If you read the headline: Wouldn’t The Sheryl Crows make for a great band?

These repel-o-scopes are accidentally long this go ’round — it’s probably because I missed you in July — so I’m going to make this intro short: Mercury and Mars are retrograde, but remember that it’s not even close to the end of the world. It’s a little annoying, yes, and things will move slowly, but that means you get to, too. Lazy Sunday/August.

Besides, everything will feel better after the lunar eclipse at the end of July. Bonnie Tyler did NOT like that one. It was not her kind of bright eyes. Oh good, I’m already not making sense. Aren’t you excited? There will be one more eclipse, on August 11th, but it’s related to the sun, and you’re gonna love it.

Take this time to look back, reflect and enjoy this beautiful month ahead. Susan Miller and the Astrology Zone band (my all-time favorite — I’d wear the tee to their concert) wrote all the real ‘scopes, I digested Susan’s summaries and below you have what we like to call in the biz: an exercise in free-writing while hungry.

Leo

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GOLDEN SKY CATS! Your mane is looking as big as ever and glorious under that birthday crown. Do you eat sparkling sardines as a treat for dinner? That sounds like something a lion might like, although I do admit that I sometimes forget you’re a human whose sign is a star cat — when I write these, I picture you as an actual star cat, which means your first thought at the mention of sardines could have been, “Gross!” But I don’t know, I know plenty of people who love them. I’ll tell you what! I kinda like cat breath!

With that as our segue, let’s head straight into your August Birthday Horoscope:

Your work schedule has become “erratic,” to borrow Susan’s apt word, and that might be bugging your friends/partner, but you are on the CUSP of professional greatness, so communicate with your person about what’s going on, offer a sardine (or don’t) and hang on. Exciting rides are always a little like, WHOA, did I just pee myself or what?

If you’re waiting for the fun rather than the messy part of said excitement, August 11th: The universe has got you.

“In term of romance,” writes Susan, “Venus will tour Libra from August 6 to September 9, a perfect place for Venus to be for you. This graceful planet will be in your short-distance travel sector, so taking weekend trips would be the perfect way to meet a new romantic interest, or to bond closer to the one you already love.” I also know you know this but when Venus is around, doing her thing, the universe is practically BEGGING you to buy yourself something special, shiny and new.

You also have Mars in Aquarius in lovely angle to Venus on August 7th, a very sexy day for you. This day, August 7th, deserves four stars.

And in the meantime, I got you a slice of cake with your name-as-a-paw-print on it.

Virgo

Virgo-go boots, you had a rough last month, according to Suz, but hopefully that pressure’s already lifting a bit thanks to the passing of the full moon lunar eclipse on July 27th. And honestly, doesn’t it feel nice to know like, “Oh, so THAT’s what that shit storm was about.”

Speaking of shit storm!

Some things will still be annoying, like you may not feel very well at the start of the month, and you can blame Uranus for that. (You know, there is a very funny poop joke in here, but if you’re seriously not feeling well where bowels are concerned then nothing is funny, I get that.)

August 11th is going to bring about another eclipse, but you’ll like this one. Susan thinks it will encourage you to turn off and recharge in private. Hmm…sounds a lot like blackout month, methinks.

Also, though this *sounds* like a bad thing if you’ve been following along way too closely to my Planet of Butt jokes: “Mars will still be at sharp angles to Uranus,” it actually means you’ll be…let’s call it aggressively encouraged by the planets to act on something that’s been bugging you. It will be cathartic, and though I don’t see how these things are connected, Susan also said, “A business partner, expert you hire or your spouse (any person you collaborate with one-on-one) can now be the source of remarkable inspiration and transformation for you.”

Last but not least, early September should be super romantic for you!!!

(Don’t forget romance applies to getting romantic with yourself, too!)

Libra

Okay Libra! So the end of July wasn’t THE MOST fun you’ve ever had emotionally. Fuck the end of that month! Let’s focus on early August, after the few days (namely, the first) that were still affected by the lunar eclipse.

I’m more excited to talk about the partial solar eclipse of August 11th instead. Way more fun and friendly. For example, Susan said that the “solar eclipse of August 11 will be supportive of you and open opportunities to make new friends.” See?!

Meanwhile, you’ve got Venus in your sign from August 6th to September 9th. “This is a lovely vibration that will jazz your social life beautifully.” I’ll say! Just be careful about how you pack it in your suitcase. You know TSA.

