Oh my friggin goodness you guys, is it just me, or was that month of eclipses and retrogrades a doozy? I was feeling it so intensely and communicating about it so messily that my inner world began to feel like a mosh pit. It sent me right back to my days of swinging elbows and getting accidentally punched in the nipple by a sweaty stranger. I had to remind myself that even though retrogrades and eclipses get a bad rap for being the worst thing on either side of the Mississippi, they do important work. They stir up our shadow selves—all the parts of our humanity that we would rather not look at—which can ultimately be enlightening. That said, July was like “shadow self” rush hour, with all of our gross, sad, self-obsessed feelings trying to get on the beltway all at once, honking incessantly and cutting each other off. Let us all gather into a circle, hold hands, and take long, deep synchronized breaths to release all of that chaos en masse.
Okay, now that we’ve acknowledged the journey we’ve been through, we can fully appreciate what’s on our communal horizon. That’s right, all you accumulations of ancient carbons, it is finally Leo season and things are about to get generally fun as heck. In the spirit of these ebullient vibes, I have engaged in esoteric congress with the small gods of the skies in order to serve up some hot-n-ready star wisdom for you. I am feeling a bit more earnest and tender after all that eclipse business so let’s take this month’s readings real gentle and make sure we hydrate throughout, okay?
Your horoscope this month has basically already been written, and it is the lyrics to the song “Dancing Queen” by Abba. If your horoscope for this month was a piece of clothing, it would be a sequined cape. If your horoscope was a showy dessert, it would be Baked Alaska. Your general flamboyance and verve are amplified right now and I honestly don’t know if we are even ready for that as a species. But, because we are moths to your light, all of us mortals will flock to you, whether we’re ready or not.
What do you have planned for your birthday, you perfect fire angel?! After diligently gazing upon the stars and conducting tedious astrological calculations, I would like to encourage you to consider the following birthday party elements:
1. Champagne bottles with lit sparklers
2. A talent show highlighting your various skills. There should be multiple costume changes (of course) and an audience full of enthusiastic fans. Start with your flashiest contributions, such as singing or dancing or a good dramatic monologue, and then work your way down to less obvious but equally impressive talents, like dish-washer organization, besting babies at staring contests, or perhaps undertaking an hour-and-a-half long subway ride with multiple transfers whilst managing to avoid touching any public surfaces with your bare hands.
The full moon in Aquarius on the 15th will have you thinking towards the future in optimistic terms, which is wonderful. But take heed, young buck, there are very pushy Jupiter and Uranus vibes in the celestial sphere, so you will be itching to make moves quickly and perhaps neglecting necessary but patently boring stuff like budgets and scheduling. It is going to take some restraint to resist jumping off cliffs and diving into the unknown, literally or figuratively, but the stars counsel a measure of patience in your endeavors.
Wow I feel like we haven’t talked in a month of Sundays, Virgirino! July was a busy time for you according to those chatty ol’ stars and I would like to officially welcome you to Leo season, a time for Virgos to chill tf out. I feel like I am always giving you this advice, but instead of thinking of me like a broken cosmic record, think of me more as that daily alarm on your phone that says, “Hey there, you muscular spiritual stallion, drink more water and pack some snacks!!!!!!!” Oh, you don’t have that alarm set? Well definitely get on that. And while we’re on the topic of getting on, I need someone to cue “Let’s Get It On” by Al Green so we can start two-stepping smoothly together in perfect synchronization because this is a perfect time for some lovin’.
Although there are romantic tidings in your chart this month, there is also an amplification of your inward-looking nature. Therefore, I would like to take this opportunity to clamber atop my soapbox and advocate for the valuation and appreciation of physical self-love. Yes, I am absolutely talking about masturbation. But I am also absolutely talking about other physical expressions of love, adoration, and romance that are given to you by you and for you! This is a wonderful time to practice some sensual self-care. I highly recommend the practice of Abhyanga—an ayurvedic technique of self-massage using nourishing oils. I literally cannot get enough of myself after these massages. I want that for you (in a totally platonic and chill way)!
