Holy Foliage! Sweater Weather and Horoscopes Are Here!
09.08.17
Illustration by Cynthia Merhej.

HELLO FALL! HELLO AUTUMN! HELLO PONYBOY CURTIS; WAY TO DEFEAT THE ODDS AND STAY GOLD! I love this time of year. It’s so crisp and everyone agrees. After I get over my beef with summer ending–

***DING DING DING!!!***BEEF IS TODAY’S MAGIC WORD!***TIME FOR A BEEF BABY BREAK!***

After I get over my you-know-what with summer ending, I prepare my body for the season of September like a varsity diver getting ready to jump into a school pool (but I do it into a pile of leaves). I’m even more excited than usual because your horoscopes are here thanks to Astrology Zone’s Susan Miller. You know the drill: She writes these babies out for you, I sum them the hell up. ALL-SIGN PSA: Make your holiday gift list now. Just the list. You’ll be grateful come November, or should I say, thankful. <-LMK if you get it. Now! Hand me a Bic to shave my body for maximum aerodynamics and let’s all pray there wasn’t dog poop in that pile of leaves! It is time to see what the stars have in store…

Virgo

Throw your hands and your tights-covered legs in the air at the same time and why not, some confetti too! It’s your birthday (!!!!!!!!!), Mercury is out of retrograde (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and your eyeballs are finally just starting to feel normal after looking at the eclipse through those special glasses (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). You can now stop Google-searching, “did I break my eyes!” Just because Mercury has more vacation days than any other planet and has finally decided to join us on planet Earth again, like thank you, does not mean you’re totally in the clear when it comes to signing papers and buying Tamagotchis. Mercury’s not stable yet and neither am I.

A good time to do this, though, is the 15h, when Venus and Jupiter are in sync and also when you’ll get rich.  September 9th is excellent for boring admin stuff, too. Sorry for not going in chronological order and making no sense in general.

On the 19th, we get a new moon in Virgo, which is so exciting because everyone loves a commando butt in repose and also because this will be your “big moment” of the month. Susan writes the following:

“An entire entourage will be assembled, including the Sun, new moon Mars, Venus, and Mercury in Virgo, to celebrate your birthday. These little twinkling stars represent half the solar system – lots of energy at your disposal. Here is your chance to take the vibrations and direct them in any way you please. You only get one new moon a year in your sign, so don’t let this one pass without outstretching your arms to reach to capture a dream dear to you.”

Ok!!!!!!

Now, if you have been in search of your perfect ginger soulmate or WHATEVER your type may be, the answer is yes, Virgo, the planets will align. It’s a great month for love (whether you’re single, “thing-ing” or fully betrothed) because Mars and Venus are in your sign. The best weekends for a dance floor make-out that could turn into so much more are that of September 9th-10th and 15th-17th. The start of October will be good, too. Get ready for some spooky shit!

Libra

Personally, I’m not all the way against flower crowns. If you change their context I quite like them. It’s fucking rad to put a bouquet on your head and act normal about it. Better than a flower crown, of course, is a celestial crown, and sweet soup Libra, like the sunglasses you just spent 15 terrifying minutes searching for, you’re wearing it. Thank Jupiter, giver of gifts and luck, for thinking of you while spending time in Your First House, a super exclusive celestial boutique that never has sales, is open at typically inconvenient times because it’s so chic, specializes in crowns and rules your deepest desires. You’ve gotta pass the crown on by October 10th so take advantage of it now.

Here’s what you can look forward to while wearing it:

“VIPS” will pay attention to you at work (vampires in puberty and very important persons alike) which means your hard work will not only be noticed but will likely aid in your career rise. Related or not but likely related, you’re scheduled to make more money this month — but thank yourself. You’ve been planting seeds for quite some time and for damn ONCE, no deers, although they are so cute, came and ate your bulbs when you weren’t looking.

The first half of September is ideal for fun and love. The 15th through the 17th will be super romantic, too. The 19th is excellent to sign up for a volunteer program.

