I Got Back Together With My Ex. Would You?
02.13.18

An editor from a London newspaper emailed me a couple of months ago to ask if I believe in getting back together with old partners. It was a curious question given the context under which she emailed — she acknowledged the three-year hiatus my husband and I took between dating and marriage — but the follow-up questions (How did you surrender? How did you get back to feeling like yourself?) got me thinking: Would you get back together with an ex?

If a relationship ends before you want it to, and you force yourself to demonize your former partner because it’s the easiest ways to move on, or your friends come to your aid to supply a healthy amount of break-up shame by acknowledging everything about the relationship that was flawed to convince you that you’re better off…can you ever really recover from that?

We are, as the London editor so succinctly put it, “unhelpfully trained to think that love is black and white. [That] if someone wants to be with you, they will be. Otherwise, they’re an idiot and you need to move on.” 

But love is much more complicated and subtle and multi-pronged than He’s Just Not That Into You made it out to be. There are plenty of circumstances that call for the termination of a relationship even where there is still love. I don’t want to replay information you probably already have about the minutiae of mine, but it is worth reiterating that when Abie broke up with me, it shook my sense of self-trust and assurance to its core. Here my gut intuition had effectively promised me that I’d met my match, so for that intuition to then betray me, for Abie to call bullshit on it, was transformative for my self-confidence in that it took it from 100 to 0 in the course of a single conversation.

I think the important pieces of the London editor’s questions sit quietly between the lines. The truth is, I still don’t think I have completely surrendered; one therapist even suggested that my fertility issues were a function of my inability to let trust in, and if I haven’t completely surrendered, can I truly be my most authentic self? But the reason these questions are even being asked, I assume, is because the editor is looking for resemblances, signs from my story that may indicate signs for her unfolding story.

To answer my own question, of course you can recover from putting your ex through the break-up shame ringer. Had you asked me prior to getting back together with Abie if I believed in getting back with an ex, I’d have said no — that when it’s over, it’s over, and that it ended for a reason. But that would have been fiercely judgmental, the response of a person who had not lived enough life to recognize that you can’t answer that kind of question with such a blanket yes or no. Every circumstance is different, every relationship its own breathing organism.

What I can tell you though, is that even when you do, you don’t ever really get back together with an ex. After you’ve broken up, you can’t resume the same relationship because you’re no longer the same people. And for better or worse regarding the fate of said relationship, trust me when I say, this is a very good thing.

Photo by Evan Agostini/Liaison via Getty Images. 

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  • Alex S

    If my ex was Brad Pitt? Yes

    • ladybirda

      It would be kind of great if he and Goopie got back together. Or Juliette Lewis! Is she still single? (Quick Google) She is! But also a Scientologist?

      • Redheadhime

        Juliette Lewis is in a relationship (per her Instagram feed) but still a Scientologist.

    • Pamela

      Ask that to Jenn 🤣

  • Breezy

    No. Never. Dear god.

  • Adrianna

    Every relationship is unique, and I don’t believe in hard rules. (Some people will tell you getting back with an ex is always a mistake.)

    I have limited personal experience here. The closest I got to ‘getting back with an ex’ was the month my boyfriend and I didn’t speak after a fight via text. I didn’t officially break up with him in that moment because I thought it was insanely inappropriate to end a four year relationship via text. I do feel our relationship progressed to another level after we reestablished our commitment.

    My friend was in a similar situation, and her boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend twice over) slept with four women during the one-month break. I know it doesn’t sound very progressive, but that would be a dealbreaker for me.

  • Ugh, I probably would have when my high school boyfriend broke my heart, but I feel like when someone breaks up with you, you have the urge to get back together and then leave when you’re ready. It’s complicated and depends on the circumstances of the breakup. If we had a problem with distance, or work separated us for years, then I would definitely consider getting back together. But if the initial problems were related to cheating, incompatibility or other big issues, than probably not.

    Eva | http://www.shessobright.com

  • Amanda

    I have never been the dump-ee, only the dump-er so maybe that makes it different. I trust my judgement and know that if I break up with someone, I had a damn good reason for doing so. Therefore, even in my moments of doubt, I know that letting them back in would never be in my best interest. But I think if someone did break up with me, I wouldn’t take them back for fear that nothing had changed at all. Wouldn’t my same flaws still exist? I couldn’t let myself go back through the wringer once more knowing that it would hurt again.

    • Bmo

      I completely agree with this. I’ve only been the dumper and I can’t imagine getting back together with any of my exes.