Mercury’s currently in retrograde, but you probably knew that. Don’t make any super important decisions until the end of August. Do, however, celebrate the golden triangle between the Sun, Saturn and Uranus. If that sounds like a metaphor for your hoo-ha, great, celebrate that too. The reason we’re celebrating is because everything you touch where home is concerned will, as per the name of the triangle, turn to gold. Susan brings up leprechauns at the end of your ‘scope, and that is all I have to say about that.

Scorpio

Hi bowl of Scorpi-o’s! Cool if I eat you with almond milk, or will you sting the crap out of my mouth if I don’t use cow milk? I’m not really supposed to drink milk (ironic or not given that I’m a Taurus?) but if you say so, then okay!

Important, straightforward and straight-from-the-mouth-of-Susan words first: “We are in eclipse season and two of the three are cutting across your tenth house of career and fourth house of home, suggesting changes are bubbling up in both areas.”

Okay next: On August 11th, thanks to the partial solar eclipse, you’re due for some sort of massive career/finance boost — but Mercury is in retrograde, so no signing new contracts until it’s over at the end of August, okay? (But also, don’t listen to me. Approach all contract decisions with your usual amount of caution and consideration, get a professional to help you get organized with your finances, yadda yadda YOU KNOW ALL THIS.)

Ugh I think because it’s summer all I want to do is talk about love so I’m really excited we got to this point, finallyyy: “The full moon of August 27 will sprinkle you in silvery, glittery dust by Cupid and his little fleet of angels.” Susan wrote that. She is a modern day celestial poet and we are not worthy.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius, Sagittarius on the floor! And she’s dancing like she’s never danced before!

Neigh, neigh, neigh, let’s talk about your horoscope. First of all, we had the eclipse on July 27th. If that week — or honestly, the whole month of July — felt like a damn doozy, well, now you know why. Blame the planets!

But don’t shit-talk them too much, because the planets also do you a whole lot of favors and alllll of us know what it’s like to shit talk a significant other to friends because we’re mad then have to backtrack later like, “No, no, I swear they’re great!” Besides, on August 11th, there will be a partial solar eclipse that kicks all sorts of exciting things and opportunities into high gear. For you, especially pertaining to home and career.

Don’t forget that amid all that, we’re still dealing with Mercury in retrograde again (it’s fine; everything is fine) and Mars — one of your ruling planets — is too. Just remember that a retrograde isn’t necessarily bad; good things from the past can come back, but it does mean things move sloooooooooowly, according to every train in New York and Susan.

I’m so sorry, it’s so hard to concentrate right now. I’m writing this in the same room as a television that’s playing Drunk History and it’s really distracting because I love Drunk History so much.

Hey! And guess what! You’re going to have a super romantic, lovey dovey, hubba hubba early August when “Venus will glide into Libra.” Please do still use a water-based lube even though Mars has no water on it! Or does it?

Capricorn

Hi baseball Capricorn how are YOU ah-doin?

You’ll be meditating on money this month according to Suz.

Lotttta money meditating. I’m just scrolling through your summary, honestly…okay and on August 11th, a partial solar eclipse! Hip, hip, horray! Why? Because solar eclipses bring about really cathartic and positive changes, and YES I know we’re in the midst of a Mercury mo-flipping retrograde, but just remember, though it gets a bad rep, Mercury in retrograde is not solely an annoying thing that messes with technology, etc. It gives you an excuse to go backward, and it makes retroactive reach-outs positive ones.

Okay, so what about you? Well, the eclipse on August 11th could bring you money. Good job manifesting that during your meditation. And the end of August, the 26th-ish, is a good time to get away. “Choose a place with thundering white surf or a placid translucent blue lake,” Susan said, super specifically. It’s also a time to let your creativity and love thrive. Thrive, I tell ya! Did I tell you that Drunk History is playing in the background and someone is hiccuping and it’s making it hard to focus? What else is new for me though, I suppose. This is how I thrive. I also stand by the fact that the best compliment I ever received in the comments of horoscopes was, “These sound drunker than usual.” You have no idea!

Aquarius

Aquarius, I sang “Sagittarius, Sagittarius” to the tune of “she’s a maniac, maniac” but now that I’m reading your name and its syllables I’m like waiiiit, “She’s Aquarius, Aquarius!” sounds good too. I guess you can both share songs. Like a mash-up.

