. I want to offer you my very favorite piece of Aquarian whimsy as an early birthday present:
You’re welcome. Now, I know you may be thinking, Wow Sar, you’re really showing off by giving me such an excellent gift right out of the gate when it is not even my birthday yet. But I’m not the only one that came to this month bearing gifts for you–turns out many of the planets want to lay good fortune at your feet. The emotional full moon and lunar eclipse in Cancer on the 10th will likely bring healing for you in some intimate emotional arenas that have been painful in the last month or so. This is good for you, but might be kinda icky (like a wheatgrass shot or a colonic perhaps). This means that the first half of January is the time to enlist some chill coping strategies. For example, every time you feel a big cry coming on at work, go for a brisk walk around the block. I find that freezing windchill is productively distracting and refreshing when I want to snap out of a weep. The new moon on the 24th in your sign should bring feelings of control and exhilaration. Capitalize on that rush of energy by spending the last bit of January into early February getting your life-renovation on. Good job being born and keeping the momentum going all the way to today, my dude.
Pisces, you radiant sunfish that shines like the star of its namesake, welcome to 2020! I hope you brought your Google calendar because January is really going to be challenging in terms of scheduling all the fun fun funnery ahead. This month is abnormally busy in your social life—and you’re gonna have to get real about who deserves your time and who doesn’t.
The lunar eclipse and full moon in Cancer drops by to say hi and to tell you to get your life circa January 10th. For all you sensitive psychic fish spirits this can bring a lot of emotional undercurrents right up to the surface to roil around and make things feel weird. Eclipses feel sudden and dramatic for everyone, and all your other star-kin are going to be confronting some emotional truths that they have been content to keep happily packed away. However, as everyone on the internet knows, Pisces is the most sensitive sign and this is your strength right now. Lean into the feelings and see what you can learn from the murky depths.
After a month of swimming in the deep sea of cry-texting your best friend, you will need to take some time away from gazing into the dark cave of your soul and get out into nature around the new moon in Aquarius on the 24th. It will help you to connect to the big wide world of trees, who don’t feel things (actually that’s debatable, hmu in the comments to talk about the latest tree communication networks in the comments) and thus can remind you how important it is to let go of your small individual sufferings sometimes and connect with big, old, chill beings. Yeah. That’s my astrological advice. Go hang out with a tree. Thank you and goodnight.
Greetings fire ram! Happy new decade! I have something to tell you that you might not like. Please allow me to soften the blow by first asking you to look at this picture of Timothée Chalamet eating fries with Meryl Streep:
Okay, see? All better. And now that you are soothed by this image, I have to tell you that this month may be emotionally challenging for you. Aries likes to move fast. You are more the type to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission, and sometimes this can land you in some sticky entanglements. This is especially true in the career sector of your chart this month. But luckily, you have Mercury connecting with Neptune (the dreamboat of the solar system) on the 7th and 8th, which should offer you some guidance about your path forward by stimulating your intuitive wisdom. The full moon and lunar eclipse on the 10th is a time for you to let go of distraction and use that newfound intuitive-clarity-juice courtesy of Neptune to start a project close to your heart.
There is the energy of upheaval in the stars for you around the new moon on the 24th and that could mean all kinds of conflicts and even some painful endings (No! Don’t panic! Remember Tim and Meryl? What Would Timmy’s Jawline Do? It would chill out and trust that it is perfect). This is a month to commit to letting go of what no longer serves you and call in the good things that you dream of.
Hey friend! I’m so excited to see you here in this new decade. Even though the new year comes with an implicit dictum to be positive and optimistic, you might notice lots of people around you boarding the train to Sad Town in the County of Bluesville due to this emotionally trying full moon in Cancer on the 10th. But the train that’s coming for you, Taurus, is running on totally different steam. Okay I’m done with the train metaphors… just had a one-track mind for a sec. Sorry! Sorry. You have my permission to ignore my texts until February. Anyway, you are set up to forge delightful connections this month when Venus (your ruling planet) enters Pisces on the 13th and brings out the chatty, social side of you.
There is so much energy for transformation in your chart this month, you beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk ox. Instead of leaning into your infamous dislike of change, stretch outside of your comfort zone and take some chances. But, as I’ve been counselling all your astrological star siblings, balance out your forays into the unknown with some comfort food and weighted blanket sessions, okay? Love you, miss you, sorry for the puns.
