How Fun and Festive! Your December Horoscope is Here!
12.05.17
Illustration by Cynthia Merhej

Your December horoscope is here, and so is Mercury’s final retrograde of the year! I won’t waste your time one minute longer: Susan Miller, got a handful of tinsel and your tambourine ready?

One, two, three — HIT IT!

Sagittarius 

Happy birthday month, celestial half-horses! If you’re anything like Leandra then you’ve been celebrating the anniversary of your grand exit from the birth canal however many years ago today since the Sagittarius Season officially began, and you plan to do so all the way until the end of December no matter if it bleeds into Aquarius or not. And why not! They call it Birthday Month for a reason. I hope you spend the entirety of it naked.

Even if your friends won’t acknowledge such egregious celebrations, you’ve got the planets celebrating: the Sun, Mercury, Venus, and Saturn, and soon, the new moon of December 18th are all here to embarrass you by singing off-key in kilts to the happy birthday song. Did you know that, apparently, opera singers are asked to perform this song in auditions because it’s so challenging to stay on tune? I read that on a Snapple cap I think so either don’t or definitely do quote me.

We have to talk about the retrograde because everyone’s gonna be BLOGGING about it and I don’t want you to feel like I didn’t tell you something. It started the 3rd, which I know you know, and it will last until the 22nd. It’s honestly not that big of a deal. Just cross your i’s, dot your t’s and prepare for some minor shit to go wrong. Deep breath and eat cake for breakfast.

As for Saturn, I’ll leave you with this from my friend and yours, Susan:
“You probably feel that you have had enough of Saturn during the past three years, and you did.” [If I were here I’d write like, “WELL GUESS WHAT?!!” But she takes a more subtle approach and eliminates the exclamation, leading instead into the rest of the sentence I interrupted.] “You only have a few more of Saturn’s tests to go…Saturn will finally leave Sagittarius on the following day December 19 or 20 (depending on your time zone), not to return in Sagittarius until 2044….Saturn has made you tougher, stronger, and leaner – able to deal with anything life throws your way.” Amen and HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Capricorn

Hey Cinnabon horns! Cue Natalie Cole…

This will be (!) a “landmark month” for you, Capricorns, “for Saturn, your ruling planet, will enter Capricorn on December 19, for the first time since 1988 to 1991.” What happens now will set off a positive Domino effect, leading you to a “major commitment” in the next three years that you’re gonna want to pursue — and pursue aggressively. I think it’s one of those “when you know, you’ll know” kinda things. I wish I had a toothbrush right about now! I’m on a plane and it’s packed away precariously in the overhead. French planes are fun because they don’t totally monitor how much you schlep onboard, but then you sit down and you’re stuck in a fort of your own making.

So much home stuff for you this month! Are you redecorating?? Tell me all about it, please! I’m nesting, too.

Susan thriller says to use December as a month for observation, planning and reflecting. It will feel good during the retrograde, as everything else gets all whackadoo. If you want to finish something important to you that requires quiet, like book-writing or finishing up a screenplay, now’s the time. You’ll be left alone (but you won’t feel lonely.) Depending on how reachable you want to be, always carry a charger. Again, Mercury is in retrograde so get ready for electronics to be on the fritz cracker.

Some gossip: On Thursday, December 27th,  Mars is going to hook up with Neptune. Their love cloud will produce a “dreamlike evening when you may feel swept off your feet with happiness and in the rush of love,” again, per Suz. I like to let her deliver the best news, since she’s the one always on conference calls with the stars and what not. The rest of December is forecast to be pretty sunny for you, dear Cinnabon horns. Don’t mind me while I lick a bit of frosting off your ear if it melts. Thanks for understanding!

Aquarius

Hi Water Baby!

Jupiter, planet of good fortune, will be planted like a festive shrub in your house of fame and honors. HELLO! I HOPE YOU LIKE BEING SUCCESSFUL AND FAMOUS!!! How fun is that for you!?? Apparently it took 12 years for him to get there, into your tenth house of professional prestige worldwide (*worldwide*) so use this time to take advantage of him — in a NICE way! If you’re feeling like taking a risk, now’s the time. Oh what fun foreshadowing that is into next month’s theme, by the way. I don’t think I’m going to tell any other sign that besides yours so sign this here NDA by commenting down below, “I love cheese fries.”