Little bit about me right now, I took a 3 a.m. flight and am so confused about when I last brushed my teeth and believe me, I’d like to brush them right now but I have no idea where my toothbrush is.

ALRIGHT let’s talk Astro-facts:

Mars is in Aquarius and it’s also in retrograde. I know that word freaks everyone out, but you don’t have to worry. Besides, this one’s out of retrograde at the end of the month (maybe it’ll finally stop wearing those teeny tiny ’90s sunglasses then).

Dates for you to know, because what the heck am I even going on about: There’s a partial solar eclipse on the 11th that will bring you help from a collaborator, and know that a collaborator could be anyone from a work person to a life partner — and this help may lead to good things.

At the end of the month, you’ll be hyper-creative. On top of that, money is going to roll on in. If you like love, keep your eyes peeled on the 7th. “Venus and her lover, Mars,” and please note those are Susan’s words, not mine for once, are going to get it on (“get it on” are my words) which means that you’ll have a magical air about you that’s likely to lead you straight toward your soulmate. Holy shit, I hope it’s Chidi!

Pisces

Hi cherry Pisces, I’m gonna try to keep yours through Cancer’s ‘scopes short because you’re probably busy and I’ve got a hungry mouth to feed: mine. So what does your doodle butt need to know?

WEll! Capitalized with the W and the E just like that, thank you very much. And also, if you happen to have been reading along all the other signs above when I was talking about having Drunk History on in the background, you should know that I am horrible at multitasking, and even worse than that, I truly cannot write my own name with something playing in the background. Not even classical music. I don’t know how people do it. I’m telling you that because someone just threw up on the episode I’m watching, and then I almost threw up, and that really would have thrown me off schedule.

So let’s stay on it, shall we? We shall!

Because of the retrogrades, August will be slow. Use that as an excuse to take it slow, too, and also to check the more monotonous things off your list.

The partial solar eclipse of August 11th will bring about exciting career opportunities. Oo-ie! YOUR CAREER IS ON A ROCKET TO THE MOON AND BEYOND. FOR REAL. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? WHY? THE UNIVERSE SAYS, “YOU TELL ME AND WE WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN!” Sometimes you need an all-caps moment.

Now, Mars is going to be in hard angle to Uranus (sounds like that planet needs to add more fiber to its diet!) which could cause a little discomfort (as one might imagine!), but it will also make you more creative, and in a twist I certainly didn’t see coming, it could mean that a friend will make you rich or something? I’m kinda skimming. But honestly, from the summary alone, it’s all great things!! Oh and by the end of the month, you might be famous. Just kidding about keeping it short!

Aries

Hello little house on the Aries! July was stressful so who needs to bring it up — the only reason I just did is because I think it’s nice to know you can point to the sky and be like, “The planets did it!” The great news is that August is amazing (does anyone watch The Kroll ShowI just said, “It’s ah-mayyyy-zeeeeng” in my head like Liz). (Yes those two links were meant to take you to the same place.)

There’s an eclipse in Leo on August 11th, which means romance, love, babies, partnership. Also speaking of love, have ye olde planet of surprise and butts, Uranus, receiving a beam from Saturn, and what that means for you is that any emotional life-related decision you make around this time will, per Suz, probably be “a solid one that will set up a firm foundation for years to come.”

It’s a time for friends, a time for snacks, a time for feeling like you’re finally taking a breather for once.

On the 17th and 18th, you’ll be feeling particularly creative, so put that to good use and break out the crayons. On the 19th, your career will get a necessary kick in the derriere, which bodes well for you.

Finally, the full moon of August 26th “will be a peach.” (Omg Susan is so cute sometimes.)  Kinda just had a weird creepy Nicolas Cage “peach for hours” flashback from Face Off, mentally blocking that, but what you can expect is an all-around brilliant end to August. Everything will be great, no exaggeration. So go out and celebrate for heaven’s sake, wear your favorite outfit!

Taurus

Mooooooooooooooo! Hello my fellow celestial cows. I’m super sleepy, so enjoy this ride we’re about to embark upon.

