It is only for you, starchildren, that I would crawl out of the embrace of my weighted blanket, where I have self-swaddled due to a nasty bout of the bubonic plague (flu), and drag my winter-weary bones to the laptop to begin channeling sublime guidance and astrological hot takes.
As you might have detected from all the feelings welling up inside you: It’s Pisces season. As you may have detected from the number of times you’ve typed out and then deleted long, emotional texts to your friend/lover/mom about “feeling as if there are unspoken tensions that we really need to address in a non-violent, compassionate way in order to move into a deeper and more honest love,” it is a season of deep awareness, of intuitive expansion, of transitional knits — and I promise you that there is so much to learn from this liminal time.
Just as your layers will have one foot in winter and one in spring, Pisces season will push you to inhabit the liminal space between dark and light, between openness and mystery. Luckily, Tita Suze, astrology auntie extraordinaire, has provided us guidance this month that I will absorb and distill for you because I love you and I love your hair and your skin honestly looks so good.
Ed. Note: I wrote these horoscopes over the course of 48 hours during which the cocktail of flu medication I ingested became more and more, frankly, psychedelic. So if you happen to have shown up on this planet in the later months of the zodiac, well, strap yourself in, buckaroo, because things are about to get weird. Enjoy!
Happy birthday, angel! I am so glad you were born. And so are so many people. List them, like, now. Just take a few minutes, and watch that list grow like a heart-blessing chia pet. These people make up a net of love that is always there to catch you as you tightrope walk through a world in which you so often feel both here and not. You are often taking care of others, Pisces, but this is a month to let others take care of you. March’s new moon is engaged in some very cute choreo with Saturn and Pluto which signifies to Suze that, “you have some very influential friends who will want to go out of their way to help you”
Many other signs will experience communication and connection woes when Mercury goes retrograde from March 5th to the 28th, but you, rainbow-hearted sunfish, have such a glorious new-moon glow going on that Suze and I are not even worried about it. Like, of course don’t sign a contract or spring for a new holograph-producing pocket robot or whatever the kids are using these days during that time. But also don’t be surprised if someone lovely from your past strolls in offering you a shiny new opportunity. A planet in retrograde always wants you to review, revisit and renew. For many, this is kind of a downer — a necessary, fruitful downer. But this month, embrace it. You are a special blessed sea-psychic every month, Pisces, but this month that truth is really, really shining. Thank you for letting us bask in your presence.
Hey there firecracker. I feel like I am always telling you to chill tf out. And I don’t want you to feel like those inherent gifts of your nature — your strong will, your spontaneity, your dynamism, your fierce individualism — are things that need to be tamped down or made small. It’s just that that occasional tunnel-vision of yours can sometimes keep you from seeing all the good things that come with slowing down, with staying quiet. Do you see where I’m going with this? No. Stop it. I am not going to tell you to take a fancy oat milk bath. (Okay, well, yes, of course I do recommend you take a fancy oat milk bath because in the opinion of this humble writer of astrology-lite, they are divinely orchestrated, but that is beside the point. Focus, Aries!) I am telling you that Suze is telling me that you will be very tuned in during Pisces season.
I was all like, “Hey astrology, what should Aries do this month?” And astrology (using Tita Suze as its chosen vessel) was all like, “Pay attention to small signals you pick up from others, odd coincidences, messages from a dream, and the tiny, fleeting expressions on the faces of those you speak to this month. Your antenna will be very high now, and later you may be surprised at how accurate your inner voice becomes to advise you on what to do next regarding an ongoing situation.” To which I was all like, “Should I also recommend the latest trends in bath culture?” To which astrology said nothing, which I took as a resounding yes. So here we are.
