Sorry that I am a million days late with your October Horoscope but if we are being real, I got stuck in the costume line at Spirit forever. My bad. You know how those can be! But here we are — that’s what really counts — so let’s get into it. The drill’s the same as always, of course: Susan Miller posts her ‘scopes to Astrology Zone and I sprinkle a little pumpkin spice over them for you ghouls. Speaking of ghouls: stop tagging me in modern-day “It” memes, they’re terrifying, fuck that movie, and instead please direct your attention to the fun sized ‘scopes below.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVELY LIBRA. Something I would like to know immediately is whether or not you make your birthday party Halloween-themed or if you hate Halloween because it intrudes on your birthday before the month even begins thanks to eager-ass Walgreens at the corner of Happy and Chill-the-Fuck-Out.
“Your chart is complex at the moment,” Susan writes in such a way that’s a little bit like, “so don’t mind me if this horoscope is messy.” OMG SUSAN I WOULD NEVER! I didn’t mean you were messy, I meant astrology and also, love/life in gen.
But anyway, apparently, Venus, your ruler, “is cozying up to her lover, Mars, in the most hidden part of your chart.” Susan should write romance novels, no? What this means is you’re focus is going to be on one relationship all month. It could be work-related or friendly but I think we all know we just want to discuss the horizontal Cupid’s shuffle. You may be enticed by the bum of another. You may meet The One over a stack of avocados at the supermarket. Or, if you’re currently wrapped up in the throes of passion, the love will strengthen. I’m not gonna lie, this is a very liberal interpretation of what Susan actually wrote because my reading comprehension is at a level 2 on a scale of 12 today. You know those days. Here’s what I did read: Mars in Libra will give you courage on October 12th, and you’ll be “a money magnet.” Get ready to feel rich on the 26th, swish, swish.
*We have to whisper because it’s Libra’s birthday and I already feel a little guilty that I’ve made such a big deal about Halloween when it’s her birthday but guess what, sting butt? It’s your turn to be the celestial favorite!
“You’ve waited a long time for a break from the heavy load you’ve been carrying in life,” Susan writes, “and finally, from this month on, you’ll see a near-permanent change for the better in all parts of your life. Jupiter by your side for a year now. The seeds you plant this coming twelve months will forge the way to a new cycle of prosperity.” Like!!! You’re not just about to skyrocket in every which way, you are also about to open a sustainable urban farm?! Can’t wait for the subsequent opening of your organic restaurant that serves sprouts family style on a wooden table. Don’t get mad if I ask about Heinz ketchup “instead of this beet ketchup stuff,” because sugar is a drug and it’s not my fault.
Jupiter is going to help you find love this month. Because Jupiter can’t actually physically introduce you to anyone because Jupiter is a planet, guys, LOL! Jupiter is going to do some planet magic that brings you together with some new, fancy ass friends (whoopee for shishi!) who run in the same circle with your future love. It’s all very Metropolitan, and don’t forget who gets the girl in the end!
You only get this kind of Jupiter luck every 12 years so play this song on repeat and enjoy it to the fullest.
Assuming you paused for the Train song above before coming here, tell me, half-horse-half-human with a lustrous tail growing out of your butt (listen, I’m the biggest hypochondriac I know and the answer is still no, I don’t think you should worry about that. Just be sure to condition it regularly. Also who else remembers these?): Did you watch the new TRL? Bet you didn’t see that question coming, mostly because who in her right mind could have followed that wind up?
Since I’m assuming you came here for your horoscope in addition to a subconscious stream of rambling, you’re going to kick off this month with lots of praise for a job well done. Let me start: GOOD JOB! But seriously! Sometimes we need to know we’re doing great work beyond the paycheck that arrives each month. Speaking of checks, if your funds feel low, don’t panic, blame Pluto, and Susan swears this is a temporary feeling that will likely jumpstart a sharp rise to mad money.