Toward the end of the month, catch your breath and meditate. There’s a big theme of health and healing in your sign around this time, so make appointments to see your doctor, your therapist, your elliptical machine. Dare I say…get ready to get back on track?

Scorpio

The bathroom in our office is not working!!!

In other news, you’re due for a thrilling romance in early September whether you’re smitten or single. This person may stay in your life forever so make sure you don’t hate the way they breathe. You’ll be super popular with “higher-ups” this September, and the reason that is important is because HELLO THEY CAN BE LIKE, “HEY SCORPIO, WOULD YOU LIKE TO RULE THIS CASTLE WITH ME AND GET LOTS OF CAREER FAME AND RECOGNITION AND SHOOT THROUGH GLASS CEILINGS?”

Even if you got a promotion at the end of August (Did you?? Girl!), September will begin to show the changes of your new job. It can take a while to get settled in, or to feel like you made the right decision. If you didn’t hear anything about whatever I’m talking about yet, you might. Or you might not! Horoscopes lie accidentally but I know you and you smell like you’ve got success written all over you in permanent marker. (You don’t though, I’d tell you. Would be bad manners not to. Also you don’t actually smell like that because permanent markers smell weird, it was a METAPHOR OKAY? Who keeps hitting the caps lock?!)

Schedule interviews on the 19th if you’ve been thinking about them (or anything important like this) and sign up to volunteer! Lotta shit going on in that world. The planets can feel you searching for a way to take action. Get ready for social invitations to come through this day, too.

Out of order but whatever, Uranus will boost your reputation on the 18th and bring you a generous reward. Some call this a pooputation and others don’t.

~*Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a terrible joke Amelia made about Uranus, as well as her sanity.*~

Sagittarius

This may be your best month of 2017 says Susan the Thriller Miller! And how do you take your eggs????

Kick this month off with a bit of travel if you can — even if it’s just an hour away to go pick apples or your nose or whatever it is you do in your autumnal dreams. You’ll be too busy later in the month so fit in your trips to the fall foliage now, except for the 15th through the 17th, that is. That would be an excellent time to play life hooky and visit a spa. Ask them to dry brush you whilst you nap, to foam roll you while you sleep, to massage your buttocks while you dream and to put some damn seaweed on your face. You deserve it and I’m hungry!

On September 9th, Mercury will enter Virgo and actually be a group participant for once (HELLO MERCURY, HOW NICE OF YOU TO JOIN US. YOU KNOW THAT YOU STILL HAVE A TOWEL WRAPPED AROUND YOUR HEAD AND THERE IS A CUCUMBER ON YOUR EYE, RIGHT?). During this same time, the other planets in your prestigious career sector are going to high-ho-heave your ass up to the top of the corporate ladder.

Today is one of those days where I cannot remember how to spell!

Oh hey look, here comes Venus on the 19th, just in time to attend the “party of planets in your prestigious honors and awards sector, moving in from deep space,” as Susan writes. (We called this an orgy back in my day.) This will increase your power, your popularity, your Spotify playlists. It’s going to rule. Your career is going to go from Mark Zuckerberg in his dorm room being like, “Why do I always have this ominous Trent Reznor score stuck in my head and a bad feeling about Justin Timberlake,” to “Holy shit, I founded Facebook!!!”

Speaking of things that are cooler than a million dollars: On September 28th, you’re going to get rich!

Capricorn

Do I use exclamation points too much or is there no such thing? Maybe that’s a rhetorical question, because like, would you ever tell Jennifer Grey to stop running at people in full force then leaping over their heads in the hopes they’ll catch her? No and no.

Apparently September always goes well for you. That’s nice! Honestly, everyone acts so scared about the start of September and then two days later we’re all like, “Oh my god I love cable knits and cocoa and how did I ever talk shit about a brisk chill?”

Your career is showing signs of growth and it is getting stronger. The 15th is what my BFF Susan Miller likes to call a “gold star day,” meaning all good things that surround your job and your bank account and your life trajectory will shine. Arrows will point you in the right directions, things will finally come through that you were waiting on and no one will act passive aggressively toward you by the copy machine. (Other great career days are September 9th, 17th and 18th.)

