Sing me a song if you’re the pianowoman/consider the start of June the official start of summer no matter WHAT the calendar says. You can do that in the comments — that’s what they’re there for. You know what I’m “here for”?

All of this recent news about Pluto! It’s nonstop! It’s such a hot ticket internet item that there was even a “10 Things You Didn’t Know” article published about it.

In news unrelated to Pluto (but why, I know) I have something to tell you: July’s horoscopes will be penned by someone else while I “unplug” for a few days. I need two hands to double-fist hotdogs at all times and I can’t exactly type with my feet. Don’t worry or do: I’ll be back in August.

Okay, enough of the agenda reading. Susan Miller, are you ready? I’ve read your Astrology Zone ‘scopes and have distilled them down below, but I need you on the kick-drum, quick: IT’S TIME FOR JUNE 2018 HOROSCOPES!

Gemini

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEMINI FIREFLIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fireflies was meant to rhyme with Gemini but then I realized you can read Gemini as Ge-mini, as in, GE-MINI SKIRTS! GE-MINI DOUGHNUTS! GE-MINI HORSES!

Who knows what the “ge” would be used for other than emphasis, and speaking of emphasis, let me emphasize your birthday planets!

Great month for you and your career. Any traveling you do will be like feeding that career of yours fertilizer without the whole “poop” thing, which is the unspoken elephant in the room of fertilizer. According to my mom, horse poop is great for your roses!

That’s from the horse’s butt. This is from the horse’s mouth: “If you are single, Venus’ move into jovial Leo from June 13 to July 9 is good news for you. Your best time to meet someone interesting will be during that period, on a short trip to a nearby resort. Attached couples can revive their relationship by taking quick weekend trips as well.” Sounds like a real time to be alive in a party hat, if you ask me. Be careful about joining that club where people have sex in airplane bathrooms! I do not think it’s safe (you could get flushed down the toilet), nor do I think it’s legal!

Cancer

NOT to get weird but oh god, celestial sky crabs, I am so deep into that summer state of mind that just seeing your starry crab pattern makes me drool, even if it  looks absolutely nothing like a crab. I want to gently crack your claw and suck the meat off your thumb and I don’t care who knows it! They say you should never go grocery shopping hungry but I really should never write horoscopes hungry — in the SUMMER, of all places.

Apparently your work life has been “all-consuming” (Susan’s words; promise I’m not listening in on your conversations with your bffs), “but keep pressing forward because June is still due to be a highly productive month.” You are going to be a job-place celebrity!!!

You will get to chill on the 13th, however. Isn’t it nice to foresee some deep, deep breaths? You might get so chill that you get lost, however, so keep your phone charged in case you need to use Google Maps. Susan says space out your savings, too. Sorry that we both sound like your mom right now.

If you’re serious, you just might propose on the 27th. If you’re single around the 13th (that same chill day), feel free to propose too. Venus will be on your side so you might as well also get your hair done.

“You are a tender sign, dear Cancer,” wrote Susan at the end of your summary, “and that is what is so lovable about you.” I’m going to go out on a limb here given her use of the word “tender” and say that Susan may have been hungry while writing your ‘scope too.

Leo

Hello and hi to the coolest cats in the sky. Now tell me (or show me down below) what the humidity does to your manes? I bet it looks fabulous.

“Love and relationships will be front and center of your life as you start June,” writes Suz. There was a full moon at the end of May that might have, also according to Suz, pushed you to make a decision about a romantic relationship. It’s possible that you became engaged, or! It’s possible that you decided to join uncuffing season, which means you’re primed and ready for a summer adventure. Either way, you’re headed on the right path to get whatever it is that you want in love, even if you don’t know yet.

If you’re looking for a new apartment, look no further than Jupiter. You can’t move there, but this super cool planet’s going to help you find a room with a view and doesn’t charge any of those ridiculous finders fees, either.

The new moon on the 13th is great for traveling, and your social life is going to get more and more robust, as they say when they’re being dramatic and calling themselves “they.” Your career is also on the rise. I know it’s not your birthday yet and that’s killing you but man oh man are you having the best June ever or WHAT!

Virgo

Hi Virgos who can and can’t drive! I promise that by the time your month rolls around I’ll come up with a new salutation.

From Suz: “If you are eager to get ahead in your career, you must pay attention to June. You will get opportunities, but in each case you will need to examine the details, as you will be dealing within an environment of smoke and mirrors, and it will be up to you to separate truth from fiction. Who better to do that than an eagle-eyed Virgo?” OO!

So there’s that vague yet helpful tidbit. What you need to know surrounding it: dot your i’s, cross your t’s (but also cross your eyes because it’s picture season and dot your tees because polka dots are still “in” thanks to the 2018’s 1980s). Susan also thinks you should pace yourself. It’s going to be a head-down, get-things-done kind of month, but man are you going to produce some real gems — gems that you can stick in your portfolio and show the world that you invented jar-less mayonnaise, just when the world really needed it most, goddammit.

Toward the end of the month, you’re going to have to make a big decision about your significant other. Don’t let this freak you out! Anyone in a relationship knows that sometimes the most monumental decisions you have to make together often involves “What should we eat?” and “What should we watch tonight?”