The above planetary dance will lead you to reach new heights where your job trajectory is concerned come the end of November 2018. “By that period’s end, you are likely to be in an entirely new level in your career and basking in the warm glow of success,” writes Ms. Thriller.

But let’s refocus on the now before I leave you: the first part of this month is going to be romantic for you. It will trickle down through New Years. Attend any and all parties on December 18th, and the 20th — yes! Even if you’re tired! You may make a new friend and it’s up to you to add a 90s wink emoji to that sentence or not. Here’s one I’ll add: :* (it’s a kiss) OH. AND BEWARE MERCURY IN RETROGRADE! Or don’t. How boring.

Pisces

I’m not going to lie, Pumpkin Pisces: I am writing this with the fear of god because I am on an airplane with the tray table down and my phone connected to the internet just before we take off but no one seems to be bothered by any of this. I just wonder if you think I’m going to be yelled at. I always get yelled at! It’s too good to be true and here I am, wasting both our time.

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO KNOW? In the name of the retrograde (Mercury, what else did you expect) let’s make this as straightforward and organized as possible to avoid the only real thing you need to worry about: miscommunication.

1) “You are about to enter a month poised to reward you for all the hard work and good judgment you have displayed in your career over the past years,” writes Susan. No comments there! That sounds awesome.

2) As much as you can, delay December decision-making by pushing projects to January by asking as many questions as you can, or not providing answers until the last minute. It sounds a little unprofessional so, Reader’s Choice Awards!

3) FUN FACT: Most people try to work right up against and after the retrograde period to the day, so in this case, just before December 3rd (that date is long gone my friend) and right after the 22nd. Susan says this plan is not a good one, because the first and last days of the retrograde are the worst. They cause the most confusion. So come December 22nd and 23rd, I advise you mostly nap.

4) Per the rule of retrograde: avoiding “starting” things does not apply to that which you already know. In other words, go nuts and hook up with an old fling while you’re home for the holidays.

5) Travel is your friend this month, which might sound contrarian to the above, but it is! So get on a damn plane, train or automobile and hightail it the heck outta town. I know I could Google this but when is Westworld back on? Another random thing that is your friend is broadcasting. You’d be great at it. Why not combine the two and start a travel show?

6) Speaking for friends, here comes the daily newsan: “With Saturn entering your eleventh house of friendships and groups, you will now experience your biggest personal growth through working with your present friends and by making new friends too. If you ever wanted to join a club and get active, the coming three years would be the time to do it. You will be given the chance to make your mark by making the world a better place, all because of you.” Holy fish and glitter holidays: IS THERE ANY BETTER HOLIDAY GIFT THAN THAT?

Aries

Well I’ll be a hot buttered croissant, Aries, because I sure as hell won’t be damned: Mercury is in RETROGRADE again. Oh yes. It started on the 3rd and will last until the 22nd, sort of like a period that won’t die. Sometimes I wonder if this “Mercury in Retrograde” shit isn’t one big scare tactic, designed not by ancient astrologists but instead by the founders of Consumerism™ to get us to buy things within certain windows, like a Black Friday situation. Because guess what Susan Miller’s big heed of warning is this month?

Make sure you get your holiday shopping done early!!!!!!!

And while I’m buying it — damn you Susan! — I’m certainly not listening to it! I’m procrastinating until the very last minute because if there’s one thing I love more than stress that’s out of my control, it’s stress I myself fabricate. Who’s with me?

Susan!!! Don’t don’t you dare call my therapist! Give me back that phone right this instant!

[Momentary pleasant hold music while we experience technical difficulties]

Try to get out of the office and into a new setting as much you can this month! Mars, your ruler, opposed Uranus on December 1st, which means your nerves are on edge after the burn and it seems as though everyone else is ready to snap, too. But your ruler Mars will sync with Saturn, Susan says, and your sense of humor will get you through this crazy time. As is typical, I can’t remember if that’s a verbatim quote or a paraphrase from AstrologyZone.com. She and I are so alike sometimes it’s hard to tell where she begins and I party.