I just ate a honey mustard Kind Bar and it is burning my mouth in the best way, like a spicy margarita, but let me tell you: Your horoscope would be way more fun if I were instead drinking a spicy margarita. Sorry if you’re asleep.

Susan wrote something about Mars, “the action hero of the zodiac,” hanging out in your solar ninth house (jeez, must be nice — did you hit it big in the stock market in the 90s or something?). It’s important because Mars never hangs out in this house. Anyway, then Mercury goes into Virgo on the 9th and Venus comes along on the 19th, all of which is going to make you chase a dream that’s close to your heart and then succeed!

You’ll also get a boost of energy around this time and I don’t mean gas. Use it wisely.

Aquarius

“If last month and all of these eclipses have been about getting you outside of your comfort zone, the next few months are going to be your straight shot to begin tackling these plans. GET BACK ON TRACK! No reason to wait.” <-Something weird just happened — and it has happened to me while writing these before — but I can’t remember if Susan Miller wrote this or I did, and I don’t have time to check, so I am going to put quotes around it, give her credit, pray for the best and then consider that there are better ways to recap your horoscopes, but for now, why troubleshoot the messenger?

Money-focused month, so I take that to mean you’re going to make a ton of it or at least get better at saving it. Heavy on the management part here. (September 5th: Cha ching! September 19th: Cha ching!), outlook improves 21st, thanks magic 8 ball, but don’t sign papers during this time and blame Neptune. Money 28, 29.

You will be very determined to find new source of income and, by George, you won’t stop until you do.

I am not happy that Neptune is again playing a role, this time opposing Mercury, the ruler of Virgo (the place all the planets are based), so I feel you have to avoid signing contracts anywhere near this new moon, September 21st. If you can, try to get the paperwork delivered BEFORE the new moon arrives, and consider signing September 15th, your best moment. I also like September 12th very much.

Venus and Mars will be orbiting very close in your house of other people’s money at the very end of the month, to conjoin on October 4th. I feel these two lovebirds may bring you news of a gift or money coming to you on September 28th or 29th. Let’s hope that happens!

When Pluto goes direct on September 28th, you will see your career start to show much bigger progress. I like the new moon of November 18 in your house of fame and honors. Start to get your ducks in a row and be ready to interview after November 18th when a juicy professional opportunity is likely to come to you.

“Romantically, this month (and in August) more than any other time in recent memory, how things will go depend heavily on how your relationship has been going all along in recent months. Your best weekend will be the one that spans Friday, September 15th to Sunday, September 17th.”

Better prospects next month if you’re single.

Pisces

Susan is out of control with your long-ass horoscope. Susan, I love you so much, but if the summary is three pages long, you are not summarizing! So honestly Pisces, lord knows what I missed because I skimmed that shit like a butterfly net in a green pond. In the same way one might with my vacuuming technique, assume I got the “big chunks.”

It’s a great money month for you. The 9th is excellent for shining in important meetings thanks to Venus and Saturn’s alignment, which makes absolutely no sense since that’s a Saturday, so let’s assume that the Friday prior and the Monday after will be great too, and that anyone you happen to “meet with” i.e. run into, drink nearby or smile at on Saturday will bring brilliant career omens and good juju and all of that. Networking, people! It’s about networking.

Susan made a funny Star Wars reference: “Be persuasive – the force is with you.” Do you think Uranus joke in Scorpio’s horoscope will be equally as iconic/embedded forever into our cultural lexicon?

…Okay back to your bank account! The 15th is a great time to make money. The 17th is, too! You’re forming partnerships this month. Everything is strategic without being calculated. And in terms of relationships that involve friends and love dancers, “Venus will arrive in Virgo and your partnership house starting September 9 until October 14,” which means that all of your pairings-up will be smooth and wonderful.

We’ve got a full moon on the 19th (YES I am almost done) and here’s why you should care: “The actions you take in the days that follow this new moon on September 19 in regard to the forming of a serious one-on-one relationship [work, romantic or otherwise] will have the power to change your life for a long time, possibly forever.” She means for the better. I know her/these things.