Now, what about Mercury you ask?!?!?! Yeah, ol’ man Mercury will be retrograding all month. So according to astrology you will be feeling the urge to get your spend on, which is fine. But don’t buy electronic thingamajigs unless you absolutely must. Also, the retrograde is making communication as loopy as your white art-girl acquaintance with the overly-stylized baby hairs that, for some reason, just don’t look quite right (it’s bc baby hairs on white girls is racist, get with it people). Try and hold off on making any big decisions in the career arena until next month. Okay? Okay. I love you, it is okay that you haven’t called your mom back yet, every day is cheat day we’re all going to die so eat the dang bread, god bless.
Firstly, I am really really hype to tell you about Uranus. So, according to Suze, this oft-joked about planet will be entering Taurus for the first time since 1934 on March 6th. What does this even mean, you ask? Well, let’s turn to the Channel 9 Suze. (<– Say it out loud. It’s better out loud.) She says, “Uranus represents freedom and independence, so any condition or person that has held you down, hemmed you in, or kept you from voicing your true nature will soon be banished from your life.” Basically, it’s time to get free. The stars are with you right now Taurus, helping you shed whatever no longer serves you so that you can step more fully into your light.
Secondly, any casual follower of astrology meme Instagram accounts can tell you that Tauri are notoriously set in their ways. But this month, dear starbull, expect positive changes because of the aforementioned Uranial goings-on (please, at least let me have “Uranial”). This will begin with an invigorating jolt to your creativity, and from there spread through your life until all the junk that is no longer relevant is swept away and you’re left with a more evolved, more hydrated, more spiritually thicc version of yourself.
Thirdly, retrograde tips. So you know that normally we (me, Suze, astrology at large) would say not to sign a contract during a Mercury retrograde. Here’s your exception: If you’re returning to a project that you previously started but couldn’t finish at the time, you are allowed to pick that bad boy back up. And if you need to travel, just double check the seat before you hop out of the hover-car or whatever you kids are riding these days. Phew. That was a lot. But you deserve it. Because you are strong and sensual and I hereby grant you permission for whatever it is that you needed permission for. Ya welcome.
Hi Gemini!!! I am so happy to see you. It’s as if we haven’t seen each other in years and years and years and we both became aged in that elegant, eccentric, wise way and maybe we both got poodles but don’t know that we both have poodles because we’ve fallen so tragically out of touch. Then! One day as I was exiting the train, minding my own business, politely tilting the extravagantly large brim of my hat to get through the train door, who is standing exactly in front of me on the platform? It’s YOU! “GEMINI! Darling it’s been so long!” That’s what this feels like. And then you would be all like, “Oh, Sarah, I have missed you so much, and I love your boots!” To which I would reply, “Thank you, I am so glad I found you, because I have come all this way, through space and time to tell you that Mercury, your ruling planet, is retrograding in your career region, and that this is actually a super good thing. Also, I have a poodle now!”
Normally Mercury retrograde is a big ol’ bummer for us humans. But Suze says that this one could actually be really big in terms of your career: “Mercury, your ruler, will be retrograde in your career sector from March 5 to March 28, so the professional advances you see will be about projects you discussed with others some time ago, and much to your surprise, will now be revisited and likely approved and advanced.” Also, watch out for a call from someone you worked with in the past. They might just stroll back into your life and say that you are the exact person for a big job and no one else will do. This month will be one of the biggest, most sparkly months for your career stuff this year.
Okay last thing: Because of this interesting sashay that Uranus is doing in Taurus this month (for the first time since 1932!), you have a chance at something big. Suze has me shook with this news so I’ll direct quote her for you: “You will have a rare chance — perhaps the most impressive and important one in your life — to create something completely new and compelling through the written or spoken word, as an author, editor, publisher, podcaster, TV host, or through other means of harnessing the media. The caveat is that the message you want to convey must come from deep inside you, and it must be yours and yours alone.”
Look at me. Eye contact. You are perfect and those shoes you bought were absolutely the right choice. You got this.
