November Horoscope Pie With a Homemade Crust!
11.03.17
Illustration by Cynthia Merhej

My wood-paneled Subaru (dream car) is loaded up and ready for you to put your flannels in the back. What do you say? Let’s drive upstate to gawk at red and orange-colored horoscopes. So romantic. The only rule is that there’s no complaining about allergies. My right eye is half shut and you don’t see me whining — unless you’re my doctor who no longer takes my insurance, that is. Super glad I spent time and money for you to tell me I do not have conjunctivitis.

Anyway, back to the positivity: this month, it’s only good things in the repell-o-scope arena. No offense, Pony Boy Curtis, but “nothing gold can stay” my ass. This time of year is magic. The air is crisp, Susan Miller’s fate predictions on AstrologyZone.com smell like apple cinnamon (by the way, read this if you have time — it makes me love her more), and I’m delirious from at least four days straight of horoscope-specific procrastination. Are you as ready as I am? Let’s make like a pile of leaves and dive the fuck in. 50/50 chance they’re either crunchy or wet.

Scorpio

Birthday Bug!!! Dustin’s new pet in Stranger Things is making your sign’s scorpion mascot look good, huh? I’ll leave the reference at that, but will say I used to be scared of sand — any sand, really — for fear there was a scorpion waiting to pinch my toe in it and now, in comparison, I think scorpions look like shiny kittens. I hope you eat a lot of birthday cake this month.

If the past year has felt like an overgrown terrarium of messy crap covered in moss then start warming up your weed whacker: it’s gonna change in November. It’s not just going to change, life is going to click into place. Let’s hear from Suz: “As of last month, Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, entered Scorpio for the first time in 12 years and is set to stay a full year with you.” There you have it. Not to mention the full moon tonight (Friday the 3rd if you’re reading this fresh after publish) is going to go great things for your sign/complexion.

We all get hit with a retrograde in December so use the time now to get all your holiday shopping done. That includes buying yourself some trinkets. Susan wants you to go shopping (don’t have to tell me twice, am I right) and says that now is a great time for an appearance update if you’ve been feeling stale. It might be time to finally try out The Rachel.

On the 13th, Jupiter makes it such that you’re primed to DTR with a hookup or a business partner in the platonic business deal sense. The weekend before it — 11th and 12th — will be romantic, however. And if you’re single and looking, the 16th’s your lucky telescope. Look for The One, not Jupiter (who’s making this happening by sprinkling “shimmering gold dust” everywhere ) or you’ll get distracted.

You’re charming as hell this month so even if you do get distracted, so be it. Your destiny lover face will find you. Maybe in the sand!

Sagittarius

Ooh I love when Susan is mysterious and vague! So intriguing. Apparently, you’re in the midst(y of Chincoteague — you ever read those books? Shout out to my horse girls who were kind of bored by these books, to be honest, but read on principle, even if the concept of rounding up swimming ponies for an auction would later become a foggy part of where you and your morals stood). Oh would you look at that, I started a sentence then distracted myself then started another one and here we are.

As I was saying: Apparently you’re in the midst of an important project full of sensitive material that could be important to your future. Well newsflash — it’s going GREAT and the outcome will be better. The full moon of November 3rd will help you finish it. Wish I could say the same for finishing these horoscopes!

Can we get real for a second? Not that I’m a figment of your imagination or anything. “Life has not been easy for you,” Susan writes, “because for three years, since December 2014, taskmaster Saturn as pressed down on you, testing you, taunting you, and challenging you to develop your inner strength and resourcefulness. Those continual tests will be over as of next month, December 19th, and by January you will be home free.” Did you just pee a sigh of relief?

The 13th will prove all that career work you’ve been doing was and is worth it. On the 25th, you’ll get the good kind of surprise from Ye Old Planet of Butts. November 18th means you’ll finally be able to breathe. December will be busy AF so set boundaries and decline stuff you know you’ll want to cancel later now. 

But you’ll also have a lot of fun. Accept invitations from friends. When’s the last time you just “hung out”?!