Aries

Well apparently, “two eclipses came by in August to light your houses of romance, children, leisure, and friendship. This suggests changes are in the air in your personal life, and you seem to be adjusting remarkably well.” LMK if that’s true.

Spend the beginning of September outside in the sunshine and fresh air. Now is the time to daydream about what’s next, and I don’t know about you, but we never picnic anymore! You get the pepperoni and I’ll get the overpriced cheeses. Someone else can bring the wine. Make this a party where no one talks but instead we all get flat on our backs and stare up at those oft-overlooked clouds. I mean, something’s gotta manifest!

Speaking of shit that sounds romantic, the first few September days that have already passed (SORRY) were all about finding love. Think about every person you ran into in the past few days because life can be way more of a romcom than we realize and you never know when that person who you bumped into on the train and gave the bird to could turn out to be The One, capital T, capital O. If there’s just no way you met even a someone yet, Venus will be in your true love sector until September 19th, so you have time. IF YOU WANT TIME! You may be running around in all your single glory. Or you may be wrapped up in a bed sheet already, but I don’t want to pry, even though I do.

Your horoscope literally predicts love and fun on the 15th and the 17th, and that is more or less all Susan Miller wrote (by which I mean, all I read), but if love and fun aren’t the two of greatest things on this planet, ones that matter way more than money or Mercury’s vacation dates, then I don’t know who I am anymore. And I do. I’ve had a very existential summer and I’m good now, thanks.

The weekends of September should glitter for you, by the way, and as with all glitter, it will refuse to come off for quite some time. Then you’ll start to find it in your bed, in your hairbrush…

Taurus

Fellow bulls with shaggy celestial coats, take a deep breath in through your nostrils and let your belly protrude, all filled up with air. Doesn’t that smell good? It should: it’s the “fresh, soft atmosphere” that will be there all September (not to mention that crisp as fuck and very delicious autumnal air).

Like Aries, we are also having a “fun and love” month! I love this theme because it sounds like something a second grade group project came up with.

If you’re invited to any sort of event, go, even though I know we’ve become quite lazy and homebody-ish of late. These events will be good for us because we need to make sure we are socializing, networking and mostly because we get annoyed at those texts that say things like, “U alive?” For fucks sake, Frank. How would I be able to read your text if I weren’t? Sorry if you’re a ghost and that’s offensive, please don’t haunt me. (I am a little bit convinced my new building is slightly spooky but I think it’s all good vibes, nothing like living my life over here praying for zero HJO Moments, though. An HJO Moment is a Haley Joel Osmond moment of Sixth Sense fame, and if you didn’t watch that movie every day when you were in fifth grade then what did you even do at your sleepovers?)

Hey! What do you say we change the subject? Decorate your home on the 19th. Before that, throw a party on the 15th. I know the inclination is to have the party after you decorated but do you really want people to crunch Cheese-its into your new rug? Err, no, didn’t think so, Snackson Pollock. If you’re not in love yet, you may find it on the 15th.

In fact, all of September seems to be pretty heavy on the romance. Love and weddings, love and weddings. Must be all that pumpkin spice. Pumpkin spice is the new aphrodisiac, sorry oysters. I’ll still eat you, though.

Gemini

Of all the people getting back on track, Gemini, you’re eyes are straight ahead at your career. You don’t miss summer at all! And if you do, denial is fun for everyone. Beyond your clear upward trajectory and the fact that you’re going to hit all sorts of work-related milestones this month, you’re going to think a lot about style. Yes! It’s a stylish month for you, which makes sense I guess because think of all the fashion-famous twins like Tia and Tamera Mowry and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. It’s also fashion week, so how apropos. Speaking of the Mowrys, did you know that visors are trending? Speaking of the Olsens, did you know that giant bags were trending? Oh yes I did link to the same story twice. Try and stop me — I’m a mad woman!

There’s going to be an emphasis on your public life this September, per Susan. Maybe you’re going to post more to Instagram. Maybe you’re going to wind up on television. I don’t know because the world really is your pumpkin spice latte, which is the new oyster according to what I wrote in Taurus. One would think that I wrote this round drunk but I did not. It was a very sober horoscope writing session and Dear Haley may just hate me more for it because I think these are longer than usual. I would like a nap though!

