So Sorry, I Was Stuck in Traffic: Your March Horoscope Is Here!
Illustration by Cynthia Merhej 

My favorite meme-theme in the whole wide world is the one that taps into the old “I’m on my way!” lie when you haven’t even left yet and are definitely going to be late.

Speaking of late, horoscopes on the 9th of the month, eh?

Look, Mercury’s gonna retrograde on March 22nd, so I’m going to go ahead and blame my tardiness on that planet. Susan Miller basically told me to do as much (Astrology Zone plug!!!) and you know that I do what she tells me to. But just in case you’ve found yourself frozen, unable to move without the star’s guidance, how about I make it up to you — right now: you, me, a little astrology? There’s that toothy grin!

Let’s get this party started! Oh and because I literally fall asleep while typing about Mercury being backwards-ass, allow me to throw out a blanket statement here: do all your electronics shopping and ticket-purchasing now. Otherwise, you’ll be fine.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAGICAL (F)ARIES! I hope a thousand sprinkles and sugar balls tumbled out of your cake the moment you cut it, like they do from those viral Flour Shop ones, and I hope you caught it in time for social media documentation.

A recap of the last nine days: Thanks to the full moon, you probably finished a major project that resulted in great success. An annoying health-related matter likely came to a happy end. You may have received some cash. (God bless the grandparents who still include “walking around money” in birthday cards.) You also may have been invited to a party!

What to expect for the rest of the month: the need for a nap — and after March 17th, you’ll be able to get some rest; a serious career growth spurt is set to last until May 15th (“the coming weeks will be the most important of 2018 for career growth and progress,” per Susan, so make sure you act fast on the open positions you want); and finally, a hot-n-heavy (sorry) love life. Did “hot-n-heavy” make you think of Hot Pockets? Just wondering, also just wondering if you’ve had one lately and if they were under/overrated? They seem like a fast snack so why not, honestly.


Welcome to March or should I say, “Mooarch,” in Taurus-talk. Mooarch is going to be our favorite time of 2018, fellow bull-human-jelly-beans.

A recap of the last nine days: We had “wonderful developments to our emotional lives” thanks to the new moon (good lord, thank you), a romantic March 3rd and 4th weekend — kindly tell me all about it down in the equally romantic comments section, and one or more of you may have proposed to someone. I did not because I am trying to play it cool!!!

What to expect for the rest of the month: a moment of, “Oh shit, I’m spending money like I’m drunk at a bar and in a good mood, as in ‘SHOTS ON ME, PARTY FREAKS,’ only my bank account just told me I’m grounded”; a financial chill-out in response, probably around the 17th; a chance to travel (take it if you can); new romance around the 28th (if you’re not single, maybe just a lot of “REKINDLING THE FIRE” wink-wink-have-fun-be-safe); and on March 30th, thanks to Venus, an absolutely prime opportunity if not excuse to get our hair done and do a little or a lotta shopping.


Hi Geminini in a Bottle, Baby! I’m on a plane and the person next to me is snoring. Thought you’d like to know that detail about me.

A recap of the last nine days: You had a “joyous family event” at the start of the month (family barbecue or an aunt’s 90th birthday as celebrated on a cruise, perhaps?); you may have moved; you’ve hopefully been very happy.

Susan keeps saying that everyone is happy this month which makes me happy and I hope it’s true because if there’s one movie character in the history of the WORLD who’s me, it’s that woman who doesn’t even go here in Mean Girls with the rainbow cake and…whoa. IDK if you read Aries’ intro but I just had a life-changing realization and think that Flour Shop cake might be the manifestation of the cake that Mean Girls girl wanted to bake.

You’re lucky I’m able to keep doing horoscopes after that kind of revelation but I AM!!! Snoring seatmate on a plane, remember? He’s both distracting and motivating.

What to expect for the rest of the month: the best time in 2018 for career progress; a serious relationship commitment and a finally-completed major project.


I didn’t have one crab cake in Paris, I hope you’ll know.

A recap of the past nine days: You may have taken (or be planning) a short trip. If you’re planning a big one, however, wait until after March 17th. That’s it with the back-at-it stuff. Let’s look forward.

