Well well well, here we are again you naughty mammals. It is I, astrologer-lite, horoscapist, baroque libran-at-large here on planet Man Repeller. I am here to bring you the tidings of Taurus season and I couldn’t be more hype because how could you not feel all tingly and excited this time of year!? Summer is not yet in full swampy-mouth-of-hell swing; it’s the chill, glistening, someone-has-a-hair-dryer-on-the-warm-setting stage. You can still wear cool outfits to work and not spend your mornings trying to decide how to make shorts look professional (should I wear leg makeup? Do people do that? Do you guys want me to try it out and report back? Also, asking for a friend: How many visible mosquito bites is too many for corporate America?).
So! While we are in summer’s sweet spot (hit me in the comments re: what “summer’s sweet spot” should be the title of. A lesbian erotica? An all-femme bluegrass trio?), let’s take this opportunity to access the sexy side of life. This season is all about finding ways to feel yourself — deeply. It’s about finding your ease and comfort, and locating your power in that chill place. Join me, upright mammals who are doing so, so good, and let us bask in the wisdom of the stars a la star zaddy Susan Miller as we hold hands and strategize for optimal Taurus season sexiness.
Oh hayyyyyyyyyy baby!! Happy birthday and I love you! Taurus, you are such a special spiritual mashup of comfy and sexy. You are like sumptuous silk lingerie worn while wrapped in a microfleece snuggie. You are like an evening spent kicked-back, Netflix and chilling with ya damn self, but you also got a yoni egg just chilling up in there, tonifying your yin and what not.
This birthday season, I want you to embrace this side of your nature. Few others can rival your skill for pleasure. When the new moon enters your sign on the fourth, it is a perfect time to prove it. Create a wildly luxuriant ritual. Have you always wondered what it would be like to take a whole ass bath in milk (or is that just me)? NOW IS THE TIME. The stars say you should have the right resources to buy gallons, GALLONS of milk! And that is a direct quote. From the stars.
Anyway, here is a direct quote from Suze re: the will of the stars: “This new moon will center your focus on your life and your needs. This is something you don’t often think about, but your birthday month is the right time to do so. A new moon is very powerful in the days after it arrives, and the actions you take in the two weeks that follow can affect you for at least a year, or very possibly forever.” So, milk bath, yoni egg and chill, whatever speaks to you and puts you in your most indulgent state of mind.
Affirmation for May: If it doesn’t come with whipped cream the girls aren’t interested.
Let’s not waste any time mincing words, instead let us think of our words as those pre-minced jars of garlic that you just scoop into the pan and get to the business. Here is the business: When the new moon in Taurus mixes with your particular cosmic chemistry, you should expect your mind to be working at light speed. The baby of the air-sign trio (Aquarians are the most grown, Librans are middle-grown, and Geminis are the precocious babies of the air-world), you will be bursting with inspiration and new ideas. But you gotta quarantine yourself, you human basket of glitter, because your best thinking will be done in solitude, and according to the planets and galactic advisements, you should take these thoughts seriously in May.
Suze is also not mincing garlic here: “Two big-deal planets, Saturn and Pluto, will be looking upon this new moon with kindness, so anything you begin after the new moon arrives will likely have profit potential, stability, and the possibility for longevity.” This is the time where your intuition will be loud and, look at me Gemini: Listen to her. She (your intuition) is a wise girl who can always be trusted, but she just got her life right, dumped that lame, and is now guiding you from her highest place.
Affirmation for May: Hmu in June, I’m busy building the empire.
Oh you industrious pile of star-stuff, you animate accumulation of mobile carbon, last month was a doozy in the career sector wasn’t it? But the stars say that you handled it and came out of the month shining like you shaved your whole body and got rubbed down in baby oil so as to slide down an oiled up slip-n-slide like a lil slippery snake. In other words, you done good kid, you done good. The universe has rewards for all your hard work.