Ooo and this is fun: There’s a lot of romance predicted up ahead for you. Maybe it’s the alternative butt plugs I linked to above, maybe it’s the new moon of the 19th, maybe it’s all of the above, and I am just as shocked as you are that there’s no Uranus joke to be had in here. Oh! And if you have a crush on your doctor or something, the 26th, the luckiest day of the year (it’s either year or month, can’t remember but Susan says it to all the signs so I guess I’m gonna accidentally lie to everyone), is the best time to visit her. You’re gonna get a bunch of great news or something. Bring me back lollipops.
Hold on to your horns, capri-candy-corns, because Susan Thriller Miller believes this to be the perfect time to go on vacation, and why not?! FOLIAGE! Upstate?! Apple picking!!! Don’t forget that even a jaunt outside your usual routine counts as a getaway and can refresh your brain. But oh god, I feel it coming: cinnamon doughnuts. Is anyone else hungry? Does anyone else lack the ability to be productive without a bag of peanut M&Ms? I picked up that habit back when I used to work at Ralph Lauren. DM me if you’d like to talk about my cable knit glory days. Anyway, get out of town, and I mean that literally.
Your home is going to be of focus, which is fun because it’s such a cozy month to begin to nest. It’s sunny outside so you’re not all bummed out, but it’s starting to get chilly (unless you’re in NYC because it was a casual creepy 80 degrees yesterday) so you don’t mind staying in and getting snuggly. Fast poll time! Are you the big spoon or are you the little spoon or are you spoon-fluid?
“You are considered the most ambitious of all signs and you are known to need to see steady, continual professional advancement,” said Susan. (You, like: “Tru.”) So guess what? You will.
Want another quote from her since I am genuinely saying nothing? “From this month on, now that Jupiter is moving into Scorpio for a little over a year beginning October 10, 2017 to November 8, 2018, socializing will become fun, and, at the same time, help you get ahead in your profession.” Win, win! Sounds like you’re throwing this year’s corporate Halloween party to me!
You, my friend, are on the verge of a major career breakthrough. Susan says it’s unlike anything you’ve seen in 10 years, which is so exciting, and more than anything, I want to know what you plan for your new business cards to look like. People don’t hand out business cards anymore! Everyone loves a business card! And aren’t you always so impressed when someone does? Unless it’s a slimy dude at a bar who thinks he’s being slick by handing you his card when we all have cellphones and know how to stalk a man on Instagram without the help of your patronizing giveaway information on card stock, thankyouverymuch, when a person hands you a business card it’s like, holy shit, this person has her shit together.
“Jupiter, the great good fortune planet, is heading to your tenth house of honors, awards, and achievement on October 10, in a rare, thirteen-month visit, to stay in your prestigious career sector until November 8, 2018.” Doesn’t that sound fun? Pack me in your suitcase and take me with you! Susan thinks that in addition to making business cards, this is the time to travel (foliage season!), study something that you’ve been interested in a while, or file a trademark. Maybe you have a catchphrase that you need to charge money on if others want to use it. Do it! Make that money! Even more impressive would be your ability to not annoy others by having a trademark catchphrase and a fancy business card, but whatever, hater’s gonna hate. You’ll be super lucky on the 26th, especially, so I say do whatever the fuck you want.
Are those gold scales all over your fishy body or are they coins to represent all the MONEY YOU ARE MAKING! I’m taking liberties here because I think what Susan wrote is you’ll have money on your mind this month, but in the great words of Snoop, “I’ve got my mind on my money and my money on my mind,” which roughly translates to, “If you ask for a raise and someone says ‘later,’ remember that ‘later’ does not mean ‘never.'” Susan gets credit for the single quotes inside that bigger quote. I so loved the Snoop x Susan collab but am devastated I missed the pop-up.
Fuck the 19th. That’s all I’ll say. I’ll also say that Susan says to stay alert and blame Uranus.