What to expect for the rest of this month: you’ll be “hungry for new experience and information,” so bring a toothbrush wherever you go just in case you’re chewing more than usual; romance — especially if you do plan that little bit of travel; a really exciting “media project” (sometimes Susan is vague and it’s nice to let it happen); a little home construction situation; your health or an ex driving you up a damn wall; a resolution to the last thing I just wrote that results in a “strong, nearly unbreakable union”; and who knows, you might just get back into waffles. Remember waffles???????


Susan wants you to pay attention to your finances, to which I say, “BOR-ING.” You might say “MEOW-RING” since you’re related to a cat, but if there’s one thing I was reminded of in Paris, it’s that everyone prefers you to just speak English if you’re going to accidentally give the wrong address three times in a row because you confuse the “teens” with the “twenties.”

Here’s what to expect for the rest of the month: Susan is “especially enthusiastic about your prospects to get a great deal on a mortgage or refinanced mortgage; talks of shared expenses between lovas; an opportunity to turn your creativity into a profit; a bump forward in your career reputation; romance as in romuntz-untz-untz, and romance of the TRUE LOVE variety. At the end of the month you’ll need a little nap, but you also might go to a rock concert. Susan said. I just sat here and binge-ate Meow Mix.


The beginning of the month has been busy for you! That must be because your star sign, Virgo, collaborated with Virgil Abloh of Off-White which means you’re a celebrity now. Don’t you worry about me, I’m not really keeping track of what I’m saying.

A recap of the last nine days: you may have seen “the fullness of a desire that is deeply important to you reach fruition” (ooooo-ie!); you may have proposed; your home life may have, out of seemingly nowhere, FINALLY started to feel “lighter, easier, and more enjoyable”; and you may have started to really focus in on a project that means a lot to you.

Here’s what to expect for the rest of the month: a permanent-good mood because of Mars in Capricorn from the 17th through May 15th; an itch to redecorate your home; a positive outlook on love; a readiness to find “the one,” have a baby child, or build a business; and, on the 28th, a big fat wad of money!!!


Hey Libra, so Susan seems to think you have feathers? Do you? That’s so cool, but she seems to also think they’re dragging. Are you hibernating? That’s okay!!! We all need to take a time out on occasion, stick our beaks under our wing-pits and fluffle for a bit until we feel cozy enough to come out on someone’s outstretched index finger again.

I used to have birds growing up! Rainbow and Webster, double-RIP.

Anyway, doesn’t mean you’re totally antisocial. If you get invited to a getaway situation before the 17th, you should definitely go.

Here’s what to expect for the rest of the month: March 17th through May 15th is the best time to sell your apartment if you’re thinking about doing that kind of thing; you’ll be supremely creative around the new moon of the 17th; go to the gym and the dentist at the end of the month; Libra will put “a big accent on your dreams and desires” toward the end of the month — you might feel overwhelmed in other areas, so breathe here, because these are exciting things, and see if you can’t get help; you may start taking piano lessons. Susan didn’t say anything about them but I thought it seemed like a nice note to end on.


Hey Stinger Pants! Better than Stinker Pants, am I right?

“When you eventually look back on 2018,” Susan writes, “you will view March as a magical month, one of your most romantic months of the year.”

A recap of the last nine days: You started with an enchanting full moon on the 1st; everything supposedly went your way thanks to the lineup of the planets; the full moon shone in your eleventh house of hopes and wishes; life was all around flowery and romantic. (Yes? No? This sounds lovely so I’m rooting for this truth.)

Here’s what to expect for the rest of the month: Susan really wants you to travel, if you can getaway; Neptune, the Sun and the new moon are going to work together to “set the stage for love”; if you want to have baby chickens of your own, now might be the time; your career will shoot forward like the star that it is and you are; there’s a “blue moon” at the end of the month that might make things a little tiring, but per Suz’s verbatim advice: “Certainly this is a month given over mainly to love and fun, so for once, let work take a back seat so you can enjoy those precious moments to the fullest.”


Oh Sagittarius, I brought a celestial apple with me, your favorite!

Did you read that in a sing-song voice? Do you think it’s weird how much I like your sign because I like horses so much? At first I was mad about Sagittari-ii because you guys get all the good astrologically-related logos and calendars and doodles, but then I realized, “If you can’t be them, join them,” so here I am offering you sugar cubes out of my palm and wondering if I can play with your horsetail.