Virgos are known throughout the vast world of astrology memes to be very, hmm, I think particular is the most neutral word I could use. Y’all know what you want and meticulous in your planning. Thus, Mercury retrogrades, with all of their delays and miscommunications, can really put a damper on your love of linear progression. The good news is that the full moon in Aquarius on the 15th should bring some clarity to a project you’ve been stalling on throughout Mercury’s retrograde.
Salutations, you well-loved fiddle leaf fig! I am surprised that you even had time to read these horoscopes considering how full your dance card is this month! Because Venus has decided to do-si-do with Uranus, your post-Mercury retrograde (or as we like to call it in my apartment: The “Accidentally Sending My Mom a Tasteful Nude Meant for a Lover” Season of Endless Delights) period has you shining with magnetism and hydration. The stars suggest that you go full-libra mode: dress in sumptuous fabrics only (this is always my advice for everyone at literally any point in the time-space continuum), text all 17 of the adoring folx that are currently blowing up your phone a line of smiling devil emojis, and dust each and every shoulder on your body in blindingly luminescent highlighting powder.
With the full moon in Aquarius on the 15th, you will notice an exhilarating momentum culminating in the completion of a creative project. I just refreshed my rudimentary knowledge of Einstein’s theory of time dilation and relative motion because I felt that there could be a really satisfying metaphor there to illustrate “exhilarating momentum” but then I realized that physics is the least sexy association that one could make with that phrase. So please insert masturbation metaphor of your choice here and hit me up in the comments lounge if you wanna talk about Einstein’s Greatest Hits: The Wikipedia Edition.
What else do I have for you? Well, Mars and Uranus will probably have you looking for some solitude around the end of the month, which will be really good for you after four weeks of rigorous gallivanting and carousing. Okay, my dude? I love you and I want to end by telling you that I hold an intuitive belief that you have the capacity to make an excellent quiche, and I want to encourage you to lean into that.
Dear sweet scorpling, you light beneath every boulder, I am so excited for your Leo season! I am excited for everybody’s Leo season, it’s true, but the planets are aligning for you this month in such a shimmering and social way. Let me put it this way: If all the astrology signs went on a beach vacay, Scorpios would generally be the ones dressed in all black with a massive umbrella, surveying the horizon and plotting out some form of domination. During Leo season, though, all bets are off! Like, you might catch a Scorpio engaging in enthusiastic small talk with a stranger in line at CVS. You might catch a Scorpio being like, “Hey, it’s fine guys, someone else can choose where we go to dinner.” You might catch a Scorpio at a party being described as “very chill and easygoing.” That is how much Leo season will shake up the generally crazy-eyed sex magic vibes that you dear scorplings usually ooze. (Before we move on I would like to point out that we are truly doing ourselves a disservice by only using the verb ooze when referring to sexuality or pus. I think we should be able to ooze many things and I am open to your suggestions as to innovative usages of ooze.)
Now, back to the matter at hand. This whole month is going to be abuzz with social delights, for which we must thank the tiny baby lord of all things that are holy because July was a friggin mess. Your social graces will be at their peak around the full moon in Aquarius on the 15th so be prepared for your own magnetism because it will be something for the record books. This would be an excellent time to advocate for yourself in your work life, or to stunt on your enemies in your personal life. As a responsible shepherd of astrological wisdom, I can’t rightfully encourage you to use your powers for petty gains, but I also wouldn’t be mad at you if you did. Just saying.
Oh my lucky stars Sag, it feels fantastic to be here under the auspices of celestial wisdom, choppin it up with you once again. Now, let’s hold hands. I want to talk to you about abundance, about feast and famine, about deserts and oases! But let us begin with dim sum. So, you know that feeling when you’re totally starving after a night out, you’ve split off from your group of so-and-sos, and you find yourself walking through Chinatown aching for clarity and direction, wondering how we all came to be so lost on this spinning rock in space? Suddenly, you see a brilliantly illuminated little restaurant with a sign on its front door that says, “All You Can Eat Dim Sum, Open 24hrs” at the EXACT moment that you realized that all you wanted in life was a mountain of shrimp dumplings. Once you bite into the dumplings you dreamed of, you find yourself settling back into a sense of peace and optimism. Do you know what I’m talking about? I am talking about the particular kind of ecstasy that comes from encountering exactly the thing you need after a period of confused longing.
