BWREEHHH! BREEHHHHHHHHHH! BWREHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Yes, you pockets full of gumdrops, that is an assortment of letters I hope calls to mind the sound of a thousand air horns going off from some unseen location while you are in the club — NO! — on an outdoor dance floor. Imagine: There are ferns. There are tasteful water features. There is a fig tree — perfectly positioned so you can reach your head over mid booty-pop and bite a fig off a branch like a sexy and tender baby giraffe. Everyone’s butt looks great but yours looks the best. All the drinks come in the form of cute, miniature CamelBak backpacks (but fashion) so you can literally be hitting a gas-pedal handstand twerk while serenely imbibing a bevvie through your fashion/sport straw. You are wearing the best shoes you’ve seen all night and they, miraculously, do not make your feet hurt.

Can you see it? Can you feel it? Can you smell it? Good! Welcome. This is your life post-Mercury retrograde. This is what we are claiming for spring, OKAY? Aries season is not over yet so there is still time to step into the light with all that fiery diva, high drama, avant garde energy. After that, we get to make the transition into sensual and ambitious Taurus season, which will help us all to get grounded and manifest success. My immune system is going strong post my bout of late-winter psychedelically-high fever flu, the dogwoods are blooming and the spring makes my imagination especially fecund, so let’s get to horoscopin’ and see where we end up. Guiding us through the enchanted forest of astrology will be Aunty Susan Miller (or Tita Suze, Big Suze, The Suze Canal, etc.) — star-spangled godmother to all.

Aries

Umm hi, I feel almost shy even talking to you right now because I fan-girled very hard about your various traits recently and publicly. Although I am not too shy to wish you a very happy birthday. In fact, imagine me laying atop a piano whisper-singing happy birthday to you in that lowkey-vulgar-but-very-stirring Marilyn-Monroe way. Well, okay — perhaps I am not shy at all, just titillated at the prospect of telling you about April and maybe I’m highly caffeinated.

Let’s talk about this new moon in Aries: There is a lot of energy that comes with the new moon in your sign which you can direct in a variety of ways. If you choose to shoot your new moon energy beam at your professional life, the cosmic inklings might lean international and very fun because of Jupiter and stuff. Suze says, “The lucky planet will give you special help if you plan to travel internationally or want to attract a number of work-related international relationships.” The “lucky planet” she’s talking about is Jupiter. And I’m talking about quick trips to Latvia, serendipitous upgrades to first class, reaching into a refrigerator at the airport newsstand to grab a sad turkey wrap and accidentally brushing fingers with a fancy person who’s wearing a cologne that smells like moss and lemons in a hot way.

You may have some very difficult decisions to make this month, fire-ram, but you will be very supported by the planets and cannot go wrong. (Like, don’t eat that turkey wrap, but other than that, you’re probably good.)

Taurus

We said, BRRR, it’s cold in here, there must be some Taurus in the atmosphere! Have you heard that one before? Because as it occurred to me just now I legitimately felt like it had never been thought even once before, in all of the whole wide world of astrology wordplay.

Anyway, here is your horoscope: The beginning of the month will be challenging even though the retrograde is over, so don’t get too loosey goosey with your finances or international travel. But according to the cosmic vibrations as read by Suze, the weekend of the 13th will be a magical, serendipitous delight. Here is what Suze sees for you, should you choose to accept your blessings: “I see you possibly receiving a windfall of cash or a bargain, and whatever you are thinking about seems to be related to your home. You’ll find it’s an ideal weekend to see if you need to buy something to add to the security, beauty or comfort of your home. On the other hand, you could entertain in your home — throw a soirée or dinner party.”

See? A soirée! You could theoretically have a theme like “Rhymes with Soirée” and serve parfait, flambé, et cetera. You’re gonna be just fine.

Gemini

Oh Gemini. People often say that Gemini is super outgoing, which yes, of course you are, you human ice cream sundae, but I think that is a result of deep emotional intelligence. Can you feel me looking deep in your eyes, connecting sister to sister? I am really grateful that you came here to your horoscope section to hold my hand and sing me “Girl” by Destiny’s Child. Let’s hit a harmony one time: “Girrrrrrl, I can tell you been crying and you need somebody to talk to.” (I’m going through a breakup, how did you know?)