This month is a joyous time, a time to spend with friends, to splurge a bit, and to apply some of your deep focus to figuring out how to have the sweetest month you possibly can. And the best part? Your main job is to be soft and open, like a soft shell crab, that has been opened…in a fun way… Suze says it better. After the new moon on the 4th, your 12th house of dreams and wishes sparkles. “This is the area where a dream can come true if you’ve been striving toward one, or even if you haven’t. Sometimes life brings happy surprises, and this could be one of those months. Keep the faith, dear Cancer, for life is getting better day by day.
Affirmation for May: Yes, Universe, I will have more shortcake, orgasms, and money, tysm for asking.
I am so glad I recently revamped my sunglass wardrobe, because so many areas of your chart are friggin blinding, babe. Most importantly, I hope that you have been curating fabulous leather briefcases in your online shopping carts across the internet shop-o-sphere, because your career is going to be commanding your full attention this month. Get creative with your career-related investments. Contemplating new business cards? Might I recommend juice boxes with your information on it in a color scheme that complements your overall Instagram aesthetic? Hot weather is coming and the girls are thirsty. Or, if you would like to keep it more understated, perhaps a tasteful flock of carrier pigeons trained to deliver small rolls of parchment with your name on it to the addresses of your business heroes and/or celebrity crushes? Those suggestions are open source, totally free, my gift to you!
Suze extends this gift to you, “…you must be ready to act during the week of May 4 to 10. Schedule a job interview, send a query letter, or if self-employed, launch an advertising, publicity, or social media campaign.” What I think she is actually saying is that she thinks you should do the carrier pigeon plan. Which makes sense. Don’t worry, it’s not all business and no play! In the first half of the month, make sure to get your fill of socializing. This could not only support your big career moves, but also give you some of that attention you know I know you need.
Affirmation for May: Everyone likes me and wants to give me money.
Greetings traveler, can I interest you in some celestial visions? Picture this: It is you, in jewel tones, your legs are bare and every bit of your melanin is shimmying under the sun. You are reclined on an expanse of sand that leads into a vast ocean. You have a personal basket full of tropical fruits next to you. When you’re hungry, you select a mango and peel its flesh with a glinting paring knife that has a mother of pearl handle. Can you see it? The stars say that this is the destiny you should probably be claiming in May.
According to Suze, your astral alignments are such that you should seriously consider getting out of town around this new moon. And sure, it could be a business trip (because this month is also v v v auspicious for your career) but Suze n’ The Planets (I will be emailing Susan Miller with my suggestion that she start an astrology-themed girl group under this moniker a la Josie and the Pussycats only instead of their outfits being pussycat-themed they’ll be primarily glitter-based) want you to dream big in terms of the grand escapes which are possible for you in May. She says: “If you could go anywhere, which location would set your heart on fire, dear Virgo? This is the right time to ask yourself that question, especially during a terrific travel month like this one. Don’t assume that any dream would be too big to accomplish—this month the universe will show you it loves you and wants you to have a change of scenery.” You hear that Virgo? Select your summer hat and get ready for adventure.
Affirmation for May: If the drink does not have a tiny umbrella in it, I’m sending it back.
Salutations my many-gendered Libran sisters! My ideal day would be to be in a TJ Maxx Homegoods full of Libras and we could all kvell about how affordable the Le Creuset dutch ovens were and stock up on large jars of bath salts and novelty soaps. If this also sounds like a lovely day to you, you’re in luck! Because in matters of finance, our TJ Maxx money is looking like it’s on the rise this month. Suze says that around the full moon on the 18th we can expect some good financial news: “On this same full moon, you have even more luck, for Uranus, planet of surprise, will send a beam to the moon, sending what looks to be very sweet financial news out of the blue.” (I am personally hoping that this means that my idea for carrier pigeon-based business cards really takes off.)
Also, IDK if you are also the type of Libra that gets far more hype about pre-date anointings and gazing at yourself in your vanity than you are about the actual dates, but whatever your fav part about romance is (mine is clearly the anticipatory body-oiling), the stars say that the first part of the month is the best time to make moves. For many of us, April was hard. The transitional season had us a bit out of whack: Maybe you accidentally left a taco in your car too long and now your car will smell like tacos forever; maybe you found the jeans of your dreams except that they fit the crotch weird but everything else is literally perfect; maybe you thought you were bangs-sober and then hopped right off the wagon and accidentally got some ill-fated fringe. Whatever the case may be, the stars see things turning around for ol Libra!