    • I also completely agree based on the same experience (always the dump-er, never the dump-ee). I would never get back with any of my exes.

    • Miciah

      I’m thatt person that somehow ALWAYS gets back w/ this 1 ex that I know i shouldnt be with. what’s wrong with me? I mean seriously. We’re on a hiatus now and I’m determined to keep it that way.although emotionally I may be setting myself up for failure BC We talk everyday. HELP! (I have a really good reason to not be w/ him, but I still consider him 1 of my closest friends so its hard to cut the tie)

      • Amanda

        I can’t pretend to know what is right and wrong for your situation, but I think that it comes down to respecting yourself above all else and putting your own best interests first. When I know someone is a bad influence in my life or is holding me back, I cut them off. I’ll delete my social media apps or at least turn off the notifications so I can’t be tempted to check them or talk to the person. Whether or not you care for yourself first, that time will keep passing. But will it be time spent bettering yourself? Or time spent agonizing over someone else?

  • Elodie

    “Every circumstance is different, every relationship its own breathing organism.” Exactly! And as with any organism, it depends how you nurture, feed and protect it. Time and effort can heal a lot of wounds if they aren’t too severe.

  • K

    I think in the case that the break-up was to do with circumstances (which they often are), and the circumstances change, then yes. However, it also depends on how the two people act during the break-up and after it. I’ve been broken up with in ways that were decent, and ways that totally changed my mind for the worse about the person doing it.

  • femmemuse

    I’m unfortunately cursed with the “fainting on a marble staircase because our relationship failed” type of gal, because in my mind if isn’t a memorable type of love I’ll be telling my grandchildren at 90- I was never interested to begin with. So yes, I would get back with my ex because of this tragic uncommonness. It’s only until the universe gives me a concluding sign I was dating a human receptacle that I’m truly able to move on.

    But of course, if it’s purely circumstantial… I deem that not a part of the cycle I aforementioned.

  • You know how at the end of the movie Lala Land, how they have that magical flashback to the good and bad times? My friends all think it was their way of wishing for what could’ve been. I take it as acknowledging what was there and how it changed them.
    Relationships change us. So do breakups. If you respect your former partner and still feel connected, I think it would be possible. Especially if the breakup was on terms of “I’m not ready” or something not personal.
    I wouldn’t get back together with my exes because I broke up on the basis that I wasn’t proud to be associated with them. I knew I was settling and that’s not a thing to revisit.

    • Kiks

      “I wasn’t proud to be associated with them” — THIS.

      My husband, I am so proud of him and proud to be with him, every single day. He is the best person I know. (He also literally has a medal for valour, but that’s beside the point.)

      My two exes, I was with because THEY loved ME (of course they did, I’m fantastic) but looking back, they didn’t really fulfill me or even come close to being the type of person I would’ve wanted to build a life with. I know it sounds crazy, but I don’t think I ever trusted that they were fundamentally good men.

    • jugarboo

      Agree with you, but also with your friends—I haven’t been able to watch La La Land more than the one time I saw it in the theater, because that ending was so real and painful! Those flashbacks really happen. Just part of being a person, I guess.

  • Amy

    I dated my, now husband, (spoiler) for about a year before he broke up with me. Couldn’t commit. He went away and dated around and eventually, after both of us dated other people, and we were platonic friends for a while, we got back together and got married. (That was the super reader’s digest, of course). We’ve been married now for 15 years.

    When we first got back together my friends rolled their eyes and said he’d never marry me. But here we are. With a kid getting ready to enter high school…and a lot of tears, and a couple of remodels under our belts.

    I agree with the person who said that every relationship is a living organism. Always growing, changing, moving good and bad. It’s also like your birth plan (this is for Leandra)–don’t get too attached because life has a way of intervening in ways you will never expect.

    • Kattigans

      Same, my boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up last summer and got back together after a few months apart. I view the break up as necessary. He broke up with me but the relationship overall wasn’t working. Getting back together has us in such a better and different place. Never say never!

      • Amy

        Exactly. I think sometimes it can help clarify things.

        • Kattigans

          I also think if two people who break up want to get back together and commit to making it work like letting the past go and starting over then hey! that really shows commitment! Heartbreak once over is hard enough.

      • Clark

        My boyfriend just ended our relationship suddenly, after just over a year. Me and our friends are shocked even though he is a bit depressed and over worked at the moment. Though like you I think we needed a fight or something to air our tension after a long stressful January.