If you’re single, have a Pringle and enjoy the hell out of the summer sun!

Libra

I’m LIBRA-ing, on a jet plane! Don’t know when I’ll be back again. Or something something never let you goooo.

How’s your June going, speaking of going? Also in terms of going places, I REALLY appreciate the ad for rock climbing/hiking shoes on Susan Miller’s website? Let me know if you see it or not — I might just be getting targeted, which is so flattering! This ad company things I’m a hiker? It must be because I’m currently eating some granola I just found in a desk drawer after a Cancer told me to stop dipping her thumb in tartar sauce.

“This should be a very sunny month for you on many levels,” writes Suz, “from career, creativity and job opportunities, and home-related developments, to romance, new love, and time with children. In fact, you may possibly hear of the appearance of a new baby in the family, bringing joy to one and all. June is your month, dear Libra, so drink it in and enjoy it to the fullest.” Would you like a non-plastic straw with that good news beverage? Do you even want me to tell you anything else??

How about dates? The first two weeks are primed for career progress. Meanwhile, June 1st (whoops!), 2nd (sorry!) and 22nd (there we go!) are ideal for capital L-O-V-E.

And just know that if you feel like you’re changing your mind a lot in the lovey dove-y department, that’s okay! Go slow and be kind with yourself. It’s the summer. I feel like “it’s the summer” is going to be my excuse for everything for the next three months and so far it’s working, so feel free to join me.

Scorpio

Hello you beautiful bejeweled brooch of a creature! Since you’re here with your stinger and your butt and your pinch-y claws (don’t worry, I do not want to eat those, but that’s just because I’m full on Cancer’s crab meat, thank you very much), you probably want to know what the month has in the astrology store for you!

WELL I WILL TELL YOU BUT I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT BECAUSE I JUST GOT HOME AND LEARNED THAT MY STASH OF “HEALTHY” PEANUT BUTTER CUPS IS GONE.

I AM THE CULPRIT.

IT WAS A SLOW BURN.

Focusing on June because this isn’t about me, it’s about you: There’s some boring stuff in there about how you’re going to get your finances in order at the beginning of June. Good for you! (Truly. That’s not boring, that’s smart. Almost accidentally wrote “adulting” but I can’t be blamed for that; blame social media and balance the shit out of that checkbook.)

Travel is in your sign this month so even if your boss said no to vacation time because you’ve gone over the limit, be like, “But my horoscope said.” Works like a charm bracelet.

Susan seems to think you’re getting married in June — literally or metaphorically (as in, married to your career, to a big new apartment, to a business idea, etc). Either way, around the 27th, you’re golden.

Sagittarius

Sagi-double-dot-your-eyes-and-cross-your-t’s, I talked so much about horses in Gemini’s blerg that I half-expected to see you pop out of the celestial woodwork. And yet you didn’t! Which leads me to believe you must be busy. Susan Miller sure must have been given that your summary alone was three pages. Speaking of good things that come in threes:

Threesome time! “As you enter June” (writes Suz), there will be “a rare golden triangle including your ruler Jupiter on one side, Venus on another, and Neptune as the third point of the triangle and together they will create a vibration of great harmony and beauty. This rare cooperation of three important planets will buoy your spirits and make you optimistic – and rightly so. You have much to be to look forward to in life.” Isn’t that nice? What does that mean, though? Truly, specifically, I don’t know, but the general gist I got about your ‘scope this month was that everything, from work to love to friendship to creativity — especially creativity, is coming up roses.

But to keep the clichés going: it’s not without some pedal to the medal. June’s the time to make some serious decisions. Not to be vague but YOU KNOW what I’m talking about. Toward the 22nd, an assignment is going to bring in a whole lotta money. And if you put in the effort now — toward anything, I guess, by the end of June, you’re going to feel “in sync with the universe.”

Capricorn

Hi Capricorn, feta and watermelon salad! Don’t you look delicious? You do too, Capricorn on the cob with butter melting off. OH I love butter. I’m so hungry. Like I said earlier, writing horoscopes hungry is worse than going to the grocery store hungry, but not as bad as the last time I wrote horoscopes, when the O of my laptop wasn’t working and when I brought my computer to the store the Genius Bar Guy was like, “Yeah, this laptop is fucked.” He didn’t use profanities and actually he was quite lovely but it was sad — it’s been sad! — because I’ve had the same computer since I think 2009. Am I still talking? Are you still reading? What the hell is going on with your horoscope?!

Let’s focus on the answer: You’ve got a big decision coming up on the 27th. It might be tough, but Susan says if you can remain practical, objective and unemotional, you’ll be solid. (That sounds hard as heck, but you’ve got those horns to keep you centered. I think you’ll be excellent at this. Besides, you’ve got Uranus and Jupiter on your side, rooting in your corner, massaging your shoulders, cheering you on and feeding you Gatorade.)

“When you have Saturn on the Sun, as you do now, in a once in 29-year cycle, you get to choose your challenge.” Susan Miller said this and I think it was related to the above, can’t totally remember, but man does it sound like something I want stitched on a pillow.