Thank you, I love you. Now, to reward you for your superb feats of friendship, here is your reading, which I am channelling through Suze while also maybe eating pizza and typing with one hand to avoid greasing up my laptop keys:

I have a gift for you because you have really been there for me through this trying time — Mars is gonna be in Gemini all month. This will bring a vitality that you haven’t had in a while (according to the stars! I would never accuse you of not having vitality because literally you glow). Suze says, “You’ve waited two years for this high-octane planet to arrive in Gemini to defend and energize you, so this is great news. Mars will give you courage, determination and drive and will favor you above all other signs starting immediately.” That’s awesome right?

What else? Socialize around April 5th (because: new moon), but watch your finances because Suze says Pluto and Saturn are doing a nasty tango in your house of credit cards, loans and taxes. Thanks sunflower, I’ll see you in May and at that point we can process your feelings and talk about co-parenting a cockatiel.

Cancer

Good day Cancer, I don’t know if you heard what I was talking to Gemini about, but like, I am maybe having a personal crisis and maybe I have been simultaneously writing these horoscopes and shopping for colorful wigs so that my ex won’t recognize me at the health food store.

Anyway, the new moon on April 5th will walk through the door of your tenth house of honors, awards, and achievements with a stunning manicure so as to emphasize the dramatic wave of a sparkling wand over this whole area of your life. Suze says, “This new moon buzzes with vim and vigor for Aries, and its ruler, Mars, is a courageous, entrepreneurial sign that teaches you to assertively go after what you want—it is the only way to live.”

So the moral of the story is that vim is apparently a word and to really go for the things you want this month Cancer. In your work life, watch out for sneaky snakes that want to steal all the shine that the new moon has brought to you (with it’s fingernails). Also, around the 19th take some time to care for home affairs. Text me if you need advice on throw pillow choices. I love you. Please don’t leave me.

Leo

So, Leo, being that you are traditionally the center of attention I will try super hard not to bring my personal life into this beautiful little space we are creating here for our private horoscope chat. We will keep this space pristine. There are floor pillows, there might be a hookah, there are microplush throw blankets but the lights are low so you can’t see them (because honestly, let’s just admit that they feel better than almost any other fabric when you need to be swaddled like a large infant and yet, visually, they make any room feel like a dorm room). Are you calm? Do you feel adored? Good.

I hope you have been drunk shopping on Amazon for weird travel gadgets, because April is the perfect time for you to go on a-traipsing, pussycat! March was far too heavy w/r/t business matters, and Suze has the following new moon news for you: “The April 5th new moon will be in Aries, indicating you are longing for an adventure that will allow for some physical activity in a setting away from your usual routine. Perhaps going on a camping trip would suit you, or one where you could do as many sports as you’d like on the trip. Aries is a fire sign like your Leo element, so you should find opportunities much to your liking.”

You will have the perfect charge of star-juice to grab the espadrilles or whatever humans wear on our tender, pointless feet, and see some world. Welp, we really did some good work here, kid. Have a ultra-fun month and don’t sign any contracts around the full moon on the 19th, because the planets said so. We’re all gonna be just fine.

Virgo

Hi friend, how are you feeling today? I am feeling much better than I have been feeling throughout the writing of these horoscopes. I got a nap in. I emailed my psychiatrist a single sentence that read, “how do I feel less” without punctuation, and then sent her another email being like, “oh actually I feel free, nvm!” so I’m doing fine now.

I want to talk about new things with you, Virgirino. I want to go to places that horoscopes have never gone to before. First let’s focus on your career. Here are some tidbits and odds and ends of astrological info that you are def going to need: Mars is illuminating your tenth house of awards and achievements from now until May 15th, so you gotta hop on that success train, junebug! Suze and I are not playing around on this one. She says, “You will have a chance now to set up a new two-year chapter in your professional life, as you will find it easier than usual to garner the attention of top-level management. If you can, also try for good publicity or an award by entering a contest, for when it comes to winning a new position, promotion, or professional recognition, the world is your oyster, dear Virgo.” Which means that you need to use this Mars energy window to take stock of how malleable your life can be and start radically changing things up for the better. Like an oyster would!

Here’s some other things you need to know according to Suze and the movement of the orbs of rock and gas and metaphor that we call planets: If you’re trying to do stuff like move in or out of a dwelling this month, try and do it around the 13th. Also, have a lil go-bag packed from the 19th to the 22nd just in case you’re met with some spur-of-the-moment travel plans. So the moral of the story is that April will be a whole month long and you’re gonna do great things and please please please stay vigilant with your sunscreen routine.

