Wow, everyone, thank you so much for gathering here today. I stand before you having just indulged in a Leo season that was truly one for the ages. I hope you all had a dazzling and indulgent month. Honestly, I missed you and I’m so happy to be standing, once again, on the metaphoric oracle stone. (Did oracles have stones they stood on? I feel like I’ve heard that before… or am I thinking of oracle bones? In which case, just imagine me standing atop the skeletons of your enemies.) Anyway, I’m so happy to be standing here to bring you September’s tidings!
We have an exciting Virgo season ahead of us, with almost every sign getting a boost of energy and delight from spontaneous Uranus making eyes at Venus and Mars this month. I have so much to tell you I can’t even bear to carry on this flirtatious introduction. So, read on for the juice, the tea, and the hot-n-ready star goss.
Are you buckled in, Virgirino? If you are not buckled in, I recommend that you get yourself to the nearest seat-belt purveyor and procure yourself a portable seat belt before we continue. After holding oracular congress and huffing mystical vapors, I have determined that this month is going to be one of the best of the year for you. Here’s the planetary scoop: As soon as September kicks off, you are in for an array of delights. In our first week of Virgo season, your ruling planet Mercury is in your sign making you extra quick and witty. Do you have a half-drafted text to your crush saved in your Notes app, wherein you make a sick Home Alone 2 reference, but you’re hesitating to send it because you’re like, idk if this will be a smash? If so, I have two words for you: send it. If it doesn’t work out, just tell them it was all my idea and that you’ve never even seen Home Alone 2. It’s that easy.
There are a whole bunch of other planets currently getting cozy in your first house, which is the house where your personality lives. Now, if my personality had a house, I think it would be an old Victorian in a ghost town that people walked by on haunted house tours. As each tour group came by my personality’s house, I would pull the blinds to reveal myself, frozen in a dramatic pose, starring in a tableau vivant of some kind! Do you think your personality would like to live next door to mine? Actually, never mind, we have to focus, Virgo! I need you to know that a lot of planets are currently conspiring to make this a month when people won’t be able to resist your charms. There are so many YESes floating around you right now, it’s like they opened up a YES factory down the street. So, just mosey on down there and pick you up some. Honestly, the whole month looks rosey, so you really don’t need my help. Have a fun birthday month, you lil’ bumblebee.
Dear, sweet Libra with the sparkling personality and excellent taste in interior decor, you know I don’t play favorites. As a Libra myself, it would be against my nature to make such an unfair choice. But, I will say that I have a particularly tender spot for my fellow Librans. So, please hear the following advisory and know that it is coming both from the cockles of my heart (which is actually an idiom taken from scientific texts written in Latin during the 17th century, so please take it seriously) and also from the absolute truth and wisdom of astrological interpretation: You’ve gotta slow down on the socializing. I know, we Librans generally hate to hear this, but you’ve got a bunch of fascinating planets brooding in your twelfth house of privacy.
This is an especially powerful period to spend some time alone and get reacquainted with your inner voice. I mean, when is the last time you hit yourself up on a Friday night and were just like, hey you, wanna just skip the party, pick up some pistachio ice cream, and do some sudoku instead? It’s probably been a while. Might I suggest deleting the Instagram app? Or temporarily deactivating your Facebook? People will be all like, wow how mysterious, I wonder where that complex and fascinating Libra went? And then, when it’s our birthday season next month…oof! You’ll be back with a cache of unposted selfies. If you take this planetary invitation to hang with yourself, you will be rewarded with unparalleled creativity, according to actual astral reports that I harvested by hand. This will be so good for you, trust me. (And if you want to start an alone time support group, hmu in the comments.)
My dearest Scorpling, it has been too long, has it not? You’ve been working so hard it was actually just exhausting to stare into my celestial reflecting pool and gaze upon all the recent hurdles you’ve encountered. I have weary-by-proxy syndrome about it—a concurrence most commonly encountered when you see a friend still fucking with that one dude who refuses to get a real shower curtain and is instead still simply using a plastic shower liner, as if that is a thing that adults do. But! I have great news for you, my beloved scorpion babies, this month is going to be a much needed spoonful of sugar in your tea.
