It’s the Circle of Life: August Horoscopes Are Here!
08.04.17
lllustration by Cynthia Merhej.

I’m really stuck on a Lion King theme this month since it’s Leo season, hence the title of this post, hence the references to jungle cats that will continue down below. Just a heads-up. Some great news for August: Our girl Suz is back in action. The Astro Twins were excellent astrological advisors, but there’s nothing like your day one girl. Am I right, Susan Miller? (Cue drunk-ass Dorothy in her red sequin Miu Miu shoes: “There’s no place like Astrology Zone, there’s no place like Astrology Zone.”)

We’ve got two eclipses in August, which will be the focus of every sign this week. These bring change, so finally you’ll have coins for laundry day again. The first one is August 7th. “We’ll have a full moon a lunar eclipse in Aquarius 15 degree,” says Susan, and “a new moon solar eclipse will arrive in Leo at 29 degrees.” That’s on the 21st. It’s a total eclipse of the heart, and you know what that means right? Bonnie Tyler, baby. Finally, I saw that some of you tweeted concern over Mercury’s August 12 – September 5 retrograde. A) Mercury in retrograde can be positive, I swear. B) Per the MR credo of this month, SO WHAT! Let’s get going.

Leo

QUICK. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LION SONG? IS IT:

A) “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” from The Lion King

or

B) “In the Jungle” by The Beach Boys?

HELLO?! IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY! YOU CAN HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT, TOO.

Happy birthday big-haired kitty cat. In the words of Susan Thriller, “Eclipse season is back.” It’s a chance for you to look at how your life is going and make adjustments as needed. The eclipse of August 7th (a lunar full moon eclipse, so chic) will encourage you to start thinking about commitment with your mans or womans. This could be professional commitment too. (Snooze.) (So sue me. It’s the summer. Sexual tension goes way better with a Mai Tai.) (Ew who drinks those?) (Speaking of sexual tension…) On August 21st, a “rare and outstandingly positive” new moon solar eclipse is in store. It will form a golden triangle in the sky between Uranus, Saturn, the sun and the moon. Sounds like a square to me but okay. Whatever shape it is, it’s going to send down endless good juju on your career, your personal development and your overall life. Isn’t that nice?

Virgo

So what if you’re a virgo who can’t drive? You’re finally off the two-year-long eclipse hot seat which means you get to cool your buns and sit pretty for a while. Also, you may not even realize this, but you did a lot of hard work during that time. It’s going to start paying off. You know what they say: Abs are made in the kitchen so get that bread and bacon. Aug 7th, eclipse number one, is going to be the start of a beautiful new business relationship, and by “beautiful” I mean you’ll get rich as fuck. See: above reference to bread and bacon. That was a metaphor for money. Take career risks during this time. Work out (or don’t, but Susan said to). Around the second eclipse of August 21st you’ll be feeling extra creative. You may have heard rumors of a retrograde happening at the same time of all of this, and the answer is yes, Virginia, there is a retrograde. But it’s not a bad thing. From Aug 12th through September 5th, use it as a time to go back and refine your work.

Libra

Libra you get a PLAY MONTH!!!!!!!!! That is like the celestial equivalent of a romper. Like, go to work and stuff for sure, but otherwise use this month as a time to do whatever the hell you want. Seriously! Susan said so! Can you even belibra your eyes? (There it is.) On August 7th, your house of true love will be lit all the way up. If you’re single, you’ll meet someone at a social gathering so go to parties and barbecues. Wise words from our Main Girl: Be optimistic and generous. Give up the picky list of what you were expecting and embrace a new kind of person, because they just might be YOUR person. Jupiter’s on the assist with a sparkly love potion, so don’t try to force anything. When you know you know, especially because Suzan said so. (This is one of your best years to fall in love.) Don’t think I forgot about that other eclipse, either. On the 21st, the solar eclipse is lighting up your house of friendship. Sounds like a party, hold the pants.

Scorpio

“You are now on the threshold of the most important month of 2017 and possibly the most important month in a decade for your career and living situation.” Like okay Susan Miller, the drama committee didn’t hear you all the way in the back, maybe use a microphone next time.

