Salutations Repellers! What a wonderful time it is here on planet Man Repeller. All the trees are flowering and the sidewalks are studded with sno-cone machines, which, fun fact, are the official summer snack mascots on Planet Man Repeller, where everyone walks around in flip-flops with rings of red or blue around their lips like bad lil kids whose auntie just let them go wild with the Kool-Aid. Long live the kids who went wild with the Kool-Aid! Please, join me here at the edge of the celestial reflecting pool (it is actually just a blow-up pool, but no matter!) and let us gaze into our futures with the guidance of the stars.
We have shimmied our way into Gemini season and there is so much to do! Lucky for you, when I say “so much to do” I mean that there are too many disco pool parties to attend, too many rollerskate-centered events, too many strange parts of your given city that are suddenly calling out to you saying, please miss, will you tread upon me? And although I am always a proponent of saying no to a bunch of stuff and laying on my cold tile floor in front of a fan while drinking probiotic beverages from a straw and texting people about how busy I am, this might be the season to switch it up and get out in the world. So let us move bravely together, away from our apartments, hand in hand, and emerge into the light of witty, flirty Gemini season to offer our glow unto the world.
As always, Susan Miller the Mothership, the Grand Tita to Cosmic Travellers, will be our source and guide for these scopes. And! As a special treat because I love you each so much, I have spent extra time sitting beneath a large quartz pyramid channelling information about your Gemini season power color according to your astrological needs this month. Ready? Come on in, the water’s fine.
You know what Gemini? It is time to have a gotdamn party. You should be celebrated. I wish you a parade of people that see and appreciate your dualities, and I wish for you to be carried atop their shoulders — no, actually, the birthday party that I see as truly befitting your recent hard work adapting to major shifts as well as your inherent spiritual excellence is a crowd of people who you think are hot and interesting hoisting you aloft and depositing you in different enclaves of cool people with different assorted snacks and games. That is what you deserve.
The last two months have been big shifts for you on the planetary scale. The celestial bodies told Suze to tell me to tell you that if April and May felt hectic and you saw a lot of upheaval, don’t worry. This is because you are moving in the right direction. All those plots you been plottin? All those metaphoric dream-fields you been weeding and watering? They are fecund. Yes, child, fecund — the nastiest sounding non-swear word in English (you may fight me about this in the comments, I am ready for you).
Think of your dreams like a wee basil plant that you bought at the Whole Foods intending to care for and water and be the kind of person that just whipped up some pesto. Only, in Gemini season, especially the first half of the month, the planets are supporting you in making big positive changes. That means that this time you won’t let the basil plant shrivel and die and then shame you from your windowsill for a month before you finally throw it out and release yourself from penance. You got this birthday baby!
Gemini Power Color For June: Neon Yellow. Like, blinding. Like, so neon yellow it is rude to go out in public in that shade. I want traffic to stop and discombobulated drivers to be like, Damn is that some kind of official roadwork person? Has New York revamped their construction worker looks? Oh no, it’s just a Gemini in June.
You sweet, sweet mammal. If you were here right now I would make you popsicles out of your favorite fruit juice. And if you were like, but wait Sarah, I don’t like popsicles, I have sensitive teeth, do you know what I would do for you? I would remelt the fruit juice and put it in a cup and let that cup warm to room temp and then place a straw in it for you. Honestly, this kind of tenderness is what you need after the beginning of this year which Suze was telling me was pretty dang hard on you in terms of relationships. I hope that right now you have a life full of people who would reconstitute fruit juices for you. If that is not (yet!) the case, fret not. Suze tells me that things are clearing up and that come July, you will have much more clarity about this relationship business. But, we gotta pivot now, Cancer, because even though the ol’ relaysh has been really drawing your attention lately, you got big things brewing in your work life.