Affirmation for May: I am the lucky rabbit’s foot.
Okay so last month you had a lot of conflicting planets wreaking mundane havoc in your chart. Some things went well, others were frustrating indignities that you overcame against all odds because you are a strong scorpling with a firm and shining exoskeleton. But April was no joke for yall! It was like when you’re waiting in line at the grocery store after work and and you only came in for toilet paper and beans, but then you’re standing in line and you remember that in order to make these beans you need an onion, so you get out of line to go get an onion and then as soon as you get back in line you remember that you are out of garlic too! So you have to get out of line again and get the garlic and now you’re a sweaty mess and you feel judged by the cashier so you go to a different checkout line. When you get home, the beans are great! Grade-A house-beans! But it was no easy journey to get to your house-beans. That is what the stars were doing in April.
But you made it! In May, you can expect much smoother sailing. The beginning of the month is a primo time to get your pair-bonding on. Have you been thinking about getting a matching tattoo with your new boo? Have you considered co-parenting a cactus with your lover? Do so around the new moon on the 4th for ultimate star-juice. According to Suze,“this new moon will strongly encourage the forming of a partnership in business or, in your personal life, to get married.” All I’m saying is that I really would like to be invited to a summer wedding. Have gowns, will travel. Hmu Scorp.
Affirmation for May: If I get married I will invite my astrologer.
I’m gonna level with you Sag, although many of the other signs have received astral dictums to chill out, May is a time for you to get to work. This will be an exciting time, though! We’re not talking like, your office is converting to an open workspace and now somehow the company culture demands that you need to spend stressful 30-minute-a-day sessions with your direct supervisor engaged in full eye contact and personal growth discussions. It’s more like, this is the time where you will get noticed at the ol’ water cooler for your sharp observations and self-possessed je ne sais quoi.
This is where most of your new moon energy is going to be directed according to Suze: “The new moon and Sun will both signal Saturn and Pluto in your earned income sector (second house), which suggests that you will be happy to have the work, for you will be well paid for all you do.” With all of this good juju in your job, you will be feeling in need of some time with yourself when the full moon shows up on the 18th. Follow this instinct. According to Suze, “Steering clear of people who drain your energy or who sap your time by stopping by with idle chatter would be a good idea, for your best work, and best ideas, will emanate from the time you spend alone.” So shine up those loafers, buddy, you’ll be glad you did!
Affirmation for May: Sry can’t talk unless we’re talking cash and corner offices.
Oh gosh what are all those rose petals doing on the floor? Is that a room full of tasteful pillar candles illuminating the face of your true love? It just. Might. Be. According to the stars, May is going to be a juicy time for your love life and Suze says it might be one of the best months of your year! Right around the new moon, your fifth house of true love is blinding. If you’re single, this is a great time to meet someone special. If you’ve got some partnership things happening in the boudoir and beyond, the planets, via Suze, say, “Capricorns who are attached will join in the joyfulness of this new moon, too. If you are in an established relationship, you can find more time for the one you love, and chances are your partner will respond in kind, lavishing you with attention as well.”
Honestly the whole month is going to be filled with excellent celestial alignments for your love life. The 9th in particular will be the day to schedule that blind date, or maybe just put on your statement indoor date-hat (is it just me who believes that a hat brim about one foot in diameter or more is the perfect way to signal that you are in the mood for love?) and get out there! If you are not particularly in the mood for love this month, then maybe divert this energy to taking lucious care of yourself. This month is gonna be a sexy one Cap, so shave your legs (if you’re into that), put some Sade on, and smoke ‘em if you got em you naughty starchild.
Affirmation for May: I am a night-blooming jasmine and my wiles are irresistible.
Oh my airy friend, it is so nice to see you again. I am here with a Swiffer Wet Wipe and good tidings. The planets would like you to look towards your domicile this month. I hope that in May you are ready to throw all your windows open and let in the fresh spring air because now is the time to really dig into some spring cleaning, and I’m not talking about like the casual, “oh no my new lover Jimmy-John James is coming over in 20 minutes and he is deathly allergic to cat hair and I haven’t vacuumed in three years” kind of cleaning. I am talking about the “I just drank too much coffee and maybe all my friends are getting married and moving out of the city and my life feels slightly out of control so I must now frantically buy a bunch of kitchen organizers on Amazon and crawl around the house on my knees cleaning the baseboards” kind of cleaning.