In the first half of the month, your eleventh house of friendship will be illuminated by the new moon. This means that the people who you are getting to know right now are people that you will want to know for a very long time. That cutie in the embellished silk slip from the cocktail party might be a purveyor of the rare orchids you have been looking for all summer. That friend of a friend who you shared a Lyft with could possibly be a gifted theremin player who wants to help you make your futuristic space noise band dreams a reality. What I’m saying is that the planets are trying to coax you out of your den (technically scorpions live in burrows, but no matter!) in order to meet some people you really want to meet. Put on your outdoor shoes and let the world delight you. I am 84% sure this will work out well for you.
Oh, Sag! You scamp, you move-maker, you robust corporeal life force! Late last month, you had Mercury, Venus, and Mars slide into your tenth house, which governs professional achievements, honors, and Employee of the Month plaques. If late-August was a girls night out, you could think of Mercury as that one friend who goes to get a drink and then returns with a group of circus performers in town from Spain who you simply must meet. Venus would be the friend who insisted everyone wear glitter, even though you’re all adults, and then leads the table in a drinking game where there is the possibility—nay—probability of everyone making out. Mars is the friend who got you all into the exclusive club in the first place by sheer force of will. What I’m saying is that you’re rolling into Scorpio season with a powerful crew at your heels.
This is the time to launch new ventures and pull the trigger on whatever schemes and capers you’ve been cooking up. Sag—to put it another way—this month is about money for you. You have to be diligent, of course, but you should also have an expectant attitude. All the things you are seeking are seeking you as well, and every step you take toward your goals is a step that those goals are taking toward you. Think of manifesting your dream life being similar to dancing a tango at a distance. You are perfectly in step with your dance partner, but the problem is that your dance partner is a town over and you both must tango toward one another until you are finally in the same room. It was difficult to arrive in that room with your dance partner (your dream life) but when you get there it will be like that steamy scene in Frida where Selma Hayek ruins my life by sensually tangoing another woman at a party while gripping a rose between her teeth. So get moving, Sag! September’s going to be great and I am so proud of you.
Have you ever thought about how people could legally smoke on airplanes until 1988?! And that, before the switch to jet engines, planes were run on pistons and turbulence that could literally just snap your neck! People were in those speeding metal abominations just huffing stale air and smoke, not knowing whether their fragile vertebrae would remain unsnapped for the duration of their journey. When I get on a plane these days, I douse myself in hand sanitizer, try not to think about the composition of the air I’m inhaling, and say to myself, things could be worse. Now, I’m sure you see where I’m going with this, but let me spell it out: Cap, it is time for you to hit the road, to seek your great beyond, to venture into distant pastures.
You have a gathering of planets in your ninth house of long journeys and they are conspiring to anoint your adventure. It might not be easy to burst out of your comfort zone and board that flight, but when you get into your coach seat, sandwiched between a colicky baby and someone with the audacity to begin eating an egg salad sandwich before take off, just know that the planets are supporting your courageous spirit and that you will find so many blessings and delights when you arrive in Greenland or wherever it is that calls to you.
The stars would also like me to tell you to spend some time thinking about the next big step in your career this month. This might include planning that career shift, angling for that promotion, or—I don’t know—making a mood board of lapel designs that project power and authority. Okay, love you, gtg, good luck with your lapels!
How’s tricks, kid? I would bank on a very positive answer thanks to all the auspicious planets in your chart this month. September is looking real good for you, but with great delight comes great responsibility. Now, being the most airy of all the air signs when it comes to far-out contemplations, Aquarians aren’t generally thought of as a sign that’s overly concerned with worldly matters. Generally, you are interested in money only inasmuch as it allows you to indulge your fascination with everything cutting edge and perhaps (probably) a little weird. For example, when I have a question about whether I should give up on dating humans and begin a romance with one of these newfangled advanced AI chat bots who seem like they would surely have more interesting things to say than the milquiest of milquetoast people I have allowed to buy me dinner, I turn to the Aquarians in my life.
However, with Venus, Mars, and Mercury all congregating in your eighth house of other people’s money, September might be a good time to do some financial planning. Now, I know reading that sentence probably made you feel so bored you’ve left me alone in the chamber of astrological reflection and aren’t even reading this right now—but, if you’re still with me, let me tell you that the financial planning you do now with this crown of stars in your eighth house could set you up for a season of abundance.