This is a quote, though: “December 19, Saturn will move into Capricorn for a three-year stay. This is the first time since 1988-1991 that Saturn will visit your prestigious tenth house of career honors, awards, and achievement. According to the office gossip, you are about to get a major promotion and impressive title – this will turn out to be true.”

Oh yeah and you’ll probably fall in love on the 27th if you haven’t already.

Taurus

Let’s make this short and sweet like a velvet party dress, my fellow bullfrogs, shall we? December 3rd’s full moon brought a financial matter to culmination. I know, snooze, but I merely share the words that ol’ Suz tells me to. “Keep in mind that celebrating holidays don’t have to break the bank,” she says. It’s true. You can wrap yourself in boughs of holly and sing fa la la la la all the way to February’s credit card bill, if you want to. I want to. I gotta tell you though, just since we’re here, I have a tangle the size of a thorny bramble under the backside of my hair and I’m terrified to shower as a result. What would you do??

Fucking Mercury off to La La Land for the near entirety of the month. (It ends the 22nd but we all know no month moves faster than this one.) Shopping is going to be hard, so Susan suggests you bake instead, but I tried to do that last weekend and realized I don’t even have an automatic whisk. Macaroni frames it is!

“After a month being entwined in calculator tape,” writes Susan “the moments you will find to spend with your one and only love will be especially sweet.” What the fresh heck is calculator tape, I’d like to know. Besides, I used my loved ones as human calculators. When the check comes anyone who knows me knows to automatically do the tip for me and sign my name. It’s technically forgery! But the government and everyone else looks the other way in the name of accurate tipping.

We’ve got a crazy work month little fruit loops, but yes, Virginia (I saved that for our sign!), there will time at the end of the month to relax with those aforementioned human calculators. Mars is making money moves on Jupiter, which could make the end of the month even more special, per Suz. She thinks a baby or an engagement might be in your future. Or maybe a date? A really great dance. Definitely a ton of parties.

If romantic romps between the sheets aren’t your focus right now, use the energy surrounding you to further bolster your blooming career. December 16th is the day to watch in particular. “[W]hen it comes to career, nothing can stop you now,” says Susan. THANKS MOM.

Gemini

God bless you, Gemini. Mercury is your guardian planet? Well, no offense, but that lazy fuck is going retrograde again. Sigh. I know it feels like a life-ruiner, but it’s not. It’s not! This is and these are the holidays after all, and I’ll be damned — dammit, you will be too! — if we don’t celebrate as though nothing were backward and ice skate around this sparkling winter wonderland until our feet turn blue. Why do we always forget to wear socks? Oh right, it’s retrograde’s fault. (See? It’s nice to have someone beside your cat to blame.)

Be deliberate about communication in December, so much so that it feels like overkill. Over-enunciate, over-email, color-code and highlight everything. “Organization will get you through this month,” writes Susan. It’s true. She was wildly on time this month, as though she knows something we don’t.

Let’s talk butts: The full moon of December 3rd brought the conclusion of something that’s important to you. Don’t get into any binding financial agreements this December, but listen, it sounds like by mid-January, you’re gonna be rich. This month will be hyper-romantic for attached Geminis, but for those single and looking to linger under the mistletoe (what a boring old joke), on December 20th, Uranus will text Venus, “Hey stranger,” which will lead to them hooking up while they’re both home over break again, and as a result, you’ll meet someone eggnog-spicy. They might be older, too. Chic. Love me some salt-and-pepper with my bacon, egg and cheese.

Cancer

Good thing you’ve got two claws, little crab, because you need to double check everyone’s work and pinch the shit out of anything that seems suspicious this month! People are being sloppy right now at season’s end, not to mention all the mishegas caused by fucking Mercury in Retrograde, which I cannot, if you scan the signs above, write without the expletive.

I started to write this horoscope while falling asleep (I’m on a plane) and just woke up to this cool sentence, by the way: “If you say, ‘no they’re not,’ uh oh, right be you.” I should write while sleeping more often. It sounds PROFOUND. Speaking of flying and crab-related things, lobster was offered on my flight. I am so suspicious of airport seafood and my friend who always eats airport oysters said I sound like a snob but doesn’t that just seem like a recipe for food poisoning!!? Who watched Big Mouth on Netflix and can never eat a scallop again, whether airport- or ocean-adjacent?

