roundup vain celebrities man repeller lizzo
A List of Vain Celebs Who Keep Me Forever Young
07.15.19

I love celebrities that love themselves. I just love them! Both ironically and not at all ironically. Vain celeb accounts on Instagram are my first meal of the day and my final yawn before I hit the pillow. On my deathbed, when all my teeth are gone (idk why, they just are) and my IV drip is pumping mind-addling droogs into my system, show me Lindsay Lohan’s Instagram and I’ll give you a gummy smile before I cash in my chips.

Below I’ve compiled a list of my favorite vain celebs in an effort to share my enjoyment. For the purposes of this exercise, I’m defining vanity as the expression of “excessive pride in or admiration of one’s own appearance or achievements,” as per my good friend Google-ita. In the context of Instagram, I’m looking at the selfie (or photo of self) to NON-selfie ratio as well as their use of gas-me-up language as perceived by my own subjective point of view. I think they call this the scientific method.

I’ve divided my favorites into three camps, on a spectrum from classic selfie-loving divas to the out-of-the-woodwork unexpected celebs I love to discover are loving themselves. They are: the Usual Suspects (the who’s who of divas and their ilk), the Sweet Treats (the ones whose self-love gives me, and maybe you, life), and the Unexpected, But Welcome (wait, really? Okay, I’m on board). Within each camp, I’ve chosen my top three favorites because, in an effort to keep stride with the vanity of my subjects, I needed a way to make this article about me.

So, you know what they say, Vanitas Vanitatum et Omnia Paris Hilton.


The Usual Suspects

Go ahead, divas, do what you do!

Mariah Carey

Looking at her 3×3 grid on her profile rn, it’s clear that Mariah is all about Mariah in creative ways: It’s #bottlecapchallenge, it’s décollétage, it’s enough TBTs to match her Grammy count. My favorite? Her recent selfie triptych with devolving captions (the last is just a butterfly). She pulled a sweet lil’ Ansel Elgort for us, because who can decide on JUST ONE when the glow gloweth?!

Bella Hadid

Okay Bella is Bella. If I was a supermodel I would post 20 consecutive photos of myself from global Vogue editorials, too. But from big horse girl energy to this video of her looking like a caramel cake come to life (tears spring to mine actual eyes when I watch this, I don’t know why), it’s clear: Bella loves Bella.

Drake

Thank you, Champagne Papi, for your “vanity.” It blesses us on dark days. When Drake is not talking about basketball (I glaze over), he gives us thirst traps, lyrical captions, juicy smizes. Verdict? In the humble words of Drake, on Drake, “If I die all I know is I’m a mothafuckin’ legend.”

On the shortlist:
Lady Gaga
Paris Hilton
Xtina
Nicki Minaj
Every Kardashian and Jenner ever
Miss Fame

The Sweet Treats

May social media send me your blessings forever

Tracee Ellis Ross

I drink up every last drop of Tracee Ellis Ross’s day-making, body-positive, self-loving content. The above video is in my saved folder. Why? Because not only is it hilarious and essentially Tracee, but it’s representative of the kind of joyous approach to self that I—and dare I say, we all?—need. As she says in this recent IGTV video: “I’ll try anything. Mostly because I want to have fun as I face the weird anxieties that come up around aging, and around looking and feeling beautiful…My self-esteem doesn’t come from what I look like, but from how I show up in my life and in the world…I do realize that my Instagram at times is like ‘Okay, Tracee.’” To which I say: Okay, Tracee, NEVER STOP. In the words of @mssarahcatherinepaulson: “I love you so much”

Alyssa Edwards

I love—no…LOVE—Alyssa Edwards. As an avid watcher of Rupaul’s Drag Race (all 11 seasons and every All Stars), Alyssa has always been one of my top queens. Her vanity in season 5 (“I Don’t Get Cute, I Get Drop Dead Gorgeous”), her fiery (read: hilarious) feud with Coco Montrese, her Joan Crawford impersonation, and her bananas social presence are just… everything. *Tongue pop*

Lizzo

View this post on Instagram

Sext:

A post shared by Lizzo (@lizzobeeating) on

This should come as no surprise. Recently, on Lizzo’s IG story, she posted a video in which she exulted in her weight gain whilst slapping her ass and saying she’s never looked better. This is what Lizzo does best. Not only is her vanity iconic, it’s inspiring. I will eat up every last morsel of positivity, honesty, and hilarity. My cup runneth over.

On the shortlist:
Chrissy Teigen
Ansel Elgort
Tracee Ellis Ross
Billy Porter

The Unexpected, But Welcome

I didn’t peg you for thirst trapping based on what I know of you, but also I’m not mad

Kyle McLachlan

This is somewhat personal because Kyle McLachlan may have cracked open my sexuality when I watched too many episodes of Twin Peaks at age 13 without parental supervision, BUT he definitely falls on the vain celebs list in, like, a very “dad” way. Constantly posting memes (of himself) and selfies with dad jokes (SOS), McLachlan just can’t seem to get enough of McLachlan. To which I say: Weird flex, but okay.

Bill Nye

That’s a lot of selfies, Bill! I’m not complaining, because you did teach me the difference between hydrogen and nitrogen when I was 10, but I’m still perplexed. In a good way. Bill Nye: not just a science guy!

Neville Jacobs

View this post on Instagram

👀

A post shared by Neville Jacobs (@nevillejacobs) on

Does anyone else get the sense that Neville Jacobs (dogson of Marc Jacobs) thinks he’s hot shit? He is, but he’s on some major flaunt.

On the shortlist:
Andy Baraghani
Shemar Moore
Wiz Khalifa

Now your turn: Which vain celebrity IG accounts (or futuristic social media platform for displaying vanity) are you following til you reach the end of the road? GO.

Homepage photo via @lizzobeeating; Feature photo by Stefania D’Alessandro via Getty Images.