Aries Divas Man Repeller
I Have A Theory About Divas (and It Has to Do With the Zodiac)
03.28.19

It is said that, in the very beginning, before the zodiac ruled us all via astrology meme accounts and monthly horoscopes, it was many gods and goddesses that ruled the earth and heavens.
And the god of spring was a giant, genderless ill-tempered baby just stomping around with its sticky little hands (can someone who has a human baby explain to me why human babies are always so sticky?) demanding that the earth do flamboyantly gorgeous and entertaining things to amuse it.

One day, said baby god began crying and would not stop. So the earth was like, “Oh my gosh baby lord, here are some flowers! And yes, of course we can make the sun stay out later, that’s no problem, we’ll talk to Jim over in the Winter Department and just have him hurry things up, ha ha! Oh yes, we hate Jim too. What’s that, smol god of mushy foods? You want someone to sing you a song? We can do that! No need to start smiting!”

And this is how and why the universe made Aries. The ol’ nothingness womb of timespace popped out the first zodiac sign, Aries (attached to humans born between March 21st and April 19th), to keep the lil deity bb captivated and quiet. So of course the fire-ram had to have a whole gang of shiny qualities, which is why you can now spot an Aries by their distinctive sense of style with a proclivity for head adornment. (For real. According to the planets, Aries are inclined toward cranial fashion statements, meaning human Aries must create maximum head-drama to compensate for minimal horn growth.) Also, look for an Aries at the vanguard — they are dynamic, impulsive, creative and magnetic. Of course, the lil lordt of spring was pleased, and us mortals got a whole bunch of these human glitterbombs.

I know, I know, you’re like, “Ohhhh, everything makes sense now, Sarah is an excellent astrologizer and the baby god creation myth is very clear and reasonable. I’m glad I came to read this because she seems really knowledgeable.” To which I’m like, “Listen here gumdrop! You don’t even know the half of it!”

I happen to be an absolute Aries acolyte. One of my best friends and the lady-ram I’m courting are both Aries (I PUBLICLY ADORE YOU). Which is how this whole thing came about — I was like, why are Aries bbys so vibrant and delightful? Which led me to discover a fact that should have occured to me immediately: Aries is the sign of the diva! There is a wild roster of Aries divas who have graced our world with their vocals and their whole vibe, a sampling of which I have included in the artisanal, free-range slideshow below:


For all the Aries reading this: I know you loved the attention and honestly I loved giving it to you. Please spend this season spicing up everyone’s lives with your spur-of-the-moment road-trips and decisions to start a blog centered around you visiting every doughnut shop in the region (it is pleasure month, and yes, I am winking at you. It’s a cool, encouraging, chill wink. I am very good at winking.)

For all the rest of us: Spring is henceforth claimed for high-diva drama. This is not just for the human babies that were born during Aries season. All of us can answer the call to be more assertive, more spontaneous, and far more committed to innovative head adornment.

Graphic by Madeline Montoya.

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