Hello and good day, you good animals. It is I, a collection of elements that were once spread out across a vast and silent universe and one day came together in this improbably sentient, miraculously animate skin suit that is here interpreting the esoteric messages of those very same stars for you right now!
It is important to remind ourselves of how miraculous it is to be in a body during times like this, when the summer climate has reduced my body to an actual puddle of sweat sliming its way across town dressed exclusively in mumus and collapsing into chairs upon arrival to air conditioned buildings like an Auntie who was forced to take the stairs because the elevator went out. This is apparently what my ancestors worked for. The moral of the story? Nothing makes sense and it is too hot to believe in anything except spiked seltzers. Which, by the way, I have been chugging since I typed “hello.” I invite you mix yourself something bubbly too and settle in as we examine what Cancer season has in store for us all.
As always, these horoscopes are based on the knowledge of my main girl Susan Miller, the Lil Wayne to my Drake when it comes to star wisdom. They will be accompanied by cocktail recommendations based on the stars (you’re free to make them virgin as long as they’re still liquid-nitrogen cold). Because yes, we are here for astrology-based guidance, but we are also here to distract ourselves from the ravages of sweat stains and the wretched human condition that is public transportation in the summer. So raise your glasses and get to scrolling.
Oh my gush, Cancer!!! It is your birthday season and all the creatures of the celestial seas are rejoicing. Out there in the astrology ocean there are so many xylophone melodies and seaweed-based party decorations! And if you’re like, Sarah, chill with the under-the-sea themed birthday visions, I totally get it, but what YOU need to understand is that mystical sea creature narratives are the actual perfect metaphor for this month. There are a whole gaggle of eclipses in July (well, there are two, but they are whoppers) and you are one of the signs most touched by the energetic WAVES that are brewing. Perhaps it would help if you thought of yourself as, say, a red-haired mermaid longing for something more in life, or maybe Halle Bailey, also a mermaid, also longing for something more in life.
The first eclipse in the beginning of the month should lead to some big new opportunities swimming across your path, especially in the world of your romantic relationships. Like—say you recently met a love interest who has legs and not a tail and you’ve really been struggling to see how it could work out. The first eclipse in July is the time to be on the lookout for practical steps forward (such as contacting a sea witch about getting legs so you can take steps). By the end of the month, the lunar eclipse will call you to make a decision (such as whether or not it is worth it to wear bras not made out of shells and never see your magic merfamily again) but luckily, Suze says that you will have the clarity you need to be sure you’re making the right choice.
Happy birthday, I love you, forks are designed to stab land-food and put it in your mouth.
Signature Summer Cocktail for Cancer
Obviously something rum-based with so many tiny drink umbrellas and skewered sections of fruit that it is basically like a fruit salad. I’m thinking a Rum Runner.
Hello sunchild, you beacon of light, you show-stealer, you spiritual equivalent of a bomb-ass highlighter, happy July! Lean in real close child, because I have a secret to tell you. Well, I don’t have a secret actually, but I am here to tell you that someone probably does, and their spot is about to get hot because these eclipses are taking no prisoners. According to Suze’s calculations (doesn’t she seem like the abacus type to you?), the solar eclipse in the beginning of the month is going to affect you more than the lunar one at the end of July. This is because your sign is ruled by the sun, the queen of can’t-keep-her-mouth shut, and she’s getting her eclipse on in your twelfth house of secrets. So expect the stars to blow the roof off something in your life that has been kept just out of your line of vision.
But fret not, there is no reason to believe that this is going to be a bad secret, like your roommate has been using your toothbrush to clean the sink or something else that is totally unreasonable to worry about (according to my therapist). There could be a surprise party brewing to celebrate your one year of bangs-sobriety! Or perhaps a surprise party organized to celebrate your excellent new bangs! The universe is full of mysteries! Okay, but also I haven’t mentioned that we will be in Mercury retrograde all month. This means that communication could get a little weird—you shouldn’t sign any contracts or they might not pan out exactly as you planned, and if you get surprised with, like, car trouble, just take a deep breath and chalk it up to naughty Mercury.
Signature Summer Cocktail for Leo
Jungle juice. I think this recipe sounds effective, but get loose and improvise. Dude. It is summer and secrets and surprises are in the air. Why not go full throttle and just play a little hangover roulette?