Libra

Hello fellow Libras, welcome, it is I, a double Libra (sun and rising). So just imagine that we are sitting in a tea room that is floor-to-ceiling monochrome. The air is filled with a delightful and unplaceable scent — Italian anisette cookies, perhaps? Is there a teak wood workshop somewhere in the vicinity? Maybe. It’s mysterious, it’s homey, we have matching outfits on. Now, before we move into the real meat and potatoes of our time together I have just one quick theory that I need you to confirm or refute in the comment section:

Libras like to match. We want to match our decor, we want to match our lovers, we are delighted when we meet a baby whose color pallet matches ours. I really feel that this makes sense with our astrological leanings, or maybe it’s my Gemini moon, or maybe it’s my sapphic disposition. Matching is just SO satisfying to my aesthetic desires. Am I alone?

Now that the theory has been proposed, we can move on to pressing issues of cosmic significance. As you probably know because you have presumably been a Libra your whole life, we were born under the sign of partnerships. This new moon in Aries is in a devil’s triangle with Saturn and Pluto that will bring some challenges to your home life, especially if you have a love-partner involved in your domicile.

It’s all gravy though, pudding cup, because whatever the new moon brings up, we can work through to completion with the full moon on the 19th. Suze says that “[with] a full moon in your sign, no matter when your birthday happens to fall, matters that are deeply important to you may feel like they are reaching culmination.” So April won’t be all rosewater and scented candles, but at least we had this special moment in our monochrome tea room, and I will meet you in May when we will hold hands and compliment each other’s bone structure.

Scorpio

Oh my gosh, Scorpio, all I want to do is lounge with you on a variety of victorian fainting couches and watch rom-coms while heavily sedated. But it turns out that that is not what the stars have in the cards for you, sugarplum. This new moon is all up in the work sector of your chart, which means that you will have all kinds of opportunities coming your way. There is huge potential for you to innovate and make big moves in your career, but it could get pretty heavy. Instead of our fainting couch party, Suze thinks you should get out and get sporty to blow off some steam (hmu with ideas for sports that can be played from a position of repose. I’m thinking maybe a very gentle game of air hockey.)

Anyway, Suze has other suggestions: “You will need to do something physical this month to toss off stress — hike each morning, go to the gym and lift weights, or go to yoga class or Pilates, also meditate or pray. Exercise and a little quiet private time for yourself in the morning or after work will be helpful for it will act as a valve to handle stress.” See, my precious baby Scorpling? We can still lounge. You will just have to plan around all the busy business things. And if you continue along this balanced path you will be sturdy enough in your emotion sack (that’s what I’m calling the heart from now on, do you love?! I love) to handle this full moon on the 19th.

Suze is directing our attention to Uranus around this time. She says, “Uranus is the planet of unforeseen developments and will light a fuse, and because this full moon will cut across the east-west horizon line of your chart, a very sensitive, powerful point pitting you against a partner, you will likely feel quite emotional at the time.” There could also be the revelation of a secret that you’ve been trying to keep under wraps right.

But listen, you’re gonna be fine. Just get a lot of rest, start doing some core work, and practice open, brave communication with your partner. I’ll see you in May, when we will both have a light tan and maybe we can hug a little.

Sagittarius

Greetings moonbeam, you rainbow in the night, welcome to April. I hope that wherever you are, you are about to pack away the winter coat and bust out the organza, which I am just gonna put it out there, is THE fabric for spring. My job here is firmly not to style forecast — I like to leave most of the style advice to the professionals — but I’m just inviting you to tell me one other season wherein the climate would be amenable to organza.

There are very social vibrations in your world this month, you charmer. Now, that is, of course, a very fun thing that I am personally super excited for you about. I would actually like to live vicariously through you this month, as I have a jam-packed schedule full of leaving hateful reviews on espadrille wedges that I have never owned because I’ll just admit it to you, Sag, that I hate them. I have never seen a single pair I don’t hate. But I am open to having my mind changed!

So yeah, live your best life this month — leave the house, wear an espadrille, be everything I cannot be, Sag. Now, be careful not to overextend yourself financially. Around mid-month things could get really tight, and you’re gonna need to prioritize. Suze gives this sage advice: “This month you may consciously decide to rank and perhaps reshuffle your priorities. If you have to give up something you want in favor of a top priority, my sympathies are with you, and I support you 100% for the courage of your convictions. The tight finances you feel now will be temporary.” So all things will pass, winter always turns to spring, Triscuits are a sad but fibrous snack, and at least we have each other.