One last thing: When the new moon in Libra hits at the end of the month, a titillating opportunity to travel may enter your life, and the stars have told me to tell you to take it! Well, actually, what they said is: Aquarians better board the train because the next stop is party-friggin-central and the margs won’t drink themselves! Those naughty planets.
Salutations, you gentle-hearted starfish. How are your feelings today? If we were in corporeal form together right now, I bet you would really consider that question and then express the peaks and valleys of your emotional landscape with sensitivity and care, right? I know you would. And on that note, can we take just a petty moment together here and talk about how often people respond to any inquiry about their feelings with “good”? I mean, that tells me literally nothing about your internal emotional weather and obviously I want to know or I wouldn’t have asked! I’m not yelling, you’re yelling!
I need to tell you that this month your sensitivities, while occasionally difficult to bear, are one of your greatest strengths and September’s planetary alignments will help to amplify this quality in a positive way. During the beginning of the month, Uranus, ruler of the unexpected, is making eyes at the new moon, which will set you up to be massively creative. Also, this sweet astrological confluence could spell an engagement or some other positive surprise in your romantic life. For example, if you have been contemplating commissioning a pair of plaster busts with your romantic partner depicting each other’s countenances, but you just weren’t sure if your romantic partner was ready, I hope you’re prepared to be pleasantly surprised by a brand new bust on the ol’ mantelpiece.
Also! Before I forget, the heavenly bodies wanted me to pass along a note that says, “Hey there lil’ angel, you’re doing so good! Just keep making stuff you care about and telling your truth, okay? Mommy loves you, xoxo.” So, if that means anything to you, great. If not, I am just the messenger doing my humble duty. It is going to be a beautiful month for you, you beautiful seaborn body of light.
I had a dream the other night that I was singing on a hillside á la The Sound of Music and I was really getting it, hitting all the high notes, going in on my twirling, but something still felt off. So, I stopped singing and called out to see if anyone would come harmonize with me, then right as I was about to give up hope that any living creature would come share in my delight, a mob of rams came storming down the alpine hillside and oh, how we rejoiced together! All of this is to say that I really need to integrate some bucolic cotton skirt and apron combos into my wardrobe because I looked great in this dream. Oh, and also that I believe I was having a premonition of your September horoscope.
You see, this month will be filled with the spirit of collaboration and drive for you (hence the mob of rams rushing down a hillside). I know you are probably like, ugh, Sar, I love you but I am so tired of being so ambitious and hardworking and excellent all the time. To which I reply—have I told you about Uranus? Uranus is the planet of surprises and it’s positioned in your financial house. With a lot of other kindly planets gathered in the work and collaboration centers of your chart, this indicates that you’re going to have a grand ol’ time doing this work and you will attract happy financial surprises as a result.
Keep your nose to the proverbial grindstone, and I will await you in an embroidered bodice, probably clutching a basket of honey and scones or whatever. See you in October, and tell your mom I love her for bringing you into the world!
You really are the M&Ms in the trail mix, Taurus. You are the sensuous delight that we tolerate peanuts and raisins to get our hands on. It’s an honor that you have stopped by for some Virgo season prophesying. First thing’s first my dude, this month is going to be spectacular for you, especially as it pertains to matters of the heart. You’ve got a delightful crowd of planets in your fifth house of happiness and true love, all while Uranus, the planet of surprise, is shining its light on this romantic planetary soirée.
The odds are excellent that you could fall in love this month and that it will be a joyful surprise. In fact, I would like to offer my services as the screenwriter for the rom-com about your grand romance. Here’s a taste: You are a high-achieving business person with a pent-up urge to cut loose and enjoy the delights of life. The opening scene is in a tasteful minimalist bedroom and we see your alarm clock go off. But it is not just any alarm clock. It’s one of those fancy morning light alarm clocks that wakes you up with the simulation of dawn. Alas, you are wearing an eye mask so the alarm didn’t work. We cut to a coffee shop, and a handsome barista is cheerfully chatting to customers, ribbing regulars, and making the espresso machine sing. Your meet-cute happens when your cat begins making biscuits on your head and you realize you are late for your high-powered job that you hate. (You know how it goes.) You dash into the coffee shop all rushed and the barista is like, ohmygosh you’re the person I sat next to on the bus in Portland all those years ago who gave me a stick of gum. You fall in love and the barista gets you to loosen up a little, while you help your new lover open their very own coffee shop. Voilà!