Virgo! Oh it is so good to see you again you ol’ rapscallion! I hope that you have been filing your nails and combing your eyebrows because you are going to have all kinds of company this month. The solar eclipse in the beginning of July illuminates your eleventh house of friendship. Eclipses are known to shake things up, and after conferring with Suze, this shakeup seems to be exactly what you need in your social life. And if you are looking at me all askance (which I hope you are because you are so cute when you’re skeptical) while “No New Friends” plays in your head, I want you to consider that these new friends could bring not only joy and a touch of whimsy to your organized life, but also some interesting opportunities in business or travel.
Now, if there is travel on your horizon, I am obligated to warn you that Mercury is getting his retrograde on and things could be a little sticky. If you’re not attentive you could leave your sunglasses in that absurd lil seatback pocket on the airplanes that you are inexplicably told to “stow your belongings” in although they are so tiny that only the smallest, most easily lost belongings can fit in there. The moral of the story? Keep your new friends close, and your sunglasses closer.
In other news, the lunar eclipse on the 16th will light your fifth house of true love. There are indications here that some decisive action will be necessary in this arena. I can’t wait to hear how it pans out and I demand updates in the comments section, although I also accept postcards and messages conveyed via those sky banners that are like billboards attached to the backs of planes.
Signature Summer Cocktail for Virgo
You should run out right this instant and pick up some cola and red wine and mix yourself up a Kalimotxo, an iconic Basque drink. This libation is a surprising but delightful meeting of two delicious and different bevvies. (Like you and your new friends. See? Metaphors!)
Libra! You milkshake after dinner, you human fainting couch, you stargazer lily! What’s good my dear star-kin? No seriously, let’s list all the good things that are good right now. Megan Thee Stallion, guacamole, maximalist monochrome matching home decor, these recent whimsical looks curated by Harling, etc. You know what else is just objectively good? The effect that the solar eclipse c. early July will have on your career. The stars, according to Suze (which is what I would name her daytime call-in talk show if she had one), are pointing to a new career opportunity that has major financial potential, as well as the potential for lots of attention and praise. I know you love this because, let’s be honest, Libras would literally take baths in compliments if such a thing were possible. (I think that if compliments were a liquid they would be grenadine, right?)
Okay but here is the catch—I don’t know if you overheard what I was saying to Virgo up there, but Mercury is retrograding all this month starting on the 7th. This means that even though this new career opportunity might fall into your lap, be cautious about making things official until next month. If you can’t wait, that’s fine, just stay open to changes later on. Phew, I get so tired doling out retrograde warnings. I always feel like a wizened bridge troll hopping out from behind a boulder at everyone who attempts to pass and being like, “Nooooo!!! Ye must not travel while the spinning orb of the gods dances backwards lest chaos befall you!!” That being said, um, ye should probably not travel.
Overall, this month full of eclipses and retrogrades will not be a walk in the park, but on the other side of July you will be a wiser, stronger, more spiritually thicc version of yourself and I literally can’t wait to meet you there.
Signature Summer Cocktail for Libra
Oh, queen of any gender, do I have the friggin drink for you! It’s called the Summer Fling and it is rosé, lemonade, champagne, etc. This is what you need to take the edge off a difficult week, or just to match a good pink-toned going-out look.
Hello scorpling darling, may I just say that your exoskeleton is positively radiant these days? I sat beneath a giant quartz crystal pyramid and contemplated the messages that the stars have for you during this tumultuous month of eclipses and retrogrades and I have realized that the general vibe that you should be emanating this month is ease. Both the eclipses—a solar eclipse in the beginning of the month and a lunar eclipse towards the end of the month—will be very dynamic for you. Suze n’ the stars predict that you may very well get bitten by the travel bug under the influence of both these eclipses. And we’re not talking the “oh, let’s check out that cute antique store an hour away” kind of bug. No, we’re talking about bed bugs-level spiritual infestation with the urge to get out of town.
Now, scorpling, I’m very sorry that I had to pick the metaphor of infestation, and also I am equally sorry that I evoked the dreaded bed bug plague, but honestly there are no cute infestations, I looked. (and btw, friend, google image searching “cute infestations” is not an activity I would recommend.) Luckily for you, the new moon eclipse is in the water sign Cancer, which is super complementary to your energies. This suggests that you will be intrigued by whatever spontaneous travel plans show up on your agenda. By the lunar eclipse at the end of the month, you will barely have had time to unpack before you’re presented with another travel opportunity, this time maybe closer to home. In order to keep your head (or your cephlothorax, as it were), you must remain at ease and open to the possibilities this month, because a lot is coming at you. Thank you so much for stopping by, hit me in the comments with your choice of the most vacation-ready shade of toenail polish.