Suze would like to direct our attention to the fancy footwork that Mars is doing in your tenth house of career development. When Mars is moving in this sector of your chart, it acts like that one friend who is an enormously gifted hype-man. Like, the friend that drags you out of the house post-breakup to go dancing and then buys you some violently colored shots with names like “zombie-brains” and when you’re really getting it on the dance floor your friend is just dancing around you shouting things like “OKAY! OKAY! UH-Oh UH-OH” and wiping you down and supplying you with enough audible encouragement that you feel like you are in a music video. That is what Mars is doing for your career right now. With this powerhouse planet on your side, you’ll have the energy, drive, and confidence to see your goals through.
Cancer Power Color for June: Red. Wear many shades of red, wear them all at once, procure the loudest cherry pie of an ensemble and stomp around town in it in order to bring luck and prosperity.
Leo, you spiritual lighthouse, you lantern in the window, you patch of sun breaking through an overcast sky, I have good news for you! June is your month off. Now, because I am not your boss, I can not actually enforce this proclamation. But! If you would like a note from your astrologizer (I don’t think I get to be an actual astrologer until Susan Miller agrees to hang out IRL and teach me her ways) to give to your employer, I would HAPPILY write you one. In fact here is the bare bones of it:
Dear Sir or Madam,
The Leo you have under your employ may not come into work for the duration of June because of planetary machinations and cosmological subtleties that would inevitably be far too nebulous and complex for you if were I to parse them herein. We would appreciate your respect for our privacy at this time. All emails can be directed to your employee’s junk folder and if you don’t like it you can get stuffed.
Sar, Man Repeller’s Astrologizer-At-Large
But if that doesn’t work, then according to Suze, you still need to find ways to play this month. And lucky for you, that is precisely why capitalism made weekends! July will give you plenty of time to do serious work stuff. With the Gemini energy floating around and amping up your inner fire, it is time to chill with the dearest of homies and give and receive love that feels like a vacation.
Leo Power Color for June: Prints. All of them at once. In June your look should be as playful as a newborn kitten that just found a box full of bubble wrap and catnip.
Virgo, y’all have the spiritual presence of a well-organized spice rack. Everything has a place and you are going to put that thing in that gosh darn place. This is a trait that you are known for within the illustrious astrology meme community, wherein I cut mine own teeth making jokes about how virgos are the sign most likely to have a scotch-tape dispenser in their own house and not just use their nail to peel the edge of the tape back every time. Please forgive me or my insolence Virgarino, the rest of us un-optimized sun signs can laugh all we want, but in June, your attention to detail and talent for order and the like will have you laughing all the way to your online banking app that you have surely personalized to make a pleasant sound every time you reach a new savings goal.
The moon in Gemini will team up with auspicious Jupiter to bring you lots of lucky energy in your career sector. Stay on the lookout for some intermediary that is drawn to your fastidious excellence. Shine your most square-toed business shoes and put your hair in the most austere slicked back style imaginable (for intimidating bossy vibes and also just because I personally love the business zaddy look and want to see you in it) and take the boardroom, or like, the coffee shop, or the torturously hip co-working space by storm!
Virgo Power Color for June: Black. Embrace an aesthetic that is somewhere between an oil slick, a solid wall of Onyx, and the impenetrable and encompassing darkness of a starless night sky!!!!!!! You should walk into places and have people around you be like, Oh damn I haven’t thought about The Matrix in years!
Hello my Libransun-kin, how you been, bluebird? Are you soaking in the rays wherever you are? If you are not, if you find yourself kept indoors by meddlesome obligations or you know, life things, June is a month to consider getting away for a while. This doesn’t have to be a trip to Greece to finally meet Lindsay Lohan and see what actually is up with her, although if you do I will send you my personal email because we MUST talk. You can do something much more intimate and still take full advantage of the auspicious travel energy. I have been doing these weekly little adventures called “Artist Dates” where I take myself somewhere that my inner child picks for me, and I highly recommend it. Think of it like sharing custody of your inner child and you only get Saturdays with them and so you gotta do whatever fun thing they want to do. My inner child wanted us to go pole dancing, so we did, and we both loved it! And being a Libra, you’re probably thinking, ugh Sarah, I just want to lay in front of the air conditioner and be fed grapes one at a time by a lover while another lover massages my feet, to which I reply, me too. But! If you are currently not busy doing that, then the stars are really pushing you to go on some outings. It could be v rejuvenating.