This will also be a great month for your creativity, so if you are not into finding a sexy cuddle partner, then pour your love into a paper-mâché diorama project or whatever it is you crazy kids are doing these days! Have fun out there, scamp, and always remember the wise words of John Waters: “If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ’em!”
Is that a sun-kissed glow I see across your cheeks? The stars were auspiciously arranged last month for travel and adventure. Did you take advantage of those vibes? If not, don’t worry. A good bronzer is only a drugstore stop away and honestly leaving the comfort of one’s own home is massively overrated in my personal opinion. If you, like me, prefer to eat your meals in bed and wish that people would just let go of the bed-eating stigma already, I have great news for you! Unfortunately, I’m not starting an advocacy group for bed diners. Instead, I’ve been asked by the stars to tell you that Mercury, Venus, and Mars are all having a sleepover in your solar fourth house, which rules the domestic arena of your life.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is positioned to give you the energy to make your home an even more delightful place. Venus, the planet ruling love and beauty, is holding up paint swatches for you this month and really leaning towards a calamine pink for the bathroom. Mars is also in attendance, suggesting that your home may be buzzing with energy—perhaps family visitors?
If your family does come to town, Mercury will help you to clearly communicate your boundaries and intentions. This might be the visit where you finally get the courage to tell you mother to stop going through your drawers and re-folding everything you own while you’re out getting bagels. She knows full well that she is going to encounter a vibrator! And like, why does she just weirdly tuck it right back in its designated place after she has rolled all your socks Marie Kondo-style? What is up with that? Good luck, Gemini, I see domestic bliss and autonomy on your horizons.
Hi! I feel like we haven’t seen each other in ages! What have you been up to? I have been diligently attending to the planetary movements within your chart and, according to astrology, this month will be filled with travel for you. I know that for some, the idea of a travel-filled month is exciting. But, I was just talking to Gemini about how, for others, a month of travel can become a countdown of days left until one can once again don the same egregious terry-cloth leisure pants and slipper socks for days on end. Cancers often lean toward being homebodies, especially when that home has a pet, plant, or lover to tend to. But the stars would like me to inform you that any traveling you do in September will be a net-positive for you and the people you’re closest to.
Uranus, the planet of surprises, is in a position to encourage unexpected but delightful spontaneous adventures. This could be a classic road-trip scenario or something more exotic. This could be the month where a loved one decides to break the world record for longest continuous bike trip on one of those party bikes where you have, like, eight people peddling and everyone is drinking and wearing themed apparel, which speaks to the unity felt within such a festive mobile experience. And you might be saying to yourself: Sarah, I don’t know anyone who would ever participate in such an abominable waste of time and energy. To which I would reply, I see your point, but I don’t make the rules here, buddy. The stars are in charge of these things, and I am just their humble mouthpiece. Thank you and goodnight.
Did you have a good birthday? What did you do to celebrate? (Please meet me in the comments with detailed descriptions of your party theme as well as a rundown of your outfits—I presume you had multiple costume changes.) I hope you aren’t experiencing any post-birthday blues, but if you are, fret not! September will be a month of exciting developments, particularly in the world of finance. You have some excellent planetary alignments in your second house of earned income this month that will set the stage for big steps forward in your career. The catch? You have to ask for it.
Leos might be known for extroversion and enjoying the spotlight, but even the most outgoing among us can get a little shy when asking for what we’re worth. It’s time to let go of any limiting beliefs you might have around your finances and start receiving the abundance that has your name on it. What I’m angling for here is you asking for a raise! There will be no better month this year for this move. My personal strategy for compensation negotiations revolves around shock and awe. I recommend pulling some tuxedo pants out of the closet, shining up those loafers, and maybe (definitely) throwing down a smoke bomb upon exiting the negotiation. I hear people have other methods, but I’m not able to speak to the efficacy of anything other than high drama. However you choose to seek your fortune, I wish you the best of luck and assure you that the cosmos have your back.
Illustration by Audrey H. Weber.