Signature Summer Cocktail for Scorpio
I have selected a pineapple peach vodka slush as your go-to drink for July. This drink is the (eurocentric) flavor simulacrum of the word “exotic” which will complement your travel-filled month. Plus it is a slush, because the slush is the ultimate form of summer drink and I love you.
Imagine yourself walking into an imposing office with a massive desk made of dark wood that looks so impossibly heavy and substantial you are sure that it will outlive human society as we know it. Behind the desk is a large oxblood leather chair containing a shadowy figure who is gazing out the massive office windows. Upon your entrance, the chair spins slowly around to face you, and sitting in that expensive-looking chair…is you! Only you look older, wealthier. You have massive shoulder pads, a large pinky ring, and a stern expression. Old wealthy you says, “I am glad you learned to time travel so you could speak to future you, which is me. Sit down child, it is time to discuss your finances, because one day all this will be yours.”
Oh my gush, do you have the chills? No? Just cold from the air conditioning? Fine. Well, not only was that the opening scene of my screenplay for a psychological time-travel thriller I’m calling, “Sagittarius in July,” but also it is basically what the stars are serving this month. Both of these naughty eclipses will be shaking things up in the financial houses of your chart. With the solar eclipse in the beginning of July, you will be spelunking into your contemplative depths to think long and hard about money—your relationship to the money you have right now, and how to make more of it. Suze sees that there might be some kind of financial windfall, maybe having to do with your family. So call Aunt Melynda and tell her how hot she looks on Facebook in all those new pics from her Boca Raton girls’ trip.
Be warned though: By the end of the month, the lunar eclipse might bring up some unexpected bills, so gird your loins and your money belt, just in case. Oh! And Mercury is in retrograde all this month so if that money is coming with documents you need to sign, try to push it off until August. Overall you’re looking great this month, Sag, and I hope you treat yourself to the finest caviars and spa days because you deserve it.
Signature Summer Cocktail for Sagittarius
Okay Daddy Morebucks, July’s Sag cocktail is the Easy Money Martini. Now, the ingredients, which are basically just chocolate liqueur and vodka, may not sound immediately enticing in the heat of the summer, but just think about how cool you’ll sound requesting it from the actual bartender. You can pour it into a plant if you don’t like it.
Oh you sweet cuddly sea-goat, welcome to the summer, or as we call summer around my apartment, Ol Man Sum-Sum. Cap, I have such high hopes for you. I hope that you have found the bougiest aluminum-free deodorant on the market with a rare and botanical scent at your local TJ Maxx for 70% off its retail price. I hope that you find the summer trousers of your dreams. I also hope that you are ready for all the intimate happenings that the stars have in store for you this month.
The new moon solar eclipse in early July will have you focused on your closest human partners. This could be your lover or, as we call those around my apartment, your lil romance buddy. It could also be your business partner or your closest collaborator. This eclipse is cropping up in your seventh house, where trés serious commitments such as marriage and joint pet ownership contracts reside. The lunar eclipse at the end of the month will be all about you getting real intimate with your own desires. Eclipses are known to really shake things up, to rock the boat, to crack some eggs, to do all those things various English idioms do to imply unexpected events that shift your perception. (Here are some new idioms along these lines that I submit for your consideration— to wiggle the toes, to drop some sushi in the soy sauce dish, to put some salt in the sugar bowl—please give feedback in the comments section, thank you.) Since both of these eclipses will have you considering if you feel fulfilled, it is important to be gentle with yourself and try not to react to the upheaval so much as respond. Yes, I am ominously suggesting that the stars are forecasting breakups and shake-ups this month, but they may not take the form you expect, and they surely will help you grow into your truest self.
Signature Summer Cocktail for Capricorn
My mother always said, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then, put some gin in it. No, she didn’t say that. But my children will one day say that about their mother because it is now one of my life mottos. This month may have some lemons for you Cap, but so many delicious things REQUIRE that lemony zing to really make everything come together. Like this cocktail, Cucumber Gin Lemonade. Without the lemons, you would just be drinking cucumbers and gin like a friggin alien. See? Everything is gonna be just fine.