        I don’t know how long to leave it to contact him as that last conversation was just such a horrible way to end what was an amazing year of getting close and sharing experiences.

        Any advice? Do I just need to wait to see if he calms down and contacts me and try to get on with my life? Or should I tell him I regret turning down his offer of a talk and maybe friendship?

        • Kattigans

          Hi Clark, going off what you’ve written I can’t really give you advice on how to approach the situation since I don’t know you and the relationship. But a friend of mine had been dating her boyfriend for over 5 years (all through college and into adulthood) when last Feb. he broke up with her. He started acting weird and even moved out of their apartment without really talking to her about it – just went and saw another place and then signed a lease and told her afterwards. The entire break up was such a huge blow to her, and her and I were new friends when all this happened. He was also going through a lot of emotional stuff. He didn’t like his job, he felt stressed about life and maybe the break up was just an easy decision to make considering how out of control he felt about other areas of his life. I didn’t really know him so I can’t fully say what his deal was but from what she told me that’s how I saw it. My friend was convinced they were meant to be but after so many round and round discussions with him, she came to a point where she emotionally decided to move on. 5 months after the break up, they got back together and are very happy. Life’s weird and can work in funny ways. Maybe he just needed some space to figure himself out, maybe he was scared of how serious their relationship was at 24/25. Who knows. Being intimate w/ someone is hard.

          I mean if he just broke up with you, you’ll need some space and time to process things. Friendship right now isn’t something I’d be so concerned with. Space are good things because you’re probably fluctuating between all kinds of emotions. Take some time to decide how you feel and give yourself space to grieve. I think in break ups, especially if you’re the one dumped, a lot of people feel like “shit well I need to move on ASAP!”. Pressure to get over it as soon as possible. Do what feels right for you. A month after my bf and I broke up, I started putting myself out there a bit with dating but I didn’t feel ready and so nothing amounted to more than some dates and having a fun time.

          • Clark

            Thanks Kattigans, I really appreciate your advice. I am definitely in the fluctuating emotions stage! As much as I’m trying not to think about whether my ex will get back in touch it is helpful to know that not all break ups are final. Whatever happens I’ll try to take this time to give myself a break. Thanks again. C x

  • ladybirda

    No, but I highly recommend having sex with the person that dumped you and then moving onto someone new immediately when he implies you’re trying to get back together with him.

    • Hannah Betts

      THIS. Always.

  • It has been almost 5 years since what I had thought my ‘forever’ guy…. dumped me. And what I keep assessing in my head, was all the shitty, petty manipulative things he did to me versus the person he exposed within myself during the relationship which I have the hardest time letting go of. There is a side of myself that rarely comes out to ‘play’ a very silly weird side which I rarely had ever exposed to anyone, except him. And not only did he embrace this private version of me, he loved it and reciprocated back his own silliness and goofiness. He loved this me that I was so ashamed or shy about exposing…which only deepened my love for him. I always like to think he was going through life changes and so was I , so maybe that’s why at times we treated each other shittily, but I always thought at the core there was something special there….until one day I came home and playfully sat on his lap while he was on his computer and he told me to get off, because he needed to talk to me. I want to say it was bad timing and if he wanted me back today, I would want to have a go of it again. It hurts not knowing if maybe he feels the same way and I hadn’t even bumped into him since we said good bye when he go the last of his stuff from our apartment.

    • I think knowing the “what if” thing is beneficial in so many ways… I think it’s worth reaching out to him, if only for your own peace of mind in determining if the feeling is mutual or not.

  • Personally, I love having a boyfriend who is also my exboyfriend. We met when we were 14 and 16; it was the only time I ever knew I loved someone as soon as I saw them (lol I know – so corny). It took 2 years for me to convince him to date me before breaking up when he went off to university. I was devastated but I always kind of felt like we were great together even if our timing was not. The situational aspect made the breakup a little easier to swallow and helped me avoid demonizing him. Now, I am so thankful for the almost 10 years we spent apart (in touch occasionally) because I feel like I can really appreciate how much we have both grown. We share so much history, and I love that.

  • Aydan

    I think you’re so right–its not that you actually are getting back together–you’ve continued to live your lives separately for whatever has happened in that time apart and now have “found” each other again and that new moment, so therefore, I totally agree, you can never really go back. Maybe there are some familiarity, but really you’ve found a new relationship with the two.

  • We went through this. Took a 3 year break and got back together and are now getting married in October. I think a lot of it depends on personal growth from both parties. We were also lucky that the core of friendship sustained over the time we were together and during the breakup.