The planets also want me to tell you to make sure you put your goin-out shorts on around the full moon on the 17th because it will be a very lucky one for you. Jupiter, the giver of gifts, will be positioned just right to make this full moon a very happy one for you. Schedule a date, ask for a raise, and claim your abundance.
Libra Power Color for June: I see something breezy for us Libras this month, perhaps pastels. Yes. The pastel shade of any color will imbue our aura with the ethereal ambiance necessary to move with whimsy and verve. Which, coincidentally will be the name of my tap-dance duo. I will be Whimsy, currently taking applications for Verve. Also open to references for teachers who specialize in teaching adult women to tap dance.
Oh my dear Scorpling. I feel a special bond to you since we discovered together the weird and wonderful world of scorpion facts a few months back. Because of this imagined intimacy (I hope it’s not one sided though, Scorp! Do you feel it too? Meet me in the comments to kiki about scorpions so I know it’s real), I feel like I can be a wee bit presumptuous here and say, you know your negotiation skills are fire, right? Like, you know you could walk into a salary negotiation and the big wigs in their shiny buttons could be all like, That is our very best offer! And you would languidly hit your Juul and lean back in your chair and say, I think you can do better. And they would be all in a tizzy as your vaporized nicotine floated about their heads and you damn sure would walk out of that room with what you wanted. If this sounds like you, great, the stars are always right. If this sounds like some wild fun house mirror version of you, then listen here baby, it is time to unleash your inner wheelin-and-dealin, no-holds-barred, tycoon-on-the-move energy this month.
In Gemini season, Jupiter is sashaying through your second house of earned income, and Suze says that this signals a period of serious financial returns. Alas, no good thing comes without asking for it. So speak up this month and claim your abundance.
Scorpio Power Color for June: Neutrals and Nudes. Your whole look this month should just drip with nonchalance and elegance. From far away you want your associates to be like, wowowow look at that understated ingenue, the confidence, the grace. I want your coworkers gathered around the Keurig gossiping about whether or not you have come into an inheritance recently and/or assume you are planning a safari.
Okay buddy I’m gonna need you to come over yonder so we can have a private talk. The thing is, I don’t want upset the other starchildren. Now that I have you here, I want to start by saying that I love your shoes. Secondly, I need to tell you that although the stars do not pick favorites generally, they might be making an exception for you. Jupiter entered your sign a few months ago, and according to Suze, this good luck planet is seriously giving you a boost. She says that this will be the year your wishes come true. And we’re talking all kinds of wishes. This is the year that the planets are conspiring to help you find the last good manicure in the city for under $20 dollars.This could be the year you find your signature lipstick shade. This could be the year you finally feel ready to be the mother of an ethically raised teacup pig. According to the stars, this is the year where your self-belief is going to be your greatest ally. Jupiter could be shining light on you for the rest of your life, but no one is going to sign the motherhood papers (or whatever you have to do to own a tiny pig) except you! You must actualize all the blessings that want to come into your life by putting pen to paper, foot into outside shoe, fingers to keyboard, or whatever applies to your given situation of manifestation.
So now that we had that lil talk, the stars feel pretty good about everything else and I feel I have mostly done my duty as your astrological go-between. Oh! Watch out for the full moon in your sign on the 17th. Make big plans for this day, or keep your schedule open and watch for magic serendipity. So says Suze, so says the stars, so says I. Amen.
