Tom Hanks will not give it a rest. He refuses. He declines. He simply can’t. First, he made it impossible for me to hear the words “Halloween,” “October,” and “questions” without thinking of David S. Pumpkins. Now he has taken summer from my sweaty, ice cream-covered hands and I do not object. Allow me to explain. But first, gaze upon this image:
It was Tom’s birthday yesterday and he was out here DRESSING. Ray-Bans, bold print trunks, pristine white cap, and….a crisp cotton shirt coyly and confidently tied at the bottom. How breezy and unexpected. How flirty and carefree. It’s like he gave us a gift on his birthday. Who gave you the right, Thomas? It’s like he woke up on his birthday, kissed his beautiful wife Rita, accepted a FaceTime from Tom Everett-Scott, confidently chuckled and said, “I’ll leave the Hot Girl Summer to those who deserve it and stay in my lane with a temperate dad summer.” He’s one of the most beloved people on the planet with a Rolodex of the world’s most influential people and here he is just…standing next to some bushes, cheesing. If this isn’t pure aspirational content, I don’t know what is.
In fact, his entire Instagram account is comprised of this same mix of complete normalcy as filtered through extreme fame and power. It is impossible to be his level of famous and live a normal life, and yet, Tom Hanks is trying. Everything he posts is imbued with the boy-next-door turned dad-next-door charm that made him famous. Take, for instance, his long-running and extremely popular series, “random single items on the ground/in the park/found at the beach”:
It’s charming in its universal mundanity. Who among us hasn’t spotted a single shoe or glove and allowed one’s mind to wander to the who/what/where/when/why/how of the item? Even more delightful than happening upon a shoe in the street is happening upon TOM FUCKING HANKS taking a picture of a dirty shoe on the ground. Can you imagine? You’re balancing your Trader Joe’s wine store haul on your hip as you try to Venmo request someone you barely know for a drink you bought them four days ago when boop, there’s Oscar-winner Tom Hanks holding his phone at an angle above someone’s lost Puma.
He also signs his posts, “Hanx,” which is the famous version of my dad signing his texts “love, Dad” (capitalization his). Everything he does is art.
Look at this! Look at how cute he was! Look at how funny and random this caption is! I just need to believe that this man is committed to everyone having a nice time.
And here he is supporting the US Soccer team with a blurry picture of Megan Rapinoe (Megan, please, I respect what you and Sue Bird have, I really do. But should things change and you want to live in hazy marital bliss with me for the rest of our lives like Tom and Rita, only say the word. Anywayyyyyyy. Best of luck in your lawsuit, you and the whole team deserve to be paid what you’re worth. I love you.) in a move that is on the same plane of charming as Tina Lawson always posting screenshots.
And before we go, a final moment of appreciation for his Instagram franchise wherein he poses next to a car that he does not own and says, “got a new car.”
Happy belated birthday to Tom Hanks, the only one among us who truly deserves social media.
Feature photo via @ritawilson.