Oh you dear sweet Aquarius, lil angel of the avant garde, pusher of boundaries, reacher for the stars, I hope that in June you found a signature perfume, got a free upgrade to first class at the airport, and got yourself some of those nice hangers made of wood. I wish this for you both because you deserve every good thing this world has to offer and because, according to the stars, the immediate future has some changes a-brewing on the home-front and I want you to be ready.
The solar eclipse on the new moon will ask you to consider your daily routine. How are you spending your time? If you were to do a pie chart of the things you gave your attention to every day, what would the biggest slices be? Perhaps your biggest slices include hours spent online shopping for wigs in order to disguise yourself so completely that your neighbors think that there are multiple people living in your apartment! Or, perhaps you spend your time trying to teach your cat to untie shoelaces because his little dexterous paws seem to be made for that task and since he’s not paying rent he better contribute at least some menial chores. Whatever your time pie slice might represent, the eclipse is pushing you to consider whether or not these activities align with your highest intentions.
Also important: Suze, has predicted that if there is anyone who has been doing some dirty dealings behind your back, expect that shit to come to light around the 16th. But my sweet human creature whom I love the way I love stranger-babies that I see on public transportation wearing just socks and no shoes because of course they don’t need shoes, I am sure that you will handle all this change with grace, dignity, and panache.
Signature Summer Cocktail for Aquarius
So it turns out that there is a cocktail named after pretty much everything, how exciting is that! When channelling the theme of your astrologically defined libation, I really found that grace is the word you need to swallow and then digest and let it be transformed by your organs and blood and stuff into full embodiment! So try this one, it’s called Awaiting Grace and it sounds rather adventurous.
Wow, I am so excited that we are getting a chance to chat, Pisces! I feel like we haven’t seen each other in so long and you probably have updates re: house plants and hot takes on the wrap dress, but we must save those for the comments section because I have big romance news for you. This first solar eclipse in the beginning of the month will be in your fifth house of love. With the eclipse in watery Cancer, the celestial energy is creating incredibly favorable conditions for you to thrive.
For you, this month of watery confluence is like when cynobacteria popped into existence 3.9 billion years ago and became the first living organisms on Earth! How so, you ask? Well, these v important early life forms were only able to exist because of the improbably perfect aqueous conditions. With your watery sun sign and the eclipse in Cancer, conditions are just right for your love life to experience a (algal) bloom that could really breathe new life into you (that’s what cynobacteria did that was so important—inhaled carbon dioxide and exhaled oxygen making the planet’s atmosphere hospitable to other life forms!). Wow I love talking about early life forms and bacterial generosity, but we must return to your astrological messages, Pisces, because I have more to tell you.
The second eclipse in Capricorn could bring to light some secrets or betrayals in the friendship arena. But, luckily for you, the Capricorn energies complement your own and this revelation will rather quickly work itself out in your favor. Last thing, don’t buy electronics, like an A.I. Bratz doll that tells you to loosen up and put on some eyeshadow, for instance, because Mercury is retrograding and likes to be mischievous with tech. That was so fun! I will super miss you so please come back with updates re: your love life in August and also hmu for more bacteria talk.
Signature Summer Cocktail for Pisces
Channelling all astrological and thematic information from your reading this month, I have decided that you should probably be doing jello shots. And I know you’re probably like, Hey! Libra got champagne! To which I’m like, life’s not fair buckaroo and you’ve got an eclipse in your fifth house so, like, you’re gonna be fine. Chew your jello shot and count your blessings.
Fire child, July is going to be quite a month for you. Let’s do your reading in the form of a sandwich—good stuff is the bread and challenging stuff is the filling. The big news this month are the two eclipses and Mercury retrograde. During the solar eclipse in the beginning of the month, you could see some major changes in your living situation or your home life. This could mean a renovation or an all-out relocation. And if you’re like, Oh no! I don’t have nearly enough hatboxes to safely move my collection of diadems and fascinators— don’t worry! Suze says that Uranus in your second house of earned income is shining some light on this eclipse so it is very likely that the necessary hatbox purchase will be at a much better price than you imagined.