Priming your space like this will open up your life for all the sweet abundant things that are coming your way this month. Suze wants you to know that, “You won’t only focus on your living quarters and family, as you will have much happening with career, money, and fun with friends and plenty of time for romance, too.” This month will also be an excellent time to socialize, especially in the beginning of the month. So start planning your themed house party now. Might I recommend the following themes: “Balloons!” At this party, the entire house is filled with balloons, everyone must find and wear those balloon hem dresses from the mid aughts, and there will be a variety of souffles. Or, if that is not really your speed, how about “Silent Disco,” which is self explanatory? See also: Ungulates Are Everywhere, Name That Smell, Murder Mystery: Zombie Edition. You’re welcome.
Affirmation for May: Out with men who have three first names, in with the mini souffles ramekins.
Hi angel, have you been eating good? Have you been taking real good care of your tender spirit? I hope that you have been spending some time seriously charging yourself up because this month has some electric possibilities for you. The whole vibe this month for you is travel and creativity. Have you been eyeing a retreat to that intentional community that combines two weeks of silent vows with learning how to spin pottery? Have you been considering starting a sculpture garden honoring the landmark looks from Beyoncé’s music videos over the course of her 20-year career? You know what they say, there is no time like the present to start sculpting at destination sculpting locales! I mean, it def doesn’t have to be sculpting, I just watched Ghost for the first time and am having a moment.
Overall, May could be one of the best months of your year according to the benevolent celestial bodies. Suze says it like this, “Life balance is sometimes hard to find, but it will be easy for you to accomplish in May, for you will be able to set aside time for family and friends. You will also be able to spruce up your apartment or house. Among the very best possibilities this month, you will have a chance to enjoy heavenly romantic moments, too. This has the makings of an ideal month for you, dear Pisces.” Suze loves you. Not more than I love you, but she does love you. That being said, I really feel like she is being unbiased when she tells you to watch out for very good times this month.
Affirmation for May: I am a psychic fish-spirit and I foresee only the best for myself.
You can exhale Aries, some rough months are behind you. I mean, according to the stars March and April were not all bad, but they were definitely intense like when you master a smokey eye and want to show it off at the Whole Foods but then you get to the Whole Foods and your look is like, not bad by any means, just a lot. And you, sweet flaming ram, are not one to shy away from being a lot, which I love about you! But May is time to focus that energy and let things flow. You will have a little breathing room in May to slow down and make choices that align with your highest intentions. Are those intentions related to securing a summer bag? If so, I have good news for you. Well, Suze does, and I am hear to carry it to you on an information-bearing platter: “Making more money could be on your mind with all you plan to do this year, and the new moon of May 4 in Taurus, at 14 degrees, in your second house of earned income may be the moment opportunity strikes.”
We’ve got a big tender full moon in Scorpio on the 18th. Use this energy to gather up the abundance that’s floating around with your name on it. Again, this is probs about money, which is always a good place to have astral benevolence congregating around. I wanna leave you with one more Suze nugget, “This full moon is sweet as sugar, and you will find it more stable and far more lucrative than previous lunations.” So by the time the moon rounds out, so should your finances. You been working hard — look at me Pisces — I’m proud of you bby besos.
Affirmation for May: **the full lyrics to “Money” by Cardi B**
So my dear community of hip, kind, star-dabbling sunfishes, it has been a real joy spending this time with you. I will see you in June for more hot star goss. Hit me up in the comments with your answer to the following poll: If you were busy writing horoscopes like a madwoman and your long-haired cat got into the open honey jar you might have been spooning honey directly into your mouth from, and now your lil best friend is all sticky and gross and won’t let you catch him because he is electrified by his sticky mischief, what would you do? Thanks in advance, I love you, you are doing so good.
Illustration by Audrey H. Weber.