I chose to evoke the image of the mythical unlimited dim sum spot not only because I am currently craving turnip cakes and baozi, but also because after the frustration of Mercury retrograde, Leo season will bring you fulfillment and delight that could be paralleled only by the acquisition of more plentiful dim sum rations than you ever even thought possible. The celestial bodies, particularly your ruling planet Jupiter with its saucy intersection with Venus, are conspiring to bring serendipitous abundance and adventure into your life. In the latter half of the month this will spill over into your creative and professional life, so keep an eye out for opportunities to get out of town. This is going to be an excellent time of year for you Sag—the full moon in Aquarius will give you the clarity and foresight to make decisions that serve your highest dreams. I am honestly so excited I just gave myself full body chills. Good luck out there, scamp.
Gather ‘round all ye good sea-goats of starlit pastures, and let me tell you some things that the stars are absolutely itching to communicate to you. First of all, you’re doing great. Second of all, this month could shake up some of the bonds and obligations that have become stale in your life. This is good news! No one wants the crusty leftovers of love, it is time to feed those to the ornery pigeons in the park—I want only fresh-baked commitments for you! You are not alone in this emotional shake-up, Cap. Leo is a hot-blooded sign driven by the heart, so this time of year plays everyone’s heartstrings like a fiddle. The cosmic movements that you will be feeling the most have to do with Uranus meeting Venus at the start of August. This pairing of the planet of eccentricity and revolution with Venus, ruler of beauty, love and money, promises an opportunity to release all the things in these areas that do not serve you.
The full moon in Aquarius on the 15th will draw your attention to your wealth. I’m talking about all kinds of wealth here: the stars want you looking at your health, your time, your self-regard, etc. I recommend you pick yourself up a copy of Toni Morrison’s The Source of Self-Regard, dump the apps, activities, and dudes that waste your time, and consider all the things you could do if you took that time back! You could embroider pillows with Megan Thee Stallion lyrics (which is actually my dream hobby so if you start doing this, I mean, I’m happy that someone is, but I’m also so jealous it burns)! You could do a taxonomy of your junk drawer and try to get it published in a poetry magazine! The options are endless! Time is truly all we have in this life, my dude. I want Leo season to be a period where you put yourself back at the center of your schedule. Okay? Besitos, ‘lil aquatic goat of my dreams, I’ll see you next month.
Aquarius, you bird in flight, welcome to Leo season! Now, if your sign was a dessert that I vaguely remember seeing on Chef’s Table, it might be one of those edible pillows that releases a pleasant aroma, and sure, it’s not a stick-to-your-ribs bread pudding, but it is avant-garde, it is futuristic, it is innovative beyond what us mere human meatheads can even appreciate. On the other hand, if Leo was a dessert I vaguely remember seeing on Chef’s Table, it would be that Momofuku Milkbar cake that looks just like the funfetti mix that comes in a box at any grocery store. It is a cake brimming with nostalgia and warm associations, a loving, classic, homey dessert. As you have surely gathered from this gastronomic metaphor, you and Leo are at opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to general vibes. Your cool-headed, intellectual, maybe-she’s-an-alien vibes are in stark contrast to Leo’s hot-blooded, heart-forward approach to life. This contrasting energy will do you some good. All of last month’s eclipses and the Mercury retrograde had you reexamining your relationships, and now that the smoke has cleared, it’s time to act on that new clarity.