Okay now, crunchy water spiders (sorry): What can I tell you about your sign this month that you don’t know beyond be cautious, over-communicative and don’t buy electronics?

Well, Saturn, “the tough teacher who helps to mature us so that we’re ready for bigger responsibilities in life” — i.e. not the now-defunct car brand of my college chariot, the one I loved dearly even when it just…stopped working on the highway sometimes! — will move out of Sagittarius on December 19th or 20th after three years in your work sector. Do you know what that means? You will be able to breathe!!! Susan says your work life will improve enormously.

The end of December will be cozy and good for you, Cancer. December 14th in particular, though, will be especially magical. Let me know what Harry Potter smells like in real life!

Leo

Susan says you love love, Leo. You’ve got a bigger heart than the Tin Man realizes he’s had all along and, always the brave lion, you’re not afraid to use it. Actually, fast poll: Do you embrace or are you creeped out, just a little bit, by the lion in Wizard of Oz? He looks like a very tall man dressed up as Shirley Temple dressed up as a character from the terrifying 1980s smash hit musical featuring more mullets than you and I even realize, CATS.

Our girl Suz thinks you’re either ready to end it with someone or make things serious, back to matters of the heart. Saturn’s been making your love life complicated since December 2014 (raise your paw if you’re like, “OH. THAT EXPLAINS IT.”) Well, great new: it’s finally gonna get the hell out of your room, which means your love life will glide like heels over an oil slick of lube.

Gynos much-prefer water-based lube, though! Ask yours about her favorite today!

Your career is doing great. On that upward trajectory. Money will come next month if you’re worried about it now. Speaking of now, I need to briefly mention the Retrograde of god damn Mercury that began the 3rd and lasts until the 22nd: order extra contacts ASAP and keep a spare pair plus your prescription lenses with you at all times. Tough stuff if you’re super 90s and only have prescription sunglasses, but also, that sounds cool.

Travel if you can this this month and if you can’t, no sweat: home is where the heart is! Theme of the Gift Guide, don’t ya know?

Virgo

Hello Virgo! Did you get a promotion? Thriller seems to think the full moon of December 3rd may have given you a little nudge. Let me know, but even so, A) congrats and B) don’t act until January if you can hold on because you’ll have Capricorn on your side.* Your career will shoot up to the moon that month. And it’s shooting now, too, promise, but it’s still sprouting buds. It’s chilling for a minute until the dust settles, wisely. Get your ducks in a row then tell me where the hell you keep ducks without a pond, or do you have a pond? I’d like a duck! What’s their deal, do they house-train nicely? Do they bite?

*IDK I JUST FREAKED OUT BECAUSE OF ETHICS: PLEASE DON’T PUT OFF A JOB BECAUSE A HOROSCOPE TOLD YOU TO WAIT. IT’S 8:29 A.M. IN NEW YORK BUT 2:29 IN FRANCE. SHOULD I EAT A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE OR NO? SOMEWHERE OVER THE OCEAN, I ATE MY FAIR SHARE OF RAISINETTES, I WILL TELL YOU THAT MUCH.

Mercury is your ruler, poor, sweet Virgo, but since you’re used to it going in and out of retrograde I guess you’ve developed what we call in the pedicure industry “a thick skin.” Anyway, it’s out of town again (probably with a really obnoxious Out of Office) from now until the 22nd. You know the drill: there will be annoying delays and miscommunications, so plan ahead. Leave your apartment earlier for things than you think you need to. Triple check your passport whereabouts. Just leave the shampoo bottles at home; they will explode!

Oo! But here’s something fun: Susan seems to think you might actually enjoy one part of Mercury retrograde: “this period will increase the chance that you will be seeing family members you’ve not see in years. It will be fun reminiscing together.” Okay, not the full thrill I expected but staying in touch with family is a very nice and important thing!

Meanwhile, on the 21st, get ready for ~*~*~*luxury.*~*~*~

That’s what I’m talking about, baby!