A recap of the last nine days: Your career is more up than the Pixar movie (hey-o!) and everyone knows your name; you’ll make a lot of money; the man next to me is blowing into his nose so hard I’m scared for his brain.

Here’s what to expect for the rest of the month: Susan wants you to “toot your own horn” and celebrate your accolades, because it will lead to more of them — you’ve got a competitive edge right now; you’ll focus on redecorating and nesting; you’ll negotiate a beneficial contract (nice ’n’ vague); you’ll start getting into party mode even though you’re a little sleepy (take naps, please); you’ll need to be a brainstorming partner to a friend; and finally, on March 28th, you’ll “enjoy lighthearted mirth,” a sentence I am so glad Susan Miller wrote because we could all stand to work mirth back into our vocabulary!!!


I’m not saying you don’t, but if you had Capricorn horns IRL, would you pierce them, or would you let them be their own accessory?

A recap of the last nine days: the full moon of March 1st was “tailor-made for you” and made you smile a ton, apparently; your ninth house of long-distance travel sparkled; you may have gotten into grad school or something in that vein.

Here’s what to expect for the rest of the month: Hopefully better food than the weird airplane chicken teriyaki I just ate; a “big competitive advantage over the other zodiac signs,” thanks to Mars in Capricorn from March 17th through May 15th for the first time in two years (from Susan: “Use this time to launch an initiative that requires you have a lucky edge, such as a big interview…”); a lit-up career toward the end of the month and the culmination of a stressful, all-consuming project; a costume party that Susan didn’t really suggest I write about so much as she didn’t not tell me to mention it, so anyway, I think you should throw a costume party because why the hell not. I’ll brainstorm costumes with you down below if you want.


AQUARIUS I wonder if your name is to blame: I have had that “Barbie Girl” song stuck in my head for four days and I want it gone! I keep wanting to talk to you and Pisces about The Shape of Water and this so-called “fish sex.” I haven’t watched it yet which bums me out because I feel like it’s ripe fodder for these horoscopes, although this month’s batch has been a bit of a dead fish when it comes to the blatant innuendos. Oh well. There’s always next month to talk about Uranus and golden showers unnecessarily!

Anyway, here’s what to expect for the rest of the month: Ask for a raise on the new moon of March 17th — “it looks like you will get it,” writes Suz; you’ll begin opening talks for an exciting career move; your social life will be like PARTYPARTYPARTYDINNERHANGFRIENDPARTY, and you’ll be into it; after March 17th, you’ll be given the opportunity to go off the grid for a bit, which might be nice after that sentence I just wrote; use the end of the month to reflect, avoid travel if you can (Mercury in retro-lame) and reconnect with old flames — romantic or platonic. And hang out with your Barbie World friends!


HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU GOLDEN FISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS FOR YOU!!!!!! AND THIS IS FOR YOU!!!!!!! I literally just said this to Aquarius but my hands feel like hooves today (I am a Taurus, after all) so don’t mind the copy/paste and pretend instead that I put both of you on a group text:

I keep wanting to talk to you and [Aquarius] about The Shape of Water and this so-called “fish sex.” I haven’t watched it yet which bums me out because I feel like it’s ripe fodder for these horoscopes, all though this month’s batch has been a bit of a dead fish when it comes to the blatant innuendos. Oh well. There’s always next month to talk about Uranus and golden showers unnecessarily!

Work smarter, not harder, am I right, bubble breath?

That was a compliment!!! It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever come up with. I can’t wait to use it as a term of endearment again.

A recap of the last nine days: You may have gotten married, or you proposed, or you DTR’d — Venus is in Pisces so there was and is a lotta love and romance happening; you were very inspired, or at least the buds of inspiration began to bloom; you might have started to find someone to partner with professionally, too.

What to expect for the rest of the month: Start sending out your resume and making the most of ye old network; expect great news on the 11th (about something!); prepare for a cool opportunity in ~*media*~ on March 13th; you’ll have the best day ever on March 17th thanks to gift-giving, luck-distributing Jupiter getting the new moon all excited, which will result in a special new moon that you can use in any way you choose. “The actions you take immediately after that new moon appears will have far-reaching, positive ramifications,” Susan Thriller said. That sounds so exciting! I hope you’ll send me an old-school newsletter that I can tape to my fridge because if there’s anything I love more than good Suz and good news, it’s mall photos of my friends in turtlenecks!

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