If work has felt slow in the un-fun way, that will change after the 13th. While things are quiet, use the rare moment to hang out with your friends. Jupiter’s in your house of bffs, which means whatever you two or ten decide to do together will be what we in the stars business call “magic.”

Aquarius

Cute Susan intro to June for ya here, I’m just gonna copy/paste it and drop it before we get into the goods: “The little cherubs flying around you are working to make sure you enjoy June very much.” Okay! And aw!

You’ve got Mars in your sign until November 15th this month and it’s making you a brave ass aqua bear. Even still, try to get all your work-work done before June 26th so that you can enjoy your July 4th vacation you have planned. (What are you doing??)

The 19th will be a really successful day, so if you can save a presentation or a phone call until this point, do it. I have a question for you about hair conditioner, by the way, which is whether or not you think I can use a hair mask in lieu of conditioner, because I’m totally out of condish and keep forgetting to buy it, but I’ve GOT TO wash my hair tonight. I can feel it getting heavier and heavier.

If you’re looking for a job, revisit people who you trust from your past to give them a whisper that you’re looking.

What else? The new moon in Gemini — June 13th — will be key for your romantic ambitions. In fact, why not just let Susan close us out the way she let us in: With a quote, of course! “The new moon in Gemini on June 13 will be the first and most important one this year, helping you to generate new love if you are single, and for adding spice to your relationship if you are attached. The Sun and new moon will light your house of true love. This is the first and strongest vibration you’ve had to enliven your love life this year.” Damnit! I’m all prepared to move on to Pisces but feel like that could have been a great vibrator joke!

Pisces

Hi rainbow fish! The person sitting next to me is watching a booooooring movie about airplanes but I guess it serves me right for writing at 10 p.m. When you write at 10 p.m., you rescind the rights to your stupid tiny remote control that always gets lost between the couch cushions. The only good thing about any of this is that I get to listen to the steady clip of Mid-Atlantic Accents.

What to know about June? Ho ho! “You will have time to have fun in the first week,” writes Susan, so breeze through this fast and get the hell outside!!! This mandated party is thanks to the threesome Venus, Neptune and Jupiter are having, creating what Susan calls “an outstandingly festive vibration.”

This vibration is gonna buzz whether you stay home and make a big decision or choose to travel and see what unfolds (watch TSA, though — maybe take out the batteries).

Mars is going to retrograde from June 25th to August 27th, so if you have any grand plans set between those dates, see if you can organize them so that they’re wrapped by the 24th. But don’t get weird about it. Sometimes planets don’t know shit. (Don’t tell them I said that.)

Where they DO know shit, definitely, is in your love life: Venus will be in your fifth house of true love until June 13th, according to Suz, so it’s gonna be a reallllllll romantic time. Eat it up. Here’s a spoon. Or a salad fork! Whatever your preference.

Aries

Fresh Aries! Man oh man is it good to see you. June’s gonna rule. Susan Miller guarantees it. The first two days were intended to be super romantic. Were they? I’d love to gossip about that with you.

If you need to travel, write, give a speech or sign a contract, June 19th is the day to do it. (Info once again c/o Susan.)

You know what you’re going to do a lot of this month? Nest. You’re going to move into an apartment, decorate the one you have, hunt for rugs, finally hang up pictures, clean out your closets, yada yada. How are you getting all the money for this decor stuff? Well, once again, allow me to be but a messenger:

“Abundant money appears to be flowing in, so concern about your monthly budget is not likely to constrain your plans – in fact, you may have enough saved up to buy a house, apartment, or summer cottage.”

You’ll be very popular this month. Maybe you’ll wear a sash! Enjoy the fun and soak it up. Not that the party has to end, but toward the end of the month, by the 27th, you’ll go into full career mode. “Early June and late September will your best time to make key moves in business, and in your personal life, too,” writes Susan. Can’t wait to CEO-ya on the beach near your new cottage in our matching sun hats!

Taurus

Sh, sh, sweet baby sky cows, I know it’s sad that our birthday month is over. Did everyone have a great time celebrating? I sure as heck and hearth (my new home decor company) did.

Here’s something I have never seen: Susan Miller called Uranus “the planet of lightning bolt change,” and while that does nothing except make me think of Sweet Home Alabama, she says it means that we’re about to experience “major shifts” in our everyday lives. The Butts Planet hasn’t been in our home since 1942! What if it doesn’t even recognize us?

What to expect during these wild times: potential moves, potential grooves, career changes, new homes. Susan says we’ll be successful this month but does liken us to bulls in china shops, which I would resent if it weren’t for the fact that I actually do not like to go into glassware stores because I suddenly lose control of my limbs and forget how to interact with gravity.

We’re going to be focused on money management during this time, getting stuff done before the 26th like everyone else (Mars is in retrograde), and, when it comes to love, though Susan doesn’t fully recommend starting anything new, she’s also not your mama. She is, however, a fan of the bulls, and with that, she wants us to treat ourselves to a massage on the weekend of June 9th.

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej. 

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