Capricorn

CapricornuMOTHERFUCKIN-COPIA oh my good lord you know how I love to make that November Thanksgiving pun. What even IS a cornucopia beyond an excuse to play with your sign’s name? Cornucopias have always looked like those 90s snacks to me, Bugles? People who search for “Bugles” on Google also searched for “potato chips,” “maize” and “bagel.”

I just inserted a rogue screen shot so you can see and I’m scared the Visuals Team is going to yell at me…hopefully Edith and Emily aren’t Capricorns, which you’d think I’d know by heart but I purposefully try not to know my team’s signs to avoid an astrology bias. HEY speaking of Visuals Team did you pick out a Man Repeller print yet? Yes I’m shameless! Let’s keep it moving!!!

You’ve hit the ideal balance between career/money/social/romantic fun. How! What is romantic fun and how is it different from regular romance? You tell me because I am not trying to get into that bedroom with you (although I do appreciate the offer).

Okay. Get stuff done this month because December will be annoying. November 13th is a great day to launch your app or announce something. Your love life is going to be full and wonderful thanks to a kickoff from “bewitching full moon” on November 3rd. “You may even feel that love is transforming you to a new place of the heart and mind” this month, says Susan. AND you’ll be extra magnetic.

You’ll also be hyper-creative, so as friends begin to surround your cozy soul on the 18th thanks to all the Friendsgivings, why not suggest some arts & crafts? Craft can mean craft beer, I guess, if you’d rather not with the scissors.

What a cute month for you! I’m so glad we just went on that journey together.

Aquarius

Aquarius I think you should run home right this instant and start packing a bag then buy a cheap ticket somewhere whether it be bus, train, plane or automobile (please no hitchhiking) or fine, map out something on foot: Susan wants you to travel this month and who can say no to her sweet face?!

You’ve got a full moon today, November 3rd, lighting up your fourth house of home and family. Just pants down, butt in the sky illuminating the weekend evening. How lovely! But when those celestial butt cheeks aren’t there because of the moon cycle or whatever, you’re going to need some light in your home (I love that you still use oil lamps though, so chic and Hamilton of you, even if they aren’t thumbs-upped by your landlord) oh god what am I even typing, I’m lost but the whole point of this sentence was to ask if you wanted to go to West Elm with me sometime soon to check out fucking SCONCES — a word that is dangerously and distractingly close to scones, because like, did someone say scones?

Just work on your home this month is my point, and if you have to move or apartment hunt this November, the experience will actually be an enjoyable one for you. Here’s the caveat: It will suck if you don’t get your to-do list checked off before November 18th. Get your holiday shopping done, too, if you can. The retrograde in December won’t be monumental but it will be annoying.

If you’re able to check off your whole to-do list before November 18th, please tell me how you do it. I am a lost soul, a dithering wanderer in the land of two second attention spans, lately. I think I have lost all muscle memory and self-control when it comes to focusing on the task at hand. Sorry for making your horoscope about me so let’s bring it back to you!

Around the 18th, “a gaggle of heavenly bodies will fill your tenth house of honors, awards.” Gaggle is the same plural geese use, but never mind all that. This news means your career is about to SOAR like a north-bound goose!

Pisces

Not to read your mind but are you thinking about starting some sort of urban farming venture? Cool! Susan wrote something that led me to believe as such if I’m right. As your mom would say, “I’m not a mind-reader.” There is, however, this one candle sitting on my desk that smells delicious.

Susan used the word prudence, which I think is fun and old school! There’s your vocabulary word of the day. Imaginary waffle cones to whomever uses it in a sentence down in the comments section! Susan also says, “Uranus is rebellious and disruptive, and teaches that rules are meant to be broken.” It’s a little off-topic but I  like that! It’s full of fire! The planet of butts is known for surprising people so let’s just say you’ll find yourself surprised this month, if mostly because this here horoscope is telling you literally nothing useful. Go read the full one on AstrologyZone.com, honestly, if you want any semblance of sanity.