I’m babbling like a boring best man’s speech, so let’s hand the mic over to Susan for a moment. She writes: “The new moon of September 19th will set off a cascade of opportunity. From that date on, you will have Venus (to beautify), Mars (to give you motivation), Mercury (to collect estimates and ideas), plus the Sun (where you shine), and new moon (opportunity), all in Virgo in your house of home.”

Cool.

You’re going to travel from the 15th to the 17th and you will not lose your passport. Always a great thing. Oh! And use the end of the month as an excuse to entertain your friends. You never know who you could meet, or meat. If there’s one reason to throw a party, it’s to require that all your guests bring a plate of pigs in a blanket: the only food that matters.

Cancer

Hey pinchy! The start of the month brought you some great love and career news. I would love to flatten out my belly-smush on the floor of the comments section with you in the comments section below if you’d like to gossip all about it, if you’re up for telling me things. Do you have any snacks? I just ate something weird.

Tuesday September 12th “will be a happy day when hard work on a project leads to more income, either as overtime, a future raise, or if you are self-employed (or do freelance on the side) a client who appreciates your work and is willing to pay top dollar to have you in their corner.” To be quite honest, that would have been easy for me to paraphrase but you know me, I love Susan Miller more than my own finger tips. Let her speak, for heaven’s sake! Put your ear to Astrology Zone and let it whisper the sweet star-covered words of Susan the Planet Prophet. It’s saying “you’re going to be so richhhhhh! You’re going to be so successful!!!!! You’re going to be among the Man Repeller readers of today’s September horoscope bash who are clearly going to run the worldddd!” Great ego booster.

On 15th you could find a cool couch. Sounds like a non-sequitur but it’s more selfish than anything: I am on a couch hunt so if you do find a cool one, lmk. That means “let me know” in laziness. Laziness is my love language.

Here’s something actually interesting for once. Just kidding on the for once if you’re not fond of jokes. Anyway so here’s something interesting: the new moon of September 19th “highlights siblings.” I am not sure I’ve heard that from Susan before, or if I have I wasn’t paying attention. If you have a sibling, be nice to them or something? It’s also a great time to get away, but don’t be a total hermit. LOL. Venus in Virgo will make for a more supportive love atmosphere all around, and if you’ve got ants in your pants, great: the end of the month is a superb time to travel.

Leo

Kitty kitty you so pretty. Are your eyes finally back to normal after the eclipse in August? Is your life? The eclipse likely brought to light (lol) strange truths and bits of news and things that took you by the shoulders and pointed you toward very clear paths and decisions, some of which could have shocked your loins and made you go, “Oh my gobstopper!” If so, remember that all things happen for a reason. Don’t roll your eyes at me for saying that; you’re the one reading your horoscope.

If you haven’t heard anything of the sort (September 7th was another day this could have happened) STILL NO? The 21st for sure. There can be a one month delay especially since there were two eclipses in August, although only one can cause a big hullabaloo. Being the second child has its perks, after all!

This month, like it is for so many other signs this September, is all about money for you: earning it, sewing the seeds so as to grow it, finding it under couches, inheriting it from Daddy Warbucks before “daddy” was considered a sexual term of endearment by mass society, you know, that sort of thing. September 12th is a great day to present creative ideas, and the 15th will be a great day to do everything you didn’t do because of the retrograde (like sign papers, buy an electric toaster oven, your laundry).

On the 17th you’re primed like Amazon to find love. If you already have love, kiss it on the mouth, even if love is a cat or a dream. If your love is your job feel free to kiss your desk but you should wipe it down because I feel like every season is suspiciously “flu season” at the office. But wait, so the order should be: Clorox (feel free to sponsor these horoscopes, Clorox!!!), then water (because you don’t want to put your mouth where Clorox has been either, no offense or Clorox), then smooch. Anyway in this case I really do believe that Susan Thriller meant love-love, so if you’re single and don’t want to be, great ready to NOT BE! If you’re in a casual relationship, omg get ready for the L WORD, and if you’re so deep in it that you go to the bathroom with the door open around one another, prepare for date night! Door policy at your behest!