On the 15th we get a full moon in your sign! This brings the opportunity to let go of anything in your life that is holding you back from the future you want for yourself. For example, maybe you have finally decided that you are never going to get caught wearing dumb socks again. Maybe you want to wear classy, minimalist, all-black crew socks from a luxury sock mercantile. This is the month where you throw out those toe socks you got in high school because all the popular girls had them, or the Christmas-themed sock collection that grows every time your aunt Margie who never remembers your name comes to the family dinner and hands you a present with no wrapping. It is time to become a whole new bitch, Aquarius. Welcome to your next incarnation—it’s gonna be hot.
Pisces! I’m so glad you’re here, you human crystal ball! Y’all are a special breed—the most psychic and intuitive of the signs due to your position right at the end of the zodiac. You are the door between darkness and light. If there is a veil separating the world of the living and the dead, y’all would probably be the spooky veil itself. I am telling you things you already know not because I am that dude in the self-checkout lane who inexplicably tried to tell me how self-checkout worked at CVS yesterday. I am telling you because this month you will need to drink from this deep well of intuition. Leo season lights a fire under many signs, especially under you water babies, causing many of you to jump into action without taking the time to pause and check in with that wee voice in your heart that is only audible if you are very quiet and chill.
I’m gonna get real with you, my dude, because I think you need to hear it, but I super don’t want to be a downer so I need you to just look into my eyes and believe me when I say that we are going to get through this, you gorgeous forest of kelp, I swear it. Here’s the sitch: It’s time to get your shit together. More specifically, it is time to stop distracting yourself with whatever your favorite time-sucking vice might be. I’m sorry, I know how you probably feel right now. I ride hard as fuck for my right to waste my own time, but sometimes we’ve got to focus, and you need to focus on healing your damn self right now—no excuses. The full moon in Aquarius on the 15th will push you to look at the shadowy parts of yourself that came up during last month’s eclipses and retrograde. This is a season where so much can be healed and transformed, if you get uncharacteristically real about it and do the work. Oh my gosh, I hope that didn’t sound mean, did that sound mean? I just want the best for you, but I’m a Libra and it actually kills me to have scared-straight real-talk moments with you so please hmu in the comments if you want to do a few rounds of mutual complimenting which is totally more my wheelhouse.
Well hello there, you victorious fire ram, it is an absolute pleasure to spend some time with you again here on planet Man Repeller. How was your retrograde? Tumultuous and kinda icky? Or did you face the challenging aspects of Cancer season with enthusiasm and aplomb? Regardless of how you weathered last month, Leo season promises exhilarating opportunities for you to cut loose and shine. The fire-sign energy in the air will amplify your innate shine and your tendency towards the flamboyant and Jupiter’s influence around the 8th will nudge you to embark on an adventure. It could be an adventure of the romantic tryst variety. It could also be a spontaneous road trip to a bizarre roadside attraction that calls to you (might I suggest the world’s largest pistachio? It is 30 feet tall and in New Mexico and I just think that is fabulous). Or it could be a party that you consider bailing on because you don’t really know the host and it requires moderate effort to get to, but then when you arrive the whole venue’s interior decor PERFECTLY matches your outfit (that is one of my personal fantasies).
The full moon in Aquarius this month will insist you hit the pause button on August’s non-stop fun-a-thon and spend some reflective time with yourself. Full moons offer us the opportunity to lighten our spiritual and emotional load. There might be some relationships that you need to reexamine, but luckily you have the Aquarian energy of discernment and cool-headedness to balance out your headstrong nature. You see what I did there? It was a ram joke…because horns…no, you’re right. That wasn’t my best work, thank you for your characteristic bluntness, Aries, you keep me honest. I will come correct with significantly fewer dad jokes next month. I’m sorry I get corny when I’m tired and it has been a long day of ritualistic dance and crystal gazing trying to procure this wisdom for you! Let me know how I can make up for my transgressions in the comments section, please and thank you.