That was the fluffy brioche of your sandwich. Now for the unhappy meat, say, a bologna? Or perhaps a very dry slab of turkey? Unexpected costs could crop up this month, especially related to artistic endeavors. Also, according to Suze, around mid-month you may be asked to take on some burdensome responsibility that you really don’t want to do but feel obligated to do. Watch out for that emotionally needy friend with the geriatric pet iguana, because you could very well end up footing the bill and doing the emotional heavy lifting for end-of-life iguana care if you’re not careful.
Okay last thing: Mercury is in retrograde this month so it might be extra difficult to lovingly communicate to the iguana friend that you think her lizard is a prehistoric monster sent into the future to be gross and disturbing and you don’t want to touch it. That wasn’t so bad right? Just some retrograde and hypothetical almost-dead iguanas to dodge!
Here’s the bottom brioche: July only lasts one month. Also, cocktails exist. See below.
Signature Summer Cocktail for Aries
The stars and I recommend a strong drink with a punny name to lift your spirits through July. Rosemary, Baby is a delightful lemony bevvie with the classy herbal addition of rosemary. An elegant drink for entertaining, or to round out the flavor of an unhappy meat sandwich.
You precious mammal with beautiful hands, how are you? I wish that we had planned this chat earlier because I think that you could have launched your career as a motivational speaker for all other signs due to all the work you’ve been doing this summer cultivating your most authentic self. We could have done goodie bags, I could have baked, there would have definitely been a theme, it would have been so good. But alas, here we are, and I must resign myself to personally applauding you for all the phenomenal internal innovation you’ve been doing since Uranus (the planet of unpredictable genius and creativity) entered Taurus in March. I am clapping in my house and my cat hates it because I think he envies the percussive potential of my furless palms, but you’re welcome.
In July, all this work is going to be bolstered and pushed forward by the two eclipses, both of which are happening in the parts of your chart that have to do with writing, lecturing, and basically just communicating your brilliance to the world. According to Suze, the solar eclipse in the beginning of the month is likely to open up the possibility for new opportunities, especially in the realm of communication, so be on the lookout for that kind of thing. Once you land your new gig, or really begin creating in earnest, Mercury retrograde has some challenging flies in your ointment. During a retrograde such as this, you will be prone to making little slip-ups. So make sure that you slow down and double check your details!
By the time that the lunar eclipse rolls around at the end of the month, you may feel a bit overwhelmed. But, in the infinite wisdom of the stars, you have favorable aspects for travel from July 16th onward, especially abroad. Why not take a wee galavant and refresh your mind? Suze and I think that would be great for you. Just mind the normal retrograde stuff, don’t lose your headphones or your passport and don’t buy any robots.
Signature Summer Cocktail for Taurus
In the spirit of celebration, and to make up for your big launch party as a motivational speaker that I botched, I offer you the Citrus Celebration, a cocktail that is probably exactly what you think it is. There is champagne, and vodka, and my apologies for being negligent.
Greetings airbaby, are you feeling the summertime nap vibes? I know that many people think of the colder seasons as nap seasons, but I go outside for like five minutes in July and then need to go home and take a cold shower then dry off in my sheets as I drift into a wee siesta. If you are also feeling these sleepy sensations, it may also be due in part to all the Mercury activity going on this month, taking your usual verve right out of you. All the signs feel these retrogrades, but Mercury is your ruling planet and so you are prone to feel a retrograde more than most. This means there are some hurdles coming your way, but with a little planning the worst of it will slide right off you like water droplets on a mallard. Ah, yes, that should be your inspirational animal this month, Gem, a mallard! Mallards are “dabbling ducks” which is the cutest phrase I have said all day. This means that to get food, they tip their little bodies face first into the water while their butts stick up above the surface, warming hearts everywhere. This is the strategy you should employ to get you through the retrograde. When you see new opportunities roiling below the surface this month, don’t dunk yaself all the way in, keep your butt above water and dabble for a while. Suze says July is all about watching and waiting for you, so be patient.
Around the lunar eclipse things could get a bit complicated in the matters of family and other people’s money, so be gentle with yourself and set firm boundaries to keep the stress at bay. Luckily, Saturn and Neptune are brunching in your fifth house of awards and honors, so even with the trying bits of July, it looks like your reputation and your career will be protected from any turbulence.
Signature Summer Cocktail for Gemini
The astrologically correct cocktail for you this month, Gemini, is the Fluffy Duck, for obvious reasons. Yes, it sounds delish, but also I hope that this drink will remind you to be easy and to keep dabbling your way through this retrograde.
Illustration by Audrey H. Weber.