Oh hi Cancer, it me, your friendly neighborhood astrology enthusiast who is currently binge-watching rom-coms and rom-drams on Netflix because she is ill and fragile-minded. I am telling you this because I needed a chill, subtle way to introduce this new game I have created called, “What Land-Animal Does That Male Heartthrob From the Early Aughts Look Like?”
An example: This is Josh Hartnett, he is in the film 40 Days and 40 Nights which, if you haven’t seen it, you don’t need to — unless you are looking for Catholic-adjacent sexual themes, levels of sexism expected from the 2000s, and the absolute pinnacle of normcore inspiration. You can play this game regardless. Hit me up in the comments with your land-animal pairings. And yes, there is a right answer.
Right, so why is this part of your horoscope? For the drama of comparison, Cancer! Playing the above game is the actual best thing I have done in 48 hours. You, on the other hand, have been doing so, so good. For the last two months, you have been running around doing excellent, impressive things in your work life. You were probably pretty tuckered out from all the goings-on of the beginning of 2019. But the tides, they are a-changin. Welcome to March.
Spring is coming and the stars are aligning in such a way that your money stress is going to smooth out. There are also very juicy planetary goings-on right now. Most notably the new moon in Pisces, supported by a bunch of other planets in your ninth house which rules foreign people and places, distant travel, international relationships, media and academia. Suze wants you to take advantage of this auspicious time. She says, “I feel going on a vacation now would be such a superb idea. Go with your steady partner, or with Mars stirring in your eleventh house of friendship, ask a friend to travel with you or visit a friend at your destination. Mars in Taurus will be a sensuous, warm, and friendly influence that will last all through March. You will step out more, see friends, and generally enjoy life more than you have lately.”
You’ve worked hard, Cancer, you deserve to have a sweet, lovely time relaxing with your faves. Good job being a person. I’m proud of you.
Hi Leo, how are you? According to the stars, you’re doing pretttttttty good right about now. And I really hope that you are storing up all that energy and using this excellent period of cosmic support to get your bearings. And, I don’t know if we know each other well enough yet for you to pick up on my general style of delivering challenging news, but, um, I just have a few teensy tiny things to tell you about some planet stuff that you will totalllllly get through and come out of on the other side shining, glowing, sparkling. I know this. I know this because I have the wisdom of the stars within me, and also a lightly hallucinogenic sense of optimistic premonition due to this high fever and the high dose of various adaptogen powders the internet told me will make me a better person.
Speaking of changes for the better, Uranus — the planet of sudden developments — is scooting into your tenth house of honors and achievements. This has the potential to bring the occasional hurdle into your life, but according to Suze, if you play your cards right, this also has the potential to make you famous. She says: “In the coming seven years, you will have the right platform to launch your biggest ideas. You can be as innovative as you please — even a bit rebellious and independent — for Uranus will cheer you on. Uranus teaches that you will sometimes need to break a few eggs to jolt people out of their work rut and sit up and listen. This marvelous trend ensures that others will hear your opinions and ideas.”
With all of this exciting career stuff happening, you might have multiple opportunities to sign contracts. Mercury retrograding creates all kinds of confusing smoke and mirrors which could make it very difficult to catch all the subtleties of a contract. Suze recommends you get a lawyer, and I would take her up on that. I would also recommend whatever combination of herbal supplements I just put in a fever-conceived smoothie because I am feeling verrrry interesting now. Come to the comments section and let’s talk about it over some Nyquil shots. (I do not condone the reckless consumption of Nyquil in little Victorian teacups while asking your cat to grow some thumbs and pour you another. Have I done that today? Yes. Do I condone it? No.)
Virgo, Virgo, Virgo. I not only have a new strain of some mutant flu virus, I also have very good news for you. Uranus, which is the planet in charge of surprising and shocking you, and not in the hi-we’re-having-waffles way, but more a you-forgot-to-turn-off-the-oven way, is moving out of your eighth house, the house of credit and debt and other associated bummers. This is big for you. This signals the end of a seven-year period of financial tumult. Things are changing for the better. March is going to be a time filled with collaboration partnership, maybe even a proposal? But chill out, you saucy minx, cool your matrimonial jets because marriage is still a contract and this Mercury retrograde is very into mischief regarding contracts as I’m sure the internet has already told you.
