I Constantly Pretend My Very Normal Life Is a Movie
11.21.17

A few months ago when I was younger and more naive, I believed the sole reason I kept headphones in my ears for the majority of my day was to deter conversations with others. Unfortunately, only 60 percent of the time does this work every time, which helped me realize the real reason I feel panicky whenever I leave my headphones at home: They provide the very crucial and extremely necessary soundtrack to my completely normal, not-at-all scripted life.

How, pray tell, am I supposed to walk around New York City, Lifetime Achievement Award-Winner for appearances in romantic comedies, without a Top 40 hit blaring while I do something mundane in front of a picturesque NYC backdrop? Exactly. I can’t — which is why I’ve crafted a 15-song soundtrack, if you will, to score my daily happenings and ensure I’m living in a rom-com every damn day of my life (highly recommend). Headphones in, queue yours up, I’ll play mine first.


Track #1

The scene where I somehow make it onto the subway despite hitting snooze five times and proceed to stare blankly through the train door while typical weird subway stuff happens around me.


Track #2

The scene where I’m sitting on a cross-country red eye flight during the hectic holiday season and wistfully look out the window at the blinking lights as the plane taxis long enough for me to contemplate where I’m going and where I’ve been, but on a deeper level, you know?


Track #3

The catchy montage of romantic, relationship-y scenes where I’m clearly starting to fall for someone but am in denial about it because I’m super fucking cynical and void of most emotion.


Track #4

The scene where my best friend and I are being responsible human beings on a Tuesday night then make eye contact with each other with a knowing smirk (0:00 – 0:20) before the camera cuts to us getting down at the club (0:20 and onward).


Track #5

The scene where I’m walking home slightly inebriated and get a 2 a.m. text from a number I thought I deleted ages ago, because of course.


Track #6

The scene where I emerge from the subway after a long day at work (0:00-0:32), take a deep breath (0:40), and forge ahead (0:43 and onward), allowing the text-walkers and tourists to run into me because I think I’m super hungover judging by the past two scenes.


Track #7

Any scene where I walk through any doorway looking fly AF.


Track #8

The scene where I’m saying goodbye to someone and we both turn around to look back at each other as we walk our separate ways but on like a 5-second delay so neither of us realizes the other one also turned around to look back.


Track #9

The scene where I clearly know the “right” thing to do but seemingly decide to turn to the dark side at the last moment as the scene goes black (0:08) and the credits roll and you never really know how the story ends.


Track #10

The scene where I slowly sip a cocktail (0:00-0:10), the crowd parts (0:11-0:14) and I spot my enemy from across the room (0:15-0:19), exactly like I’d planned all along.


Track #11

The scene when I finally confront someone about some dumb shit they did or had the nerve the say to me and walk out of the room after dropping a Pretty Woman-worthy one liner (0:40 onward).


Track #12

The scene where I slow down in front of a Zara storefront (0:00-0:09), eye the mannequin, think about it for a hot sec and proceed to go on an impromptu shopping spree (0:27-0:37) complete with dressing room dance-posing and cat-walking (0:38 onward).


Track #13

Any scene in which I’m wearing new boots.


Track #14

The scene where a guy is coming over in the subsequent scene so I’m seductively getting ready (a.k.a. throwing all my clothes in my hamper and under my bed, lighting a scented candle and calling it a day.)


Track #15

And finally, the scene where something I casually lit on fire explodes in the background (2:51) while I walk away and slowly put my sunglasses on (2:52 onward).


What does your life sound like these days? Let me know below; I’d love a new movie to listen to while I work.

Feature photo by Patrick Demarchelier/Conde Nast/Contour via Getty Images.

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