    • Miciah

      I wish !y situation WS like this.

  • Lauren

    I’m going through this same thing with my ex-fiance. We’d been together for almost 5 years, and broke up two months short of our wedding date this past July. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through… full of ups and downs – crying myself to sleep and then feeling unstoppable. At the time of the breakup it was mutual. We’d just hit a really bad, dark place. Over the course of the last 7 or so months, however, we’ve began to reconnect. It’s taken trying trials and back and forths… and me swearing this time I really AM DONE. But we keep coming back to one another. He ultimately feels that unresolved issues within his parents relationship (they are divorced) crept up and he didn’t feel he was ready to commit to marriage in a fair way.

    I don’t know what the future will bring, but I know that my life was incomplete without him. The line,”I’d have said no — that when it’s over, it’s over, and that it ended for a reason. But that would have been fiercely judgmental, the response of a person who had not lived enough life to recognize that you can’t answer that kind of question with such a blanket yes or no. Every circumstance is different, every relationship its own breathing organism” really resonates with me. I think as humans, rules make things easier to handle and understand. But most relationships truly aren’t black and white and its up to the two of you to figure out what makes sense. You may even wind up being happier and healthier for the space and perspective you took.

  • Gabriela Holm-Jorgensen

    We took a two year break. We got back together and we have been married for 12 years. I think it really depends on the circumstances surrounding the breakup and the timing.

  • tiabarbara

    It definitely depends on circumstance. My first boyfriend and I broke up for about a month then got back together, and a month later we were broken up again. My last boyfriend and I broke up about a year ago but I can’t see us ever getting back together – aside from the physical distance between us (myself being in Australia and he being in the US) we’re just too different to make it work.

  • Nicole Ohebshalom

    I really enjoy your heart and intellect in this post (as do I with others.) It’s a topic that isn’t expressed with your viewpoint as much so I hope we can hear more about it from you.

  • Theresa

    I fantasied and daydreamed for YEARS about my first love. We dated when I was 19, but we were young and it ended after I transferred colleges. We always talked about picking up where we left off if we ever ended up in the same city someday. And then, we were—from 22-24 and 27-28. Both times my heart broke all over again as I held onto hope that maybe *this* was the time, but both times I was on the back burner as he dated other women.

    I really, really wanted to be one of those girls who ended back with my ex. It sounds so romantic and like a love story out of so many movies (still cry when I see The Notebook.) But, it doesn’t happen for all of us. I wish I didn’t hold onto hope for so long.

    • Miciah

      I hope you found u a new man

    • Adrianna

      I wasted most of high school getting hung up on my “first love.” (I also cried during The Notebook.)

      I felt very lonely and was obsessed with my singleness in college, but looking back on it, I’m glad I didn’t have a college boyfriend. It seems a lot of people have a tough time letting go of relationships formed at that age. My expectations suddenly shifted six months after college (six months into adulthood), around the time I met my boyfriend of six years – I stopped equating love with intensity.

    • wilhelmina

      Woah. Same thing happened to me. Together at 19, he moved away, we kept in close touch and it made it impossible (FOR ME) to truly be with other people. We also spoke of being together “in the future”, and he made a lot of promises that kept me in a fantasyland. At 23, he ended up back in my city, and it turned out distance wasn’t the problem, it was him. Never again.

  • Elizabeth Stewart

    One of my closest friends and I just went through parallel break-ups full of mutual respect but not-great gut feelings and timing. I just wanted you to know how much relief, comfort and wisdom you and Haley have given us writing on these topics. Over coffee we have often debated if our situations will “be a Leandra or a Haley”, and due to my probable heartbreak denial hoping I’m leaning toward your story’s outcome. Thanks for sharing-sometimes the best advice is that of accepting that our world is not black and white and the all of the colors can be (will be) wonderful.

    • Miciah

      Going thru the same thing

    • Cecilie

      Such a great response! I am really thinking a lot about not giving black and white advice to friends – because I remember how much it hurt, when I was in a gray situation.
      I also think love is much wider and greater, then the narrow, “when you know, you know” term.
      Love takes Work and it is totally up to you how long you want to keep working with somebody.

    • Emily

      I second this, Leandra and Haley! Your absolute honesty is so refreshing and really appreciated!

  • Lisa

    I am married to an amazing man/the father of my child and I still want to get back with my ex-girlfriend. I really need to find a therapist, like, yesterday.