How exciting is that!!!

Try, if you can, to pause any major traveling until September, and if you can’t so what. Sometimes I feel like the stars are a little bossy, if you ask me. Whatever you do or wherever you go, on August 7th, know there will be a focus on home. Are you moving? Decorating? Setting up a home office? Either way, money is connected to it. Must be some sort of promotion at Ikea! On August 21st , there’s an eclipse that’s way more exciting. The new moon solar eclipse will light your tenth house of honors, awards and achievements. Trophy town, USA. Oh! And while traveling to a far off land isn’t Susan’s idea of a good time right now, she does encourage weekend trips, especially August 19th-20th. She says to “plan a sunny weekend at the seashore.” Susan, say no more.

Sagittarius

Hello my celestial half-horse! So much travel is in store for you this month, so before you do anything else, stock up on contact solution, toothpaste and underwear. On August 7th, get away for pure sake of love and pleasure. Don’t even put helpful information in your out-of-office. If I were you I’d literally make this my OOO notice with zero context:

: > )

And just confuse the hell out of everyone. What a great nose.

This trip will energize and restore you. Put sunscreen on your nipples though, I know you. And when you return, don’t bother unpacking because you may be inspired to get the hell outta dodge again. August 19th-20th are two more great days to travel.

This month’s not all TSA and tits. “August 27th is a rare day, when any serious goals can be completed and agreed to – and that will stand the test of time.” Susan said that, so stand back. AND FOR THE LOVE OF BLOG, ignore the fact that Mercury is retrograding from August 12th to September 5th, LEANDRA. Just try to avoid signing binding contracts and you’ll be great.

Capricorn

Hey Capricorn, when’s your brand of animal going to start trending? Where are all the Capricorn toasts? Where are all the Capricorn smoothies? These are potential lucrative opportunities! Which I bring up because you’re going to be thinking a lot about money this month. August 7th will be a friendly day that could help you finish a salary negotiation and simultaneously take you out of rut. Mercury will retrograde from August 12th until September 5th, so don’t take a new job yet if you can help it…but also, so what. An even friendlier eclipse is set for August 21st. It’s not only going to make you rich, it’s going to form a golden triangle with Saturn, the sun and Uranus. You know what that means! Celestial orgy. Bow chicka ow ow have fun be safe wear sunscreen and get ready to swim in an ocean of home-grown happiness and success.

Aquarius

Aquaboobs, don’t you worry about the past few months. FINALLY, in August, you’re going to begin seeing progress after a sloggy year. Yup, even with the retrograde. Everyone thinks Mercury in retrograde (August 12th to September 5th) is a bad thing. It’s certainly an annoying thing, but it’s also a great time to look back at it and tune up any loose ends from your past, which is so satisfying, not to mention high potential for massive success. August 7th will bring “a matter of deep personal importance to culmination.” So there’s that. And! You’re set to travel a lot this month thanks to Jupiter’s private jet. There’s a second eclipse waiting to delight you on the 21st. It’s going to bring news you want to hear, especially from your romantic partner. (“Honey! I bought us a bounce-y castle!”)

Pisces

All hail the prophet Susan: “August is a bridge month, moving you from your past to your future.” Yeah, we call that a tesseract in Ava Duvernay’s world. Should we watch that trailer for the thousandth time, speaking of?

Great, I feel better after that. August’s two eclipses are “powerful and encouraging.” I put those in quotes because the way I write these horoscopes are weird and I can’t remember if those were my notes or Susan’s words — better safe than sorry that I have to spend the rest of my summer in jail! The eclipse of August 7th is in your twelfth house of healing, which is associated with subconscious and dreams. That’s cool because Susan never brings up that kind of thing. It may encourage you to see a therapist. I bought cowboy boots because of mine, so if you don’t have one, maybe now’s the time. The eclipse on August 21st will light up your sixth house which rules preventative measures you take to stay healthy…and projects. So, okay. Start counting your steps and carry a glue stick with you. That sounds like it covers all the bases? It certainly should cover the big hand-holding orgy between Mars, the Sun, the new moon solar eclipse, Uranus AND Saturn in your tenth house of fame and honors. Elmer’s and fitness: a life hack.