What do you think about summer house slippers, Taurus? I have spent the last ten minutes imagining what the optimal comfy cozy indoor footwear would be during a summer where the weather feels like a hoard of fire-breathing hellhounds were set loose to wreak havoc on my sense of well-being. The challenge is that nothing feels cozy when my whole body is perma-damp with sweat. I think that a classic rubber slide with a massaging footbed has to be a top contender, perhaps with a sweat-wicking ultra soft crew sock? I can’t wait to hear your thoughts about this very important question. Now, some might read this contemplation as a bewildering non-sequitur, but I know you can probably intuit where I’m going with this, my main dude, my earthy warrior queen of any gender. Not only is this discourse on sensuous foot-based pleasures classic Taurus small talk (being that y’all are the connoisseurs of sensual pleasure in the zodiac) but it’s also highly relevant to the general ambiance of your chart this month.
It is Leo season, and according to the esoteric congress of stars, planets, and other chill forces of the universe, you should be coming into a very sweet period of grounded, homey delights. What I’m saying is, if you don’t already have a pair of sole-massaging summer slippers, you must rush to your nearest trading post and procure some so that you can really settle into this time of wholesome house-joys. Let these simple pleasures be your focus for the first half of the month. Then, when the full moon in Aquarius hits on the 15th and shifts your energy towards seeing a work-project through to its final stage, you will be recharged and ready to finish strong. Wow that was so inspiring I accidentally motivated myself. Thank you for coming to my presentation, please grab a party favor on the way out.
Oh Gemini, you made it! You hung through a month of challenging scenarios in which you were routinely the odd person out. I absolutely hate that you may have felt excluded last month and I would like to rectify that right now by making extended eye contact with you and offering you my undivided attention in the comments section if you feel so inclined. Luckily, that dark time of disconnection is behind us and we have crawled into Leo season wherein your need to be right in the heat of the action will be fulfilled. The planets are aligning to offer you a much-needed respite from last month’s retrograde which was chock-full of miscommunication which I know you hate more than I hate when people make me watch YouTube videos that they “promise are funny” but are almost always not funny at all—that’s right, “Jeff” at the water cooler, I fake laughed at every single video of goats screaming at random times during an Australian news broadcast!
Anyway, around the full moon in Aquarius on the 15th, your communicative powers should experience a significant boost on top of your innate abilities. This would be an excellent time to have that long-avoided conversation with your housemate about how it is very triggering to you when you see them dip their bread directly into the softened butter at the breakfast table instead of using a knife to spread the butter on the bread like a real human being, or whatever else in your life you’re really concerned about. No matter what you choose to communicate about this month, starchild that burns with the light of one thousand temple fires, know that it is okay to set boundaries, that you come first in your life, and that you are a very good mammal.
Hi there, Cancer, are you currently wearing a velour tracksuit and counting your money while surrounded by decadent desserts? If not, I think that you should prepare yourself for this imminent occurrence because Leo season is all about luxury and, according to the stars, you will be taking this to heart. Venus rules love, beauty, and money and she wants to show off for you this month. I would like to suggest you temporarily minimize the tab that you are reading this horoscope on and watch the music video for the song “Practice” by Drake because the woman in this video is basically embodying Venus’s attitude about you rn. Like, she is out there in celestial space just slow-grinding and waiting for you to come through and accept her abundance. Yes, in this scenario you would be Drake only it would be totally less creepy. Anyway! August is looking real good for you, Cancer! Your friends and lovers want to lavish you with attention and presents and the like. This can sometimes be a struggle for y’all with your nurturing instincts and your tendency to occasionally put others before yourself. I want to formally insist that you accept the good things that are coming to you and not only stop impeding your own blessings but also go out into the world, open your arms, and actively call those blessings down to you!
This is important because at the full moon on the 15th, Uranus is making some moves that set you up perfectly to make big changes in your social circles and your ideas about what constitutes “community” to you as you move forward. With these celestial influences, you might find yourself dropping some beliefs that you once held dear, but that you no longer need. You might find yourself realizing your values no longer align with those of the people around you. This is a beautiful moment of clarity, and you should trust whatever your intuition moves you to do.
Illustration by Audrey H. Weber.