Libra

Stinkin’ Mercury will be retrograde from December 3rd to December 22nd, my little Libra. It’s just about all I have to tell you this month, other than the fact that I think you’re nice and you smell good. Try to get all holiday shopping done now even though if you’re reading this, it’s too late (hello, Drake! Our photographer Edith’s handwriting looks like that of this album, by the way — it’s like a font, and it’s amazing). If you, like me, will be shopping up until the last minute, remember that it’s the thought that counts, and nothing says festive cheer quite like giving someone the gift of local pigeon adoption. What you do is you take photos of pigeons, get them printed, then write on the back a fun little fact and hand them out to your loved ones. Pigeons are kind of hard to tell apart so the next time you’re with your newly gifted friend and you spot one, cry, “There’s your bird!!” And they will think, “Man, this Libra pal of mine is so thoughtful.”

On December 19th, Saturn will enter Capricorn for the first time since 1988-1991. That’s either fun or boring depending on what your thing is. In this case, it will center your focus around your living quarters for the next three years. “When Saturn, ‘the great teacher,’ enters any part of the horoscope,” write Susan, “it is time to evolve and take on responsibility that you used to think was beyond your ability to handle.” Okay home decor!

Decorating is expensive, so luckily, you’ll see an uptick in income. Speaking of uptick, December 20th is a great day for vibrating singles. Thanks Venus!

Scorpio

Hi Stingbutt! Missed you. Missed that time the Rock played his iconic, award-winning, career-defining role of Scorpion King, too. Apparently, your sign is known for its street smarts and money savviness. That is so great! Since you’re good with money maybe you, too, can be my human calculator. Scroll up to read the Tauruscope if you’re really procrastinating and would like to bond with a bull. Anyway, because of your skillz, you’re going to be among the few signs who doesn’t have to worry too much this month. I sure hope no non-Scorpions are reading this or they’ll get mad at me. 🙁

This is out of order but the 21st is a good day to sign VIP contracts! Or maybe Susan meant Vice President and I made up that “i.” I don’t really know sometimes. It’s a wonder that these get published! Hey pyramids and Tom Selleck’s mustache, how do you feel about that?

Mars will be in Scorpio from December 9th to January 26th, marking “the most important period of 2017 and the New Year 2018” per Susan to tackle your dreams. “Mars will give you courage and a strong drive to succeed, no matter what the goal you choose to tackle. You should take steps during January to get closer to that dream goal – even a baby step would set you off in the right direction at the right time.” How exciting!

Ah, okay, now I see: “Don’t discuss money, career, or contractual details with any VIP on December 21, when Saturn will conjunct the Sun, a hard day to get anything to go your way, especially in regard to financial matters. A far better day would come earlier, on December 15 or 16, when Uranus is close to perfect harmony with the Sun. You can try – no promises!” Susan wrote all of that, thus canceling out entirely what I wrote above. Look, January may or may not be about risk on Man Repeller. December is all about shining the spotlight on things, so let’s just say that maybe these horoscopes are all about opening your eyes beyond the stars!

AHHAHA WHO AM I KIDDING I LIVE OR DIE BY THE MOON, BABY. EVER HEARD OF THE NORTH STAR? YEAH. GO SEE HOW MANY FOLLOWERS SHE HAS ON INSTAGRAM, THEN TELL ME YOU DON’T “FOLLOW” ASTROLOGY.

Bet you’ll wish you believed me now: on the 27th, you’ll fall in love!

Get more Humor ?
  • Renee

    If you truly have “a tangle the size of a thorny bramble” I would highly recommend a Wet Brush, fellow space cow.

    • Amelia Diamond

      instructions once purchased, please! must brush wet or dry?

    • Cameron Smith

      Oh my gosh! Does everyone know about this? My hairdresser showed me it like a month ago — and I have curly hair so at first I was like nah give me my wide tooth comb but then she changed my life!

      • Amelia Diamond

        okay but help do i brush it while wet or dry??

        • Cameron Smith

          Oh gawd I hope this isn’t a joke I’m not getting. But wet:)

          • Amelia Diamond

            welli know it’s a WET BRUSH but i just cannot fathom getting my hair wet without brushing it before hand. the moment i get my hair wet it turns to straw so i have to brush it before it even SMELLS the faucet running

          • Cameron Smith

            Haha yeah I completely understand. Try it and you’ll be amazed. It works totally different than a regular brush so it’s incredibly gentle and will glide through your hair. I know I sound like an infomercial but seriously it’s great

    • Kiks

      The greatest brush ever made.