I want everyone who is not a Gemini to leave the room. Is everyone out? Okay. Now that we’re alone, let’s get real, Gem. I know you secretly love rules. Now, I’m not saying that you play by these rules. Often it’s actually the opposite. But even as Gemini’s have a bit of a reputation for being kind of restless, mischievous, and a lil bit tricky, the duality is v real:You are also a Mercury-ruled sign that loves organization, details, and yeah, rules (even if you are just learning them to find yourself a loophole). Capricorn season 2020 is the perfect time to lean into this side of yourself. Or, to put it another way, this is a good month to get your shit together. The full moon and the lunar eclipse on the tenth in Cancer will have you sorting through all the little corners of chaos in your life and making decisions about what needs to stay and what needs to be swept away.
How are you gonna do that? By stepping more fully into your body and feeling your feelings — even the ones you’re afraid of. This eclipse could take you deep into some challenging emotional realms, but don’t be afraid, you beautiful, naïve, sophisticated starbaby. By the time the new moon comes around on the 24th (bringing with it dreamy Aquarian energy), you will have cleaned off your plate enough to welcome in a new creative project that will energize you like a five-minute yogic headstand, or like a Four Loko from back when they were still allowed to put dangerous levels of caffeine in them. If neither of those metaphors apply to your lifestyle, then I just don’t know what to tell you. Godspeed, my friend.
Hello Cancer, you lovely brilliant, emotionally advanced carbon-based life form! We know that the animals that the ancients named the star formations after are more metaphorical archetypes than they are literal totems. Still, as your local Google Image-having modern day astrologizer, I feel obligated to show you this photo of the largest crab species on earth, the Japanese Spider Crab, which I discovered while writing this horoscope and which can measure 12 feet between his terrifying claws:I am not showing you this simply because it is grotesque and the single most awesome thing I’ve seen this week. I am showing you this for educational purposes. You see, Cancers are known to be unapproachable at times, much like this giant spider crab trying to be held by this poor human man. This month, the full moon and lunar eclipse happen in your sign on the 10th. You will feel called to examine the ways that you have kept people at claw’s length. Start the year out by looking toward your partnerships for some interesting opportunities to develop deeper empathy and connection, because the moon is offering some softness to you and your partners in terms of communication and connection. This is a good time to try out new levels of honesty, my friend.
Also on the horizon: a new moon in Aquarius on the 24th. This will amp up your already powerful individualistic nature. If you stay true to your authentic way of being then you can expect big and exciting things in your romantic and career partnerships this month and beyond! Fine, maybe the disturbing giant spider crab photo wasn’t ENTIRELY necessary, but I just felt like the people need to know what’s out there, right? Hmu in the comments section with any cool crab stories, because now I’m deep in a research hole about crabs and it is a wild and wonderful topic that I would love to discuss further.
Salutations Leo! Happy Cap season and a joyous new decade to you! My wish for you: May your skin be dewy and your stacks be on deck. Your path to these noble goals? Go ahead and say an Irish goodbye to Sag’s party season and buckle down for some serious Cap-inspired work on yourself. Yes, yes, as I’ve said, this month will be challenging for many signs because of the stars’ insistence on all of us getting our shit together and finding some routine and discipline which I know is not usually your vibe, you frisky sun-lion. But do not give in and do not pout. The energy can be super productive if you channel all your light into manifesting your goals through hard work, while making sure to take long breaks featuring some really good house slippers and maybe some Sade.
You love attention, and maybe you even have a taste for fame and acclaim, but sometimes that can lead you astray and be an obstacle for you in terms of actually achieving your goals. You know that person who is some kind of undefined artist but they never actually make art they just stay telling people about their art at parties? Don’t be that person! Make your art! Start that project! Focus, Leo. Your inspiration deserves your effort and the new moon in high-minded Aquarius on the 24th will help you create something really meaningful. I can’t wait to find out what you make of this month!
Omgosh Virgirino happy new year and happy Cap season! You and Cap are both earth signs, which means that your sensuous proclivities are amplified this month. Your energy and Cap’s energy are both all about this kind of physical, sensual pleasure. Now is the time to get your flirt on, to get creative and to celebrate a little bit.