Let’s talk about how this collaborative vibe will extend past the romantic arena: You have a whole bunch of planets clustered in the western section of your chart which, I imagine, is the section of your chart that is like the secret airport lounge for people with whatever credit card those guys who work in finance always have. Or maybe it’s just, like, a Delta Skymiles level lounge. I really couldn’t tell you. In terms of astrology and in terms of actual airport decorum, I am the person falling asleep against the pillar with all the outlets just like the rest of the 99 percent, buddy. And yes, I did unplug your phone to plug mine in and then when I saw you returning to the pillar with a bag of pretzel chips clearly to retrieve your phone, of course I surreptitiously unplugged my phone and plugged yours back in. Because nobody is perfect, bro, and pretzel chips are dumb. Like, be a pretzel, or be a chip. COMMIT.
Right, so, the meaning of this extended airport/astrology metaphor is obviously to set up this wise star-thing that Suze has to offer: “With planets clustered on the western side of your chart, you will do best in your professional life by collaborating with others, rather than trying to take the lead. Gather a consensus by encouraging team members and subordinates to voice their point of view, then gently work to bring everyone on the same page.” Right? See how that airport digression was actually very illuminating and not the ramblings of a slowly boiling brain? I know you do Virgo, and I love you for it, seriously. If you don’t believe me, come to the comments and let me help you pick between selfies and/or which shoes you should wear with that outfit. I got you. Because I love you. Goodnight.
Hi Libra, it is I, a fellow Libra, here with messages from the cosmos. Now, we’re all Libras here in this section of the horoscope, so let me be honest with you. I don’t know if you heard, but I got me a good ol’ fashioned February bout of the bubonic plague, and all these horoscopes have been written under the influence of many homeopathic remedies and such profound feverish delirium. But! That is not to say that they aren’t full of my usual amount of insight gleaned from Suze and the universe and what not — I mean, look at the oracle of Delphi! She was notoriously super high on maybe a lack of oxygen (or maybe too much Emergen-C?! History doesn’t know!) when she made super important prophecies. Heck, she was probably a Libra too! Right. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way. You probably want some prophecies, am I right?
Okay so let’s get right to it because I might be passing away as I type. This month is gonna be mostly a grand time for us. Venus, our ruling planet, will be in Aquarius most of the month. Suze says that this is the stars giving us permission to engage in the following lovely list of things we like to do: “Have fun, enjoy romance, see friends, go shopping, take in culture, such as museum exhibits, have dinner parties, lunch with friends, and in general have a happy time. You can buy clothes and accessories, but you should keep the receipts for you may have to make an exchange (Mercury retrograde).” Ummmmm, cool, I love these things, thank you Suze and Venus.
But beware my many-gendered star-sisters, normal retrograde considerations are still in place: Don’t buy any electronics. You hear me? We must not buy small robots, or large robots, really — no robots of any kind. Mercury would simply foil all robot-related plans. And although these retrogrades infamously put a strain on communication, we have been advised to keep our communal Libran hearts open to past flames that might return to warm up our final days of winter. I, for one, hope that my past flame brings me some ginger tea and a hot water bottle. I hope yours brings you baklava and scented candles. May we all have what we need, amen.