Guess what! Speaking of butts: Uranus and Saturn will be collaborate through many months of 2018. I know that’s in the future, but it means that come 2018 the cash is going to start rolling in, so don’t worry if you’re not seeing it come through now.

On the 22nd, Neptune will turn direct after having been retrograde since June 16th. This will allow Neptune to offer clues about what’s next, which is exciting, because it’s almost your month — which means stay tuned like an old school television set for a way more robust report in December.

Excuses excuses, I know. Okay fine, know this: full moon tonight, November 3rd. You’re gonna love the way you look in its light, and enjoy the weekend of the 11th and 12th. It might be so fun that playing hooky on the 13th could be worth it.

Aries

Hello Aries! Or should I say Arie$$$$$$$!

You’ll see a large sum of money arrive November 4th or in the four days that follow the new moon (which is tonight, November 3rd). That’s fun! I wonder if you’re going to win the lotto or come into an unforetold inheritance or something.

Romance will be “warm and affectionate this month” for you, which sounds so sweet, but for some reason it’s reminding me of the politician Carrie Bradshaw briefly dates who later joins the world of advertising by way of a time machine, I guess, who has a pee fetish, which is like, do your thing, but then Carrie, who doesn’t want to pee on him just because it’s not her thing, also no judgement, suggests pouring warm tea over him. See the connection? Because having warm tea poured on you does feel kind of cozy and inviting? They say to pour warm tea on your hair if you want it to be extra shiny, but then again they also make conditioner.

You may get a raise early this month. You’ll be particularly lucky on November 13th (again, think Arie$$$$).

“Your career should be going exceedingly well,” writes Susan, “for Saturn rules your tenth house of fame and honors and has now moved into harmonious angle to Uranus, planet of surprising developments. Uranus is now in Aries, too, for the only time in your life, and will start to move into Taurus in May 2018.” Your professional journey will come to a positive peak in January. Until then, you keep on doing you.

As for love: the 11th, 12th, 13th and 16th are all gonna be super romantic days. The 16th in particular is especially sweet when “Venus will signal Neptune, and together they will twirl together in a dance of love among the stars, and spinning an evening of pure joy.” So fun. I wonder how those two incorporate tea in the bedroom!

Taurus

Hi moo-moos! My friend Ali calls everyone “moo moo chi” and just typing that gave me the warm fuzzies. It’s a cuddly little term of endearment that I hope you start bequeathing to everyone you love, but also, perhaps we can use it as a sun salutation to all our other fellow Tauri. Fine I know, let’s get our ‘scopes started and over with, you are (I am) hungry. Does anyone else eat breakfast, wait a beat and then go, “Okay so when should I eat lunch?”

This month will be sweeter and kinder than the last one and it’s a trend that will move forward into December, but we still have to clean up a lot of the bullshit left over in October.

Also this November, the urge to merge energies! You might propose to someone, ask a new pal on the playground to share half of your peanut butter and jelly sandwich, form a bike posse with your crew to solve other-worldly crime in the upside down, form a partnership with a work person or have a good old-fashion “what are we” conversation while bolstered by liquid courage.

Whoever you link up with, get metaphorically or literally married and take a trip together — even if it’s an emotional journey. On November 18th in particular, the planets are aligned in such a way that the more professional of these partnerships will be lucrative. That doesn’t mean you can’t make money from your new girl or boyfriend. Just look at the wonderful world of Instagram Husbands!

SURPRISE: Workloads will lighten in time to enjoy holidays. Saturn and Uranus will meet in a rare alignment on November 11th (they’ve been stretching all year for this Kama Sutra moment) to take care of your career, don’t worry. And make time for your damn friends on the 22nd.

Gemini

Gemin-hi to you, too! Let’s get this horoscope of yours over with because in November you are all about FOCUS and, unless you’re reading this from your phone whilst on the toilet, this horoscope is likely currently distracting you! It’s okay, it’s distracting me too and I’m the one who’s bound to write it.