What else? Ugh, I don’t know, Pisces, sometimes these horoscopes are so long that I pass out and wake up hoping someone else wrote them for me, so allow me to take some poetic liberties: you will get everything you have ever hoped and dreamed of in friendship, family and love. Isn’t that what they tell us is the greatest wealth of all???
Not to sound like your dad but with Pluto and Mars in perfect sync, now is a great time to prove your worth!!! You know it. I know it. Your dad knows it. But sometimes you gotta dump out that way-too-early cornucopia your Joann Fabrics-loving roommate stacked on top of your area-where-we-decorate-according-to-the-seasons-table and use it as a microphone to shout to the world that, “HEY WORLD! I HAVE WORTH!” I mean, seriously! Fuck modesty. You rule and I think the people in the back need to hear it.
Here’s something scandalous! With sneaky Mars in Venus you very well may have a work hook-up. It will feel clandestine but you’re smart and I’m sure you’ll figure out how to make it HR-approved. On the 19th you’ll experience some relationship differences with either your Someone or someone (relationships are nice and broad, isn’t that fun, no one can tell you you’re not in one!) but I promise it’s nothing a nap can’t solve.
By the 22nd, you’ll have more time with your ride-or-die. I picture you two with you in the saddle of a motorcycle and your ride-or-die riding in one of those sidecars in a scarf like Snoopy in his airplane. Is anything wrong with my brain, or is it just that everything is right with yours? The latter! Speaking of climbing ladders, you’ll be thrilled about your finances mid-month. Thank Jupiter and the heavens. Then feel free to take me to the mall and buy me a biscuit! (At the very least.)
You know what they say, sky-cows: ass, gas or grass, no one rides for free.
Raise your hoof in the air if you grew up in SF and remember that bumper sticker. It doesn’t mean anything if you didn’t or don’t because I am just rambling, really! Biding time, simultaneously procrastinating while working without checking email. Really, when I write these, it’s like, 3,000 words of me talking to myself. What is that, though, if not a diary? How come it’s totally normal to write a diary but the moment you talk to yourself out loud it’s considered a sign of instability?
I’ll tell you what’s not unstable: this is the month of love.
“Venus and her romantic partner Mars will cozy up together in your fifth house of true love on the full moon of October 5,” writes Susan. “Be sure to be out and about if you’re single – a blind date might set off exciting sparks.” I’ll set you up if you want. “If attached, celebrate the love you have for each other on this rare day.” That’s also Susan. I love the idea of a “We love each other, come party” celebration — outside a wedding, that is. Or an engagement party. Why not just THROW a party? If you are engaged, WOO HOO: I’m so glad it’s engagement photo season.
Mars is in our romantic sector until the 22nd which doesn’t just mean make-outs and double entendres: it’s baby-making time, baby. Don’t worry: something creative can be your baby, too. I think the cool thing about a creative baby is that it doesn’t poop as much? Or so they say. Ask me at the end of this page.
Hey black leotard wearing, upright barrette-having dancing double emoji girls of the celestial signs! I know you’re one person but I just love your duality. You’re going to focus on decor this month — what a time to think in color schemes and themes. I’m so jealous. Feel free to come over to my apartment and help me. October is also a great time to throw a house party, or an apartment party, depending on your geographical location. I’ll come if you invite me, and I’m a great guest because I always bring wine and food. I get nervous about casual parties running out of both so I essentially come prepared and then hide my supplies under the bed where all the coats go.
Mars will enter your true love sector on October 22nd until December 9th, for all you single ladies (you know I hate when wedding deejays play “Single Ladies” at the bouquet toss so much that this song is actually ruined for me but like, your astrological sign as described above also looks like that music video, no?)
Even if you’re recently broken up with, you too will have luck in love this month. You’re also going to get super healthy and fit — share an ab with me, won’t you? And I think I have the news for you, which I saved for last — news so great I’ve never said anything so wonderful to another sign in all my years translating Susan Miller’s horoscopes into insanity:
Your planetary alignment is such that this is the IDEAL time to get a pet!!!!!!!