If I can be honest with you, when it comes to horoscopes, I’m not always what you might call a believer. I have fun with it, sure, and I blame the arrangement of the planets for a lot, but it’s always with a bit of a wink. And then inevitably, Susan Miller writes something that makes me think, “How’d she do that?” Exactly the same way that woman does it in the Mary Poppins advertisement on Taxi TV.

Susan said this: “As you enter August, you may be feeling uncharacteristically tense and high strung,” but then she says it’s going to wash away with the help of August. I swear to you that the moment August 1st pierced through the clouds I was like, “Ahhhhhh, relief.” And it’s not just because I had to pee the whole last day of July and kept avoiding it! It probably has almost everything to do with the lunar eclipse, if we’re being honest. Good thing that’s over — see ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya!

Now, sure, everyone could find a way to relate to this. But so?! Then that means Susan was right! Good thing I’ve gotten back into meditation for the millionth time. Let’s see if I do or don’t fall asleep.

Susan also thinks the 11th will be a little weird for us thanks to Mars, which I choose to ignore, but the partial solar eclipse on the same day will open up new paths anyway so eyes on the prize! This is a good one, I promise. You are the James Bond of your own life! Don’t forget to wear a seatbelt no matter how teeny the car! Jerry Seinfeld, I’m looking at you when you ask to borrow it for Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. 

There’s a full moon in Pisces on August 26th that will receive “comforting vibes” from Saturn — someone put that on a made-for-Instagram poster — that will make us feel back in control. Our creativity will be through the roof, and you heard it from Susan first: In the final days of August, go ahead and play hooky from the office and soak up the summer sun! Pretty sure you can show your boss this horoscope as a doctor’s note.

Gemini

Gemin-hi!

To get right into it, August is kinda a no-contracts month for you if you can help it for a whole bunch of boring celestial reasons. If you can’t help it, read the fine print and do a handstand or something. Also, you’re mostly off the hook by the 27th.

Don’t make major life decisions because of me, please!

But I do invite you do to things liiiiiiike travel on the 11th because Susan says it will be a nice time, or appear on television because Susan also seems to think that might happen. If you’ve been thinking about taking some sort of classes, that might be nice? Also you will probably get a huge award on the 26th! What! Cool! Will you sign my baseball glove?

The middle to end of August is really career, career, career, but in a good way. You’re leading the charge, my high-powered puma. And oh cool, look at this! “If you need money to make your home-related project happen, the funds will appear if you look for them.” — Susan

And they said money doesn’t grow when you spray Febreze!

I can’t really recall what she said about romance or friendship, but given what she said about every other sign, the planets, though sleepy, are super, super primed to make the end of August feel like one giant slice of delicious, satisfying, happy-ass watermelon. Bite into it and let the juice drip down your chin. Oh, but careful of ants! They are so cute but their crawling gives me the heebie jeebies.

Cancer

Cancer I LITERALLY just ate a crab thumb! Thank you for your gift to the planet.

Let’s dive right into August 11th since you’ve made it this far, shall we? If you’ve been worried about money, thanks to the eclipse on this date, you no longer will be! So you’ve been spending a lot — who hasn’t? That’s okay! Summer’s always a little expensive. (You’re investing in memories!) You’re about to plant some sort of golden bean into a very fertile ground, if I am reading this horoscope correctly.

I also may not be but I’m the woman on the keys! YOU CAN’T STOP ME!

The 26th will be a really lucky day. The planets are doing all sorts of things that make this an ideal time to kinda do whatever you want if you need heart-stoppingly-wonderful results.

Work-wise, there may be delays, but it’s just because Mars has been retrograde since the 26th, so once that’s over on August 27th, you’ll begin to feel things spin back into action. You’ll really get going by September and/or October, so trick or treat, smell my feet, give me my SPF30 please because right now it’s summer and I don’t know about you but the sun outside is calling to me way more loudly than my laptop. But back to you: You’re working hard and around this time, finally, PEOPLE WILL NOTICE.

Romantically (I am so glad you asked), “this area may prove to be the best in your life,” wrote Suz. Mars is making you feel sexy, your partner is being a squishy angel, and Jupiter, one of my favorite planets for all its gift- and luck-giving, is doing the worm in your house of love, which means that you’re bound to meet someone special if you’re looking and haven’t already.

The end of August is going to be the best. Play hooky as often as you can. OH and I forgot to tell you! I love your dress!

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej.

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