Sagittarius Power Color for June: Anything iridescent. I know that is not a color so much as a quality but please don’t be a stickler, Sag. I just want you to be constantly embodying the halo-like light that the stars are shining with all over your chart. Just picture yourself, shimmering down the sidewalk like a dragonfly wing! I love it so much already.
Hey there scamp! Is that you I see scurrying into the office an hour before the rest of the company gets there? Or maybe I caught you staying so late that you now know the exact schedule of the cleaning crew and have struck up a meaningful friendship with at least one of them? I would bet my bottom dollar that is you, Cap! It is just like you to be ever-industrious, ever-ambitious, climbing your way to the tippy-top. These qualities will serve you well this month when Gemini season brings you a sudden onslaught of work assignments that only you could do. This might feel like quite the balancing act, and there aren’t too many others who could handle it, but there is no doubt among the wise council of interplanetary astrological movers and shakers that you will rise to the occasion.
Gemini is a chatty sign, so this season, the new work on your plate may really utilize your communication skills. But it is very important you carve out some time to use your creative and communicative talents to do something that really feeds your soul! That private secret joyful thing that you do just for yourself. Here are some suggestions: embroidering your secrets onto handkerchiefs and then burying those handkerchiefs in the garden, drawing artful nude self-portraits, learning to make a souffle and then serving it to the strangerlady you see in the elevator everyday who still refuses to acknowledge your presence in said elevator, shave your cat into a dramatic summer hairstyle, etc! Please feel free to use any of these suggestions, or improvise on this theme! It’s jazz, baby! It’s all jazz!
Capricorn Power Color for June: I really think that a sunny yellow would not be too literal at all. I think you could totally pull it off and I think it would be good for you. I mean, nothing says “I am a creative child of the universe who will put my ambition into service for my dreams” like a good lemon yellow, am I right? Yes, I am.
My air-sign kin! Welcome to June! You know, the air sign fam, especially Aquarians, get a rap for being kind of aloof and cold. Now, I prefer to think of us as being charmingly eccentric and overall a cool drink of water, but everyone is entitled to their opinions I guess. That being said, the festive milieu of Gemini season will insist that you step out and grace the world with all the witty banter that you have been storing up for just such an occasion! Jupiter, the planet of goodwill and luck and tasteful charm bracelets, is in your eleventh house of friendship which means, according to Suze and also just my infallible intuition, that you will see an influx of new people in your life that you will want to befriend. You may feel the urge to host parties. If you are so moved, might I suggest a theme? A Miniature Party: Everything is tiny, snacks, plates, utensils, all of it. But also, all the activities only last for tiny amounts of time! Ten minutes of small talk while people chug tiny cocktails, then ten minutes of milling about the tiny snack table, then ten minutes of light dancing, followed by ten minutes of making out with a stranger in your own hallway, followed by air-kiss goodbyes to all your friends, and wham! Lights out before midnight! This is my ideal party. Please invite me.
Also, I would be remiss as your tour guide in the realm of mystic planet things to not tell you that Venus will be reclined on her fainting couch in your fifth house of true love for the next month or so. If you are in the mood for romance, this is a good time to make some moves.
Aquarius Power Color for June: Pale pink like the flushed cheek of Botticelli’s Venus. This month you can project all of the sensual radiance of a curvy lady standing in a shell. If I were you, I would embrace that.
You know that feeling when you’re on a bus and you can only see the back of someone’s head but you are just suddenly struck with feelings like, that is a good person right there. I can just tell by the way they are sweetly nodding their head to their music or perhaps a riveting podcast, that that person is a goooood person? That is how people feel when they look at you, sunfish. Being such a psychic and empathetic bunch, it is common for Pisces to feel a little self-conscious and maybe even occasionally a touch paranoid. I am here for two purposes this month– firstly, to give you resounding affirmation that people like you and think you are cute for sure (FOR SURE) and secondly, to tell you that if you put faith in your charm and abilities this month, the word on the celestial street is that the grand council of stars and planets will be more than down to help you get what you want in your relationships and in your creative endeavors.