As I (literally) just said, focus this month: you’re doing great and set to earn a lot of money. I know horoscopes say that a lot, and then the next month comes and you’re like, so where’s my money, but just consider that sometimes things get put into motion without us realizing it, the effect to come later in life. Anyway, even if you open up an adult lemonade stand or whatever the autumnal equivalent is — tea stand? PSL stand? Starbucks? — then you’ll have a little extra cha-ching in your pocket. Or just look under your couch! I’m rambling but what else is new, have you met me?

…Good god, if you haven’t and this is your first horoscope reading experience on Man Repeller I beg you to tell me what it’s like, and welcome to your friendly band of celestial weirdo friends. Your sign is actually getting off the hook easy this month in terms of the Stranger Things I’ve said. (If you read all the signs then that’s three Stranger Things references and counting. Good luck with the math though because I write these from the top and the bottom and then work my way inward. How do you eat your Oreos/Reese’s?

Single? Mars is lighting up your love sector the weekend of November 11th-12th. On November 16th, when Venus and Neptune align, you may be on TV. This is also a good time to have your passport photo taken, fun fact.

You’re likely to start up a workout regime on the 18th. Finally, “affectionate, warm romance” will bring “lovely balance to the strong daily communication you will be giving your work.” That’s work/life balance, son/daughter. Oh and hang out with your friends more, especially the 24th-26th.

Cancer

“You should adore November,” Susan cold-opens. On the one hand, on your behalf, I’m like, Don’t tell me what to do, Susan. On the other hand, I’m like, Just kidding, that’s exactly why I read horoscopes.

Apparently there’s a super fun social event this weekend. You should go even though I get the urge to want to stay home. You can stay home on a rainy day but today is not the day! It’s the weekend! You might fall in love! The way Venus and Jupiter are aligning next weekend, however (November 11th through the 12th) romantic connections are really going to grow. Susan says that, “‘[i]f you met someone interesting online, choose November 13 as your day to have a first meeting in a pretty public setting.” She’s so modern, isn’t she? If you’re going to meet over FaceTime first, here’s a millennial guide to virtual dating.

Your biggest moment for love this month is on the 18th, when the new moon appears in Scorpio. Can you please give me an update on all of this down in the comments section? I’d love a little goss between friends on this Friday where working really feels like a thorn in my ass.

You’ll be super creative at work this month. Don’t be shy about voicing your opinion to clients, and since you’ve got the magical syncing up of Saturn and Uranus, break out the whiteboard and prepare for the best brainstorm you’ve had in a while.

OMG. I DID NOT MAKE ONE CRAB REFERENCE YET! HELLO CRAB!  HELLO PINCHY LITTLE PAWS!  HAVE A GREAT NOVEMBER!

Leo

LEO HOW EXCITED ARE YOU ABOUT THE LION KING LIVE ACTION EXTRAVAGANZA THAT WILL FEATURE BEYONCÉ AS NALA? We have talked about this movie before, I would assume! You’re the jungle cat of the sky! Fun fact: I had a bootleg cartoon version of Disney’s The Lion King on a sketchy VHS that my aunt bought for me and about halfway in you just had to sit through the messed up part where the film would turn all blue and wibbly, like how Kiera Knightly describes her wedding video in Love, Actually. 

“You career will create magnificent fireworks on November 3/4,” writes Susan, but she does not mean platform Nine and Three Quarters, she means the 3rd and the 4th. She very well could have written that out the proper way and that backslash thing was my own doing in taking notes, but that’s the price you pay for poor penmanship. Ask a Virgo about it; they’re working on their new signature flourishes as we speak with a calligraphy pen. It’s arts & crafts month here in the horoscopes section!!!

If you’ve been interviewing for a job you’ll hear back soon, and Susan is pretty certain you’ll have a reason to celebrate.

Another thing to think about this month is how to improve your living conditions — the fun, cozy home stuff. Start nesting like the baby bird you are not. What would we call nesting for lions? Den-ing? You’ll make a great design choice on the 13th, so if you’re looking for a new headboard…

In fact, home is going to be your happy place until November 2018, so enjoy the Martha Stewart bug. As for love, Saturn is FINALLY leaving Sagittarius and your house of love in December, so not to give you spoiler alerts, but your love life is one month away from changing for the better.