  • Emily

    woooow why is mercury ALWAYS in retrograde!!! v much agree with your black friday theory. good thing I already finished my holiday shopping tho 😉

  • I blame everything on the mercury retrograde. 🙂

  • Lauren Thompson

    Concerned Leo here… why does Retrograde mean I need more contacts? I’m new to horoscopes and have a habit of losing contacts (I am concerned).

    • Amelia Diamond

      oh because that’s the thing you’re likely to lose or misplace during the funky retrograde. stash them in your cheeks like a squirrel!

  • patyof

    Urrrrgggg I’ve got two “major commitments” coming up…. one is dope; one is yikes…. either way I guess I’m glad for some movement on them. I’m not gonne be “nesting” but I AM going to be in a SUPER CUTE air bnb in Buenos Aires for my dissertation fieldwork and I am imagining all the beautiful mornings writing I am going to spend there and that’s sort of like nesting. 🙂 Good luck with the Saturn return fellow Caps!!

  • Lex Noblitt

    I love cheese fries.

    • Amelia Diamond

      i love you but disquss said i can’t comment this twice

    • Amelia Diamond

      this is making my day

  • Ecem

    I love cheese fries!

    • Amelia Diamond

      i love you

    • Kiks

      I also love cheese fries!

  • I can confirm that my horoscope (s/o to my bulls <3) was both fun and festive.

  • Katherine Burch

    The libra pigeon gift advice is the best thing i’ve heard and will make it into the stockings this year

    • Amelia Diamond

      i’m so glad/sorry

      • Katherine Burch

        something beautifully comically about strolling with my loved ones and shouting “THAT’S IT THERE’S YOUR PIGEON”

  • Jill

    Omg so I, as a capricorn, will experience a dreamlike evening of love on the 27th of December while my crush, a scorpio, will fall in love on the 27th of December??? Fingers crossed guys

  • Nat Ch

    Amelia, I loooooovvvve your upbeat corky way of intervening the text as if you’re jumping out of the screen or yelling while someone is saying something dark and serious. Love it.

    • Amelia Diamond

      that is such a kind and thoughtful comment thank you for making my day!

  • “AHHAHA WHO AM I KIDDING I LIVE OR DIE BY THE MOON, BABY. EVER HEARD OF THE NORTH STAR? YEAH. GO SEE HOW MANY FOLLOWERS SHE HAS ON INSTAGRAM, THEN TELL ME YOU DON’T “FOLLOW” ASTROLOGY.”

  • Hannah

    “People are so complex, containing so many possibilities and conflicting ideas of themselves, that almost anything you tell them about themselves is true. Hence the popularity of horoscopes.”

    Phyllis Rose, in an aside
    ^quoting a Molly Young tumblr post btw. She’s the best.

  • Alexandra

    omg the Leo horoscope. yes, i was literally like “OH THAT EXPLAINS IT” re: Saturn mucking love life up since Dec. 2014.

    • Amelia Diamond

      BYE, SATURN.

  • Magdalen Trela

    I love cheese fries (and let’s be honest, I love ALL fries). <3

  • Svenja

    Cinnabon horns for Capricorn? Don’t you mean Aries there? But well, since they both apparently will have a great month career/progress wise and fall in in love on the 27th, I guess it works out.

    • Amelia Diamond

      !! i didn’t even think about the visuals, Aries do have cinnabon shaped horns! it was a weird play on Capricorn… idk it didn’t work at all apparently ISN”T THAT THE FUN OF HOROSCOPES?!

      • Svenja

        This horoscope sure made me even more exited for December, so I gladly take it.
        On another note: I saw on MR’s Insta story that you are in Hamburg right now? You have to try ‘Franzbrötchen’, it’s the local specialty baked good and it is -guess what?- a cinnamon bun!! In Hamburg they eat it either for breakfast or with afternoon coffee/tea.

  • gracesface

    ugh now im conflicted – how can i not job hunt (b/c mercury retrograde) AND get rich at the same time by january!?! i was better off not knowing what was up. but your writing in these is priceless.

  • Marianne

    I too love cheese fries.

  • Ashley

    the December 2014 for Leo’s thing actually made me scream. Alex can I have what month and year I broke up with my last serious boyfriend? Crazy!