Aries

ARIES! Okay. Don’t get weird while you’re out at the bars or anything — actually what am I talking about? Definitely do get weird, both at bars and everywhere — because on August 7th, you’re scheduled to meet a friend who will make a major change on your life. This person could open doors to new worlds, which doesn’t just mean fun and adventure and all that, but it could lead to love. I mean, can’t you just picture it now!

~*Cue blurry effect and dreamy music like they used to do when someone was daydreaming on Kenan and Kel*~

“So, how did you two meet?”

Such a funny story, actually. I went to this bar on August 7th, 2017, got super weird and met my friend Ann! Two weeks later, Ann introduced me to the love of my life and then we not only became rich in friends, family and finances (not to mention accompanying philanthropic endeavors), we started our dream careers together and here we are!”

Anyway back to reality at least for the time being because I’m not saying that’s not going to happen: The new moon on August 21st is a solar eclipse, which means a new chapter. Mars will be in your house of true love and Uranus will be over there getting freaky. So for real, if you’re serious about love, go out. Meet people. If you’re attached, shoot for the moon and you’ll land among the stars but be careful. I’m not so sure how often Uranus washes its sheets.

Taurus

Holy star cows! What a run we’ve had, eh? Major changes to our career and living changes have been underway for some time now anddd they are still rolling out thanks to these upcoming eclipses, the first one being August 7th and the next being the 21st. On the 7th: “This full moon will be showered with lovely beams from Jupiter, giver of gifts and luck, from your house of work projects, indicating a plum job may come up that allows you to prove your worth.” What is a plum job? Who knows, who cares. All I heard was the sound of money birds chirping thanks to Susan repeatedly underlining how successful we’re scheduled to be this month and for many to come.

Mercury will indeed be in retrograde from August 12th to September 5th, so take time to mull things over. All things, really, but mostly big life decisions. If someone’s being annoying about a text back, turn your read receipts on and add a little auto response: “I’ll get back to you after the retrograde.” August 21st will recenter your focus on home. Convenient, seeing as I’m in the market for a couch. Any ideas as to where I could find a free one not covered in bed bugs? I’ll take suggestions in the comments and angel deliveries to my doorstep.

Gemini

Tia and Tamera Mowry of the sky! Woooeeeee is this a fun one. For our first eclipse on August 7th, you’ve got air-sign Aquarius and fire-sign Leo doing renditions of their hit song “Boogie Wonderland” with me as the earth portion of that band (I’m a Taurus) and you as the front man. Said song will be like a siren hit wonder for luring in foreign people and luring you to foreign places. The trips could be life-changing, not to mention wildly romantic. (Also, the shopping. Always travel with a mostly empty suitcase so that you can bring back presents. I’m whatever size is most convenient.) On August 21st, the new moon will prompt even more travel. The 19th to the 20th in particular is primed like a seasoned set of ribs to find love, and if you have it, you’re gonna want to roll around all up in it until you think you’re gonna BURST from happiness.

Still single by the 26th? From then on until Sept 19th (can we not even get into the retrograde? It’s so boring) you’ll have all the luck when it comes to hooking up. Cuffing season come early, ladies and Gemini!

Cancer

ALRIGHT my crispy crab cakes! I know I just told Gemini that I didn’t want to talk about Mercury in retrograde, but seeing as you’re my last sign (oh and hope you just had the best ever birthday month) we might as well swing it back to the kitchen one more time because for you, Mercury in retrograde is a good thing. Susan swears it. Retrogrades are about looking back, and this time around, from August 12th through September 5th, our girl predicts “something you did in the past may bring reward.” Hello that is called an INVESTMENT, and it proves you were wise to drop all that cash on your sister’s cousin’s lemonade stand. Proud of you. Speaking of money, both eclipses — the first on August 7th, the second on the 21st (raise your hand if you bought tickets to Wyoming!) will take place in your financial house. See? Even more money coming your way, plus, Venus will be in Cancer which means all is right, well and good in this world. You’re going to be popular, you’re going to be successful and, because you are not a real crab, you will never have to touch mayonnaise if you don’t to. I love you. The end.

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