Capricorn

Hey baby! Aren’t you glad that retrograde is over? I heard from some Caps in my life that this was an especially hard one. Luckily, the stars have aligned to give you a perfect window for a lil getaway. After a rocky retrograde you may be feeling like there’s a murky swamp in your inner landscape. If you can get away around the 6th — with Venus all up in Pisces’ sweet spot — you should be able to turn that swamp into the crystalline waters depicted on those fancy, environmentally irresponsible bottles of water. Are you tired of this aqueous metaphor? I am too. Let’s move on to the full moon.

Now, this is going to be a real tense time for you in the career realm because of Uranus and stuff. Suze thinks you could be weighing some big moves right now. Trust your gut, keep pushing through it. If I could, I would hold you in my arms like a wee baby and parade you around town introducing you to everyone as the most wonderful angel that has worked so hard and deserves to eat pistachio gelato for every meal. All that is to say, there’s gonna be a lot going on, and Suze wants you to stay on your toes. She says, “This full moon will have you looking at all you have accomplished over the recent years, and ask yourself, what should come next? Now before you start to freak out, there is such good news! At this full moon, you will have incredibly lucky help from Jupiter, in ideal angle to the Sun in your home sector and to the moon in your career and reputation sector. It seems a powerful person behind the scenes is impressed with you and will go out of his or her way to help you solve whatever sudden problem you will be faced with.”

Even if things are challenging right now, you need to know that there is a person sitting in her sleek office gazing out her floor-to-ceiling windows at the city, steepling her fingers, and thinking, Somewhere out there, there is a Capricorn who shall inherit my empire. Spoiler: it’s Meryl Streep. It’s always been Meryl Streep. She watches us all, and she has chosen you. Goodnight.

Aquarius

Oh you queen of any gender, it is so nice to see you again. I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages. What have you been up to? Have you been experimenting with your choice in hosiery? My astrological intuition tells me that you are considering finally just going for it — maybe pairing a frilly ankle sock with a homey, soft leather mule. I know normally the stars aren’t that specific, but I have been doing a lot of lymphatic drainage massage and auric rooting meditations so I am feeling particularly attuned to all of you, my star-kin-babies.

Now that you are sure you can trust my intuitive guidance, I want to tell you that you should go for it. Everyone knows that sock pairings project confidence and a firm sense of self. This will become important to you during this period as Mars moves into Gemini and strolls through your fifth house of true love until May 15th. Suze, who I imagine is always lymphatically calibrated to perfection, has this little prophecy for you: “If you are single and hoping to find the right person for you, Mars can bring you a fascinating love interest. Mars is currently in the sign of the twins, so you might meet two new people. You will want to circulate a lot in April for this will be a potent time of the year for you for that fateful meeting.”

Which is awesome, and I am really happy for you, and I am not jealous at all because although I am not a perfect person, I care about your well-being. I want you to have every single love interest. I feel like we’ve covered a lot of ground here, you have a lot to process, I have to go dry brush. Let’s meet up next month so you can tell me all about your torrid developments.

Pisces

Pisces, we meet again. I am so grateful that you have come to see me here. If you have been snooping on my private conversations with the other signs (you naughty fish), you’ll know that these scopes have been a journey. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried into our Triscuit box, we’ve discovered that Meryl Streep is behind the scenes guiding us through this stormy sea of life — and here we are. You look great. Have you been doing something new with your hair? Whatever you’re doing, keep on doing it baby because you are glowing. Maybe that glow is coming from all the gold piling up in your astral forecast for this month.

Suze spiritually conveyed to me that I must tell you that the new moon in Aries will be illuminating your second house of earned income. This means that everything is perfectly aligned for you to lock down some financial gains. Suze puts it to you like this: “If you feel you are due a raise and you work for others, this would be the right time to make your case to a VIP. If you are self-employed, start an advertising or publicity campaign.” Pisces, you know me, you know I would never lead you astray, you know that I have been doing a lot of auric rooting meditations, you can trust me. So please, take this opportunity to thrive. Put on a loafer, they convey power and authority. Send that email you’ve been sitting on. Walk into your boss’s office in those power-loafers and tell her that it is time all your hard work is recognized. And, if your boss happens to be Meryl Streep, just tell her I said hi and I love her.

What else do the stars need you to know? If you need to have a hard talk with a family member, do it before May 15th, and watch for a surprise travel opportunity around the 22nd. Phew, I know that that’s a lot to think about. I love you, your hair looks fantastic, call me when Meryl’s on the line.


Okay my darlings! That’s all for now. Sending all my love, one thousand air kisses and a few parting bleats from my airhorn.

Illustration by Audrey H. Weber

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