I’m Obsessed With Reading Other People’s Horoscopes
02.16.18

I used to spend the entire last week of every month waiting for it to end so I could see what Susan Miller would predict about the trajectory of my life for the following month. At first, I thought it was just for fun — “People love being told how they are and what will happen to them!” I would say. “It doesn’t actually mean anything.”

But then it got serious. I wouldn’t sign contracts when Mercury was in retrograde (Man Repeller’s president, God bless her, can vouch for this clause), and I would blame it for technology woes or general malaise/a lack of speed around getting shit done. I would stay home when Suz suggested something bad could happen. I even bought flood insurance because she kept talking about water damage (I now realize I am delivering two Pisces children in the next two weeks, so maybe what she meant was to prepare for the storm! In a good way).

I had to stop. I outed myself as depleted of self-esteem last week so it should come as no surprise that having a disengaged third party tell you that you will or will not succeed in your effort to do X just puts too much power in said party’s hands. Couple that with the fact that I am on a fixed path, dammit, growing and building a business and family, and I just can’t risk any more self-doubt than the serving I am naturally wired to consume.

This, however, means nothing about the other horoscopes that I read. You can’t just turn a believer (me) into a non-believer (a better version of me), so instead of waiting for the first of the month to develop anxiety about my own life, I now wait for it as a way to devise anxiety for other people I care about.

I am not proud of this activity, per se, but it is similar to my relationship with self-tanner in that I can’t help how much I love it! As for the victims of my reading:

Abie

There have been actual periods of time where I have motivated Abie to make decisions heavily swayed by ~the stars.~ If, for example, his horoscope were to indicate that he would experience substantial benefit if he were to, say, cold call a media executive and ask for money, I would recommend he push his luck and get on the phone with Anna Wintour right away! He’s a Taurus — and so is Amelia, so my interest is vested in her, too, because she works with me. So if Suz says a Taurus’ business is going to fall apart, I have to stop and think: Wait a tick! That’s my business. On the plus side, no astrologer has ever mentioned anything about water damage for these young bucks.

My mom

Sometimes I just feel like my mom could use a little bit of help — or direction! — and I’m not sure if I’m equipped to give it to her without input from wherever Pluto is positioned in that particular moment. So I read her horoscope (she’s a Capricorn), and decide how I’m going to approach her based on that. Is it a stabby day for her, or is she walking on sunshine? Saturn just bid farewell to Sagittarius (thank goodness), and is now in Capricorn, so sometimes I wonder if she will spend the next three years crying as much as I did over the past three years. I’m ready for it if the answer is yes. (And for the record, apparently Capricorns have great big things headed their way! Maybe her jewelry business will really take off! Maybe she’ll buy me a moat with the earnings!)

My dad

Reading my dad’s horoscope is a habit I picked up when I was younger (like, 16) because the fate of my entire family seemed to rest in his hand. He was not just the primary caregiver monetarily speaking, but he’s also eons more rational than my mother and if anything happened to him, well, that meant the five people he left behind were wont to collapse as well. (I’ve since changed this narrative, FYI, but you can call this a glimpse into the timeline that commands the evolution of my neuroses.)


Isn’t it remarkable that I could take three disparate lives and make them completely about me? I probably need to cut the cord on this habit before Pisces is added to the equation and I have no time to do anything but read about what planets are doing on the first of every month. It just doesn’t seem efficient. But nevermind that — do you read anyone else’s horoscopes? If so, why? If not, why? This is a safe place, judgment-free and very forgiving! Share at your leisure (or withhold if you must).

Collage by Louisiana Mei Gelpi. 

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