A word of caution: Take my get-frisky advice with a whole lot of self-directed compassion because you are definitely not immune to the strenuous effects of the emotionally trying lunar eclipse and full moon in Cancer on January 10th. You might find yourself fatigued physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Take some time to accept that slowness, settle down, and move gently. Stay sensitive and obedient to the signals your body and soul are giving you about how to go gracefully and authentically through this time. You might even experience some (necessary?) growth and change in your romantic life.
Around the new moon in Aquarius on the 24th, you may be feeling some film noir-level angst. But this might be a good thing—a perfect time to figure out what situations need attention in your life. With all this on your plate Virgo, your word of the season is REST. Please get your naps in, because right around the 27th, Mars and Venus are collaborating to bring some passionate and fiery energy into your relationships and you are going to need the energy to act on those saucy whims.
Dear Libra, it’s me, Boundaries, and I am moving tf in this season. You are all about relationships Libra, and that means that when you are not in balance, you can over-extend and just pour love into people until your cup runs dry. Cap season’s energy encourages you to focus on setting firm boundaries with people you love, especially family members. This season has you looking toward both the symbolic and original home, i.e. family life, as well as your literal current home. This is a time where some serious changes can happen at home. Maybe you are moving, or maybe you’re doing some deep work on what it means to be at home.
You need this. As a Libra myself, we need this. To soften the blow of all that realness, let us celebrate good tidings of love and whimsy (thanks to Mercury’s entrance into Aquarius on January 16th)! Also, the new moon in Aquarius on the 24th will be gorgeous for us as it brings with it a new beginning in love and creativity. It is time to spice up your romantic life and start some new creative projects. This month is not gonna be a joy-ride, my air-kin, but let’s grab some tourmaline and hit a yoga class and stay grounded as we move through this season.
Scorpio, you soulful, mysterious hottie, it’s Cap season! This not only means that you will have Capricorn’s industrious energy boosting your productivity, it also means that it’s time for you to get real about your priorities (that dang duality of existing in the third dimension, am I right?!). At the start of the month, you are going to feel the impulse to start planning meticulously, but don’t go overboard. Around the full moon and lunar eclipse in Cancer on the 10th you might be feeling some serious strain. The watery, emotional energy of Cancer can put old relationships to the test while new relationships bloom. Also, Mercury and the sun are getting intimate this month, which will push you to examine the way you communicate with those closest to you—that can be hard and scary. But hey, look at me, eye contact, I promise you that this is all happening FOR you, not TO you. The result of all this tumult? A big upgrade in how you talk to yourself and others.
Let me leave you on a high note: Venus and Neptune mingle hard on the 27th, which will bring an eccentric and creative energy into your life. If you lean into this energy and really put your heart into your brilliant ideas, the stars are aligned to support your success. Many of us know very well how to expect hardship, how to cope with struggle. Yet we aren’t taught what to do when success comes knocking on our door. Light a candle baby, and open your arms. You deserve all the good things.
Hi Sag!! Are you absolutely titillated about the new year and the new decade and all the new new new newness in the air!?! I can make no promises about your individual internal state of being, but based on astrological archetypes and the planets and stuff, the beginning of this month will give you a huge boost in energy and will find you in a particularly gregarious mood.
Okay, and as far as the full moon in Cancer and the lunar eclipse on the 10th goes? You might find yourself feeling a little anxious about what your direction in life is. My celestially guided advice: chill out bb. This is an incredibly important time in your life and big things are a-brewing. This can be frustrating and exhausting, but instead of trying to dig in and white-knuckle your way through, please be gentle and get some rest during this trying time. You will need that stored up energy in order to make sure those plans you’ve gotten in order are actually sustainable.
Now, the sun enters Aquarius on January 20th, which lights up the sector of your chart that influences your mind. This should help you let go of those pesky habits of thought that limit your belief in what’s possible for you. Then! When the new moon in Aquarius arrives on January 24th, it’s like someone walks into your mind room and sweeps all your books and important papers onto the floor and then grabs your face and makes extended eye contact and shouts, “HEY! You can say that thing to that person that you literally thought it would be impossible to say!!”
Remember Sag, you have the power to move from breakdown to breakthrough. You got this.
Illustration by Audrey Weber.