Virgo

Hi Virgoo Goo Dolls! They played at my school once. Does anyone ever care when I tell them that? No. What was your favorite terrible easy listening band from your mom’s favorite radio station?

Susan says you have excellent communication skills — no doubt there — and that this month those skills will be “in hot demand.” They’ll lead to long-term job security, which is really nice. What else?

The full moon of November 3rd and 4th will make your work more creative than usual. I wonder if that means that, in addition to the vast expansion of your no-doubt already remarkable creative skills, you’ll begin to add a flourish to everything you write with a pen, like a star instead of a dot on all i’s. That seems fun. No one does that anymore.

Your “creativity will be simulated to a high order” says Susan, which either sounds like someone’s coffee order after an all-nighter or a setting on a vibrator, so think about the projects you’d like to be given and go over them. Look, the sentences and thoughts don’t need to connect so long as you’re connecting the dots (sorry, stars) in your own life and following a true-to-you-path, right? I like to type what comes out of my brain, not what comes out of the English book. As such, everyone who reads this is lucky this isn’t a triple word repeat a la you-know-who’s mom in Stranger Things (no spoilers) featuring: Coach Taylor, Butter, Horses. Definitely do not connect those you sicko.

Travel before the winter holidays, please! The most fun weekend will be the one of November 11th and 12th. You’ll take on more responsibility at work on the 18th, which leads to you shining, and last but not least, shop now. We’ve got a retrograde in December but you could lose your glove in a department store or something.

Libra

Luke Skywalker Libra, all of November is going to rule for you but the absolute BEST day will be November 13th when, more or less, you’ll have the luck of the universe in your hands and all your wildest dreams will come true. Venus, your guardian planet (per Suz), is more or less hooking up with “Good Fortune” Jupiter, as they call him on stage. This only happens once a year — home for the holidays hook up, you get it — and when it happens, it means your sign is primed to do all sorts of great things, including signing a money making contract.

There’s a full moon on November 3rd that everyone likes, and its happy effects will have a nice trickle down effect over the course of the month, but it’s the new moon on the 18th that will really get your juices flowing. It will be “the moment you awaited all year” according to my girl.

You’ll also have Jupiter in the second house of earned income, which likely means a raise or the promise of one.

After the new moon you’re going to want to go into high gear: Update your resume, begin the job hunt, make sure you have a professional blazer that fits your shoulders for interviews. Before then, however, you can just chill. Seriously! There’s no point in not relaxing before that point because the stars say so. Like Dr. Phil, they’re “giving you permission” to relax.

Romantically, Mars is in Libra all month giving you a sexy glow. I heard Rihanna’s beauty line can do that, too? But for sure she’s a celestial being, so it feels right. I’ll be getting my glow from a turkey coma, I can tell you that much. I don’t even really like turkey. For me, it’s all about the stuffing and cranberry sauce at midnight. I’m about to go off on a sandwich rant so why don’t I leave you while we’re ahead? Happy November, friend! Feel free to start a wild debate about whether or not you hate soup in the comment section!

Get more Pop Culture ?
  • Still peeing … thank you! 🙂

    • Amelia Diamond

      i am never not peeing! or at least never not needing to.

      • Alexandra Queiroz

        Lol, the same here

  • Abby

    I never really put stock in horoscopes but I reaaaaaally want to believe: I’m an Aquarius interviewing for a promotion next week!

    • Amelia Diamond

      go girl go girl go go go!

  • Alexandra Queiroz

    This Luke Skywalker Libra over here is more than happy to relax now and welcome all the good luck the new moon can possibly bring. Also very happy to do all that while sexy-glowing.

    • Amelia Diamond

      hi hello welcome!!

  • Emily

    I’m an Aries and a non-believer who likes to read horoscopes anyway… but mine has been so on point lately, it’s weird. I’m actually waiting now for an official job offer, which should come any time next week, and my yearly horoscope predicted a big dream job (and it is) starting december! So should I become a full on believer or what? I love your horoscopes as always Amelia!!!