Venus is in Leo until the 19th, you get to buy a new wardrobe if you want, too.

Love you meow bye!

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  • Hayley

    Your horoscope summaries are just what I needed today, thank you.

    • Amelia Diamond

      no thank YOU

  • Nik Aliye

    I really needed this thank you!!!

    • Amelia Diamond

      oh it is my pleasure

  • darleen eiermann

    Judging by the Instagram stories I didn’t think we would ever see these! So proud

    • Amelia Diamond

      you and me both, darleen. you and me both.

  • Patrizia Chiarenza

    Amelia – I’m a Leo and I’m crossing my fingers that this is true!

    • Amelia Diamond

      it is!!

  • Yasssss looks like my career is on the up and up. SHOW ME THE MONEY. I can’t believe I just made a Jerry Maguire referene ugh.

    • Amelia Diamond

      honestly i can’t believe i DIDN’T

  • ihaveacooch

    sigh, i feel like all of my horoscopes lately have been about finding a new career/job. i’ve been looking to leave my current one for a while now and still nothing has come to fruition 🙁

    • Jen

      hang in there bb- also, great username

      • ihaveacooch

        thx bb

    • Amelia Diamond

      you are probably “planting the seeds”

      • ihaveacooch

        manifest harder DAMNIT

  • JESSICA

    I’m an aries AND YEAH ITS TRUE. AUGUST WAS ROUGH. doing remarkable well for someone who went through a break up and a career shake 😂😂😂

    • Amelia Diamond

      good lord GLAD U ARE ON THE RISE

  • “HELLO PONYBOY CURTIS; WAY TO DEFEAT THE ODDS AND STAY GOLD!”

    Dear god I love you, Amelia.

    • Amelia Diamond

      i love you back

  • Yay! The only horoscopes worth reading!

    • Amelia Diamond

      your comments are all making my day

  • Aisya Putri

    Love how extra the exclamation points are for virgos

    • Amelia Diamond

      !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just love a good excalm

  • Madeline Scholl

    wow this Sagittarius feels 100%

    • Amelia Diamond

      <3

  • Dang, if these horoscopes are true to life – I have my fingers crossed for the 12th. Sweet read.

    Thank you 🙂

    • Amelia Diamond

      come back and tell me if it’s true!!

  • Alicia McElhaney

    BEEF BABY!!!!!! also cancer living her life 2 the fullest this month

    • Amelia Diamond

      hbdbbg!

  • gracesface

    I love it when Virgo comes to visit me. I totally bought the BEST COUCH EVER on Craigslist and I love it to pieces. – Gemini

    • Amelia Diamond

      i need to look on graigslist

      • gracesface

        I waited and waited and found my dream couch (light teal, fits in my small apartment, nicely upholstered, barely used) but I rarely have such good luck w/ it.

  • Katia Luyo Angeles

    The Thriller started with “Sagittarius, September is gonna be as wonderful and even more fascinating as August was…” Guys… guys, August was my worst month so far this year, and one of the worst in a long time 😐. So I’m like, yeah, no thank you. I need this September to be Earth Wind & Fire September 🕺🏻 But thank the stars we have Amelia to lighten up the situation 🌈

    • Amelia Diamond

      ok FUCK august, september is gonna be a blast

  • Maggie Lanham

    I’m stealing “Snackson Pollock”

  • Cristina

    So happy the planets will finally align and I’ll meet my ginger soulmate! You made my day!

    • Amelia Diamond

      🙂

  • Elisa

    Amelia, you are officially my favorite fellow taurean.i love these!

    • Amelia Diamond

      love youback!

  • Angy-Marie GC
    • Amelia Diamond

      we all are

  • Amelia

    SNAXON POLLOCK

  • Tracy McAfee

    I am a Virgo and I already know who my ginger is, I just need to make them know it. Do all virgos like a good ginger????? Thought is was just me! Mine happens to be a Scorpio……. Would that be a good match?