  • silla

    I have gotten back together with an ex twice. I used to say I would never do it!

    The first time, we got back together because he had broken up with me and the validation that he did in fact need me was too delicious to resist. Shitty reason to get back together, and we eventually broke up because we were SO different and wanted different things.

    I got back together my current boyfriend after about a month of break up early on – I instigated the break up because I realised he was far from perfect (was very needy, and when my needs weren’t fulfilling him he would seek flattery and praise from other women) and I wasn’t willing to put up with that shit. We had a huge fight, he saw that I too was far from perfect (I have a terrible temper). After talking about a month, we realised that while we were both very flawed we were ready to take on each other’s flaws and work our relationship around them. We now speak more openly about what we need from each other, what isn’t considered acceptable behaviour with other women in the structure of our relationship, and how I can communicate better. It’s an amazing relationship, because we CHOSE to be together despite our own shit. That’s the best reason to get back together with an ex in my view – often you just fall into a relationship with someone, but when you get back together after lots of talking and consideration, you are making a choice. And every day in a relationship you continue to make that choice, because you know that the alternative (while possible) is far less pleasant.

  • Pam

    There are gray areas in Love sure.. but if you broke up with someone on bad terms.. there’s just no way for reconciliation to me . It’s one thing to end for minor things or just not be at the right time/ place in life but to get with someone who has cheated/disrespected/ used/ abused or tormented you repeatedly is not OK. There IS a difference and most of us know. I personally believe that moving forward is how you grow. The only thing I take back is cash.. otherwise on to the next one! Tell ‘em boy byeeee!

  • lizM

    Me & my ex (now fiancé) who was my first love when we were 15 – got back together after 12 years of being apart.I was married but had always thought about my ex and hoped somehow we would meet again like some sort of romantic film lol, and it totally was. We reconnected, which took a massive decision on my part as I knew getting back in touch, would cause the demise of my marriage as the feelings with my first love were just too strong and had never gone away. Happy to say although I had to go through a painful break up and divorce, I am now happier than ever and would not have it any other way 🙂

  • Lucía Meliá

    Funny story: I just got back with my ex. But it wasn’t an easy choice. The short version is that we fell in love three years ago, but he had just broke up with his ex (a bitch btw) so he wasn’t ready for a relationship.We broke up after two months and successfully stayed as friends, after a year of jealousy, we were really good friends, he had a few girlfriends after me and I had a few partners after him. We always liked each other in secret, but we couldn’t say anything, it was really hard to admit after so much.When I finally got ready for a commitment with a partner who I loved, he realized that I was “the one”. I denied, though.

    I loved my partner but I knew deep down that He wasn’t the right guy for me. I was so scared of losing everything I’ve built with this guy that I just panicked and told my ex that it was all a lie, that I didn’t love him that way (after kissing him while drunk the nigh before). I broke his heart and part of mine was broken too. My boyfriend at the time could tell I was not happy anymore, so it wasn’t hard for him to connect the dots.

    He let me go and wished me peace of mind and the love that I always wanted. After he and I broke up, my ex (who I wasn’t ready to see just yet) started giving me love letter everyday, he would left them with my best friend, at my house or even with my job friend. Everyday for 35 days, they had my favorite quotes picked out of books, movies and everything I liked. He assured me he was ready and dying to give the happiness I deserved from the first time we were together. In the last envelope he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. We both have grown so much and we are now happy and in peace without that horrible and giant “what if”.

    It is possible, but only if there’s a lot of love, and honesty. He’s the only person I’ve ever be able to talk to about my farts.

    • Aleda Johnson

      Marry that man. Pronto.

  • Tasha

    Question for Leandra- over the years, you’ve spoken so openly about the way your thoughts and feelings progressed from breakup to reunion and onwards, but haven’t really discussed or explained Abie’s rationale on the whole thing. Of course, YOUR thoughts and feelings are the ones that matter to you, because the relationship is a facet of your life, and being in it is a decision only you can make for yourself, but I more so wonder if, in reconciling, you felt you needed to gain clarity on Abie’s POV at all in order to re-enter the relationship (like what changed on his end, why now, etc.)?

    I recently went through a breakup and relate so hard to everything you’ve expressed about yours. Career goals and a slight distance barrier were the supposed cause of our breakup- I felt compromise was possible, he did not. Yet, as he dumped me, he kept repeating to me how his heart was breaking and he hopes someday we can try again in a way that makes us happier, and that is the one thing I can’t reconcile- it makes the breakup feel like somewhat of a betrayal.