    • Amelia Diamond

      I love you for reading! (mine have been a little creepy lately too)

  • tmm16

    Honestly though as a Taurus, when do I NOT feel the urge to merge?? But this is V exciting because I have a PROMISING brunch date tomorrow (I never do brunch dates- I am really trying to upgrade the quality of my dating!) and maybe by the end if all goes well I will propose to him according to this. Maybe, just maybe, I won’t be single for the holidays finally?? 110% behind this ‘scope – thnx Amelia

    • Amelia Diamond

      OOOO report back about a brunch date. what # is this???

  • Lindsay D

    Finally my year!!! The 13th would line up when I hear about interviews. Thanks for telling me to go shopping and justifying my new Chanel wallet umm maybe I need the matching purse xo

    • Amelia Diamond

      GOOD LUCK ON THE INTERVIEWS

  • mia |-/

    gonna start calling everyone moo moo chis

    • Amelia Diamond

      i should clarify it’s pronounced “Moo Moo Chee” for one person, “Moo Moo Cheeze” for more than one.

  • Chloe

    Oh good, I’m a cancer – just got dumped – and looks like November is all about the romance. Please let this be true; I could use a new man, and now.

    • Amelia Diamond

      BYE 2 THAT FOOL

  • I’m a Virgo and I just got a job – like a real career job – in communications. Spooky!

    • Amelia Diamond

      YES

  • everglade

    sagittarius here. thankyouthankyouthankyou

    • Amelia Diamond

      don’t thank me thank the starz

  • Andrea

    Love that the full moon forced you to finish & publish this by Nov 3 – that’s so Susan of you to let the moon guide your deadline!!!

    • Amelia Diamond

      right!!

  • Inaat

    Here’s the hot goss from a cancer. I’ve been dating a guy since august, talking everyday and stuff, but now he takes forever to answer me and does not start conversations. So this will be an exciting Month, lets see if he comes through.

  • Andy

    scorpio season well and truly in full force!

  • ladle

    This Libra is too busy to relax these days, but maybe this is the welcome push I need to not overwork. Also yes a full-time job would be such a good thing now, so even though I don’t really believe in horoscopes I hope this one is right.
    And come on, I am always sexy-glowing 😛

  • escapoligist

    Look, the sentences and thoughts don’t need to connect so long as you’re connecting the dots (sorry, stars) in your own life and following a true-to-you-path, right? —– always, even though it’s so hard sometimes.
    this, however was a super fun read! (exclamation point dotted with a star)

    • Amelia Diamond

      amen (need more exclamations point dotted w stars in general)

      • escapoligist

        riiiiiight

  • Aydan

    YASSSSSSSS!! Just signed the papers for a new job, so you know that career is soaring!! spot on!

    • Amelia Diamond

      CONGRATS AYDAN

  • Marcela Sp

    Sincerely hope the Libra horoscope is good- graduating in December with mty master’s and beginning the daunting job-hunting. *In need of all the good vibes!*

  • Nikki Bent

    My favorite part of my horoscope:

    OMG. I DID NOT MAKE ONE CRAB REFERENCE YET! HELLO CRAB! HELLO PINCHY LITTLE PAWS! HAVE A GREAT NOVEMBER!

  • Veronica

    I hate soup

  • Emily Allen

    September 22 baby here, and I always read both virgo and libra and just pick whichever one I like best. Do I get to pick which sign I am? I’m doing it either way. Please, God, send some sexy glowing and relaxing my way. Also, sandwiches. Got big med school meetings coming up. I think sandwiches are good luck, possibly.

  • Rosie

    hi!!! *leo here* and I am OVERWHELMINGLY EXCITED about Beyoncé being Nala. but like, duh. it couldn’t be anyone else. they might as well just go ahead and change the name of the movie to The Lion Queen

    also I am ready for my love life to “change for the better” next month!!! v v ready!!