Good thing you’re not a salmon, crab, because now is not the time to swim upstream. Quite the opposite: you’re getting read to travel!!! Assign a babysitter for your pants and take your kids to the grandparents, or vice-versa, whoever has the better television and Wifi setup. This getaway is for you to truly getaway, to explore, restore and eat all you want at that all-you-can-eat-buffet.
The vacation (whatever it ends up being, even if it’s this cool new resort called I Didn’t Leave My Apartment All Weekend — 5 star rating!!!) will tickle your creativity in the armpits and cause it to soar to reach new heights. At work, people competing with you will be aggressive, but with your recharged battery, you can and will be able to handle it. Deep breaths, eat chips.
Just when you thought it couldn’t get better!
“Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, will move into your true love sector for the first time since late 2005 though late 2006. Jupiter will be calling in Cupid and his fleet of angels for your benefit now through next year, November 2018.” If that’s not a reason to celebrate with a trip, at least, to see the leaves changing and cram at least a hundred cider doughnuts in your pocket, then honestly, I don’t know what is.
Hello big-wigged kitten! It’s been a while since I’ve quoted the great Kelly Clarkson to you, but in the words of her eternal highlights, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” which means that when you experience some work turbulence this month, buckle the seatbelt of your metaphorical life airplane and kindly ask the flight attendant to throw you the shaker for another martini — you’re fine to DIY and you don’t want him standing up during the bumpy bits in the name of your stiff drink. But like, you do deserve one, and whatever “it is,” so long as it’s not an evil clown named It who I THOUGHT we put to bed, cinematically speaking, you will defeat this.
I’d stay the fuck away from red balloons if I were you though. Goldfinger, don’t you dare play that song right now.
ANYWAY. Susan time since I am out of my mind and being of zero help to, so far, 11 signs including yours! “Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, will move into Scorpio and your fourth house of home and family, making this the very best part of your chart from now, October 10, 2017 through November 8, 2018.” (Deep breath because that was a long one, then let’s continue.) “Indeed, you will be the most favored of all signs for seeing major improvements in your living quarters.” Oh cool, you’re decorating, too? Let me know if you want to go to the Container Store together. I hate their shelves but man do they weirdly have great staging sweaters.
Two more things: the 18th is a great time to travel and the 26th will be the best day ever.
VIRGO YOU CUTE ANGEL!!!! Did you have the best birthday month ever? I sure hope so. Let’s start with the best news by Suz first, which is that the 26th will be the luckiest day of the year, and I thought it would be nice for you to have something to look forward to IN ADDITION TO YOUR BRIGHT-ASS FUTURE.
If you’re one of those highly motivated entrepreneurial types (Oh my gourd, you are?? It’s almost like the stars predicted this) then you’re going to have a project crystalized really soon. It might have happened on the 5th, actually, so let me know that yes/no down in the comments below and if it hasn’t happened yet keep plugging away on the old whiteboard because success is really, really close. It’s also okay if you’re not entrepreneurial!!! You’ll be super successful as well.
Perhaps more important than career success is Halloween. “Halloween this year has the transiting moon in Pisces,” writes Susan. “Be sure to make the costumes this year highly imaginative. If you want to win first prize for your costume, you’ll need to start designing yours early on because the competition will be fierce – and fun.” Are you laughing because you’ve had your costume planned for months already? It’s like she thinks we’re amateurs or something. Meet you at the table where the winners of the costume contest go to win all their money.
Speaking of! Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, will enter Scorpio for the first time in twelve years, and on October 10th, Jupiter is ALSO going to do great things for your house of communication. See, this is what I MEAN! It’s here where you’ll really begin to feel the spark of your words and your brain and your creativity. Maybe you’re buzzed off sugar, Virgo, but I’d bet that more than anything, you’re just stoked to watch yourself THRIVE!