    In a situation where I so clearly saw simple compromise, he dug his heels in, insisting it wasn’t possible. As he moved on, dating new people, if and when we’d talk, he’d still maintain that he hopes to end up together, which seems untrue- why date other people then? If obstacles aren’t fix-able now, together, as a team, on what basis is he saying there may be ways around them in the future? So my question for you is, when you showed Abie all of yourself, and he still felt the need to end it and test other waters, did that not feel like a betrayal? Like he couldn’t see you? When he returned, did you not have any “I-told-you-so” resentment? Or, perhaps because Abie was not making promises of a future together that were so distinctly contrary to his present actions, the themes of honesty and respect were not marred, so resentment wasn’t an issue? Maybe for me, him saying “I love you, you mean everything” and then not performing actions to demonstrate that make me feel like I’m being lied to, and that is breaking the trust I have in who he is. Just wondering if you had any thoughts on rebuilding the trust or letting go of past resentments!

  • alohaneko

    Hi Leandra, if you had finally reached that stage of “fuck-it” and shut that door on a second chance with Abie, what made you want to try again?

    • Leandra Medine

      i dont think i actually shut the door. if i had, i probably wouldn’t want to try again. at the tootsie roll center of my guts i knew we were meant to be 2gether.

  • Rachel

    Hi amazing Leandra!! Thanks for sharing your vulnerable and important stories.

    Have you listened to or read Esther Perel’s work on infidelity and relationships in general? It’s very telling on the subject of getting back together! She details how judgmental society is and has always been regarding forgiveness and relationships (especially the talks on infidelity)!! I feel her website might be a helpful place to branch to from this conversation! Thanks for the amazing content, always!

  • amelie

    I have, after he cheated on me. We broke up for four months, got back together, dated for another 2 years and then broke up again. The relationship was much better when we got back together though, because we actually communicated with each other and talked about our problems for once. I don’t regret it at all, even though it didn’t work out in the end.

  • Melanie

    Oof, painful subject. I was dragged along by an ex for the better part of a year. In the course of our relationship he was always sensitive and sweet, and in the breakup version of him, this weird sadist came out. (Lots of midnight texts to me, followed by instagram posts with new girls, followed by depression memes.)

    I was holding out so much hope in getting back together, but getting rid of him for good made my life lighter and simpler. And it made me start fiercely prioritizing my own mental health over men’s feelings.

  • I’m between two exes right now… one who dumped me because of long-distance woes, who i am now sex friends with, and another who I dumped because of long-distance woes who i am now just regular friends with. I was dumped right before I was accepted to grad school after years of long-distance, and then I immediately began sleeping with my friend who became my boyfriend, and then I moved away – right across the park from the first boyfriend. The second lasted long distance for a year but in the midst of the end-of-semester panic attacks I have, I broke up with him. Then right after, my ex mentioned he wanted to sleep together again, which we’ve now been doing for about a year.

    If either of them wanted to get back together, I’d be super into it, but I’m also happy having them in my life in the capacity they’re willing to be. Right now, that’s a super casual relationship and a friendship.

  • Helena Ojarovsky

    I recently got back with my ex after four months apart. We tread very carefully when discussing resuming our relationship and had a lot of long and exhaustive talks. We especially discussed how our relationship would be different (for example we are now open because I’m in college and he’s in the city in his career). Before I judged people who got back together with an ex but now I understand why. With my partner there was a bond and deep connection that we were not done fighting for. And even though we are very happy to be back together, we are giving ourselves two months as a “trial period” to see it everything is working.

  • Lucia L.

    Great article! So many lightbulbs. This especially resonated so much with me: “Here my gut intuition had effectively promised me that I’d met my match, so for that intuition to then betray me, for Abie to call bullshit on it, was transformative for my self-confidence in that it took it from 100 to 0 in the course of a single conversation.” I am in a similar situation… I am wondering, Leandra (or anyone else who has also been through it), how/who made first contact after the break? I want to reach out, but I don’t know what to say and I struggle (resent) being the “first one” to make contact. There’s obviously no one-size fits all answer, but how have you/others reconciled this?

  • kdfly

    My boyfriend of over three years recently broke up with me on vacation. I was the first person he went out with after his divorce. We were a good pair but he never stopped being angry with his ex. The break up is kind of a relief. If I hear from him again, we’ll see. But it will take some time. I certainly don’t want the same relationship again.

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