Scorpioooo, Scorporino, Scor-pedo, what’s upppppp fam? Did you like the finger guns I was doing as I was improvising your new nicknames? I will take your silence as a “yes.” Now that we have this new level of intimacy, come on over here to my sick nest made of empty alkaline water jugs and abandoned watercolor paintings of my cat so I can speak frankly about your private life: According to astrology, this month is going to get very personal. The new moon is present in your fifth house, where true love and romance live as roommates. Or, like, as “roommates” in that steamy lesbian way. Nope. Nope. Sorry, Scorpling; I’m projecting. That’s just what my fifth house of true love and romance looks like. Please forgive me, I have been watching a lot of the Netflix’s sapphic section over the past 48 flu-ridden hours, ever since I got bored of playing my land animal/early aughts male heartthrob matching game — described for super-relevant reasons in Cancer’s horoscope — a few Nyquil shots ago. Now I’m just watching Carol and weeping over a quality of tailoring that may never be so prevalent again and the fact that I might die before I ever get to cup Cate Blanchett’s sexy snow-puma cheekbones in the palm of my hand. Dang! Sorry! Seems I’m still playing the land animal matching game.
Okay I’m back. Where were we? Yes. Your personal life. Suze says the new moon in your fifth house is sensational news if you’re single and looking (like I look to Cate Blanchett). She gives this advice: “You must go out and circulate. Leave the office at a decent hour and be eager to welcome new people into your life, as this is the most important new moon of the year to start a new relationship. Be open to those who are different than the picture you have held of the person you assumed you’d marry someday. You are most likely to meet at a party or other social event.”
This new moon is gonna be seriously so good for your lil heart, which is actually probably normal sized for our species. I’m sorry, I realize that I have no idea if you are insecure about the size of your heart. Don’t be! I mean, consider the robust, voluptuous size of your heart compared to that of a fairyfly, which has the smallest heart of any living creature and is actually a type of tiny little wasp. And when the sun, new moon, Neptune AND Mercury all arrive in the emotional, imaginative Pisces, you could not ask to be put in a better position for your probably totally normal-sized heart. Suze puts it this way: “Pisces and Scorpio are wildly compatible, indicating that you will absorb the beauty of this month’s lyrical energy easily and naturally. If you are already in love, you will have time now to enjoy one another and to bond closer.”
Okay? You’re gonna do great in March. If I make it to April, we can check in then and see how this all panned out.
- Here is a list of things I need you to know right now Sagittarius:
- Pedialyte does not taste good and I feel antagonized by the little teddy bear on the bottle.
- My cat is beginning to look like an elderly woman trapped in an owl trapped in a cat.
Going to the grocery store alone when you’re delirious on flu medicine is a bad idea and you might just spend $100 dollars on fish sticks like you are prepping for a very particular kind of apocalypse where fish sticks become the only legal tender currency.
Okay dude??? Now that all our cards are out on the table, I can get to astrologizing (doing astrology plus apologizing for my performance-art style approach to this month’s horoscopes).
This month you are gonna want to direct your attention to your domicile and the creatures that inhabit it — friends, lovers, children, mammals of all sorts. You have done enough for now in the world of work and everything is gonna be a-okay if you take some time to focus on your home life. Also, the full moon in Libra on the 20th is brimming with possibilities. According to Suze, “this may bring a lovely event and find you with a number of friends. You may be going to a wedding, birthday party, bridal or baby shower, or other gathering that draws many friendly people together. Some of the people you’ll know, and some not, and here will be a chance to make a new friend. This full moon will be a soft, gentle influence that you will enjoy.”
And then the next day, March 21st, Venus and Jupiter will be riding a tandem bicycle into your life — waving and tossing out free subscriptions to HBO (or whatever else you might like!). What would you like, Sag? Would you like Solange’s video for “Losing You” to project on the outside of your house every time your ex drives by? Would you like to be able to play the harp? Those are things that Venus and Jupiter would toss to you from their tandem bicycle! In other words, this should be the best day of the month for you. Suze explains it without being super weird and talking about tandem bikes: “Venus is the planet of love and beauty and has dominion over profit. Jupiter is Sagittarius’ personal ruler, and his job is to take good care of you. Jupiter rules happiness, expansion, financial gain, and good fortune. With these two planets (Venus and Jupiter) in conversation on March 21, use this day for a major initiative for the force will be with you.” Okay, Sag? I’m done.
