Welcome to the Annual Man Repeller Gift Guide! As you may know, we love throwing a theme party that moonlights as gift-giving advice around here, and this year’s theme is “horoscopes.” It’s a timely celebration of the 2010s’ primary source of digital catnip as this decade come to a close, but also an excuse to create TWELVE highly personalized gift vignettes for your shopping pleasure.
We’re breaking them up over the course of four days, which started with fire signs yesterday, moves to earth signs today, and tackles water and air signs after that–so be sure to keep checking back for more treats. (Think of it like an advent calendar, except you get to eat multiple chocolates at once.) Now, without further ado, I’ll hand the mic over to astrological aficionado Sarah Panlibuton Barnes who is far more qualified to wax poetic on the stars and their plans for your presents. —Harling Ross
What would we do without our earth signs to keep us grounded during this frenetic time of year? The holidays can send many of us spinning like tops, zipping around Black Friday sales and worrying about whether Aunt Gilda is back on her militant raw veganism kick and will spend at least two thirds of any get-together referring to your leather shoes as “those dead baby cow sacks on your feet.” Luckily, the universe in its infinite wisdom has gifted us chill-ass earth signs who will help keep us sane this season.
Earth signs are a gorgeous combination of pragmatic and sumptuous. They will make sure that the roast poultry stays basted and that everyone’s cups stay filled. At the holiday function, earth signs are likely to bring the most decadent canapés, post up on the comfiest furniture, and draw other guests into their soothing and sensual aura. Earth signs are the astrological equivalent of Timothée Chamalet’s powerful brow, mixed with velvet upholstery, mixed with an ankle stabilizing boot, mixed with Obama’s oratory timbre. Gifts inspired by this energy will be beautiful, functional, and overall pleasing to the senses. Do you have excitement shivers running down your excitable spine? I sure do! Let’s break it down.
When I think of Taurus, I think of a buxom film starlet in repose atop a chaise lounge. There is a gilded lazy susan, a spinning selection of patisserie at Taurus’ fingertips. Scattered around the scene are half-drunk bottles of good wine, an abundance of pillows, burning resins and incense, and a hitachi vibrator (anachronistic but spiritually truthful). Taurus is all about feeling good on her own terms. Pressies to delight someone with these sensibilities will be all about decadence, but not the dripping-in-diamonds kind, more like a luxurious cashmere beanie, these understated bracelets, some statement clogs, an excellent handbag, and an “Oh, this old thing?” cool-girl attitude. Tauri are also likely to sit out some of the overabundance of festivities this season, seeing as how they are characteristically protective of their energy. So send ‘em into homebody-bliss with domestic delights like this set of face masks, and these salt and pep grinders that look like something you’d find in a claymation cartoon set in a laboratory.
Capricorn, the astrological sea-goat, is a master of the material and the emotional world. With their hooves on the ground and their sleek fish tails in the aqueous territory of emotions, they are turned on by worldly success and self-mastery. They love to savor the fruits of their hard work and they swoon for excellent craftsmanship. Capricorn is the sign you want at the helm of any holiday get together and they generally know this about themselves. In fact, as a cardinal sign, they have probably already sent out embossed invitations and created a spreadsheet listing every guest’s dietary restrictions and favorite conversation topics.
Show up to a Cap’s party with this sleek vase that reminds me of that terrifying shimmer-twin that Natalie Portman fights at the end of Annihilation and this beautifully crafted velvet cushion. If you want to go the jewelry route, these earrings and bracelets will have even the most selective sea goat in an appreciative tizzy. When the festivities are over, Cap will probably want to start cleaning up and writing thank you cards immediately. Encourage them to chill out with this matcha set that will appeal to their taste for tradition and these flip flops which make them feel like they’re walking on the backs of teddy bears, which will appeal to anyone with feet.
Everyone needs a Virgo in their life, especially during the holidays. Virgos are all about the joy that comes from order, harmony, and abundance in the material world. For example, I will bet you a mug full of eggnog (which I believe is more of a weird custard than a beverage) that a Virgo probably created Tetris. That moment when the little stack of cubes finally fits into the gap and the line disappears was clearly designed with a Virgo’s pleasure centers in mind. This delight in introducing order into chaos translates into an excellent set of hands in any holiday kitchen. A Virgo will dice the hell out of a scallion, efficiently zest the citrus, and line up your mise en place in understated ramekins.
Delight your Virgo’s taste for beauty and order with this colorful cutting board that says, “I like chaos when it is completely sealed into a non-porous and hygienic surface,” the coolest jar I’ve ever seen, these tartan Baggu zip sets to keep all their important objects (such as this excellent Gucci Beauty lipstick set) separate and easily findable, and this gilded set of utensils so they never have to worry about other people improperly washing their forks and spoons (a real concern). Top off your sensational display of gift-giving with these perfectly toasty slippers by Toast so that Virgo’s feet will stay both pristine and warm.
Come back tomorrow for all your air-signed loved ones!!