Now, there is a wee difficulty that you might encounter relative to receiving all these nice things. Let me give you another illustrative bus-centered metaphor. You are waiting for a bus out of town. Suddenly, there are a bunch of buses all leaving town all going to different big fancy cities. You are overwhelmed by how many buses there are so you don’t get on any bus and then you are just stuck in town forever. You get a job at a diner, it’s fine but it’s not great. You say to yourself, well, a good small life is the life for me. You settle down with the wrong person, his/her/their name is Bo which was charming at first and now you can’t stand it. Eventually you develop a late night QVC shopping addiction and now your house is full of dehumidifiers and Easter Egg dyeing kits. You see what I’m getting at here? I’m saying that you must be decisive. Which I know can be hard, but with so many excellent possibilities trying to manifest in your life, you have to claim the thing you want or it might pass you by!
Pisces Power Color for June: Just pick one! And stick with it. Make this a month of monochrome gosh dang it!
It is so good of you to join us here, fire child. We were just sitting around talking about which fruits make the best festive bowls for summer gatherings. I am very much in favor of the pineapple, halved and then scooped out to accommodate a savory dish, a pineapple fried rice perhaps? What do you think? I know you might be skeptical about what this (very important) question has to do with your Gemini season horoscope to which I reply: C’mon Aries, you know me. We been through this baby, trust me. I will take us there.
See, turning a fruit into a bowl to serve other foods in (while often incorporating bits of that same fruit) is the ultimate act of having a familiar and delicious thing (fruit) while also having some other exciting thing (fried rice) at the same time. In a good fruit bowl, you encounter a festive mix of all the best things that either component alone could not offer you. That is what is possible for you in Gemini season! Both in terms of actual innovative uses of fruits with hearty exteriors, and in metaphorical life ways!
Here are the metaphorical life ways: The first 10 days after the new moon on the 3rd will have you itching for travel, and the stars say to scratch that itch. However, it is important that around the full moon on the 17th you make sure that you are attending to matters of the home. What Suze, the stars, and I are all saying is basically that even if you need to get out of town for a while, don’t go making any big impulsive life changes. Come back home and focus on taking the things that invigorated you out there in the big bad world into your lil nest.
Aries Power Color for June: Pink Camouflage. Again, I know this is not a color, but rather an assortment of shades of a color in a pattern that would theoretically shield you from view if you were hiding out among a flock of flamingos. But! In pink camo, you are getting the flamboyant mix of world-ready traditional camo and making it into something else entirely. See what I did there?
Hey there, you little lamb out to pasture, I heard that the last month or so was challenging, even though you had all that birthday luck flitting about your chart. According to astrology, this has been most obvious in financial matters. Which I know is so hard for you as someone who generally loves security as much as my cat loves peeing on the exact same place on my bed over and over and over again no matter what I do! Well, I have good news for you, delivered by the stars via our girl Suze’s seemingly boundless wisdom. June is a month where cashflow should be much less of an issue for you than it has been lately. With the new moon in Gemini, and Jupiter’s presence as the good luck charm of the celestial bodies, you need to keep your eyes peeled (officially submitting “keep your eyes peeled” for consideration in the Hall of Fame for Common Idioms that are Actually Disturbing if You Think of Them LIterally) for opportunities that draw on your communication skills.
Now, watch out for naughty Neptune this month, as it has a tendency to make things a bit foggy. Keep an eye on the money coming in and speak up for yourself. After a brief chat with the celestial powers that be, I am vested with the responsibility of telling you that you are really doing great and you deserve every bit of this good money juju on the horizon.
Taurus Power Color for June: Obviously emerald. Not only will this daring jewel tone in the middle of summer have people being like whattttt, but also I just feel like it will look great in the selfies you will take with your stacks of cash.
Illustration by Audrey H. Weber.