Oh, my old friend Capricorn. So nice of you to visit me here in my sick nest. I assume you’ve come to hear about my fever dreams? Should I start with the one where I’m in the shower trying to take my clothes off but somehow more and more layers of clothes keep appearing on my body as if I have been cursed to become an extreme never-nude a la Arrested Development’s Tobias Fünke (who always has to be wearing that tiny pair of denim shorts, even in the shower)? Or do you want to hear about the one where my mother and I become literal snakes and try to swallow each others’ tails? Oh, what’s that you say? You are here to read about your horoscope! Oh you coy so-and-so, why didn’t you tell me sooner?!
I’m so glad you came over Cap, even if it wasn’t so that you could help me interpret my dreams, because the stars have very important things to tell you and I am happy to be their messenger. Do you feel like it’s time for you to take a break? Good. This new moon in Pisces on March 6th will land in your house of brief travel (read: glamping, intentional communities where everyone makes prolonged eye contact over the breakfast table, horse-retreats where you don’t actually ride the horses you just get to style their manes in preparations for their horse dance competitions, etc.), so get on out of town for the weekend, scamp! And maybe try to do so around the 11th, which would be the optimal time for a lil vacation (because: astrology).
You also have the full moon in Libra to look forward to this month. Suze says that this day could be very powerful in your career realm. Here’s her advice for how to harness that power: “If you are interviewing for a new position, you may win the big job within four days of this date. If you are self-employed, you are about to give yourself a promotion by taking on a new role, one that will require learning and advice from at least one expert. Or, you may now bring in a prestigious client. You can now bring in new business too, or develop a client who used to work with you and who is back now to resume the relationship.” So overall I’m not worried about you in March, Cap. Just keep being the strong, sensual sea-goat we both know you can be.
Aquare-bear! Heyyyy!!! I hope you had a super fun birthday and that you are sleeping on a silk pillowcase and working on giving yourself the love that you hope others will give you! These are not astrologically-based hopes, I just really want everyone to be okay, you know? I’m getting to the part of the flu where I just get super emotional and I will try really hard not to project. But you would tell me if you were mad at me, right? Right. Yeah, I know you would, I’m sorry, I’m just really fragile right now. It’s Pisces season, okay?
Now, for you, this month is gonna be a big one. Uranus, who rules Aquarius, doesn’t often change signs — but this bad boy is moving on over to Taurus. According to Suze, this means that some big changes in the home-sector are on the way: “You may move quite a bit or make just one big move, most likely to take advantage of employment opportunities…You may move to a foreign country and have the adventure of your life, or you may simply move across town, or you may decide to have two residences in your own country, for maybe one will be a vacation home.”
Okay, let me see, what else do the planets need you to know. Oh! Ol’ girl Venus will be in Aquarius for most of March which may have you feeling romantic and fun. This will be a good month to take a trip out to see a friend or someone who is maybe a friend and could be a lover (I am winking so well at you right now — I have been practicing, trust me, this wink is fire). Just be sure to keep your things close to you as Mercury is retrograding and what not. Also, I couldn’t figure out a way to work in a link to this excellent article about the origin of baby corn, but being that you love learning, you airy lil brainiac you, I figured it would be a disservice not to offer you this before I left. Good day.
Okay friends! That’s all for now! I feel like Leslie Knope in that episode of Parks and Rec when she flies back from London early and takes a bunch of sleeping pills and then a bunch of whatever Israeli fighter pilots take to stay awake and then she thinks Ann is a giant crab, only all of you are Ann and it’s like I’m staring out into a sea of beautiful, good-hearted-but-ultimately-terrifying crabs. Nevertheless, I love you, each and every one of you. I will be in the comments section for the various activities I proposed to all of you while feverish. Goodnight, and good luck.
Illustration by Audrey H. Weber.