Does the Perfect Cotton Underwear Exist?

Great question. I don’t know! That’s why I’m asking you.

Harling thinks it does. She swears by Entireworld’s cotton underwear (it’s organic!), but when I asked her if it bunches up in her pants, she said “I’m not picky about a bunch, I don’t know why other people are” — which made me less confident in her endorsement. And yet, it does look great. And I would voluntarily throw out all of my underwear right now if I found 30 fresh pairs on my doorstep.

Doesn’t that sound wonderful? Aside from a spoonful of cookie dough and a kneading cat, I genuinely can’t think of a more delightful sight than a downright embarrassing amount of brand new 100% cotton underwear, offered to me in the congratulatory tenor of a graduation ceremony. I would dump my entire underwear drawer into the East River for such a gift! Not that I’m the polluting type.

I’ve been wearing seamless Calvin Klein underwear almost exclusively since I bulk purchased 20 pairs in 2014. And while it’s flattering and reasonably priced and delivers on its no-panty-line promise, I don each pair with the harrowing knowledge that I’ve been doing so for five years — five years! What’s the statute of limitations on underwear? If I’ve made six big life decisions in a single pair, is that too many? If I’ve entered the life stage wherein I care more about the pH balance of my vagina than how my butt looks, is that when it’s time for a change? I’ve never read a single study heralding 72% nylon and 28% elastane as the optimized recipe for vaginal health.

I’m ready to breathe! I want cotton. Clean, fresh, breathable cotton. And I want it to fit like a glove, sit nicely under my pants, look cute on its own, never cut into my skin, maintain its shape, tell me I’m special. I’ve tried to find such a pair over the years, but nothing is ever quite right. Am I looking in the wrong places? Tell me your secrets! I want to know everything!

Unless, of course, your everything is a thong, in which case I will respectfully disregard whatever you have to say, as we are of a different species.

Feature image of Iman by Francesco Scavullo/Conde Nast via Getty Images.

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